SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: This is why Reconciliation is so hard
Althea
Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, December 5th (Thursday)

We are about a year into real R after about four months of TT. WH has made the changes we all hope our WS will make. We have both graduated from IC and MC. He is happy and loving, and I truly believe he will not cheat again. Am I happy? Happy enough to stay. I am one of those who R'd for the kids. They are small and we coparent well. They are being shown a strong and healthy parental relationship. That being said, I'm still waiting to feel like I love him again. I fell in love with a man who I believed showed a great amount of integrity. As it turns out, he proved to be a man who lacked it. I thought he was someone who could never cheat on me. I was totally wrong. So, in essence he wasn't who I thought he was. So now what? He has changed and done the VERY hard work I didn't think he was capable of, such hard work in fact that few people would have stuck it out. I guess the question is whether I can fall in love with this man, the man I now know. Do I already love him? Will I ever? Has too much damage been done. I really don't know. It is so confusing. And sad.

I envy those who can say they never stopped loving their WS. I wish I had that certainty. I truly have no idea how I feel about him.

Gah! What is my point? I don't know. Has anyone else gone through this and had a positive result? At this point, I'm basically contemplating a long term exit strategy (as in a few years, I just had a baby 3 months ago and need to onramp) and hoping that my feelings change in the meantime; but this just seems so incredibly depressing to me; and I don't even know for sure it is what I want.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 457 | Registered: Dec 2012
KatyDo
Member
Member # 41245
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

I can relate because after all of this what I feel is *confused*. It's like the grief comes in stages and part of it is just shock - and then wanting to hold the pieces of my life together. Stay true to your feelings while being vulnerable enough to let the healing take hold. Share your feelings with h so that he can respond to you and support the process.


Married 7 years, together for 14
Me: BS Him: chronic boundary issues, EA for 2 years, DD Spring 2013

Posts: 194 | Registered: Nov 2013
niaveone
Member
Member # 40317
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

I could have written this post (minus the baby, of course).I thought we were a team. Us against the world. No matter if we were in a slump, or stressed, we were together and we would figure it out. Then that was taken from me without my knowing. I've told our MC this and I've told my WS this. I just don't feel like we are married anymore. I feel like I got the marriage stolen right out from under me, and WS changed the rules without my consent. I feel violated by the one person I thought would always have my back. How do you come back from that?

I still feel like I need an exit strategy in case he does something stupid again, even though he seems to have been doing *everything* that needs to be done.

The previous poster captured a thought I was just trying to convey to my WS today. I said "I get a small dose of happiness and contentment, then I get scared. I'm afraid it's all going to be ripped out from under me at a moment's notice like before. So then I stop feeling happy and content and get on guard again. Which causes anxiety"

Being vulnerable enough to let the healing begin. That's a wonderful way of putting it.


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married: 17 years
2 children
2 DDays

Posts: 251 | Registered: Aug 2013
Angel177
Member
Member # 37274
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

I could have written your post.

I hope I fall in love with wh again someday. I really really want to. He is the man I always knew he could be...the man I waited 9 years for him to be. The last year has been the best we have ever had. He is the best dad now too...he was always good but he's better now.

But...he cheated on me! He's a liar (I knew that when I married him..) and a cheater (that I did not know when I married him)

So he is everything I ever wanted and I have my dream life but at what cost? Is all this worth living with the affair forever? I honestly don't know.

If he had gotten to this place without the affair...it would have been sooo different. Makes me cry just thinking about how much better all if this would be if he hadn't cheated. Makes me just want to scream. It's not fair. I hate this.


Me:BS
Him:WH
D-Day Sept. 14/12...R started Dec. 3/12
Together-10 years Married-5 years
Daughter-3
Son-13 months (died July 2, 2014)
Baby #3 due Feb. 2015
4 month EA and 4 month EA/PA in 2012 with my "friend"

Posts: 250 | Registered: Oct 2012
I think I can
Member
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

Sounds like you are in year 2. It does get better. And if it doesn't you CAN leave. Tell yourself that. (Even though part of the year 2 thing is feeling trapped.)

[This message edited by I think I can at 3:10 PM, December 5th (Thursday)]


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8827 | Registered: Jan 2008
Althea
Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

Thank you for the replies. KatyDo, the vulnerability is likely the root of my problems. In order to really heal, I needed to get to the point where I could walk away from the marriage and know that I would be okay. I got there. However, I have a very hard time holding on to that while at the same time allowing myself the vulnerability to trust my WH again. If I am ok being on my own, it really doesn't matter if he cheats again, because I will be gone. The problem with this is that it seems to be keeping me from allowing myself to fall back in love with him. Scary stuff.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 457 | Registered: Dec 2012
Althea
Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

Thank you I Think I Can. Sometimes it is just so comforting to hear that what I'm feeling is okay from others who truly get it


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 457 | Registered: Dec 2012
devasted30
Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

Hi Hopeful10 - I could have written your post too except for the newborn baby. I'm about into this R as you are including the TT. I think I have it all as of Sept but who knows. I love my husband - I do. But, is it the love that I once had - NO. Is it enough to stay???? I don't know. But, from everything I've read here, it takes a good 3+ years to get over this (as if we'll ever get over it - I guess the word is "past" this) So, I am continuing to R and hoping for the best. You're younger than me - way younger. Give it another bit of time and see how you feel this time next year. You might be surprised. I hope we get that feeling back. Funny, how my WS gave me the old ILYBINILWY and changed his mind. Now that's the way I feel.


And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!

Posts: 1321 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
Camille87
New Member
Member # 41252
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

We are only 13 months into R and it is hard! I hate it. I hate that I'm here and that he put us here! I don't deserve this!

Yes he has made great strides and changes but ultimately we have suffered great losses in our marriage and in our life together. Some things just aren't fixable or replaceable.

I don't trust him (or anyone!) like I used to and I probably never will.

I have a Plan B for what I will do if he makes another mistake or if I want to leave in the future. Initially I wanted to establish my own line of credit, wanted my own private bank account that he knew nothing about and I did take a concealed handgun licensing class (just feel the need to defend myself if I'm going to be a single mom). I'm also looking for a job change and possibly a career change. I think all of this is pure self defense and probably totally unnecessary (I hope!) but I feel the need to do it so I that I feel some sense of protection.

My knight in shining armor was supposed to protect me but he emotionally raped me so I think it's only natural that I now feel the need to protect myself no matter what valiant efforts he's now making to "fix" things.

Some days I think we'll make it and other days I don't. I'm giving it another year.


Me: BS--42
FWH--45 (recently diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder)
(Two kids: a teen & a tween)
Married 20 years
R in progress
D-day: Nov 17, 2012

Posts: 27 | Registered: Nov 2013
steadfast1973
Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

It is mega hard. I still don't know where I am. I swore i'd leave if he did it again... But here we are... Again... And worse. I am not in a position to leave. He will be the one to leave. Of course, that first day, i almost cleaned out the bank account and took off. Half of me thinks I should have.

The thing for me is, that he confessed, full disclosure within 24 hours of his transgression, and has maintained full dislcosure, and not gotten defensive when I ask for details. Asked for MC, and Help finding IC. He's broken. He cries when I cry. Has a look of REAL remorse, not just regret... Is quite honestly acting like the man i married, and not the man i've been living with since. But... Just when I start to feel happy, a little voice tells me, "He's NOT your perfect husband... He's a lying cheating whore fucker!" (prostitute, not an OW) then I get mad, he takes it... Tells me he deserves it. Which makes me sad... Then we sit and cry into the night, and are tired the next day... ( such as last night... Because it's both my birthday, and the one month antiversary of his transgression... And he has school tonight...) it's exhausting.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
scangel3
Member
Member # 36164
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

I'm there too, I love my wh but at times I can't stand to even look at him, I have not been "in love" with him since dday #1, and not sure I ever will be. But like you I stayed for the young kids, who are now 5,almost 6, and 8. His A ended 3 years ago,but I got tt'd until last June (so for almost 3 years). I'm lost, confused and sad, I lost my dreams of a long happy marriage, to who I thought was my soul mate. I too have a long term exit plan of 3years, because of school.

Hang in there, know you're not alone and we're all here to support you.


BS-me 31, WH-31, M'd-10 years
DD 8.5, DS 6, DS 5.5
Dday 03/01/10 (our DD's bday)
A ended 08/31/10-09/02-10 (with multiple ddays in between).TT on 08/2012, 09/04/12, 11/16/2012, 01/2013, 6/25/2013 Says he wants R, but not proving it

Posts: 714 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Portland
Althea
Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, December 6th (Friday)

I'm both happy and sad that so many of us are in the same boat. R even when it goes "well" isn't for the faint of heart. It is so hard balancing the need to protect oneself and be ready to hit the road at a moments notice (because statistically they are likely to do this again) and be dedicated enough to reconciliation to actually have a shot at saving one's marriage. In fact, looking at it written down, it is a totally unfair position to be in! Year 2. Not how I want my life to be...


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 457 | Registered: Dec 2012
ontheslope
Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, December 6th (Friday)

In fact, looking at it written down, it is a totally unfair position to be in!

Yes it is... I have a lot of anger just from having to be in this position at all. One of the myriad of changes, I think.

hopeful10, I also am in the boat of not knowing exactly how I feel about my W. I guess what it comes down to is that there isn't much room on the roller-coaster for love at the moment. Infidelity is such an enormous, life altering betrayal that changes many of the fundamental truths that we thought we knew. And yes, that is what makes reconciliation so hard.

I have removed the knife from my back, I have handed it to the person who put it there, and I have forgiven them for sticking it there in the first place. But love? I don't know. Still working on that one.


Me: BH, 36
Her: WW, 37
Two girls 8 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 269 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
leapoffaith86
New Member
Member # 40730
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, December 6th (Friday)

I feel you


It's never too late to start all over again

Posts: 11 | Registered: Sep 2013
Althea
Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, December 6th (Friday)

ontheslope I love this analogy:
I have removed the knife from my back, I have handed it to the person who put it there, and I have forgiven them for sticking it there in the first place.

On Dday, I told my WH that the OW could have him, and I meant it. I packed up my kids and left. He told me immediately he didn't want her, and he initiated NC himself. I hadn't yet found this place, I started to second guess my decision, and when the IC I told him he had to get before I would consider coming home said she wanted to be our MC I agreed. This was the period where I took the knife out of my back and handed it to him and he stabbed me again and again with his lies. That TT is what made me decide to divorce him, and finally put up the armor I should have in the first place. Now, I've forgiven him, given the knife back, and have been standing here with the armor on for months trying to work up the courage to take it off.

The way I described it to my WH (who has had to hear from me repeatedly that despite all of his efforts, I may still decide I don't want to be married to him) is that I've been standing at a crossroads for about four months now, and it is a pretty sad place to be. I feel like I want to move from it, but don't know which way to go. I could stay here longer, but I'm not happy; so I would like to move. I think I would like to take the road where we stay married and I actually get to enjoy this new marriage we have created, but it is a far more terrifying road to navigate.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 457 | Registered: Dec 2012
Althea
Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, December 6th (Friday)

And, just because I know you all will get it…yesterday WH and I and the 3 month old all walked together to pick up my oldest from school. He took my hand, so we were holding hands (and the baby was in the front carrier) as we approached the school. As we walked into the school yard, all of the mothers were staring at us and the hearts were practically floating out of their heads. We looked like the cutest, happiest, family. I looked at my husband, and he had a smile like the cat who caught the canary. He was so pleased. I dropped his hand and wanted to vomit on the spot. I felt like I was living this giant lie. Like I've got on paper this husband who is perfect NOW who treats me like a million bucks NOW who tries so hard to show me every day how much he loves me NOW; and I can't enjoy any of it because I still have to live with what happened before. I've forgiven him. I accept it happened. But that doesn't make it any less real or make me happy. It just sucks


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 457 | Registered: Dec 2012
ILINIA
Member
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, December 6th (Friday)

Can you slide down? As I am in this boat as well.

I have been talking about this with my IC. I am so jealous of the BS that knew on dday that they were going to fight for their WS and their family. All I wanted to do was pack my kids up and drive around the USA for the summer. I gave him full freedom to pursue OW. He dropped her instantly and started fighting for us.

So why don't I have any feelings to fight for us? He has changed and he has owned it. I think our marriage could be stronger than what it was before. But what is holding me back? Does that mean it was a deal breaker from day one or is that just how my mind protects itself? If it is just my mind, how can I tear down this wall?

(In case you are wondering, the IC believes it is because I felt the kids, our marriage, and our home was top priority. On dday, I learned that we were really far down on his priority list. Instead of getting burned again, I just shut the door. I have a feeling we are going to be talking about vulnerability and Brene Brown in upcoming sessions...)

It is hard.

eta: Hopeful just read your post. I get it. I was at a party and the group was talking about another friend's upcoming divorce and cheating husband. One of my friends said "Ilinia, you are lucky. You got one of the good ones." I froze and said something dumb like, "Well, marriage is tough."

[This message edited by ILINIA at 2:24 PM, December 6th (Friday)]


Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 492 | Registered: Jul 2013
Althea
Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, December 6th (Friday)

Oh man, Ilinia, I have been struggling with these EXACT issues for months and IC isn't giving me nearly the clarity this thread has. I am still not sure. Ultimately, this may be a deal breaker for me (so depressing after all of this). But I'm not there yet. I'm leaning toward fear of vulnerability as the root issue, but how do I change that and do I want to?


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 457 | Registered: Dec 2012
ontheslope
Member
Member # 40574
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, December 6th (Friday)

And, just because I know you all will get it…yesterday WH and I and the 3 month old all walked together to pick up my oldest from school. He took my hand, so we were holding hands (and the baby was in the front carrier) as we approached the school. As we walked into the school yard, all of the mothers were staring at us and the hearts were practically floating out of their heads. We looked like the cutest, happiest, family. I looked at my husband, and he had a smile like the cat who caught the canary. He was so pleased. I dropped his hand and wanted to vomit on the spot. I felt like I was living this giant lie. Like I've got on paper this husband who is perfect NOW who treats me like a million bucks NOW who tries so hard to show me every day how much he loves me NOW; and I can't enjoy any of it because I still have to live with what happened before. I've forgiven him. I accept it happened. But that doesn't make it any less real or make me happy. It just sucks

I sooooo get this. I bet we all do. I absolutely HATE when people say anything about how great we are, or what a cute couple we make. I had someone ask me a short while ago how long I was M'd for, and then afterwards he said "I bet she's a keeper," and I couldn't answer. I almost puked on my shoes.

I'm also cynical of other's relationships. I know people who have recently M'd and I'm always like "Just you wait... it's coming, you just don't know it yet." I know that's wrong, but it's how I feel.

Where'd all the fucking happiness go?


Me: BH, 36
Her: WW, 37
Two girls 8 & 10
Married 12 years
Dday: July, 2009

She wants answers... I'm still trying to figure out what the questions are.


Posts: 269 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Maine, USA
Althea
Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, December 6th (Friday)

ontheslope, that feeling is what finally prompted me to post. I accept that there will likely always be an asterisk by our happy marriage. This bad thing that happened that changed us, but we are still married and still happy. Right now it is more of an exclamation point and overshadowing the happy to the point where all I can authentically say is that I'm married. I hope for all of us that time changes this and offers some much needed light and clarity. Because really, the happy is more important than the married.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 457 | Registered: Dec 2012
ILINIA
Member
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, December 6th (Friday)

Hopeful10: I know how you feel. We decided that we wouldn't talk about the future of us until mid-January. In my mind, I was determined to give 100% until January to see how it feels. What ended up happening, is me just hanging out doing the same thing. Heck, why can't I even ramp up for a couple of days? So I struggle with what you said "do I even want to?"

Ontheslope: Totally have your back! I am a complete cynic. My friend and her husband were trying to get pregnant and my inner voice wanted to yell, "Don't do it! Don't brings kids into this world, your marriage is going to crumble!" She is due this Spring, so I have to tame my inner voice.

Also, now that we are getting Christmas cards with all the family photos, I look at the husband's and wife's eyes and try and figure out who's the wayward. Man, I hate this! Will I ever be as carefree and normal again?

[This message edited by ILINIA at 2:56 PM, December 6th (Friday)]


Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 492 | Registered: Jul 2013
TheGarden
Member
Member # 40788
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, December 6th (Friday)

Yeah, I'm pretty much here as well.


Me: BW, 39, Him: WH, 43; married 9 years, together 13 years
DDay:July 2013; EA progressing to a PA
APs: ex-"friend" & her enabling polyamorous husband
Status: Dual-income-no-kids, 2 cats, taking it day-by-day, married till we're not

Posts: 61 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Florida
Camille87
New Member
Member # 41252
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, December 7th (Saturday)

The mention of how upsetting it is when others compliment you as a couple or as a family...it all goes to show you that looks can be deceiving!

To use this lesson in a more positive light...when you start to think other potential partners (past or present) or when your friend's or co-worker's marriages look ideal...think again! We have no idea what goes on in other people's relationships or other people's private lives!

[This message edited by Camille87 at 6:38 PM, December 7th (Saturday)]


Me: BS--42
FWH--45 (recently diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder)
(Two kids: a teen & a tween)
Married 20 years
R in progress
D-day: Nov 17, 2012

Posts: 27 | Registered: Nov 2013
Althea
Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

Camille87, I often think about this. I never really considered other people's marriages, and now I look at all of them so critically. Interestingly, WH and I probably have the best tools to have a long healthily marriage of anyone I know; but as others have said - at what cost? Sigh. Hugs to us all. This is a tough time of year.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 457 | Registered: Dec 2012
marionwendy
Member
Member # 41303
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

I know Im right behind all the rest of you. I truly loved my husband before this happened. I look at him now and think to myself do I really want this? Your not the man I married, who are you? Should I stay or should I go? Our children are grown and have there own families starting, why do I feel like my feet are in cement and I cant make a concise decision? My WS has shown remorse and is trying hard to make everything right.....Do I love him the same? NO! Do I love him? Yes! I don't know if I will ever love him that way again. I hold back, my voice in my head constantly reminds me,(he lied to you for 4 months, he took his clothes off and had sex with another... don't trust him.) I don't know I just don't know! It makes me sad!


BS-49
WS-50
Married-18
Together-21
Children-2

Life is not measured by the breaths we take
but by the moments that take our breath away.


Posts: 216 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: canada
Shattered-Heart
Member
Member # 32165
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

Move on over some more, in the same boat with you guys.
Hate Christmas, cards, the whole lot of joy right now as I'm on the lethal plain of flatness, I think. Right there with ILYBINILWY. Who are you? Not who I married. Two year old and strong family ethic means I think I should try to R, but I'm not getting what I need and I wonder if this is a dealbreaker for me, too... Totally right there with you on the cynical thing, and have had the same hand holding he's so happy and I could just puke when ppl tell me what a 'good guy' I have! Yeah, if only you knew. I'm just too exhausted to tell everyone. My own SIL (who's having problems in her marriage) said she didn't want to be there if I visited my brother because she 'didn't want to have to pretend' everything was all right. If only she knew!!! I did try to tell her I get it, she absolutely didn't have to pretend nothing's up, I'm an adult and know how rough marriage can be, BTDT (she knows about my ex), but I'm sure she's thinking how blissful my current marriage is, and it's not at all! It's just I don't want her shouting it from the rooftops about what's going on (just who she is), and judging.
I also struggle with the is this the year two crap or is it just all too much and I can't handle this all? And the stupid holidays, from Nov to Feb 14, make it worse. What do you write on the cards? F*ing lousy year, Merry Christmas?? Sigh.
(((to all)))


Me BW
Him WH
"The trick is to keep breathing." - Garbage

Posts: 180 | Registered: May 2011
vivere
Member
Member # 34465
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

I am pleased to read that this is common in the 2nd year. It gives me hope.

It makes sense. The dust has settled, the original shock has waned and reality has been layed out in front of us.

Speaking in general terms (dangerous I know..) most of us have probably undertaken a fair bit of introspection (I know I have) and are probably a fair bit healthier than we were (in thought). Many of us have realised that we are stronger than we thought and that alone, we would survive, (probably even thrive ).

I now know what I deserve and my history falls well short of the mark. Without the fear of being alone, I now have choices and here is where the conflict comes for me. I like WH, in spite of everything. We have good times together, the family has good times together. I have no guarantees that a life alone or shared with another would be better or even have an equal amount of 'good times'. So now it is not fear that keeps me here but a willingness to wait and see what changes continue to happen. Today is a good day though and I see progress, tomorrow might be different. It's the days where I feel progress has stopped or slowed that are the hardest to navigate.

The day I wake up and can say without emotion, 'I've given it all I've got and WH has given it all he has and it's still not enough.' That would be the day I walked away.


You are responsible for your own happiness :)

Posts: 316 | Registered: Jan 2012
Althea
Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

The day I wake up and can say without emotion, 'I've given it all I've got and WH has given it all he has and it's still not enough.' That would be the day I walked away.

yes.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 457 | Registered: Dec 2012
RedRose
Member
Member # 39584
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

I was coming on today to post this question myself.

After Dday 3, my feelings for WS changed. I wasn't sad for myself anymore, I was disgusted with him. I lately question whether or not I love him, and honestly, I don't think that I do. I am hoping that it will come back, but wonder if it is really possible to come to love him again. He feels like he is doing everything possible to R, while I don't agree, which I think is a big reason why I am questioning my feelings for him. I read on SI about many WS who are doing everything to build trust as well as making their BS fall in love with them again, and WS just isn't doing it.

Unlike Dday 1 and Dday 2, I now realize that I am worth more. I deserve someone who thinks of me like I think of him, who puts effort into showing love and rebuilding a loving relationship. I just wish I could make him feel the same way.


BW-35
WH - 35
2.5 year LTA

Posts: 160 | Registered: Jun 2013
Flatlined123
Member
Member # 35862
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

Has too much damage been done?[/quote]

I think this is really the question. We are 4 years out and I still wonder this. All the lies......the lies right to my face while he saw my cry knowing there was something wrong, but too trusting to know what and after DDay he saw me struggle to put myself back together and still continued the affair

My other question is has he damaged ME too much? I don't trust like I did. I never will. I don't trust my judgment anymore. I'm so sad I'll never trust him or anyone else completely like I did before.

He's left me with a limp I'll always have as a reminder.

For me THATS why R is so hard.


Me: BS 43
H : WS 46
DD #1 7-11-08
DD#2 8-21-09 same OW, A never ended.
Started R in 12-09
"If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should be able to bench press a Buick."

Posts: 677 | Registered: Jun 2012
standinghere
Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 2:44 AM, December 9th (Monday)

12 years post affair.

3 years post DD.

I never stopped loving my wife, I know that. Yet, there were many days that I wasn't sure what it meant when she said she loved me.

I'm still not quit sure all the time.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 1012 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
Flatlined123
Member
Member # 35862
Default  Posted: 5:04 AM, December 9th (Monday)

Satadinghere....That's another thing. H would tell me he loved me all through the affair. I mean seriously? "Have a good day, Honey. I love you" and a kiss before he left for work all the while planning on seeing her and having sex with her later that day. Yep, that shows love.

How do I trust any love from him now?


Me: BS 43
H : WS 46
DD #1 7-11-08
DD#2 8-21-09 same OW, A never ended.
Started R in 12-09
"If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should be able to bench press a Buick."

Posts: 677 | Registered: Jun 2012
Althea
Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, December 9th (Monday)

Flatlined: I have to tell you that your situation is the one I fear most. That I will stick this out for another year, two years, and still be standing in this same place, where I don't know whether my inability to love him is because he damaged me too much or because I am too scared to be vulnerable enough to let him in. I want it to be the latter because that is the version I can work through and keep an in tact family for my kids; but I can't will myself to love him. If I am in this same place a year from now, I think I will call it quits

Standinghere: My WH told me he loved me through his A too. Hell, he told OW that he loved me That one has been easier for me to reconcile. I believe he did love me, but that he was so damaged and so out of touch with himself that the love was a pretty superficial one that let him live in denial about the massive amount of pain and damage he was creating. I have seen the incredible amount of work he has done on himself since we began R. When something is wrong now, even if he tells me it is nothing initially, I can trust that he will come back to me in an hour or a day and tell me what is up. He is showing an emotional intimacy and love for me he was incapable of before we began R.

Rationally, I trust he will not cheat again. Yet, I have total anxiety from time to time that he is doing just that because I was so blindsided the first time. This is the limp. Mine is a lot better than it was; but absolutely still there.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 457 | Registered: Dec 2012
womaninflux
Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, December 9th (Monday)

I certainly can understand how you feel. Has your MC suggested that you work on forgiveness?

My response is in no way meant to diminish your feelings. MC brought this up in our last session. My gut reaction was "not so fast…I am only now just learning about things."

I get myself into "trouble" (internally freaking out, doubting, etc.) when I live in the past. The MC said it is a choice for me to live in the present or live in the past. I think as BS we think if we put the past behind us, we are saying to the WS "What you did is ok…I am over it." If he is doing the work he needs to do, isn't part of that recognizing that what he did was wrong, damaging to himself and to others? Do you believe that he won't make the same mistake?

I remember on one of the infidelity blogs I read that one of the "mistakes" BS make in reconciliation is choosing to remain victim, choosing to look for the pain over and over again. It's a trap that is easy for all of us BS to fall into because we think that if we aren't feeling the pain, then the WS is getting away with it. Aren't we doing ourselves a terrible disservice by continuing to go there after a certain point? After all, we are making a choice to stay or go.

I am struggling to get through this part, too.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
Althea
Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, December 9th (Monday)

womaninflux, you bring up a good point. I forgave my WH about 6 months ago, and although it was frightening, it lifted a huge weight from my shoulders. Yet, even with forgiveness and acceptance, there are still echoes of the pain that was caused. There are also core questions of the WS's integrity and character. This isn't anger or being the victim, it is objectively looking at the choices your WS made and wondering whether you can love someone who could do that to another person. Or as others have put it, is the damage inflicted on your and your marriage just too much? I do think this is something that comes up more in the second year because the acuteness of the pain and betrayal has subsided enough to lead to this kind of introspection. The problem of course is that the answers aren't any easier.

This thread has helped me immensely, mostly because so many are going through the same feelings. My therapist was pretty quick to blame it on postpartum depression and feelings related to once again having to put my professional life on hold; and I knew in my gut that wasn't all their was to it.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 457 | Registered: Dec 2012
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, December 9th (Monday)

great thread....

after his first affair I was a basket case with no recovery or healing, just survival, before I caught him in his 2nd affair. That just sunk me down deeper. I really think I could have forgiven the first one, hell I have. But I can't the 2nd one.

staying or going - I think it's entirely possible for someone to stay and remain married for other reasons than having an intimate marriage where you can be vulnerable. I think many people do. They have shared interests and get along quite well. Is this the marriage I want? Not really. But currently deciding...

[This message edited by rachelc at 9:16 AM, December 9th (Monday)]


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5269 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
EaglesWings
Member
Member # 41156
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, December 9th (Monday)

So glad to read this. After 18 mos, I too am struggling with this. FWH has done A LOT, but there's a part that just can't trust it. I do love him, at times feel "in love" but that's rare.

I think that having worked through the A, we (BS) are left looking at the marriage that remains. Prior to A, I believed we had a good marriage, and when things went flat I believed it was a natural phase, we would work through. I never second guessed it. I had faith in our commitment. I knew things would get better Now when those inevitable times of flatness arise, I am confused. I don't know if it's just a phase, or if fWH is "checking out." I no longer have that "safety net." I really don't think I ever will again.

So I must decide-is this enough? I really don't know. We have fun, we laugh, we make new memories, sex is good. But something died, and I don't know if I can live without it.


Just one beggar telling another beggar where to find bread....

Posts: 54 | Registered: Oct 2013
morethantrying
Member
Member # 40547
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, December 9th (Monday)

I get all that is here too! Womeninflux made great points. As a BS we have some work to do on our own where we come out of this stronger, self-assured and knowing that we are worthy of love and respect. When WS is "showing this" I am so reassured, but he cannot do this 24/7....who could? So my challenge is to take a leap of faith and trust that all will go well and then LOOK FOR IT.

In the "flat times" I tend to seek the negative to "validate" my negative, scary, uncertain feelings. But that is self-defeating if I REALLY intend to move on and be happy -- negative thoughts, uncertain thoughts left to ferment will only grow....

Staying in the present, working on that is really the best, albeit quite hard, to do all the time. I often ask myself...what is happening NOW...am I okay NOW...and the answer is usually YES if I really think about my "now".

It helps to try to live in the present and not to keep looking for "what might happen next". I try to tell myself that. Take life as it come and trust in the process...because taking the leap of faith and "trusting" is better for me. Then, you can ENJOY the real present moments...

Hopeful10...at that MOMENT at the school, you really WERE a happy family....it was only your own "thinking" that dragged you down. At that moment he was feeling true feelings for you and feeling great about really loving you and his family...sometimes if you can, let yourself think "happy" and be pulled into the wonderful moment and bask in it...just be there for that moment knowing that at that moment, even just that moment, all is ok and all will be okay.

I give advice, but don't mistake, I struggle with the "moments" as well....we are TOUGH we BSs...AMAZING....let's live our moments as best we can and let the future take care of itself...no matter what MAY happen we will be okay so it is OKAY to live in the moments...I'll try to take my own advice!

[This message edited by morethantrying at 7:11 PM, December 9th (Monday)]


Affairs - hard on us both - but love will win.
Me: BS 55
Him: WS 62
Married 32 yrs.
dday TT from 12/2012-2/2013)...

Posts: 305 | Registered: Sep 2013
morethantrying
Member
Member # 40547
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, December 9th (Monday)

Eagleswings: I understand that feeling..something died...what has died, I think, is the "illusion" of the perfect man and marriage...I say illusion because it was not the reality...obviously! For me too letting go, grivieng what I thought I had is hard...but it was not REAL. SO that died.

But now I have the REAL thing to LOVE, if I'm seeking real Mature love. I can now love the REAL man...not a perfect man, not my "illusion" but the real and "painfully" HUMAN man...to really love, to let myself love imperfection is really incredible...and I can be proud to grow in this way...it matters not what he does or does not do, this is about my own self growth and development...ain't saying it is easy, but probably will be very worth it...how great to just "LOVE"...this is real love is it not....to love "despite" or in spite of human failings....ah, and to be honest it is not like I am perfect...though pretty close!


Affairs - hard on us both - but love will win.
Me: BS 55
Him: WS 62
Married 32 yrs.
dday TT from 12/2012-2/2013)...

Posts: 305 | Registered: Sep 2013
Althea
Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

Morethantrying: thank you so much for your contribution to this thread.
I understand that feeling..something died...what has died, I think, is the "illusion" of the perfect man and marriage...I say illusion because it was not the reality...obviously! For me too letting go, grivieng what I thought I had is hard...but it was not REAL.
This really resonated with me. I think it is the key to moving forward. As a few of you now have wisely pointed out, living in the now is the best we can do. Let the fact that our marriage is healthy and good now be enough. Don't try to get back to the feelings that were there before, or try to compare the love that exists post-A to the love that came before. Maybe instead of concentrating on what died, we look at what was born...Pretty profound.

The day before I discovered my WH's A, I was in the shower thinking how lucky I was. I knew and loved the man I was going to grow old with, and I was looking forward to it. I was, dare I say it, smug. I still remember that so clearly, like it was this morning. I keep wanting to get back to that day. Recapture that feeling of being so sure of my future; and I have been grieving for that loss. To take the great advice offered on this thread, I think I need to reframe this. I can look forward to growing old, and the adventures life holds. If they include my WH, they include a man far healthier than the one I was married to the day I keep reliving and grieving. And if it doesn't include him? It includes a healthier me, who is stronger than I ever knew possible. It still includes my incredible children (one who might not exist were it not for the A), and watching them grow into strong, incredible women. Women who will very likely be emotionally healthier adults because their parents have worked so hard on their own FOO issues. I have all of this to look forward to and maybe it is better than the future I was hanging my hat on in the first place.

Sure, it would have been great if all of this could have happened without the A, but that isn't reality. Time to focus on the real, tangible, and GOOD I have in my life.

Thank you, friends.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 457 | Registered: Dec 2012
Topic Posts: 40