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Reconciliation
User Topic: what would you do?
wantreallove
Member
Member # 37534
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

So things have been going very well. I know where he is pretty much at all times and it doesn't appear that he has been deleting messages on the computer or his phone.

All that to say that I am really struggling with something. He has a friend that is a girl. It started out as a classmate and she was struggling with her faith and her marriage and he thought that maybe her and I would hit it off as friends. We've gotten together as families and as couples.

But I get so scared because her and him are getting closer and closer as friends, and her and I are nothing more then acquaintances. When I finally told him how I felt he asked me if I wanted him to quit being friends with her. I know it's my codependency but my answer is I don't know.

I used to believe that a wife and a husband could have friends of the opposite gender and it was perfectly ok because you trusted each other. I have read all of his texts with her and I guess I am just jealous. I have never been huge into music, quoting lyrics or bands, but that is a big thing he enjoys. And she is also into this. So now I see them exchanging lyrics and bands and he called her his beastie. The morning after I told him I was uncomfortable he texted her "good morning beautiful

Am I just blind? I know what advice people will offer but I guess I want to hear it anyway. What does recovering from infidelity look like long term? Is he never allowed to have friendships of the opposite gender ever again? Am I being controlling if I ask him to stop being friends with her? Am I holding the past over his head? I am so confused about all this. Part of me is even mad that he would put himself in a situation that even smells of infidelity.


Me,BS 33
SA fWH (masame5) 35
Married 13 yrs, 7 kids
D-day 10/9/12 (caught him through fb chat) D-day #2 11/19/12 thru 11/21/12 (found out about all the rest of the A's.)
8 AP

Posts: 196 | Registered: Nov 2012
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

He has had EIGHT AP's??

You are perfectly within your rights to tell him NO female friends. None.

There is no way I would be comfortable with this.

She was struggling with her marriage..and talking to him about it? Inappropriate. That is how most EA's start.


He called her beautiful?

Im sorry..but I think this is another AP.

Tell him to go NC..now. It is not an overreaction. It has nothing to do with hanging his past over his head. It is about you dealing with reality..and the fact that he has very poor boundaries..and is calling another woman beautiful and talking to her about her personal life. It is about you protecting yourself.

((((wantreallove)))


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7413 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
steadfast1973
Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

My wh called someone beautiful on the phone, that was my first red flag. I ignored it, not wanting to come off as "the jealous type". I AM the jealous type. At least, I am now. He has no female friends anymore, other than acquaintances, or friends of mine, and the M. Because all of his female "best friends" turned out to be EAPs. ALL of them. All of them.

The fact that he sent that to her AFTER you told him it made you uncomfortable is disrespectful.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2256 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
Bikingguy
Member
Member # 38103
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

Sorry to say this, but if he had 8 AP, then I think it needs to change to 9, as he is having a EA with her.

Opposite friends is something WS do not get to have anymore. MY MC agreed with this also. WW mention in MC once that a co worker asked her to lunch and MC said you don't get to do that anymore. WW response was "he is M". I almost fell of the couch laughing. My response (in my head) was "SO WERE YOU WHEN F#%#ED OM FOR 15 YEARS!!!!!!!!). Sometimes WS thinking is way off.

If he is not willing to end it with her (he sounds like a KISA), then he is not willing to do the hard work to help you heal and attempt to rebuilt trust. It takes 2 to R, is he really working at it?


Me: BH, 44
Her: WW, 43
D day. January 12, 2013

Posts: 672 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Socal
atsenaotie
Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

wantreallove,

What has he done to demonstrate a sustained change in his boundaries and behaviors? What does is SA IC say about him having female friends that he counsels on her faith and marriage and shares a hobby/interest with?

The morning after I told him I was uncomfortable he texted her "good morning beautiful

What does this say about where his boundaries are?

What you detail in your post is a huge red flag for me that he still does not get it, that he still thinks and acts as a wayward.

My FWW no longer has male friends. This started as a boundary I set after dday, but now it is her decision. She will not meet with a male alone for work or service club business. My FWW has put a lot of effort into fixing her issues. She knows that looking to OM for affirmation, flirting for attention is wrong and a slippery slope. This is why she just refuses to put herself in a position of potentially slipping. She does not want to risk anyone (men) interpreting her meeting with them as an opportunity. She knows all too well how “innocent” the initial meetings and flirting is, and how quickly for her it can get out of control. She is different than me, I can and have had female friends. I can flirt and I can still see the boundary.

I would say it is not safe for your WH to be sharing intimacies about faith and someone else’s marriage problems with an OW. It is not safe for him to have an activity/hobby partner he spends time and energy with outside of his relationship with you. With his history he needs to find activities and interests that will reinforce his relationship with you.

He is not allowed to have friendships with women until he has sustained (years) his healing and work on his SA and other issues. I suspect that once he reaches that point he will not need or want friendships with women outside of his M.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 9:45 AM, December 5th (Thursday)]


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4129 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
wantreallove
Member
Member # 37534
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

I'm glad so many are replying so fast. I need this support. I haven't been able to attend meetings as of late because I've been so busy with the kids activities. As far as his C...when we lost insurance we both stopped with C. Now we have insurance again but we haven't started again. I guess it's time.

sigh.

I just don't know when he would go. They just announced 7 day weeks at his work and his paychecks have been nice but he works late most nights. (I check to make sure the hours add up to when he says he's working late) and the C he was seeing got mad and charged him a fee for a session he couldn't make because he had to work late and didn't cancel before 24 hours. Ugh. I HATE THIS!!! I just want to be a normal family that doesn't need all this C crap. Anyway I'm rambling. Sorry.


Me,BS 33
SA fWH (masame5) 35
Married 13 yrs, 7 kids
D-day 10/9/12 (caught him through fb chat) D-day #2 11/19/12 thru 11/21/12 (found out about all the rest of the A's.)
8 AP

Posts: 196 | Registered: Nov 2012
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

good morning beautiful

I dont think he would text this to a male "bestie". I think a bug part of boundaries is removing gender from personal relationships. You are the woman in his life. Others are just friends and they should be interacted with as friends whether they are male or female.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2584 | Registered: Aug 2012
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

No, no, no!!! He can NOT be "friends" with women!!! Unacceptable!!

Have you read Not "Just Friends" by Shirley Glass? If not? READ IT! It talks about this very much.

Now, having said that...Him saying "Good morning Beautiful" is so far over the line. He's in another EA. He's taking time away from you and giving it to her by having personal conversations. He's playing KISA because she's "struggling" with her marriage and faith. He should NOT be the one she goes to and he KNOWS this and he's banking on the fact that she's relying on him.

Sweetie, gently, things are NOT going very well.

[This message edited by SamanthaBaker at 10:46 AM, December 5th (Thursday)]


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
myeverafter
Member
Member # 41012
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

No way and no how does this sound good.

For me it was a double betrayal. OW was married and a coworker of fWH. OW was probably my best friend in town. Now, it felt like he kept pushing OW and MOW's BS towards me and our family.

As of right now, no female friends at all. It is going to take me a LONG time to even have a relationship with another couple.


Me - BW 35
Him - fWH 37
D-Day: 7/13
2 yr EA; 8 mo PA.

Posts: 86 | Registered: Oct 2013
wantreallove
Member
Member # 37534
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

I guess I knew it wasn't going as well as it seemed. I guess because I knew he wasn't out with her that it would be ok. Maybe because she knew he had had the affairs it would be ok. Maybe if I just stuck my head in the sand and pretended it would be ok it would. We haven't done things in any sort of conventional way but he seemed to be giving me his all. And most of the time I feel very loved, supported and as if we are healing well. But now this is popping up and it just bothers me and upsets me. I woke up the other night and couldn't stop thinking about it and starting to get scared. I don't want to go back to the way it was before. That was the first time in a really long time that I shook and cried and cried. My crying woke him and I just said I had a dream he was doing it again. He snuggled me and did everything a good WS should. And we talked about her and he said he doesn't know why he is drawn to friendships with women, maybe he was always closer with his mom. (his dad has always been distant) He also asked at what point am I going to give up on him because this is too hard. He seems so genuine when he talks about this stuff. I want to believe him and mostly I do.


Me,BS 33
SA fWH (masame5) 35
Married 13 yrs, 7 kids
D-day 10/9/12 (caught him through fb chat) D-day #2 11/19/12 thru 11/21/12 (found out about all the rest of the A's.)
8 AP

Posts: 196 | Registered: Nov 2012
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

Two things pop out at me with your last post.

1. Do you think perhaps the reason she enjoys talking to your husband is because she DOES KNOW he's had affairs and knows he's an easy target? Just because someone knows a spouse is a cheater, doesn't mean that they will respect boundaries by any means. It may give them even more of a green light.

2. He doesn't know why he makes friends with women easier? Well, he needs to find the hell out why, pronto. Him being closer to his mom is an excuse. Any justification he gives is an excuse.

There is NO reason he should be friends with women, period. At all. None. Zero.

The reason your upset is because your gut is SCREAMING. It is screaming for a reason.

He is a very manipulative man, you want to believe him because he knows what to say. You are being gas lighted.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
wert
Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

what would you do?

I consider myself in R. I am pro M. I think people can work this stuff more often than not.

That all said, what would I do?

I would 180. I would speak to a L. I would get everything down on paper and figure out if I could make a run of it without my S. I would then have the papers for D drawn up, get alternative living arrangement made and leave my S emotionally until said S pulled their head from there behind.

My FWW no longer has male friends.

Bingo. Mine either, at least not any that I am not close friends with as well and they don't ever spend time together without me. Period. People who lie, people who cheat are not to be trusted until they have facilitated real change in there personality, methods of coping and actual behavior. This in not anger speaking...it just is.

take care...but beware...



Posts: 1428 | Registered: Jan 2012
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

I know counseling is expensive. And we all have only 24 hours in a day.

How much is heartbreak worth? A D? How busy will you be as two single parents?

Make it a priority. Find any and all resources. Support groups, counseling through the church if you're so inclined. I see your WH has a username...does he post honestly on the WS forum. Keep searching until you find something that works.

Because right now, your WH is in another A. A remorseful FWS doesn't do this. They don't fight to keep a "friend" when it hurts their BS. They don't give terms of endearment to "friends".


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11186 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
wantreallove
Member
Member # 37534
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

It is very obvious from what everyone has posted here that I need to speak to WH tonight and say that I need him to put the boundary in place of no friendship or otherwise with this girl. He has said if I wanted him to he would do this. We shall see if he really will or if he will try to manipulate me again into being unsure. I am glad I posted on here today.


Me,BS 33
SA fWH (masame5) 35
Married 13 yrs, 7 kids
D-day 10/9/12 (caught him through fb chat) D-day #2 11/19/12 thru 11/21/12 (found out about all the rest of the A's.)
8 AP

Posts: 196 | Registered: Nov 2012
Pentup
Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

Just in case he tries to justify. No. Just no. My h works in a female dominated industry. No outside contact including lunches with any females. It was a choice he made. He could be the fun guy friend or he could be my h. They became mutually exclusive when he crossed the line.

We have couple friends and I have female friends. But no, just no. Good Luck.


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6583 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

He is having an EA with his bestie

You know where he is physically, but it appears his mind and heart are not where his body is.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3800 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

What makes me sad for you is he should be setting these boundaries. He should be guarding your heart and his so well he stops as soon as he sees something that looks like it could be the edge of a slippery slope.

He's making this into a parent/child dynamic where you make the choices and he may obey but it could also become a vehicle for resentment (and rebellion given the dynamic).


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11186 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
Pentup
Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

That is why you have to set your own boundaries of what is and is not acceptable to you. He then has a choice, I did not say my h could not choose to have female friends. I said, I choose to have a h that does not have female friends. If that was important to him, then by all means, he should. I would then choose to not be married to someone that put friendships with the opposite sex above my feelings about the subject. You have to be willing to know what your line in the sand is and defend it. It is not easy, but once you know in your heart, this is unacceptable, I can not feel safe and loving with someone who does x, y or z, it is a lot easier to hold your ground.

The book Boundaries in Marriage is also very helpful.


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6583 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
Camille87
New Member
Member # 41252
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

You told him you were uncomfortable with this woman and within hours he texts her and calls her "beautiful?" Wow! I'd say he spoke volumes about his regard for your feelings. He is definitely not showing you the respect you deserve as a wife.

He obviously has problems with boundaries and doesn't know how a married man should behave when it comes to other females besides his wife.

If he hasn't addressed his issues in counseling he will continue to have affairs. He's going to continue to break your heart.


Me: BS--42
FWH--45 (recently diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder)
(Two kids: a teen & a tween)
Married 20 years
R in progress
D-day: Nov 17, 2012

Posts: 27 | Registered: Nov 2013
TimeToManUp
Member
Member # 37538
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

"good morning beautiful

I didn't want to even read any responses before I responded...

As a WS who had a pretty strong emotional component to my A and most surely texted this exact phrase... Abso-fucking-lutely NOT! There is no way that is OK. It's not a opposite sex friends issue, that is a blatant boundary issue. No two ways about it. Would you text another man with "Good morning handsome?" Don't think so. At the very least he is on a very slippery slope, but some would probably say he's already take a few steps into EA-land. Time for a serious reality check.

ETA: Didn't read your tag line... 8 AP's? Yep... Likely #9. So sorry...

[This message edited by TimeToManUp at 5:09 PM, December 5th (Thursday)]


I know we're worth it.
WH (Me-33)
BW (tattoodchinadoll-31)
D-Day: 12/22/11
Together 15 years, married for 10.
Three daughters, 8, 4 and 2.

Posts: 227 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: New Jersey
Scubachick
Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

You have an amazing amount of restraint. The moment I saw that text I would have flipped out. It's disrespectful on so many different levels, especially with his history. My husband can tell me he thinks another woman is beautiful and that's perfectly fine but it's crossing a line if he were to tell her she's beautiful. Did you call him out on that?

My husband has never had a female friend. I've always told him that could if he wanted one. He's never wanted one and usually avoids women at all cost. For example he likes to play blackjack..if a woman sits down next to him at the table and tries to start a conversation he will get up and move to a different table. I always found it a little strange. At one point I accused him of not trusting himself enough to be around woman and not do anything wrong so he had to avoid them all together (I was obviously an idiot to not appreciate/respect his boundaries). So when I found out he was having an EA with an employee, I was devastated. I can't help but think she must have been pretty special to get someone with such rigid boundaries with women and especially female employee's to drop his boundaries completely. He kept her a secret from me. I knew she worked for him and what she did but I never knew they were texting 1000 times a month or spending time together. He never mentioned her name in casual conversation or when he would vent about work problems. I don't think I will ever be ok with him having female friends now.

The girl that your husband is talking to is a pos. she knows exactly what she's doing. I would tell her not to contact your husband anymore. I hope you tell your husband how you really feel about it and that he does the right thing and ends all communication.


Posts: 661 | Registered: Jul 2013
wantreallove
Member
Member # 37534
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

Well I finally got brave enough to talk to him. He said he didn't understand when we talked last week that I was asking him to slow down on the texts and phone calls. He just heard I was nervous but he could still be friends with her. (I did say that. I struggle with hurting people.)

He said he was disappointed that I didn't tell him earlier this week or even just tell him to end the friendship last week. (stupid codependency!) And that he is sad because he thought we were farther then this. He said this is supposed to be a joyous time for us, with the new baby coming, and that he wishes I wasn't still triggery. Apparently she was a BS who D her WH before she meet this H. I know she's a great person, but I just can't handle the triggers from this. He agreed that the beautiful thing was wrong. He said he just wasn't thinking. He said she's just a friend and he will stop the friendship because I mean more to him. (It made me feel so much better)

I'm glad we talked. Thank you all for your support.


Me,BS 33
SA fWH (masame5) 35
Married 13 yrs, 7 kids
D-day 10/9/12 (caught him through fb chat) D-day #2 11/19/12 thru 11/21/12 (found out about all the rest of the A's.)
8 AP

Posts: 196 | Registered: Nov 2012
RidingHealingRd
Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 1:35 AM, December 6th (Friday)

What does recovering from infidelity look like long term? Is he never allowed to have friendships of the opposite gender ever again?

He should NEVER text, or want to text, another woman these words:

"good morning beautiful"

Especially to a woman who is:

she was struggling with her faith and her marriage


Tell him that you now know the answer to his question about whether he should end his friendship with her...
ANSWER: YES

There are red flags flying here.

ETA: I just read about your conversation. I do hope that he will end the friendship and I caution you to keep your eye wide open.

[This message edited by RidingHealingRd at 1:43 AM, December 6th (Friday)]


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 3.5 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2109 | Registered: Nov 2011
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, December 6th (Friday)

I'm sorry but his talk is bullshit. Downplaying his choices and even blameshifting them on to you.

EIGHT affairs. Your d-days are barely 12 months ago.

He doesn't get it.

He has no boundaries.

You shouldn't have to say cut this shit out. Saying you're nervous should be enough for a true FWS who gets it.

As for her being a BS? Plenty of OP were betrayed in other relationships. Hell, my mom's final OM was a. BH who wasn't sure if his kids from his first M were his. MrH walked in on his GF doing it doggy style with one of his best friends in the relationship before ours. Being betrayed doesn't make someone safe.

They're both playing with fire and they know it. If she's having problems in her M, she needs to go to a MC. If she's having a crisis of faith, she needs to go to her spiritual leader. What is not an option is turning to a MM for emotional support if that is not his job (ie- IC, pastor etc). Even then, I'd tread carefully because the professional lines can slip when delving into deep emotional issues if professionalism isn't maintained at all times. I prefer a female IC and to talk to other women in my faith who are farther along in their spiritual journey. Using a MM in place of a safe confidant is just asking for disaster.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11186 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
TimeToManUp
Member
Member # 37538
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, December 6th (Friday)

And that he is sad because he thought we were farther then this. He said this is supposed to be a joyous time for us, with the new baby coming, and that he wishes I wasn't still triggery.

I won't be so brazen as to say that I never said such a thing to my BW, because I most likely did. However, being on the other side of those cloudy emotions I can tell you that whole sentiment is bullshit. He's making you feel bad for not being cool with him having a girlfriend. This is not a trigger issue or a time issue, it's a boundary issue and he clearly has few (none?) boundaries. The conversations you describe wouldn't necessarily be OK even without the history.


I know we're worth it.
WH (Me-33)
BW (tattoodchinadoll-31)
D-Day: 12/22/11
Together 15 years, married for 10.
Three daughters, 8, 4 and 2.

Posts: 227 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: New Jersey
Pentup
Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, December 6th (Friday)

He wishes you were not so triggers??

F that! You wish he had some decent boundaries and respected you enough to not be texting another woman as beautiful.

Do NOT internalize this as your issue or that you were not specific enough or you are too nice.

She is NOT a wonderful person and your husband is either obtuse or blatantly a jerk.

Sorry, I see you taking ownership of this and no. It is 200% him.

If my h texted, emailed or called some other woman using a term of endearment, he would be gone. It is totally disrespectful to you.


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6583 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, December 6th (Friday)

Bullshit. This isn't about you triggering!!!! My God!! He doesn't get it!!!! It is about his poor boundaries and the fact he was entering into another EA with this woman. The fact that he is putting this all on you shows he is Blameshifting and gas lighting you. He has no boundaries at all, none.

Please do not fall for this.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, December 6th (Friday)

TTMU speaks truth. Re-read that post several times and let it sink in.

farther then this.

This part here is the core of it - what does he think is going on, he's just waiting out your transitioning phase so he can resume whatever behaviors he was engaged in before? He has changed this for life.

Some people may be comfortable with opposite gender friendships after a situation like this but some people are comfortable piercing their dicks with brass rings and calling it body art. Whenever you wonder about other people being okay with something because he says something like this with the implication of normality, envision a body piercing artist nailing a big old pin through his dick for the real world perspective. It doesn't have to be okay for you just because others make it work.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7444 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, December 6th (Friday)

What atsenaotie and TTMU said, and

I suggest telling your H something like:

You can't possibly be farther along the healing path, and it can't possibly be a joyous time, when he thinks texting 'good morning beautiful' to another woman is OK for a married man. And recognizing it's wrong after doing it does nothing to mitigate his crime against your M.

And tell him C is a lot cheaper than D, and overall, it'll take a lot less time from his day.

[This message edited by sisoon at 12:20 PM, December 6th (Friday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10075 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, December 6th (Friday)

What they said.

Honey, don't buy into his crap.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6442 | Registered: Jan 2011
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, December 6th (Friday)

I don't know why everyone is harping on the text. That's just one piece of evidence.

He is breaking boundaries. MM shouldn't be chatting about relationship issues with other women. It risks the slippery slope...the text just proves he's standing on the edge of the slippery slope getting ready to dance his way to OW#9...if he hasn't already. The text isn't the start of the wrong choices, it's the culmination of the wrong choices.

Even without that text, what he's doing is wrong.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11186 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
Scubachick
Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 5:16 AM, December 7th (Saturday)

And recognizing it's wrong after doing it does nothing to mitigate his crime against your M.

Why do they do this??? It drives me crazy! I can ask my WH why did you do what you did? Where did your boundaries go? His answer to everything is "i was wrong and I'm sorry". I want to reach down his throat and rip out his spine every time I hear him say that.


Posts: 661 | Registered: Jul 2013
TheAmazingWondertwin
Member
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, December 7th (Saturday)

I know everyone has chimed in already but ...
Yah. I call bullshit.

As I read your reply about his response I almost dropped my phone.
He completely turned it around to make it your fault.
He totally snowed you.

Just... I'm sorry... Please reread the other replies and REALLY take the time to think about it.


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
atsenaotie
Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, December 9th (Monday)

He agreed that the beautiful thing was wrong. He said he just wasn't thinking.

And this is why he needs help inorder to be a partner in a relationship with you or anyone. He needs to understand boundaries, and the "not thinking" default should be to be safe and enforce them. You are not the issue here, he is.

I agree it would be nice to be further along, but he has not done the work.

He needs help with this, he has proven that establishing boundaries and owning issues is not something he can fix on his own.

Well I finally got brave enough to talk to him. <snip> (I did say that. I struggle with hurting people.)

And here is something for you to work on while he is working on his crap. In a healthy relationship one party cannot be afraid to raise issues with the other. Conflict avoidance is very damaging to intimate relationships. While he is working on his stuff, can you schedule some IC time for you to work on conflict avoidance?

Him acknowledging mistakes with OW when you point them out is not the foundation of a good M.


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4129 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
ladycody
Member
Member # 41401
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, December 9th (Monday)

I just wanted to comment on him saying that he thought you were "further along than this". He needs to understand that if his expectation is for you, at some point down the road, to be ok with this type of behavior in his part...that it ain''t gonna happen. That if he expects you to trust him with close women companions down the road...again...that''s not a viable future....EVER. He also needs to realize that he has been given a gift by you...and if you are really what matters...he should be grateful for the opportunity to keep you in his life. I am angry for you right now... :(


Me 47
WS 41
M=16 years

Posts: 130 | Registered: Nov 2013
TheAmazingWondertwin
Member
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

Good point ladycody!!!

I didn't even see that until you pointed it out.

Oooh.... Now I'm angry for you again.

Perhaps a discussion about what he sees as appropriate on a relationship and what you see as appropriate in a relationship is definitely in order. You both have every different ideas about these things- best to discuss them honestly so that you can make decisions about whether you can be in the relationship at all.

I will never be "far enough along" for my WH to have female friends that he texts and talks with.

[This message edited by TheAmazingWondertwin at 8:26 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)]


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
Topic Posts: 36