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User Topic: Homeschooling Sahm duties...
Gottagetthrough
Member
Member # 27325
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

Say you are a SAHM and also homeschool.

Is it reasonable for your hubby to demand dinner on the table every night?

throw in the kids were in a Christmas Pageant tonight.... Is dinner still expected?

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 9:38 PM, December 5th (Thursday)]


Posts: 1332 | Registered: Jan 2010
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

How old is he?? Probably old enough to get his own food, no??

Posts: 11403 | Registered: Mar 2008
PricklePatch
Member
Member # 34041
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

I have homeschoolers, in the past and currently do. I think the issue in our home is budget. Then again, my Fwh has always pitched in. If you have a more traditional in my mind 1950s agreement then yes. In my house it is about the budget.


BS
Fwh
sorry post on my tablet

Posts: 279 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: pricklepatch
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

EVERY night? Hell no. Most nights? Yes.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9311 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
thisisterrible
Member
Member # 24727
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

I was a SAHM, (before my kids were old enough to go to school, although I hadn't plan to homeschool them anyway).

I took care of the kids and house all day; my STBXH worked out of the home all day. I considered having dinner ready to be part of my "job", along with doing the bills, the laundry, cleaning, etc.

If you never made dinner and you're a SAHM, I think your husband would be justified in getting annoyed. But if we're talking one night a week or so where you just couldn't get around to cooking, I think that's totally reasonable and expected. There's going to be times that dinner just doesn't get put on the table. Shit happens at a job where you're a SAHM just like shit happens at a job in a company, and somedays you just can't get everything done.

I'm pretty sure your husband can survive on a bowl of cereal - that he can pour himself - once in a while. And don't feel guilty - it's awesome that you're a SAHM and homeschooling! Your children are lucky!!

[This message edited by thisisterrible at 10:01 PM, December 5th (Thursday)]


Me:BS Him:WH Two young kids
Married 12yrs - together 20
A started 2/09 - S 7/09 - he filed for D 12/09
I wanted to R and he didn't. He never stopped seeing the MOW, who filed for D 11/09. They've since broke up...for now.

Posts: 543 | Registered: Jul 2009
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

I just wanted to say that I saw your original post before you edited it and I think he's being unreasonable.

Posts: 11403 | Registered: Mar 2008
scaredyKat
Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

Wait.

demand dinner

Last time I allowed anyone to DEMAND I do them a service they were 2 years old and I quickly taught them how to ask politely.

OK. So, sure, I see that someone who is home has a bit more opportunity to stick something in the oven while juggling kids, curriculum and THE WHOLE FRIGGING HOUSE RESPONSIBILITIES but Lord help us, any adult with half a brain and a set of eyes and ears on modern media has to know that a SAHP works DAMN HARD with little or no free time.

The partner who works outside the home can and should pitch in a fair amount to plan thee meals, and help with the preparation. He/she can do some of the work the night before and get a crockpot thing going.

But DEMAND? Hell no.


Me-BS-60-Can't tell you how painful it was to change this number!
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3281 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Gottagetthrough
Member
Member # 27325
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

I also pick out his clothes every day (if he plans to leave before im awake, he wakes me up to do this)

I made him lunch today... does that soften the blow of no dinner?

He totally degraded me infront of the kids.

What a d-bag, he is actually up now looking for the iphone charger. I said something shitty (you should have looked for that before 12 at night) and he said "Its easy for you, you don't have responsibilities"

And he topped that off with calleing me a worthless piece of shit


Posts: 1332 | Registered: Jan 2010
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 11:15 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

NO! That is absolutely unacceptable!!

What is WRONG with him?????


Posts: 11403 | Registered: Mar 2008
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

OK. I've cooled off a bit, now.

Is he taking his meds correctly?? Is he ALWAYS like this?? Because I'm here to tell you this is not normal, nor is it acceptable.

I personally know two people who were diagnosed as bi-polar (one is my sister) who continued with unacceptable behavior after diagnosis. Actually, there were three and they all ended up being NPD.


Posts: 11403 | Registered: Mar 2008
betrayedfriend
Member
Member # 19785
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

I'm a SAHM too, I don't homeschool, but my two yr old keeps me crazy busy all day. IMHO your h is acting entitled. No responsibilities?! I suggest that you immediately stop getting his clothes for him and I'm assuming you're doing his laundry too... That shit needs to stop, he's a big boy who can do for himself. If he gives you flack about it, you can always say that the things you've stopped doing for him will give you more time for dinner prep. But honestly my gut reaction is that he's rude and has no freaking clue how busy you are all day. Maybe you should go on strike for everything but yours and your kids' needs.


I originally joined SI as a way to help my best friends find ways of coping with infidelity, but now infidelity has touched my family much closer to home.

Posts: 858 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Midwest USA
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

And he topped that off with calling me a worthless piece of shit

Well, alrighty then. That man would NEVER eat another morsel of food that I cooked. EVER.

I also pick out his clothes every day...if he plans to leave before im awake, he wakes me up to do this

Again...
He is a *big boy* who is perfectly capable of dressing his own fucking self.

Gotta, your hubby is an abusive ass.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7706 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, December 5th (Thursday)

My EX treated me like that. I wish I'd had more courage to stand up to him & tell him to STFU when he got like that. I homeschooled three children, but he felt that equated to me doing absolutely nothing all day and wasting his money on food & utilities needlessly. I wish, oh I wish, I'd have kicked him in the balls at least once.

He was so abusive to me. Please, don't let your husband abuse you, too.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9311 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, December 5th (Thursday)


I used to run around making myself nuts trying to be the perfect woman for my H.

One night, I made him a WONDERFUL dinner and timed it just so it would be ready when he entered the house. Right on time, he called to say he was coming home. He worked about three minutes away.

...About half an hour later, I drove to his work to find him having a beer with co-workers. I talked to him, he didn't "get it", so I drove home and put this fabulous meal down the disposal.

He came home right behind me and was bombarded by the smell and totally confused as to WHY I threw it away.

He didn't respect me. He didn't deserve it.

I tell you, that was the LAST time he told me he was coming home when he wasn't. And it was the last time he took stuff like that for granted.

[This message edited by ThoughtIKnewYa at 11:54 PM, December 5th (Thursday)]


Posts: 11403 | Registered: Mar 2008
Gottagetthrough
Member
Member # 27325
Default  Posted: 12:11 AM, December 6th (Friday)


growing up his mom did EVERYTHING for him. His entitlement, he grew up with that.

he grew up expecting this stuff. His family lived with the normal nuclear family, plus grandma, great grandma and aunt. Dinner was always on the table, because there were 4 SAHMs in the house!



Posts: 1332 | Registered: Jan 2010
Gottagetthrough
Member
Member # 27325
Default  Posted: 12:14 AM, December 6th (Friday)

and the deal is, he has a huge project going in at work tomorrow. After that's over, he will apologize and say how much I do, blah blah

at thanksgiving my family said he clings to me and its like I have another child

I do believe he is taking his meds correctly, and I would not be surprised if he is NPD


Posts: 1332 | Registered: Jan 2010
Mama_of_3_Kids
Member
Member # 26651
Default  Posted: 5:59 AM, December 6th (Friday)

When I was a SAHM, Do3K NEVER demanded dinner at any time. He knew I worked just as hard as him, during the day, and was quite patient if supper wasn't ready when he got home. Had he ever DEMANDED it, it would have gone over like a lead balloon


Me: FBW/30 Him: FWH/33 The kidlets: DS13, DS10, and DD8 The hounds: Four Shih Tzu's
Finally, completely R'd
Clothed in strength and dignity, with nothing to fear, she smiles when she thinks about the future.~Proverbs 31:25

Posts: 11539 | Registered: Dec 2009
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, December 6th (Friday)

Homeschooling SAHM here.

Is it reasonable for your hubby to demand dinner on the table every night?
Nope. Not in the least. Crap happens, kids get sick, you get exhausted, doctor appointments go long, you get stuck in traffic while running from soccer to ballet.

Demand? Pshhh, he can starve or fix it himself.

I also pick out his clothes every day
What is he, 3? Can he not figure out that the pink and purple plaid doesn't go with the orange polka dots?

He totally degraded me infront of the kids.
Punishable by maiming and/or dismemberment.

"Its easy for you, you don't have responsibilities"
How did you not kill him on the spot? Gawd that line chaps my hide. Cause ya know, we totally sit on the couch all day long watching soaps and eating bonbons.

And he topped that off with calleing me a worthless piece of shit
Freeeeedoooommmm! That line right there absolves you from doing anything ever again for that jerk. If you're worthless, he sure doesn't want you touching his food, clothes, and chargers riiiight? You might contaminate them. Better to err on the side of caution and leave him to fend for himself from this point on.

I have another child
That's my dad. Mother does everythinggggg for him. Oh you want breakfast? Ok. Oh you need your shoes? Ok. Oh you need me work on those reports for management that you were supposed to do 3 weeks ago? Ok. (NOT kidding! SHE does all his paperwork. He would have been FIRED had she not been his slave, doing his paperwork for free) Oh you want dinner? Ok. I'll also plate it and serve it to you while you sit on the couch playing on your ipad. Oh you want coffee? Sure. What? A special dessert right now? Ok, I'll run to the store, get the ingredients, and make it at 7 at night. You can't find the hammer you used last night? You left it on the table didn't you? No? Ok, I'll go search for it while I also make your special dessert, while you sit on the couch playing with your ipad.

I kid you not. I exaggerate not. Every. Single. Day.

Look, life gets stressful and we all loose our cool. Shoot, noone's perfect. But he has absolutely ZERO right to abuse you. There are other outlets for stress without making our families feel like utter trash.

(((Gotta)))


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6065 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Gottagetthrough
Member
Member # 27325
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, December 6th (Friday)

Oh you want dinner? Ok. I'll also plate it and serve it to you while you sit on the couch playing on your ipad.

Do this ALL THE TIME


Posts: 1332 | Registered: Jan 2010
Lostandpregnant
Member
Member # 41433
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, December 6th (Friday)

Mine fully expected a clean house, clean laundry (no laundry build up), dinner and meals done, his coffee ready for him in the AM, etc, on top of me having a toddler, an autistic child, and 3 other neurotypical children, and homeschooling.


He left me 18 weeks pregnant with twins for another.I am a Licensed Private Investigator..it even happens to us.

Posts: 354 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Canada
little turtle
Member
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, December 6th (Friday)

Not reasonable. Don't let him treat you like this.


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4131 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
Kalleigh
Member
Member # 1214
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, December 6th (Friday)

(and he said "Its easy for you, you don't have responsibilities"

And he topped that off with calleing me a worthless piece of shit)

IF my husband would say something like this to me SAHM or not, I would say get your own DAM supper. I am your wife NOT your mother. AND i have a life

OH I would be fuming!!!!!

so sorry he does this


I love my husband and kids, but there is something missing, LIKE MAYBE A LIFE!!!!!!!

Posts: 6500 | Registered: Mar 2003 | From: Wisconsin
Newlease
Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, December 6th (Friday)

I guess my view is different. I'm older (53) and when I was a SAHM, I ran a daycare out of the house. I had 6 little ones from 6:30 in the morning until 6:00 in the evening.

I kept a schedule. Everyone had to have quiet time every afternoon (nap). I did the lunch dishes during that time. At 5:00, everyone helped pick up toys and tidy the house and I started supper. I did laundry during the day while the kids were playing and hung it outside to dry whenever the weather cooperated. (The kids came outside with me to play.)

Now granted I didn't home school them, but we did have reading time and craft time every day.

My XWH never DEMANDED I do any of that but I saw it as my "job." He let me sleep in every weekend while he spent time with the boys. But I did the majority of the housework and parenting and considered myself lucky to be able to spend that time at home with my sons.

My DIL is a SAHM with 2 in school and a 4 year old at home all day. Her house is always a mess - not just clutter, but DIRTY. My son comes home after a 10 hour work day and fixes supper because the kids are hungry and asking for something to eat. DIL is not a morning person and at least 2x last school year the kids were late getting to school because she overslept.

I know there is a happy medium between these two scenarios.

I would not put up with abuse from my husband - and in your situation - this sounds like abuse.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7645 | Registered: Aug 2005
Pentup
Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, December 6th (Friday)

The "worthless piece of shit" comment. for you.

He needs to apologize sincerely, you need to determine what the consequence will be if it happens again.

Dinner, I work full time but still cook dinner every night. But on the nights when I don't feel like cooking, or am tied up with work, my h is capable of feeding himself a sandwich or some leftovers.

You know in your heart this is not acceptable. When he gets through this project, time to have a "come to Jesus" talk about expectations.

I would also strongly suggest you start finding some ways to put $$ aside for yourself, if you feel financially dependent in a relationship where you are devalued, it becomes difficult to draw those much needed boundaries.

((Gotta))


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6437 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
IRN2006
Member
Member # 23717
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, December 6th (Friday)

Only you and your H can determine how labor is divided in your family. What works for your family may not work for others.

For our family, I do find it to be a reasonable expectation that DH cooks daily. I'm often not home for dinner. I work 6-7 days a week, for anywhere between 60-65 hours. He works 20 hours a week. I also expect my husband to do the laundry and the grocery shopping.

The name calling/verbal abuse is completely unacceptable, though.


Posts: 1295 | Registered: Apr 2009
Whalers11
Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, December 6th (Friday)

I was the one that went off to work every day, while my SO was home/worked significantly less than me.

I expected something to be prepared for dinner every night, unless we had agreed upon something else (going out to eat, me picking up take out on my way home...)

It didn't have to be an elaborate meal - could have been as simple as a grilled cheese and some chips. But it was important to me that if I was going to spend 40+ hours a week working to financially support us, that my SO would find other ways to contribute by managing the home.


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2179 | Registered: Feb 2010
Topic Posts: 26