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User Topic: What to make of this?
RealityStinks
Member
Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

WW wanted me to meet with her and her attorney today to discuss a D agreement. When she called yesterday to discuss today's meeting, I said I wasn't interested and that she could direct all further contact through my attorney. You could tell that this surprised her. I gave her his name/number, and then got off the phone. That was the most we've spoken in about two weeks since I told her to get out of the house.

Well, last night she stops by my office (first time in like 6 months) and I was still here working late. We actually had a decent conversation about everything, and it was the first time in a long time that we didn't end up arguing. She says she is scared to work on us because of how I treated her for the past 8.5 years (not bad, but I admit that I got comfortable and did not "date" her as much as I should have). She has rewritten most of our history in her mind though. Paying close attention to her words, you can tell that she is still trying to blame me for her A. She seems to be regretful, but not remorseful. She wants me to know that "she is hurting too". And, she was upset because I didn't call to she where she was or how she was doing since I told her to get out. I also got the "I love you but not the way you deserve to be loved" line again last night.

I told her that I'm moving on with my life, but that I am not yet beyond the point of R. But, she has to kick him out of her life, come clean about everything, apologize to me, apologize to her family, go to counseling, and be accountable for her time and whereabouts. I've made it very clear that I'm not interested in R unless that happens. I have time limit that I've set, at which point I will file for D. She doesn't know what that time frame is.

If you read my profile story, you'll find enough evidence to convince just about anyone that she's had an affair. I'm not stupid, and I know she's still not telling me everything. She claims (same as in the past) that he is not part of the picture. I am still very cautious/skeptical though. When I tried to ask questions about the A last night, all I get is "I'm not having that conversation again" even if I've never asked that particular question.

So, all of that to ask: Is that fact that I'm setting the process in motion (attorney, NC, separating finances, etc.) maybe breaking her fog a little? Has anyone else experienced something similar when you finally stood up for yourself? If so, what did you do, and what eventually happened?

It helps to get outside perspectives, because I still want to think the best.


Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
EasyDoesIt
Member
Member # 29514
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

The truth will set you free. If you don't feel free, you don't have the truth.

You have the right to have all knowledge of all things that have affected your life. The fact that she was "distracted" by another means that it affected your life. You have a right to know the who, what, where, when, why, & how.

Until you have ALL of that information, then you can't make a sound decision to reconcile, because you don't know what you're reconciling WITH.

Good luck to you. Focus on the target. Do not focus on what is not the target.


Anything less than full disclosure and total transparency is pure bullshit. WARNING! No emotional pollution allowed.

Posts: 3691 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Georgia
whiteflower99
Member
Member # 13937
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

I think so.
I am seeing similar behavior in my husband. It took me getting paper work and filing to get him to say he wanted to R.
I am still deciding if that is what is best.
It sucks that they have to lose it all in order to appreciate it.
Has your wife stopped contacting OM? You're sure he is single and there is no other BS?


What are you pretending not to know?

me FBS
him idiotic sex addicted, hormone addled, porn watching, post pubescent male with a walking hard on for anything without a penis
4 kids 15 13 12 8
Earned my *F* the hard way; no longer defining mysel


Posts: 1701 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Greensboro, NC
nomistakeaboutit
Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

she has rewritten most of our history in her mind though. Paying close attention to her words, you can tell that she is still trying to blame me for her A. She seems to be regretful, but not remorseful.

Sounds like a strong basis for divorce, to me.

I told her that I'm moving on with my life, but that I am not yet beyond the point of R. But, she has to kick him out of her life, come clean about everything, apologize to me, apologize to her family, go to counseling, and be accountable for her time and whereabouts. I've made it very clear that I'm not interested in R unless that happens.

She's not remorseful and without remorse you get crap like what she said to you below:

When I tried to ask questions about the A last night, all I get is "I'm not having that conversation again" even if I've never asked that particular question.

Is that fact that I'm setting the process in motion (attorney, NC, separating finances, etc.) maybe breaking her fog a little?

No. Sorry.

You've already told her what she needs to do for a chance at R. She has not done it. Again, I'm sorry. I'm being blunt, but I think it is important, as I said in a previous post, to not over think all of this. I can see that you would like to keep hope alive. Unfortunately, she isn't invested in your hope. She should be down on her hands and knees BEGGING you to take her back. Instead, she's blaming you, rewriting your marital history and not being forthcoming about what has happened.

That's what it all looks like to me.


Me: BH 56.........Her: WW 43
DD: 6..........DS: 4
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
RealityStinks
Member
Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

Thanks for the replies. I'm going to stick to my "line in the sand", and I will file for D at my deadline. I want to be able to look back one day and say that I did everything I could.

Whiteflower - yes, I'm sure he is divorced. He had another girlfriend (later 40's and beautiful, and age appropriate for him), but told me that he "got tired of her". I would have already called her if I thought (even just a little) that they were still together. All of this crap happened right under my nose (makes you want to vomit) so quite confident she's no longer part of the picture.


Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
Uhtred
Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

I hate this for you man. My wife is remorseful and sorry and all of the things she has done but I still want to vomit every time I think of it. Especially since she was 33 and the guy she was fucking was 54.

It really makes you question your self worth.
I guess I should be fortunate that she is trying to R.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 587 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
Razor
Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

To me it sounds like she is wanting to string you along. Maybe give you just enough that you will stop or slow down the D process. That way she can keep eating cake.

My WW continues to say and believe much the same things as your WW. I can tell you from personal experience that it is a tough road.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3418 | Registered: Sep 2007
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

"I'm not having that conversation again" even if I've never asked that particular question.

This ^^^^^ in my opinion proves you should keep going through with your plan. Hopefully she will come to her senses but in my opinion, she doesn't get it yet. By the way, I wish I had the strength and courage you are showing. I'm a bit jealous because this is what I wish I had done long ago.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 4871 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
RealityStinks
Member
Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

Uhtred - we are in the same boat my friend. My WW is 30 and the OM is 53. His birthday was in October (the internet is a wonderful tool if you know how to use it), and guess where my wife was long enough for a birthday screw? Yep, his house! I have a GPS record putting her phone at his house that night for about 2 hours. I am still getting "we were just friends". She's even tried to tell me that she left her phone at his house (it's been there ALOT), and that's why it was there that long. I'm like, why was the phone there to begin with? She didn't think that one through before she said it. I don't have any female friends that I lie about, much less go over to their house!

It drives me nuts that she won't just tell me the truth.

I'm still holding on to a glimmer of hope (fading fast though) that she will come around, and we can attempt to R. So, yes, I would be grateful if I were in your shoes with a wife that was willing to R.

I agree with the self-worth comment as well. As weird as it sounds, I think it might be just a little easier if the OM was closer to her age.


Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
SummerStorm21
Member
Member # 41320
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

WH did not tell me one thing or admit to anything that I did not discover myself. When he would only admit to one EA/almost PA, and insisted the other three EA's were "just friends," I gave him 7 days to come clean or not bother coming home from his business trip.

I got the truth, but I'm sure not all of it.

I did not get remorse.

Continue the course. At least you are moving forward albeit painfully.


BW

Posts: 112 | Registered: Nov 2013
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

The problem her her belief that you are essentially to blame; thats its your fault the marriage is in this state. As long as she has this mindset, which could be for the rest of her life, successful reconciliation is very unlikely.

She is also unlikely to meet your conditions for rebuilding the marriage as per your latest conversation. Might as well file for divorce - you're just wasting time.


Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

So, all of that to ask: Is that fact that I'm setting the process in motion (attorney, NC, separating finances, etc.) maybe breaking her fog a little?

I read nothing in what you wrote that indicated that there is any lifting fog. If anything, she seems to be going deeper into the mist.

I know that you hope for the best.....but this chick isn't giving you ANYTHING to hang your hat on.
Keep moving forward, Reality....

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 10:06 PM, December 5th (Thursday)]


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7870 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Dare2Trust
Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 12:09 AM, December 6th (Friday)

Double post

[This message edited by Dare2Trust at 12:11 AM, December 6th (Friday)]


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6113 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
Dare2Trust
Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 12:10 AM, December 6th (Friday)

Reality Stinks,

After reading your profile - it appears obvious that your WW is still up to her neck in this affair.

Of course she wants you to meet with HER DIVORCE ATTORNEY...It appears she does enjoy being in control.
Please allow your attorney to deal with your WW and her attorney.


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6113 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, December 6th (Friday)

Just read your profile and it is apparent that your WW is living in a warped fantasy land where she is convinced that you are responsible for all the marriage ills. Maybe the OM has fed her mind with enough supporting 'sympathy' to enable him to have sex with her.

The sooner you file for divorce the sooner your wife will have to face up to the reality of the mess she has created. Right now she doesn't have to do anything, since you haven't filed and you have stated that you are still willing to reconcile; she thinks you are paralyzed by indecision therefore she can afford to waffle.

She is fully aware that the OM will not commit to her and this is what what has placed her between a rock and a hard place. From her perspective if you will admit to your many faults and ask for another chance; dismiss her adultery as something she was forced into, confess you sent the marriage off the rails and you cannot live without her; she will willingly reconcile. Are you willing to do this?

Its a power struggle. She will rebuild your marriage if you will submit and admit you are ultimately responsible for this mess. You are waiting for her to beg for another chance and accept all of your rules. Miles apart; looks like you both will end up unhappy.


Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
RealityStinks
Member
Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, December 6th (Friday)

OK now - you are very insightful. It's almost like you are in her head!

Your comment: "She is fully aware that the OM will not commit to her and this is what what has placed her between a rock and a hard place. From her perspective if you will admit to your many faults and ask for another chance; dismiss her adultery as something she was forced into, confess you sent the marriage off the rails and you cannot live without her; she will willingly reconcile. Are you willing to do this?"

The above is spot on. I have no doubt that the above would work to get her back. Your question is what I'm struggling with. It is not my fault that she had the affair, and I will not take responsibility for it. I am not naive enough to think we had a perfect marriage and that an A is usually a sign that other problems exist. But, there is no excuse for her A. She can make her own choices.

One reason I'm waiting around right now is that I don't want to relieve any of her guilt. I want to make her file for D, or I want her to confess what seems very evident to me (and several others) and commit to R.

I am trying to do the right thing and honor the promises I made the day we got married: "for better for worse". This is definitely the "worse" end of that, but there has been a lot of the "better" too. But, there has to be a point in time where I face the music and move on with my life.


Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
7yrsflushed
Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, December 6th (Friday)

Excellent advice in this thread!

Its a power struggle. She will rebuild your marriage if you will submit and admit you are ultimately responsible for this mess. You are waiting for her to beg for another chance and accept all of your rules. Miles apart; looks like you both will end up unhappy.

I would just add that she will want to rugsweep the entire thing and never resolve her issues which means at some point you WILL have another DDay.

I want to make her file for D, or I want her to confess what seems very evident to me (and several others) and commit to R.
The problem with this is neither is likely to happen and it's a no win situation for YOU. No matter who files in your WW's mind it's your fault that the M ended. She isn't going to confess to anything because honestly she doesn't have too and you can't make her. When you have an unremorseful WS that is still in the A all not filing does is show them that you aren't really serious about making them choose by removing yourself from the equation. You gave her your conditions and she refuses to meet them. IMO you should go ahead and file and move on with your life. If she was truly remorseful it would be a different story but she's still in the A and still blameshifting and all the other things you mentioned. Go ahead and file and start your new life and be happy again.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 10:01 AM, December 6th (Friday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official any day now, off to check the mail again.

Posts: 1876 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Jesu
Member
Member # 36422
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, December 9th (Monday)

As weird as it sounds, I think it might be just a little easier if the OM was closer to her age.

It's not easier, trust me!


Me: BSO 39
Her: WSO 29
Together: 9 years
Married?: No
Children?: No
OM: A friend of a friend
DD#1: June 18th 2012
Many more DD after TT
PA#1: 1 week in Nov/Dec 2010, which led to a long distance EA
R: ?

Posts: 608 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Oz
Topic Posts: 18