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Reconciliation
User Topic: I've come to an understanding that has helped me so much
watersofavalon
Member
Member # 37984
Default  Posted: 6:05 AM, December 6th (Friday)

H is remorseful. He has done what I asked him to. He has tried again and again to reassure me that he loves me and can't be without me. But.....I was still so insecure. Nothing he could do or say would fill that void. I was constantly watching him and wondering what that look meant, the smile meant, why did he laugh, what is he thinking, what does he think of me, does he think of her.... I was never satisified for long because something would always happen to start me worrying again. So unhealthy, pointless and exhausting!

He didn't make me insecure, I always have been a little, he just gave me an excuse to allow my insecurities full rein. He can't fix that. All he can do is to provide me a safe place to fix it myself. He has done that. The rest is up to me.

SO I JUST STOPPED! I stopped looking to him for reassurance. I have started to look to myself, my own abilities, my own qualities, for happiness and security. Whether I love myself, that is what really matters.I am worthy of loving so why wouldn't he love me? If he doesn't it is HIS loss not mine.

It's like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I can stand up straight and look ahead.

(Title was meant to read 'I have come to an understanding!!)

[This message edited by watersofavalon at 6:06 AM, December 6th (Friday)]


Me - BW 48
H - 51
T 30 years
M 20 years

3 children from 10 to 16.

EA with coworker for 6m maybe longer. She was 25!!
Dday 26/6/2012.

Reconciling. Hard work isn't it?


Posts: 58 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: UK
TheAmazingWondertwin
Member
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, December 6th (Friday)

Huge. Awesome. Congratulations.

I am happy for you.

It's a good feeling, yes?


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 470 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
watersofavalon
Member
Member # 37984
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, December 6th (Friday)

It's amazing!! I keep smiling at random people and singing to myself.


Me - BW 48
H - 51
T 30 years
M 20 years

3 children from 10 to 16.

EA with coworker for 6m maybe longer. She was 25!!
Dday 26/6/2012.

Reconciling. Hard work isn't it?


Posts: 58 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: UK
eachdayisvictory
Member
Member # 40462
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, December 6th (Friday)

Thanks for posting this, I needed the reminder.

It's amazing to see that when we turn our attention to ourselves, the result is often a sounder, more respectful interaction with our spouse. We do need to be working on ourselves, but the WS needs to be understanding and supportive of us when we are acting looney or feeling unable to change our focus.

It's the least they can do.


me, BW: 33
FWH: 34
Dday: feb 11, 2013
Dday #2: may 6, 2013
LT PA and EA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 2 and 5
Reconciling

Posts: 339 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nova Scotia, Canada
Tresemme
Member
Member # 31185
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, December 9th (Monday)

this is something i needed to hear...thanku ... im happy you shared this and your post is spot on ..i bookmarked this and need to read this often...


(Me)Bw late 30s
5/1/10 The day I learned Lucifer roams the earth among us wearing many disguises.( Double Betrayal wh and the live in nanny) Status-LimboLand

Posts: 431 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Florida
morethantrying
Member
Member # 40547
Default  Posted: 12:41 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

great post! Yes, we BS need to recover ourselves, worth and love. Great inspiration there!


Affairs - hard on us both - but love will win.
Me: BS 54
Him: WS 61
Married 31 yrs.
dday TT from 12/2012-2/2013)...

Posts: 232 | Registered: Sep 2013
Flatlined123
Member
Member # 35862
Default  Posted: 4:58 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

Thanks. This is a great reminder for me.

I could have written the top part of your post. I think I'll have to give the bottom part a try.


Me: BS 43
H : WS 46
DD #1 7-11-08
DD#2 8-21-09 same OW, A never ended.
Started R in 9-09, but I didn't feelTRUE R started until 12-09 when the fog really lifted due to a medical condition with me.
Every day gets a little better.

Posts: 584 | Registered: Jun 2012
watersofavalon
Member
Member # 37984
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

Thanks for all your replies.

One amazing thing that has come about as a result (I think) of this is H has been more spontaneously physically affectionate. He is doing things like stroking my hair as he walks past, rubbing my feet when we sit on the sofa, little non-sexual things that make me feel safe and loved. He was walking on eggshells for so long I think he was wary of approaching me, I think that now he has sensed I have relaxed and let go of the fear.


Me - BW 48
H - 51
T 30 years
M 20 years

3 children from 10 to 16.

EA with coworker for 6m maybe longer. She was 25!!
Dday 26/6/2012.

Reconciling. Hard work isn't it?


Posts: 58 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: UK
KatieG
Member
Member # 41222
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

Excellent waters, I love this and you have really helped me so thank you.


DD#1 - 6th Oct 13 - TT
DD#2 - 9th Nov 13 - Full disclosure
7 week A, 2 weeks together, rest phone and email - PA and EA
NC with OW since 11th Nov 13.

Posts: 215 | Registered: Nov 2013
Topic Posts: 9