User Topic: When the dog dies
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

We may need to put one of our dogs down this afternoon. My WW and I have been separated since August, and she has the kids today. I have been in touch with her about the dog and we are going to all go to the vets this afternoon, to potentially say goodbye to the pup. My question is whether anyone has advice on how to brace myself for this experience? This is a very emotional space to be in with someone that I now longer want to be in an emotional space with. I will do it for my kids and for my own need to say goodbye to our family pet, but I am just worried on being in that space with her. And to be clear, I am not worried about arguments or anything like that. It's more the anxiety of e emotional toll.

I don't know what I'm really asking for, just wondering if others have experiences like this they can share.

Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 725 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 41195
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

There's now way I could have my STBXH with me. It's hard enough putting a dog down, I think having him there would make it even worse.

So sorry you have to deal with this. Ugh the fur-babies. . . .

caelitus mihi vires
"My strength is from heaven"

Posts: 211 | Registered: Nov 2013
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

We had to have one of our cats put down while separated. It was pretty wrenching. I don't know your situation, but for us, it was something that we did together. We cried and held one another and I think mourned marriage as much as our fur baby. Just be OK with whatever you feel.

Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 615 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

Perhaps instead of all of you going to the vet, just have them come say their goodbyes and then you take your dog to the vet by yourself?

Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away your joy. Life is too short to put up with fools.

Posts: 13811 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

There is no way in hell that I would have wanted my XWH there. Not a chance.

D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.

Posts: 3416 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

First of all, I'm so sorry. We had to put our beloved dog down a couple of months before DDay. I was still dealing with the trauma from that when DDay came.

It is such a difficult thing to do. I don't think there's any right or wrong way to do this with WW. Just do what feels right to you. As much as I loathe the Gnat, he loved our dog too and I know it would have been important for him to be there. I guess I feel it's similar to if one if the kids had to be hospitalized or something, I would want him to be there for the kids.

I'll be thinking of you today and wishing you strength to get through this difficult day.

[This message edited by newlysingle at 10:13 AM, December 5th (Thursday)]

BW - Me (37)
XWH - (37) The Gnat
OW - Some dumb whore he picked up in another state and moved here here. Known as Hello Kitty.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (5), 1 DS (1 year)
Dday 3/13
Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 925 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

EX was there when we had to put our beloved cat to sleep. At the time he was not yet even STBX, we were still in L but he made me physically ill to even be in the same room with at that time. ANYWAY, he was by my side during the procedure and I felt VIOLATED. Absolutely violated to have to share such an intimate experience with him. He made it all about him. Bastard. I petted Kitty until he took his last breath. When Kitty was finally gone he tried to collapse on me and have me comfort him. I violently shook him off and told him to get away.

It may be easier for you since you're already separated. If you've never helped a pet cross the Rainbow Bridge before, be warned it can and will bring out powerful reactions you don't expect.

Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011

Posts: 9830 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

((((kg & kids)))) I'm so sorry.

You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana

Posts: 25777 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

I had to do it with my Golden. As she had the dog she called me. I picked him up and put him in my truck and went to the vet together along with our son. We said our goodbyes and we all cried on the way back to her place. I did not mention anything else except what the task at hand was. I comforted my son as best I could and left after dropping them off. I cried for three days as I loved that animal. I would have taken him when we S was it not for my son. Had him from 12 weeks old till he was 16. It was his time to go and he lived a full life. I waited a year and got another dog. Its not gonna be easy, but it has to be done. I'm sorry pal.

You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5732 | Registered: Nov 2007
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, December 5th (Thursday)


I'm sorry about your pup.

It's a bad experience under the best circumstance. No advice, just some empathy.

Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 767 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

Ugh - Being in a decent relationship, and having to put an animal down is difficult enough. Been there far too many times in recent years. I can tell you that we always opted for the kids to say their goodbyes at home. We always felt that their last memories with the pet should be of comfort, and warmth, not the clinic.

We always chose to honor our dogs last day and make it great, a trip to White Castles, to the park for some squirrel watching, what they loved. Doing that I know is more for us, than them, but I figured if I was dying I'd want a few of my favorite things too.

My only recommendation is to keep the focus on the situation at hand, saying good bye to a beloved family member, and thats all.

Wishing you comfort peace, and warm memories today.

Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8722 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

Our dog died a week after d day. It was a terribly emotional experience for me. She clung to me. We hugged. We cried. The bitch sat there te ting her AP. I was furious but as a man I felt it was the right thing to be there for her. Not as my spouse but as a hurting human being. I really wore it for a while after that but I realized I would hate myself in the long run if I didn't do what I thought was right at the time.

Just my 2 cents

Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 773 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
Member # 32962
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

I'm so sorry you're facing this part of the journey and pet ownership. I don't have much advice except to tell you to make sure if you want time alone with your dog to say your goodbyes and to be as emotional as you need to be without feeling vulnerable to make sure you get it. Other than that I just want to send hugs.

-betrayed almost my whole almost 15 yr marriage
-divorced since 2004

Posts: 880 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

I'm so sorry. Losing a pet is one of the worst things I've ever experienced. My furbabies have played a HUGE part in my survival over the last 8 mos. I can only imagine it's the same for you so this must be a devastating thing to face right now.

I initially didn't want a puppy, but my XWH insisted. Of course, once we actually got the dog, I was the one who cared for him and he became 100% my baby. After D-day, XWH came to the house to get the last of his stuff. I went to ridiculous lengths to ensure that he never even laid eyes on the dog. Correction- MY dog.

There is no way in hell I would even tell him the dog was sick or potentially need to be put down, and I would absolutely not tolerate his presence. Putting down an animal is very, very hard. I've had to do it three times. Please don't allow any additional stress by her presence.

It's hypocritical to me the way these cheaters think. DECIDE, assholes. You either have a heart, or you don't. You have a soul, or you don't. You have a conscience that resembles human, or you don't. You can't betray someone who loved you and trusted you and committed their life to you, without so much as a second thought... and then cry crocodile tears at the passing of a pet you "loved", and expect to be welcomed and comforted by the spouse you betrayed.

Ugh. I'm sad and infuriated on your behalf.

Sending hugs to you.

Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin

Posts: 919 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
Member # 3293
Concerned  Posted: 6:03 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

kg201 ... I cannot draw from personal experience on this one, but I can draw from tremendous, vast, limitless love for furbabies, absolutely.

I am so sorry for what you are facing. You being there is an important part of your dog's journey, and also an important lesson for your children, I think, about commitment and staying through the end. Its funny, but sometimes I believe that children deal with these things far better than adults do.

With your WW there, I don't know ... I try to imagine how I would feel in that position. I think all you can do is remind yourself that the dog is a creature that you both loved, each in your own way. Being there in your dog's final moments is much more about doing what is right for your dog, than it is about you being there for WW or vice versa. Sure, it is something that you shared, but this part of the journey - namely, grief - will be a path you walk mostly alone.

That is all easier said than done, of course. There is no way around how difficult that experience will be for all of you.

Be kind to yourself. And all of us animal lovers here on SI (boy, there are a LOT), we will be there in heart and thought with you.

All dogs go to Heaven, my friend. You will see them again.


A saying for my SI Family: "We may not have it all together, but together we have it all".

Fooled twice - almost exactly 10 years apart.

Posts: 3377 | Registered: Jan 2004 | From: California
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, December 6th (Friday)

Thank you everyone for your kind thoughts and sympathy. It worked out alright. The kids, my WW and I sat around Willie and said our goodbyes at home. Then my 15 year old asked to come with me to the vet's and we went together. He waited in the waiting room while I was in with Willie for the final moments. I had my alone time with him which is what I had hoped for. I thanked my son for coming with me.

All in all it was a good goodbye. Now Willie has followed Mandela to the hereafter to take care of honorable puppy thing to do.

Thanks again,

[This message edited by kg201 at 7:52 AM, December 6th (Friday)]

Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 725 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, December 6th (Friday)

I'm glad that it worked out well for you.
And I'm very sorry that your family has lost Willie.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

Posts: 8089 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 17