New Beginnings
User Topic: I'm in shock
Member # 32306
Default  Posted: 6:14 AM, December 6th (Friday)

Divorce was finalized in May. Life had been taking shape in a good way. Still issues with xwh and his controlling ways and my job hunt, but the rest of my life was happy.I was happy.

Wednesday morning, xwh asked to come by for a talk. My mind raced as to what he wanted to discuss....was he marrying OW? Breaking up with her? Something related to his business? Taking me back to court for a different schedule with the kids? I wasn't sure, but I knew I could handle it. After all, I've come this far, right?

Xwh gave me the one piece of news I never expected....he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and prognosis to only having 12-18 months to live!! :'( I never hated xwh, through all of our almost 3 year mess. I had forgiven him and accepted that I would always love the part of him that lived on in our children. So, this was a huge blow! We talked and cried for over an hour. He may marry OW, just because she said she'd stay with him and be there for him until the end.

I'm still struggling with it all. He's no longer "mine" so, although I'll be there with the kids as much as he wants us, I'm not "going through" this with him. Yet, I'm still mourning. This is tragic for our children who aren't old enough to be without their Dad. And, selfish as it sounds, what about me? It's all going to be up to me to raise our children and not let this tragedy have a negative effect on them. I can falter and I can't let anything happen to me or they will have nobody! My family is not close by and we're not that close. For the first time, I feel "alone". I have friends, but that's not the same as having someone you can call to "back you up" in the case of an emergency.

Prayers for my xwh are welcome.

Me BW: 46
Him WH: 48
DD: 5-20-11
M: 14 yrs. Together 15 yrs.
Children: (4) ages 14 and younger.
Divorced: 5/24/13
**my apologies for the typos... I login off my tablet and the "smart" type isn't always so smart.

Posts: 266 | Registered: May 2011 | From: movingfast
Member # 9344
Default  Posted: 6:38 AM, December 6th (Friday)

Pancreatic cancer is absolutely devastating and deadly. One of my best friends passed away last year from this horrible disease. He was only 41 and left behind a little boy. Just awful.

My advice would be to get your children (and yourself) into counseling as soon as possible. If you have a Gilda's Club in your area, that is a wonderful resource for children and families to share their struggles with others who have a family member with cancer. It's especially important for children to know they are not alone and that other kids face this too.

I am so very sorry. Prayers for you, your sweet children and your exH.

(((Movingfast and family)))

She packed up her potential and all she had learned and headed out to change a few things.

Posts: 7605 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Poolside
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, December 6th (Friday)


No words, just hugs.

me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings

Posts: 4186 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, December 6th (Friday)

you and yours will be in my thoughts and prayers.

(((Movingfast and family)))

BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2993 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Member # 33735
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, December 6th (Friday)

I'm so sorry movingfast. Sending you strength to navigate through this emotional time...(((hugs)))

M -25 years, T - 31 years, 4 children
Dday October 8, 2011 - Multiple PAs and ONs
Divorced 1-8-13
"When you give a lot of importance to someone in your life, you lose your importance in their life."

Posts: 952 | Registered: Oct 2011
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, December 6th (Friday)

My thoughts and prayers for you and your family.

D final 8/2012

Posts: 4000 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Member # 11089
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, December 6th (Friday)

Sending you prayers...So sad:-(

3 beautiful boys (20,19 & 15)
Update: Moved in to my own apartment 8/7/2012
Divorce final 3/27/2013

Posts: 1096 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Pennsylvania
Member # 26367
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, December 6th (Friday)

((((((movingfast and family)))))))

Me: BW (55)
Him: WH (62)
7/14/11 - Divorced

Posts: 1874 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: another world
Helen of Troy
Member # 26419
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, December 6th (Friday)

Forgive me, I don't mean to seem insensitive but have you verified his story?
I've seen things play out here and don't trust wss' words.

Posts: 4715 | Registered: Dec 2009
Member # 21634
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, December 6th (Friday)

I will pray for you, your children and your exH. I am so sorry to hear of this awful news. Stay strong!

BS - ME 43
WH 44
Married 20 years
DDay #1 12/28/07
DDay #2 9/18/08
DDay #3 12/28/08
Dday #4 11/18/10 (same OW)
Dday #5 8/22/12 (same OW)
2 beautiful daughters
"Love grows where it is nurtured and dies where it is not!"

Posts: 841 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: NJ
little turtle
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, December 6th (Friday)


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4209 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, December 6th (Friday)


Posts: 1272 | Registered: Feb 2010
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, December 6th (Friday)

((((movingfast & kids)))) Keeping you all in my thoughts.

You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana

Posts: 25765 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, December 6th (Friday)

I would be sure that you verify that this story is actually true. Too many times, WS's have been dying of cancer....when they really haven't been.

I'm always expecting my XWH to come at me with this one when he has used up all his other lines of ego boosts.

D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.

Posts: 3415 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Exit Wounds
Member # 32811
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, December 6th (Friday)

Hugs and more hugs

Posts: 2486 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: With my dad...and my dog...
Member # 32306
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, December 6th (Friday)

Thank you for all the hugs, prayers and support. Also thank you for the mention of counseling. I hadn't even thought that far yet.

Just because news travels fast in a small town, we'll probably tell the kids this weekend so they don't overhear it from someone else. Aside from the devastation of having to tell our children such news, this will take place at ow's house (where xwh lives) with xwh, ow and myself. I have not even spoken ow's name since I found out about the A and we certainly haven't even talked or exchanged eye contact. We've been in the same room, but that room was a gymnasium. You get the picture. In addition to everything else that is going on emotionally right now, dealing with ow is not something I want to be doing. But, she's vowed to stay with xwh through this (what else would she do? Kick him out?) so dealing with her is something else I'll have to adjust to.

As far as those questioning the validity of the story...there is no question. He's getting the chemo port put in next week. Even without that, despite the fact lying is the very basis of having an A, xwh is not one to lie. He also would never put our children through this if it wasn't true. xwh has many faults and hurt me in multiple ways, however, I can honestly say, the only 4 people on this earth that he truly loves are our 4 children. Beyond them, he really does not understand love, never has. Blame it on his personality, his upbringing, whatever, but he just doesn't understand or love. Or at least he didn't until we had children. He would gladly lay down his life for them and is highly concerned how the kids and I are going to fare once he's gone...financially, emotionally, all of it. He's doing what he can to ensure we'll be okay.

Me BW: 46
Him WH: 48
DD: 5-20-11
M: 14 yrs. Together 15 yrs.
Children: (4) ages 14 and younger.
Divorced: 5/24/13
**my apologies for the typos... I login off my tablet and the "smart" type isn't always so smart.

Posts: 266 | Registered: May 2011 | From: movingfast
Member # 9772
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, December 6th (Friday)

First off, I'm sorry that you and your family are going through this.

I would be concerned about him marrying the OW. If he dies after marrying her will she be entitled to money that would've gone to your kids?

"Put the cuckoo back in the clock baby" - Four Brothers

Posts: 873 | Registered: Feb 2006
sinsof thefather
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, December 7th (Saturday)

Why does the OW have to be there when you tell your children? Wouldn't it be best if this was done in their own house with only their parents there for such devastating news?

...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1882 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
Member # 32306
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, December 7th (Saturday)

I wish I had a good reason why of had to be there and not thing them in my home (the kids home). I think xwh is making a "statement" by having of there. Like its do amazing she's going to go through this with him? I'm not sure, because I know once xwh passes, she won't be part of the kids lives. As far as the location, xwh said he didn't want to tell the kids and leave. He wanted to have that time after to be with them. I'm torn on that because they are used to coming to me for comfort. For big news like that, all the kids would camp out on my bedroom to reinforce we are family. They can't do that there, because of the sleeping arrangements (ie xwh and on sleeping in the same bed).

It's only the beginning if things I'm sure I won't agree with him on. But, he's the one dieing. I can't tell him how to do it. I can't even imagine what he's going through.

Me BW: 46
Him WH: 48
DD: 5-20-11
M: 14 yrs. Together 15 yrs.
Children: (4) ages 14 and younger.
Divorced: 5/24/13
**my apologies for the typos... I login off my tablet and the "smart" type isn't always so smart.

Posts: 266 | Registered: May 2011 | From: movingfast
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, December 7th (Saturday)


I am so sorry for what you and your darling kids are going through. Sorry too for your XWH.

If I may be presumptuous though, you are allowed to still have boundaries. Keeping them is not disrespectful to him or short changing him in anyway. Sometimes they can be necessary to prevent resentment once a person has passed. Having them does not mean you cared less or supported less, it means you are being true to you and doing what is best for your children in the long run.

((movingfast and kids))

Me: Awesome - 35.... ummm, not anymore

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou

Posts: 752 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
Member # 32948
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, December 7th (Saturday)

First I am so sorry that this is happening.

Is there any way that this discussion can take place in a counselor's office so the kids have a counselor on hand and it is neutral territory? Then you all can go back to the kids home and he can sit with them in a room and share time/info with them as needed. It would put everyone in a safe and comfortable place to hear this information, leave OW out of the mix, and allow a counselor to guide things for the kids.

The kids need to feel safe more than OW needs to be there. This is their dad who they are going to lose, she is an after thought. They do not need to have her as part of this discussion and it may just stop them from feeling comfortable enough to talk about how they feel. Please suggest to your ex something like this so he understands that the kids need to be in a place of safety and comfort when they hear that daddy is dying.

My heart goes out to your kids.

DDay 10/16/2010 DDay2 5/22/2011
Divorced 8/23/2012
I will get stronger and better but no matter where he goes, there he is....

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Texas
Member # 14918
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, December 7th (Saturday)

I agree with Soverybetrayed. You and he only should be there since this is about your children and helping them transition. If she wants therapy time, let her schedule her own on her dime. Those kids need only to be surrounded by the two people who brought them into this world. I fail to see her need to be part of this discussion or to be present at all.
Very sorry for you and the kids.

Just HOW stupid do you think I am, exactly?

Posts: 1203 | Registered: Jun 2007
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 12:00 AM, December 8th (Sunday)

Movingfast, I am so sorry for you and your children. This will be beyond tough. I am a little shocked at myself for thinking this but I think your ex's plan may be best. I feel that it would be hard down the road for the kids to be reminded of the exact spot where Dad sat when he told them the news. For the rest of their lives they would live in that house and see that spot.

I also agree with you that he is the one who is dying, all you can do is support him in his final months. Whether right or wrong, this is all the time he has left, he needs to have a say in how the time goes. ((((HUGS))))

Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1778 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
Member # 40277
Default  Posted: 12:10 AM, December 8th (Sunday)

Saying a prayer for you, xh, and the kids. Sending you a hug as well.

Me BS:35
Him WS:36
Kids 10 and 3
Embracing the furture. I know that I will be great no matter what the future brings.

Posts: 128 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Chicago
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, December 8th (Sunday)

What sad news. I think you are incredibly strong and kind to allow him to have ow there during this. Wow.

I know you are making the best choices for your kids. Sending hugs.

divorced the Dooosh
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.

Posts: 3612 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
Member # 32306
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, December 8th (Sunday)

Thank you again for your thoughts and support.

I had another friend bing up the point you did, IrishLass518. Maybe it will be best to hear the news somewhere other than their home. It would be difficult to curl up in their favorite chair if it was a constant reminder of hearing the news their Daddy is dying. Although counselors may be in our future, I also don't think that is the right setting for the news. I want them to feel free to react however they will react and be there to comfort them.

As far as ow being there, it's the emotional state championship us in. He's afraid of dying alone (aren't we all?) and since she said she'd be there with him, he's clinging to that. I think he wants her to feel part of everything so she doesn't change her mind? Personally, since I knew her before/during the A, I think he's putting his trust in the wrong person. She's not strong and she's not stable and she doesn't deal well with those responsibilities being put upon her. But, it's his choice. I think he knows, deep down, that I always will be there for him and he's relying heavily on that, especially when it comes to the kids, but based on our couple conversations, I think he's counting I me to get there in the end and to handle funeral arrangements. It's weird. I don't carry animosity or resentment towards him. I've forgiven the A and I've even forgiven him for leaving us, because he's even come close to admitting, he had it all and he gave it up. He's lost a lot through his A and our divorce.

So, anyway, having ow there is his way of not alienating her in any of this. I'm getting more okay with it. I know when this is over, she will be out of my life for good. I know my children see her as a "fixture" and not significant. She could disappear tomorrow and they wouldn't blink. In actuality, I think she'll be more uncomfortable in the situation than she thinks.

We didn't end up telling the kids over the weekend as planned. Xh just couldn't find the words. I think he's scared, understandably. I don't agree with delaying telling them. We live in a small town and my fear is the kids will hear it from a friend who overheard their parents talking. But, as I told him, this is his life, so I will try to follow his lead.

Me BW: 46
Him WH: 48
DD: 5-20-11
M: 14 yrs. Together 15 yrs.
Children: (4) ages 14 and younger.
Divorced: 5/24/13
**my apologies for the typos... I login off my tablet and the "smart" type isn't always so smart.

Posts: 266 | Registered: May 2011 | From: movingfast
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, December 8th (Sunday)

You need to talk to him about setting up the kids financially, getting any of his family heirlooms, etc. it needs to be iron clad, especially if he marries OW.

Posts: 5473 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
Member # 41268
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

I am so very sorry for your children.

As for him and OW all I can say is - karma.

Posts: 109 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: AL
Topic Posts: 28