I also want to touch base about the video games...When I met my husband I was a gamer too. He is also a musician. I became the manager of a band that was started while we were together. For various reasons I pulled away from the band the members of the band said things that hurt my feelings so I stopped spending my time helping them. They ended up doing all the things I said and was trying to do with them and the band was getting paid shows. I didn't go to any of those shows because I was angry. This hurt my husband, if felt that I no longer supported him and this was a turning point in our relationship. I could have still supported him with out supporting them but I didn't. I own this. I threw my hands up in the air and stopped supporting something that was important to him.
I do want him to become transparent with me. I do want open communication with him. We will be going to counseling. I want him to put a bigger effort yes. But I can't become a dictator, If I take away every outlet that he has I think it will be detrimental to the relationship. He does work 2 jobs for my family and he plays online at his second job, it's allowed and encouraged because they have special game nights there. He works and participates in them.
I don't really game any more. I have other things going on and I let that go. Not that I would like to game now and again but I spend a good deal of time going to play groups with my kids and have met a groups of Moms that we plan kids events and ladies nights with. Just because I let that go doesn't mean I should expect him to make that same exact change with me.
There are other things I want and need him to work on but if we are so rigid in our marriage we become and/or are part of the problem with communication. I myself have taken classes with my employer on effective communication and taught effective communication workshops to other employees. Part of communication is listening. Part of being in a relationship is compromise.
I was rigid with him before and it really got me no where. I am improving myself by listening and making compromise.
He also has ADHD and setting up specific time to communicate with him and have undivided attention I know is something he needs. Yes our WS did the damage but making them beg like dogs is not healthy and not conducive to building a better relationship.
Our conversations last night we calm, He approached me and said he understands and is sorry.
Even though our spouses betrayed us we need to look into ourselves and see what they see too, what in our marriages facilitated this.
I hope this makes sense.