User Topic: Make it after multiple affairs?
Member # 28820
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, December 6th (Friday)

My husband wants R but there have now been multiple affairs.

I am ready to walk out, getting my ducks in a row. My new apartment is ready, but I told him he can continue to try as I don't want to stay but I don't want to lie… right now I don't want to stay but i don't want to go.

Dd1: April 2010 Dd2: Oct 2013
Will never tell anyone to try to work it out with a cheater...

Posts: 152 | Registered: Jun 2010
Member # 28820
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, December 6th (Friday)

And, my question was, do people REALLY make it after multiple affairs?

what does it take?

Dd1: April 2010 Dd2: Oct 2013
Will never tell anyone to try to work it out with a cheater...

Posts: 152 | Registered: Jun 2010
Member # 26912
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, December 6th (Friday)

Some people may be able to do it but there is no way in hell I would... I would rather live without him than to live with the anxiety and constant worry of him doing it again, and again and again. You deserve so much more than this....


DIVORCED! Remarried to a real man!
BW (me) - 41 (now 46)
WH (him) - 43 (now 48)
OW - 23 yr old foreign gold digging whore looking for her American meal ticket
1 14 yr old son (now 19)
married 20 years/together 25 years
D day - 9/23/2009 5pm

Posts: 802 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Mid Atlantic coast
Member # 24719
Frustrated  Posted: 1:03 PM, December 6th (Friday)

I hope so. I do know this is his last shot. The third time will be the charm. My grandma chased my grandpa for years... To the detriment of her children. That will not be me.

Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, December 6th (Friday)

my question was, do people REALLY make it after multiple affairs?

I do not have to deal with this. Luckily (??). But my feeling is not for number of A's but for DDays. I think DDay is the day that remorseful spouses start waking up. Start coming out of the fog and realizing what they've done. If you have multiple A's, but only one DDay, I would lump them all in together.. Multiple DDays are another story.

D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1083 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, December 6th (Friday)

I think it depends on what state of mind the WS is. Remorseful? Transparent? Ready to work on the marriage and not live in fantasyland. If the BS is willing to try? My FWS had multiples all close together. The stage of life you are in. Now I have no small children I would not take a DDday. I would pack him up and send him on his way. Anything is possible just matters if the WS and BS are ready for 5 years of repair work on the marriage.

There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Member # 28820
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, December 9th (Monday)

Wow! So much insight. Thank you, all!

I wish it were clear what I wanted.

Dd1: April 2010 Dd2: Oct 2013
Will never tell anyone to try to work it out with a cheater...

Posts: 152 | Registered: Jun 2010
Member # 41401
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, December 9th (Monday)

I''m with steadfast...I hope so but this is it...and only time will tell.

Me 47
WS 41
M=16 years

Posts: 130 | Registered: Nov 2013
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, December 9th (Monday)

I'm not sure what I am going through would constitute as multiple affairs. I do consider my WS a serial cheater, however. He cheated on his ex-wife, I thought only once (PA all but sex) but recently found out he basically had an EA near the end of their marriage as well. He was "talking to someone else" (basically an EA but we weren't yet married) shortly after we started dating and an EA (overly flirtatious and some sexting) with a co-worker before we were even married a year.

Will we make it? I don't really know but I do know if he doesn't work on his FOO issues or change whatever factor there is that causes him to stray it will happen again!

Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, December 9th (Monday)

I agree with heforgotme, my H had multiple affairs but only one DD. If he ever has another it will be whole different story. He is very remorseful and transparent etc. He's a different man in so many (good) ways. The number of affairs hurts me of course but it's not the same (to me) as if there had been numerous DDays.

Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 943 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
Member # 23547
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, December 9th (Monday)

Yes, there is hope.

My H had multiple affairs and they were revealed over 3 D-Days all within the same week. Lots of affairs. Several long term, one was 5+ years. I still don't have an exact number and 4.5 years later it doesn't matter.

What does it take? It takes a serial offender truly committed to changing and creating/maintaining boundaries. It takes a BS willing to end it vs rug sweep for one second. It takes both parties accepting that it will take years to be OK.

Don't rush into R. Take your time.

FBS, been through the D marathon too.
Many D Days in April 2009
Multiple affairs, LTAs, and many OWs
Reconciled... There is hope! :)

Posts: 532 | Registered: Apr 2009
Topic Posts: 11