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Just Found Out
User Topic: I just found out
Brokenhearted99
New Member
Member # 41564
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, December 7th (Saturday)

This is my 2nd marriage. First marriage, 5 years back in the early to mid 90s. First wife, left me for another man. When he didn't live up to his end of their bargain, my ex ended it.

Looking back at that time, I see things today, I saw during that time in my life. The 1,000 yard glazed eye stare. Irrational, hurtful comments, change in grooming, appearance and dress.

My current marriage... 13 years. We've been together for 14 years. Over my life with her, I've had periods when I suspected things but I never had a smoking gun. She demonstrated many of the things my first wife did and what she has been showing me over the last 90 days.

Walks around the house with her phone plastered to her. Tolerates men flirting with her on social networks at my expense. Change in dress. Shut me out physically...over the last 4 months I think she has responded to me 4 times. It's clearly painful for her to hug me, kiss me, or look into my eyes. I have asked her, "Who is pulling your heart strings?"

She has insisted, "No one."

I've been severely depressed for over a year. The economy has been hard and I've lost my career. We've experienced one setback after another starting in summer 2012. In November, this came to a head. She insited she wanted a divorce, told me she didn't want to risk another year of her life with me, I was a mistake, not her type, she deserved better etc...

She told me a couple of weeks ago to make other life plans without her and where would I live at? We have 3 kids, all young. During this discussion she described a future world where her future relationships would be tolerant of me and if the future wonderous man couldn't accept my active role in my children's life...she wouldn't allow him in her life. My life is crumbling in front of her and in the same breath tells me about future relationships. I asked her again, "Who is pulling your heart strings?"

She continued to maintain her innocence.

Over Thanksgiving she took the kids to her moms house and left me alone. She never called, (other than to tell me she arrived safely) I never heard from my kids and spent the day alone.

We were planning on moving here at the first of the year and get seperate addresses in a community an hour away. Suddenly, she got a promotion at work and offered a slight pay raise, not life changing. She suddenly, expressed a desire to not move and she would "try" to work on things but wouldn't promise me anything.

Tuesday, it was her company Christmas Party and she got stumbling intoxicated. I left the party and sat in the truck beccuse I couldn't take watching her. She was mad at me and told her coworkers I ditched her, when all she had to do was call or step outside and see I was outside waiting for her.

We got home and she could barely stand. The babysitter, (friend of the family was offended) the kids were upset at her appearance. I went to tuck the kids in bed. Before that, while they weren't around, i approached her about spending time together intimately. It's been months... she refused. When I get into our bedroom, she is only dressed in a pair of undergarments and nothing else. I was optimistic! She still refused. Passed out drunk.

The next morning, I went throug her phone....OMG
While I was tucking our sons into bed across the hall, while she was in our bed with nothing on..(barely) she was drunk messaging the joys of drunk sex to another married man and how badly she wanted it...

I discovered she was having an emotional affair with two seperate men. Over Thanksgiving she never texted, called or messsaged me..but had time for her boyfriends.

She has since, removed, blocked the two men. Says that is the extent of her misguided behaviour. Appologized to me. She says, she wants to work on our marriage.

But, i can't shake this feeling...there's much more to this story. She continues to hide herself from me. She uses the excuse she is out of birth control and can't get into the doctor for the life of her to get a prescription or annual.

I feel like to go from, "I have never crossed the line before to...in our bed, no clothes on, drunk messaging another man about the pleasure of sex, while I am tucking her children in bed across the hall" is ominous and a serious red flag...


Posts: 25 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
Lostandpregnant
Member
Member # 41433
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, December 7th (Saturday)

Trust your gut.
Why is she saying now she wants to fix it if she'd already said she doesn't??
Read everything in the healing library on here, read posts, read read read.

I'm sorry you're here, but glad you found this place.


He left me 18 weeks pregnant with twins for another.I am a Licensed Private Investigator..it even happens to us.

Posts: 354 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Canada
HurtNewlywed
New Member
Member # 41523
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, December 7th (Saturday)

I have no advice to offer you. I am a little over a week from discovering my husband's online affair. But I wanted to tell you that you have come to the right place. Someone recommended reading the following two threads to me. I found them to be very helpful:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=235051

and

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=446349

Perhaps even more importantly, make sure you eat and drink plenty of water. Good luck.


Me: 32
Him: 36
Married for 3.5 months
D-day: 11/27/13
Status: I'm undecided. He wants to reconcile.

Posts: 24 | Registered: Dec 2013
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, December 7th (Saturday)

Brokenhearted and others....I found out last year at this exact time so I just wanted to say to keep reading as much as you can, post here, eat well, drink water to stay hydrated. If you have a good friend or two, call on them. It is hellish in the beginning but you have found a good and safe place in SI.

LA


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2577 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Brokenhearted99
New Member
Member # 41564
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, December 7th (Saturday)

At the first of the month, she wanted to move and start a new life without me. We currently live in a community where there is little social network for her and our kids.

This move, was back to a community we knew people.

The promotion at work, was the causing factor to stay here.

Over the last 4 months, I have known with a degree of certainty 99.99% of where she has spent her days. There is one day, where she left the area to work 1 day as a substitute teacher (before taking the job where she was offered a new positon, that job started the end of Sept). Over September she worked a total of 2 days for a school board.

I know on F/B she posted pics of that day of her in school. The 2nd day, there are only grandiose texts to me about arriving safely, the "glorious" sunrise on her way into work etc. Totally out of character for her to be nice to me. She went to mom's house with the kids, called to say she got there...so, flowery texts on this one particular day is...odd.

In October, I looked for a direct deposit for 2 shifts, and I never, ever saw it. I asked her about it and she said, "The child support took it." I raised my stepdaughter and bore the lion share of her financial needs from the time she was 3 until last year, when she decided her father could do better than me and moved out. She turns 18 this spring. (It's interesting my wife, is going down this road, now that she is grown up). My stepdaughter's father wants support, we went to court in September and he got an award for a small amount of support until next summer.

So, I asked her, "Where is this second shift at?" You earn, after taxes $59.00 per shift. You should have been paid, $120.00 aprox. The consent order came the end of October.

When she told me this...I brushed it off. Finally, the day before the discovery of the online drunk sex is wondeful and I want it with you messages, I want to my bank and asked for a print out of all of my direct deposits from this school system. Sure enough, 1 deposit.

She says, she will show me the pay stub that shows they took 50 percent of her pay for support on that 1 check. It's just, very, very odd that her exact bring home pay is for exactly 1 shift.

12 hours before discovery and 10 minutes after the last known contact, I asked her, "Is there anyone, influencing you?" She said, "NO"... I've seen her poker face. She inisists when she worked all days in question.

I know the man she was sending messages to that night is deployed out of country. I also know the other man is out of state on the other side of the country.

I have given her numerous times to come clean with everything. This is her story and she is sticking to it. My friends in the loop tell me if I want this to work, I need to stop digging and let it go and move on.

My fear is her conscience. If she is holding back..how long can they hide this stuff? And not effect every single thing around them in their life? I mean our kids, our home, our finances, our health..everything.


Posts: 25 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, December 7th (Saturday)

If she''s not truthful with you now, she never will be. Here''s the truth that you already know. She already planned to move YOU out of YOUR home because SHE wanted to leave. She made plans with some future husband, possibly someone she already had picked out, to have a new daddy to your kids, and as a sop to you, assured you that you would be welcome in their life. She evidently only changed her mind because of money, not because of any remorse for you, and having changed her mind, is keeping you on the hook as Plan B in case something else better comes along by not committing to you fully. She is hiding from you, she is carrying on at least an EA with two different men, and is essentially treating you as a not-very-well tolerated babysitter.

None of this screams loving wife and family life to me. You''re being shafted. And not even being kissed on the ear while it happens.

I would suggest that you start thinking long and hard about what you want and need. And what you''re willing to tolerate and not tolerate. You''ve been through this rodeo before and you''re seeing the warning signs. I would also suggest that you go down to the I Can Relate forum and click onto the Betrayed Men''s thread and start talking. It''s slow around here on weekends, but the guys tend to hang out in that forum and they can talk to you man to man. Not that we womenz can''t talk to you as well, but I personally think that it''s also extremely helpful to talk man to man or woman to woman in situations.

And do keep coming back here for support. We''re all here for you!


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5072 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Brokenhearted99
New Member
Member # 41564
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, December 7th (Saturday)

What brought this into the light?

I have a history of a near fatal suicide. As a teenager 27 years ago, in order to escape a decade of abuse and neglect, I went into the woods and aimed a rifle at my heart, and pulled the trigger. I missed my left heart wall by 1/4 of an inch.

As a result, I suffer from PTSD and bouts of depression. As well as occasional ruminating thoughts of suicide. You don't walk away from something like that and not break something inside. Though, I never attempted suicide until this month.

I've overcome homelessness, and one prior marriage that ended in an affair without turning to my old drug of choice.

As I mentioned, I've battled depression since the spring of 2012. Further, the more I educate myself I honestly believe my spouse gaslights me and has been ever since we got married 13 years ago. We lived together for a year before we got married, and I never, ever saw this side. Looking back, she does have an extensive history of lying to me in one degree or another....I should have ran when I had the chance. But, I believe this gaslight effect has hurt my mental health to a degree. Over the years she has called me names in public, shoved me, berated me over small things like forgetting to add fabric softner, not trimming the hedges correctly etc.

As our situation got bad to worse over the last several months, I was hospitalized for depression in August. I was started on medication that zoned me out, and she posted pictures of me asleep with a plate of food in my lap after the meds knocked me out. When I went into the hospital in August my BP was 200/100. She made rude comments at my expense in that picture and some of my shared friends with her, felt terrible she was doing that.

We have been renting a home from a family friend since the summer and we couldn't pay the rent in November. I asked, if she would contact family for assistance, (they are well off)..I started work that month after being off/on work since last fall. I am in sales by trade but as a result of the prolonged depression, lost my "sell or die" attitude.

As I say, 2 Emotional Affairs, that I know of at this moment. (supposedly broken off after I confronted her with the evidence). 1 of the 2 I knew was on her wall and a sore issue for me since the spring of 2012. He frequently sent messages to her and was stalking her. She didn't, "see the big deal about having him around, he was an old friend..." (and here comes the gaslight "..besides, he isn't the problem...you are!"

I felt suffocated. She was rolling me under the bus (and at on another post, I will delve into that) to her friends, and family. They were urging her to leave me for my instability and PTSD. She could do and did no wrong. It should be no problem she can talk with whomever she wants to as long as she doesn't see a problem, and when I confront her...she falls back into, "They aren't the problem...you are for the following reasons..."

The first week of Nov. It suddenly occured to me why she didn't want to ask for help, though they had the money to pay cash for the house we live in and not stress their networth. The money wasn't the issue....she wanted our family, to end into the gutter.

I pleaded with her to ask for help until I started my job. She said, "You know. This isn't working. I've done everything I can to save this marriage!"

I was stunned!! I said, "No Way! What Nonsense, you won't remove this man that you flirted with online in April, that stalks you, sends you routine messages, banters openly with you on F.B infront of me...get rid of him before you make that claim!" Again, "No. I won't. He isn't the problem...you are the problem." I want out she says.

The kids are in the living room and can hear this.
She goes back into our room and proceeds to tell me my PTSD and depression are a tool to manipulate everyone I know. Though, I have seen doctors and have legitimate diagnosis for suffering years of the abuse and losing my life momentarily from a such a violent act and live with those memories.

She was ruthless with me that night.

I like any recovering addict, and suicide, to me was my drug of choice. I wired my brain as a child to escape the emotional trauma of child abuse to fly away through suicide.

I ran downstairs. I took a screen capture of this man, posted it on her wall and said, "F@ this life."

For the first time in 27 years, I strongly considered suicide. I kissed my kids goodbye and ran out the door.

I ran several miles in the middle of the night to a bridge, but I kept going. I know what happens when a person lets go of life and into the depths of death and dying. I knew the moment, I let go..I would regret it.

I ran into the mountains and sat down in the woods for 14 hours and cried, threw rocks, smashed branches and logs against trees. I got it out of my system. I watched the state police helicopter search for me for an hour and a half.

I decided at 4:00 AM to go home. When I got home, she was waiting for me and called the police back. They came and got me, handcuffed me, took me to the hospital.

I spoke to the crisis counselor and ER doc and they wanted to know what triggered this and if I was a treat to myself. I told them I wasn't. Living is my testimony to sobriety over suicide. If I wanted to die, I would have jumped. I have just reached the end of my abilty to cope with what was happening to me. They asked me about her and do you know what the doctor asked me, "Has she told you about the affair yet?"

They released me after an hour. I continue to see my therapist for treatment...

This is where the sex messaging comes into play. During the night, while I was at the hospital, an old friend contacted her through FB to see how she was handling things. SHe was quick to tell her 1,200 friends and mine, I had gone to the bridge to kill myself..

Since that night: I have lost so many friends. Few people will speak to me. My friend is throwing us out of his home. I had to sped Thanksgiving alone,and not one person ever questioned her about what happened that night?

As the weeks passed from that terrible night, she turned to this man. When I found the evidence she rationalized it as my fault for doing what I did that night. Her exact words, "I thought I was going to be a widow.." She replaced me in less than 3 weeks.

I look forward to seeing my counselor. They provide expert witness services in court. Few people, know of the things i have shared here. A few in our social circle, know do, and our in stunned silence at my spouse. She is charming, friendly, high energy, beautiful, everyone's friend and aquaunitance until you cross her or see that side of her and once you do... she distances herself from you.

She takes marital advice from teenagers, divorced people and she entertains a friendship with a woman whos own hubby, had an affair in his church office 1 year after seminary and lost his collar and church...she saved their marriage, but based on what my spouse tells her of me...I'm unworthy to save.

It feels good, to get this stuff off of my chest.


Posts: 25 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
Secrets Kept
Member
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, December 7th (Saturday)

I am so very sorry BH99.

Please be strong. Your kids are really gonna need you with the shit your WW is pulling.

Me personally would "out" the bitch to everyone!! Why should you take the shame? You did nothing wrong & her affair is in no way your fault whatsoever!! You deserve better than this shit.

Others here on SI tell women that it is time to dig out & put on those "bitch boots" & get tough. (not sure of a correct male term but you get the point)

Time for you to fight back & get tough!!

Hang in there & post when you need. We are here for you!!!


Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
H-44
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 223 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
Brokenhearted99
New Member
Member # 41564
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

Over the last two days what I've learned:

She accepts it was wrong, but says my struggles to maintain steady income this past year, issues with depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, drove her into this. She maintains, it was a one time lapse in moral behavior and insists the second man wasn't an affair because she wasn't attracted to him and she viewed him as a friend. I take it to mean, if she were single, she wouldn't have bothered with him in a romantic way, but I don't understand why she tolerated his regular messages that were beyond the bounds of other male friends on F.B.

The repulsive, "Oh, My, God," moments come in waves. Overall things between us have been actually good. She allows me to talk to her about my hurt, fears and anger. She accepts it's something that I need to do.

Well, last night, on my way to bed it hit me like a bolt of lighting. Two weeks ago, I was doing our laundry and I picked up a pair of her underwear and the style was different than what she had been buying for the last 5 years. The last time she bought anything remotely feminine and sexy was in 2008. On the day I was doing laundry, when I picked them up, I immediately dropped them and thought, "Oh My God!" That was my reflex. These were different! I know her, she has refused to purchase anything like this for years. Also, during this time, I had to run down the street to do an errand. I came home sooner than I expected. Our youngest was home sick. When I walked in the house, she had the door to our room closed. Which I thought was odd.. I opened the door and she was startled. I asked her, "Why is the door closed?" She told me she didn't want our son to see her change. Again, this was...odd. He was down and out on the couch watching tv and not really motivated to get up off the couch. She looked flustered in the face.

So yesterday on my way to bed, and I asked her before, "did you send pictures of yourself to your soldier boyfriend overseas?" She denied it.

Still, I can not shake this feeling. The underwear, closed door, lying about everything...at 4:00 AM our daughter was up sick. I took care of her came back to bed and made it a point to thrash around enough to wake her up.

I said, "Look. I know men. If I'm having an EA with you, and I know your FB profile has very tame pictures of you...I want alluring suggestive pictures of you. Since, I can't be with you, pictures of you...would be the next best thing." Again, she denied it. So, I rephrased the question and she says, "Well. It did come up. He asked for them, and I refused because I didn't want them out there for this reason." I said, "Why? Why when I first asked you wouldn't you just say that to me, 'He asked for them. I refused..."

She offered me her phone this morning. I still can not shake this feeling she isn't being honest with me about sharing suggestive pictures of herself to a some soldier that now he is jilted may share these pictures with others.

She also said regarding the extent of their sexual discussions: Were him complaining about his wife's lack of attention in bed, (I reminded her of her same issues with me over the last 6 months)I knew about her message to him, while she was undressed in our bed, while I was tucking our sons in bed across the hall about the joy of inhibited drunk sex. Finally, she told me he asked if she would like to give him oral.

My concern, is her lack of candor. Her lack of candor, causes me to fear, there is more she isn't sharing with me.

Why don't our spouses not see this? WTH! If you want to end your marriage, have the decency and courage to just END IT. Go through the divorce, wait till the dust clears before you involve other people for this REASON! So, she wants her family but I got this to cope and manage with, all of the @#&* "What ifs!!" How long would this gone on if I hadn't gone through her phone last week.

She has shared with me, it would have continued for a period because it was just in the early phases but she didn't feel comfortable when he asked her if she would like to give him oral. I know her, yes, that would be something she inside would have felt uncomfortable with, planned along for the moment but if he perisisted with it...would have lost her.

Some positives: We are working at this. I do feel a fresh and new tenderness towards her and I also believe it is given back to me. We spent the night on the couch, just watching television and chatting like times past. It was wonderful. After our early morning discussion, I asked if I could hold her and she did say,"no"... I took it as her wanting to go back to sleep because she has two long days at work.

This morning she was carrying her phone around her with her again and I pointed it out and said, "Look. You still can't pry that out of your hands! You're still taking it into the bathroom with you for heavens sake!' She handed me the phone and said, "You can go through it. I used it as a flashlight this morning when I into the living room to turn up the heat just prior to heading into the shower."

All I know, this sucks. The two of them took something from me and his wife. I doubt she knows...


Posts: 25 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
Brokenhearted99
New Member
Member # 41564
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

ETA: I know his profile on F.B. He's also a minister. I want to message this punk and tell him to stay away from my wife, one of his friends is my SIL. I want to say, "My Brother in Jesus, please refrain from contacting my wife again and asking her if she would like to provide you with oral pleasures...oh, but, by the way dude...the make up sex was off the charts!" I know it wouldn't be rational to do this and I won't. I've looked at the message button and came close once, but I won't give him the satisfaction of knowing he hurt me.

Posts: 25 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
Brokenhearted99
New Member
Member # 41564
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

I guess what's bothering me, is if the truth were a game, she would be playing, "Battleship" with me. She isn't/didn't/won't show me her board. I have to ask the right question just as in the game, "B-7, B-6, B-5" to hear the successive, "Miss, Miss, Miss.." Finally, if I ask the correct question, "Hit."

Posts: 25 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
Kalliopeia
Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

I'm not sure that you are going to be able to tolarate going through this gaslighting and gaming she is inflicting on you.

You have children. You are already in a difficult position in terms of your credibility being undermined publically.

I don't usually recommend this from the get go, but she needs ditched.

File divorce, restraining order, and for 100% full custody before she does it to you.

Take the initiative because this woman is not a good person and she is already dragging you through the dirt in front of everyone.

You went for some time to yourself in the woods, you came back and she called the police on you and they actually handcuffed you and toted you off? This is serious business. Get an attorney yesterday.

Sorry :(


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
Kalliopeia
Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

also, if OM is an actual minister with a church, out him to the congregation. He's going to look awesomely attractive to your wife with everyone else heaping their disgust on him.

Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
Brokenhearted99
New Member
Member # 41564
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

I just wrote the OM on F.B. I told this brother in Christ, God would not approve of his relationship with my wife. I told him I knew what they talked about and I doubted seriously his friends and family would approve of his conversations with her. I also, just messaged my wife about this contact. I havene't heard back. But darn it, I wanted him to know, I knew about him...

Posts: 25 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
HeartbrokenDude
Member
Member # 41110
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)

Guy is a minister? For everyone's sake I hope his God is real, and he burns in hell.

Posts: 66 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United States
Long Gone
Member
Member # 32587
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)

you did good


D-Day 11/26/10

Posts: 772 | Registered: Jun 2011
Brokenhearted99
New Member
Member # 41564
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)

I'm not sure about the minister part, he is a graduate of a Christian college and he runs in the same circles my wife's family does and they are all church minded people. He's friends with my SIL.

I told him: You had no right to take what didn't belong to you, I wouldn't have done that to you. While the two of you were indulging in online sex chat, I was tucking 3 precious children in bed. You weren't the only man in her life at that time, so you need to come down a peg brother...she was cheating on you as well with another man also.

I just got a message from a dear friend of mine that is a legitimate pastor and family counselor and he green lighted my actions. He said, "When you mentioned it, I could never answer that one for you but I would have done the same thing, and I would imagine most spouses would do likewise given the chance."

I just called my spouse (about a different subject) but before I got off the phone, I told her. You could have heard a pen drop. She wasn't angry, nor defensive. She said, "Okay." But there was a definite moment of silence. It will be interesting if this man decides to write back. If not, I hopefully doused his conscience for his own family with a 5 gallon can of gas and lit a match to it...maybe send him running back to his own family.


Posts: 25 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
Brokenhearted99
New Member
Member # 41564
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)

Spoke to soon, she is furious with me for contacting him. This can't be good for untold reasons, I would imagine


Posts: 25 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
Brokenhearted99
New Member
Member # 41564
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)

I just spoke to her again... she is angry with me. I told her I blocked the man after I sent the message, I said my peace to him.

I asked her, "Why are you mad at me?"

"I don't want to argue about it. You are only going to explain away why I am angry with you!"

On contrary, I want to know why the hell you would be mad with me. "I can't talk about it now, we'll talk when I get home in a bit."

I feel, she is going to punish me somehow. She is going to spin this on me and make it so I did some vile thing as contacting him.

Why!? If I know everything and there is no more contact..why is this a problem?

I can't leave at this point. I make minimum wage. I used to make really good money but this depression robbed me of my instinct as a salesman. I don't have the sell or die attitude anymore. Most days I struggle to get out of bed. We only have 1 car and she has that. We are getting a replacement here in Feb

I want to talk to my counselor and be in therapy for a minimum of 6 before making a choice like this. I need to ask myself, "Where am I going to live?" I can't live in this community so I'll more than likely move 80 miles away but that means I won't have access to my kids like I do know.



Posts: 25 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
Brokenhearted99
New Member
Member # 41564
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)

Sorry to bump my topic again, but I shared something with this man, about what her sister told me 10 years ago. She told me, "I wouldn't trust her as far as you could throw her, I would get away from her before she hurts you, and it's sad considering she is my own sister."

Now, I know, if she knew I told him about that discussion and she knows I had it. I told her in 2003 about it. She would be furious with me, and I suspect, if they took their affair underground, he would probably tell her I said that about her. Thus, overplaying her hand because she yelled at me on the phone, "How would i have no contact wit him when I blocked him!" Like draw attention away from the fact she may have various email accounts or other social networks. I am very alarmed she would be this angry with me.

I am giving strong thought to what the future looks like without her. I am deeply sad over this, I don't want my kids to go through this. I want them to have a stable home without divorce.


Posts: 25 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
ZedLeppelin
Member
Member # 40895
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)

How about you start standing up for yourself.

You're depressed, sh*t job and yet you allow the one person who's supposed to have your back walk all over you.

Go see a lawyer and file for divorce, regardless of whether you want to or not. This is not about divorcing, but about regaining control over your life. You deserve happiness, and if its not with your wife then you are making it clear that you are perfectly capable of moving on (even if inside you are scared of being lonely, seeing less of your kids etc.)

You can always stop the process if your wife has shown enough remorse.

Do not contact the other man, it makes you look weak. He is probably getting some perverse pleasure from this. Seriously - stop contacting him. No more contact.

You mention he has a wife. Call her and tell her what is happening. Then you expose him to his family & work through formal email. e.g. "I have written this to inform you that Mr. X has been engaging in an affair." No emotion, just state the facts. People contacted should be superiors (one or two) and older family members (Younger family members tend to immediately leap to their defense). Do NOT go overboard with this, just enough people to shine the light on the affair. No more than needed.

Stop engaging with her. Just Stop. You make it clear that if it does go to divorce she will be the one that leaves the house. Not you. You may/may not have been the best husband but the affair is not your fault.


[This message edited by ZedLeppelin at 10:52 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 207 | Registered: Oct 2013
Brokenhearted99
New Member
Member # 41564
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, December 17th (Tuesday)

Went to the counselor for the first time since I made discovery.

He asked what I wanted, I told him based on history with her, F.B has been the gateway for her and these other men.

I figured in 6 years, she has had 4 men challenge her fidelity in one degree or another and maintained an emotional affair from, just entertaining a flirt to the graphic sex messages of two weeks ago. And, all 4 of those men were on her wall at the same time two weeks ago. I told him I told her it would be a good idea to decativate f.b....she didn't like that idea. I told her we could have a joint account...she didn't like that. I never told her I wanted access to her wall via passwords.

He told me if she didn't give these things to me, (security code), I should be alarmed.

She got home, I confronted her and told her I wanted them and it got rather nasty.

She said, "When are you going to tell these counselors what you have done to us? You know, your mental health?"

I held my ground. I told her it was this way, or the highway. I would be finding another place to live. She gave them to me.... I know, it isn't over. I challenged that ego, it was an affront to it. This is when it gets rather nasty in my home. I see the counselor in two weeks again. I just went through her wall, and it looks clear. She has a boatload of men blocked, I noticed.


Posts: 25 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, December 17th (Tuesday)

She said, "When are you going to tell these counselors what you have done to us? You know, your mental health?"
She''s blameshifting.

Even money says she sets up new FB and keeps it secret.

I told him based on history with her, F.B has been the gateway for her and these other men.
Gateway...true. It was the gateway in that she used it to facilitate her A. Her motivation, her choices are what led her to use FB as that gateway when other people just use it to post funny pics and say hi to friends and family. FB isn''t the problem. Your WW is.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4081 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
ZedLeppelin
Member
Member # 40895
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)

You are not going to get anywhere unless you start showing some real consequences.

Facebook is not the problem - your wife is. The fact that you cannot see this after all this time is seriously troubling if you plan on saving your marriage.

Have you filed for divorce yet? Have you exposed the affair to others?!?



Posts: 207 | Registered: Oct 2013
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)

Bh99....

Your wifes' boyfriend....she still in contact with him?

If so....his wife needs to know...have you contacted her with proof of the affair?

Also....if you haven't read the "healing library"....yes the whole thing...please do...

The first thing you need to do is get your wife out of her affair....until that happens - shes just humping your leg...

You are NOT going to "nice guy" her back....crying and begging will now work either......it just isn't very sexy, Bro....

Tell the other guys wife...with proof....get the affair over...

Keep up posted...

Bufffalo


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5849 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

Read it. Memorize it, then implement it. Her defensiveness combined with the large number of men she has blocked send up really large warning flags.

180 brother. Work on you first.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3158 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 2:02 AM, December 19th (Thursday)

Kick your WW the heck out...
I realize that you said that you make minimum wage..
Have you thought about applying for disability?..People with severe PTSD and severe depression are sick enough to qualify... It is a pain in the butt process because few people are successful with their claims the first time or second time unless they have done their research and know what they are doing.. If you are persistent and have been going to one doctor/therapist all this time he or she will be able to help you...
This may be a viable way to support yourself until your depression is less severe..
And getting your WW's toxic presence out of your day to day life may lift your depression to a less crippling level..


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1338 | Registered: Nov 2011
Brokenhearted99
New Member
Member # 41564
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, January 1st (Wednesday)

The advice here has been timely and spot on. The affair, went underground.

As I last posted, I was granted access to her facebook. This is where she spent her time, with the 3 individuals.

The first individual, has been in and out of my radar since 2007. He was a childhood friend, and stood in on my wedding after my brother missed. In March 2007, we buried her father. He was at the wedding. They had a childhood infatuation growing up that bubbled over into adulthood and they had a chance to have a relationship before I met her. In May 2007, he wrote her an email and said he loved her. I found this email by accident while paying bills... I went to her and she promised to not talk to him anymore.

In the fall of 2008, they reconnected on F.B. and she maintained a friendship with him through casual posts and an occasional messages. It was a year later, I discovered him and found the messages. Again, I asked her to keep him away...she said okay, and of course, a year later, he was there.... At that point, from what I know, she got rid of him.

During our "mock" seperation, in November, when she was telling everyone we were through. This individual was once more on her F.B. wall. This was man #1.

The second man, whom I was orginially concerned about...was in actuality the least of my concerns. This was a stalker friend of hers again from childhood. From the spring of 2012 until last month, he sent her routine messages. Rarely did she respond to them. I asked her to remove him, and she refused or gaslighted me and told me he was the least of our problems in life,(in hindsight, I didn't know what gaslighting was...I have since, become a student of the ploy). I was never really bothered by this person moreover at the behavior. I couldn't for the life of me understand why she kept him around (Again, love is blind..though we see...we can't see until it hits us in the face with a 2x4)..... When I finally got access to her facebook messages and pulled back the door to what was going on to a degree, all of her messages to him were marginally upsetting. She unfriended and blocked him without blinking an eye. She has shared with me, "he was getting on my nerves." If she met the guy on the street, I know she wouldn't have given him a second look.

The issue I have learned about man number two, it blinded me to the real problem, man number 3.

This individual was a summer fling when she was a teenager during a rather happy time in her life. A year later, she would become a teen mom and would have almost no support from family or friends and really struggled to do it on her own.
He is deployed overseas.

On the day of discovery, she sent him a message on F.B and told him have no more contact with her. She blocked him.

I saw the counselor. I updated here, I had access to her f.b..... I was advised here, "it will go underground..."

Over the month I would ask her, "Hey, soldier boy is a man...men like pictures...did you send any pictures of you?" "What was the nature of this? Did you have feelings?" "Are you in contact with him?"

The answers...No/no/no/no.

Yesterday, she left her phone behind by accident and well..what a day it was. Man number 1 called her 3 times alone. He even left a message, "Hey babe...I'm thinking of you."

Man number 3, the affair was indeed underground. She sent nude pictures of herself to him on her birthday. (no wonder, she didn't want to get a cake and celebrate it with the kids and I). He sent her a scathing email several days after he blocked her...upset she blocked him. She "owed" him an explanation apparently as I read that message. She frantically responded back to him over the course of several days... "Please don't be mad at me. I love you. He made me do it. Couldn't you tell...I am here for the kids..." blah blah. She even emailed him on Christmas Day after we opened presents with the kids....


All of these men, were online or phone. None of them live in the area. I have at this time, her phone. With it I have access to all of her emails, messages.everything. On Monday, I see the counselor.

Of course she says, this was her only affair. I don't consdier the other two an affair compared to this. These guys, simply helped her get close to that line.

I feel strong actually. Knowing, helps. I am not crazy. I knew, something was wrong. Thank You for telling me it would go underground, because it did.


Posts: 25 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
Brokenhearted99
New Member
Member # 41564
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, January 1st (Wednesday)

I hesitate, to move forward with a divorce. I want to spend time with a counselor before I make life changing choices. People, can get better. I am not ready to take that step. If, this continues. I promised myself, one year to work this out. A friend of mine, is a family counselor and pastor. He has seen couples reconcile. It can be done. I have to believe, we can as well.

I know I feel better, because I have the truth, as painful as it is and as ugly as it is


Posts: 25 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
trojan007
Member
Member # 36960
Default  Posted: 11:40 PM, January 1st (Wednesday)

She frantically responded back to him over the course of several days... "Please don't be mad at me. I love you. He made me do it. Couldn't you tell...I am here for the kids..."

Hey buddy you need to wake up... Don't you understand she does not love you and has absolutely no respect for you whatsoever. You need to start being honest to yourself. It's not going to get any better, because of your actions why would you want to reconcile with someone that is shown you so much disrespect it's unbelievable. You need to file for divorce right now, and do the 180... I don't understand people come on here to get the best advice in the world. From people that's been through the same thing. Sorry that you're going to prolong your pain buddy good luck keep posting


Posts: 58 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Valencia, CA 91355
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 12:09 AM, January 2nd (Thursday)

I don''''t usually recommend D but its hard not to in this case.

Brother, it has been lie
upon lie
upon lie
upon lie

The evidence shows she''''s been unfaithful for years
She withholds sexton while begging the OM''''s forgiveness

I know I feel better, because I have the truth, as painful as it is and as ugly as it is

You do not have all of the information or the whole truth

[This message edited by Brandon808 at 12:18 AM, January 2nd, 2014 (Thursday)]


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4081 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
headdesk
Member
Member # 40787
Default  Posted: 2:32 AM, January 2nd (Thursday)

Kick her ass out and get a dog. The dog will help your PSTD and depression and be far more loyal and loving. She is abusing you, lying to you and in general treating you like crap over something you cannot control. You can help your depression by doing things like exercising and getting out but you don't get to decide when it comes visiting. I've had issues since I was 13 and this time of year really stinks for it. She has NO right to shame you or blame you for it. If she can't hack it as a caregiver from time to time, she could have just left rather than doing this ugly stuff.


Me: 39
WH: 42
DDay:Sep 19 2013 (only TT of EA)
Oct 4th 2013 revealed PA through snooping.
Marred 16 years, together for 20. Looking to R at this time. We have awesome kids (12/14).

Posts: 273 | Registered: Sep 2013
Brokenhearted99
New Member
Member # 41564
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, January 21st (Tuesday)

Thank You for the input, I gather, it would probably be in my best interest to get out.


I am just going to post questions that have continued to ruminate through my head since I first discovered this affair. And I have 3 concerns.

My first concern as I look back, she took a page right out of the wayward spouse playbook. She lied when confronted. Lied when confronted again. Would only agree to the proof I held in my hands and she marginalized that. Everything I do know, she originally lied about. What are the odds, I tied up all of the lose ends on my own? In the real world, probably not very good...

Next. Why him? How do you have an affair and act the way you did, with a one dimensional person? The only history she had with him was wayyy back in 1995/1996 when she was 17/18 and they met a summer camp. They maintained pen pal relationships for 3-6 months. And, that was all she wrote until 18 years later. I know he is overseas, so there hasn't been any contact face to face and he lives on the other side of the country. I think, my gut instinct when I discovered it and I forgot until today, "Why the hell him?" Why would she, drunk sex message a guy, in her drawers and nothing else in our bed while I am tucking our sons in bed across the hall? Why would she tell me she wants a divorce, while she carries on a one dimensional affair with a guy she hasn't talked to since the mid 90s? With no history? Why not a guy you had history with? Someone you knew? Someone you worked with at some point? Someone locally?

Next. She came home on Nov. and said she wanted out of our marriage. This guy, a few hours later, finds her on F.B. and sends her a message and they are friends. 10 days later, she takes off her uniform shirt when she got home from work, climbs into bed and takes a picture of herself in her bra. (I found this picture on New Years Eve) This was one of those, marginalize moments. She said, "He wanted an updated picture of me..." I said, "WTH! Instead of just snapping a self portrait of yourself in your uniform shirt, you chose to climb into our bed, take your shirt off? While I am getting the kids home from school??" Well, she regroups and tries to further marginalize it by saying, "I honestly thought I was wearing my tank top?" No. I recognize the bra, I just washed it with a load of laundry.


I think, my deep rooted concern is: If you will act this way with a one dimensional person, you haven't talked to in 18 years. Someone you entered affair mode within 10 days of meeting him online through F.B. Someone within 2 weeks of meeting sent full on nude pics to, trusting he wouldn't share them with his buddies. Someone you were sex messaging while you were 99 percent undressed across the hall from your 8 and 7 year old son....what would you do, with a person,you had access to?

Or, this affair, had been ongoing when I found it. Meaning (and I have discussed this with her and she denies it happening...of course)... the affair started months ago. She knew, I checked her f.b. messages from time to time. My guts were telling me something was wrong since the spring of 2012. And on the day she said, "I think our marriage is a mistake. I want out." She felt it was okay, to bring him out from under a rock.


These are thoughts, ruminating through my mind. Overall, she is charming and very patient with me. I have access to her emails, phone and F.B. account. I have gone over our cell phone bills for the last two years and the only thing I see is...she used to make a ton of phone calls. She doesn't make them anymore. None of these phone calls were more than 5-10 minutes. Not like she spent hours on the phone with 1 particular number. So, i don't know if there is something in the numbers,I am not seeing.


Posts: 25 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
ZedLeppelin
Member
Member # 40895
Default  Posted: 12:36 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

With the greatest amount of respect, what is the point of you posting here?

If you are genuine about your motives for coming here then i humbly suggest you actually start listening to people who are trying to help you! We are on your side. Again, my apologies if you are genuine.

--To sum up some of your questions: The type of person she slept around with doesn't matter. She wanted to screw other people and so she did. If it wasn't those men, then there would be others.

This is what i have been trying to tell you with regards to facebook. You are thinking that she ONLY wants sex with these men, and if you eliminate these men, then your wife will be faithful to you. This is wrong. She has NO respect for you. Consequently whether it is 5 days from now, 5 months, 5 years - she WILL cheat with other men.

Your wife does not want to remain faithful to you. Where do you go from here? THIS IS YOUR STARTING POINT!

Go back and read every post on this page. Each and every single one is offering advice. We are trying to help you! I wish you well.


Posts: 207 | Registered: Oct 2013
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

Couples certainly can get better--if they both try. Unfortunately you are bailing water for the both of you. It's time to get in your own lifeboat and save yourself.

Right now you're flailing around in the breakers, getting hit again and again. But you can just stand up and walk out of the surf.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

Couples certainly can get better--if they both try. Unfortunately you are bailing water for the both of you. It's time to get in your own lifeboat and save yourself.

Right now you're flailing around in the breakers, getting hit again and again. But you can just stand up and walk out of the surf.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

Hey there Brokenhearted99. Just read through this thread and wanted to say my heart goes out to you and your kids. Unfortunately I know too what it feels like the moment you decide to let go.

I agree with a lot of what LedZeppelin has said as well as the others. It's time to get up off the floor and fight for yourself and your kids if you haven't already done so. My own story has many of the same elements as yours. Except I didn't see it from a spouse's perspective. I saw much of what you have said from the child's point of view.

Don't feel you have to as it's quite lengthy, but if you want to see my story you can check it out in this Just Found Out section titled Dealing with the Affair 25 years later. I've received some messages that my story has helped some people in their type of situation that shares aspects of your story. I wouldn't expect it to help, but if it does help you in some weird way, power to you.

Stay strong bh99. I'm going to have to start to keep an eye on you.

How are you today? Any updates?


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2342 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Brokenhearted99
New Member
Member # 41564
Default  Posted: 5:54 AM, February 7th (Friday)

I bundled up the emails between my WS and OM. I sent a bulk emails to the OM's spouses people. I got a message back. The OM FIL, has been provided everything. Is in discussions with family law attorneys, counselors, and other church pastors. This man used to be a pastor. He doesn't know his FIL, in laws, and peers are in the loop. His wife doesn't know. They are going to confront him when they are ready. As a courtesy to me, they will let me know, if what they find out, doesn't gel with what I provided them. I shared this with my spouse and said, "Well. We'll see if your story squares..."

Denial, is part of the grieving processes. My world turned upside down on December 3rd and went over the cliff on December 31. I made a promise to myself to give this at minimum, 1 year before I made any life changes and I aim to keep that. I thought, this was a safe place to come and go through the emotions of grief. I don't want to believe she was capable of 1 affair let alone another if it is so. I want to believe my faithful wife, still remains and she is capable of being truthful. If it isn't so, my heart will in its due time make the necessary changes and live no question remaining. I will be able to sleep with my head on the pillow knowing, I gave it my very all and best. Nor, if what she is saying is the truth...willing to end a 14 year relationship with 3 little kids over this. I honestly feel, if there is more, it will come out through the other parties FIL confronting this man..... I honestly, can not imagine the FIL confronting the husband that cheated on his little girl.


Posts: 25 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
Lalagirl
Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, February 7th (Friday)

I thought, this was a safe place to come and go through the emotions of grief.

It very much is. It is also a place of people who have "been there/done that" and all they are trying to do is help. Human behavior is pretty easy to decipher when your emotions are out of it. I think the people who took the time to respond to you were kind and compassionate - any "2x4" was only because they care.

I don't want to believe she was capable of 1 affair let alone another if it is so. I want to believe my faithful wife, still remains and she is capable of being truthful.

I understand. No one wants to believe it. It friggin hurts beyond belief. And compartmentalizing is easy, especially when you have depression and PTSD - but it does catch up. I've been there.

I wish you well, Brokenhearted, I truly do. And we will always be here for you should you need us...sadly, I think that you will. But I pray for a miracle and your WW becomes truly remorseful and does the hard work to reconcile with you. You gave her one heck of a gift.


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 31 years 9/2/14
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS,2yo GD & 3 mo. GD (DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5136 | Registered: May 2007
Howie
Member
Member # 41922
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, February 7th (Friday)

You are in a very hard position, very. My real regrets. I have no particular advice, but do attend the collective of advices. I will say, she seems a risky investment. You wont forget two things; your children need you now and in the future, more than ever. And as you really know, depression can be a fatal disease. You must take care of yourself.Your life is important.

Posts: 187 | Registered: Jan 2014
Brokenhearted99
New Member
Member # 41564
Helpless  Posted: 5:06 PM, February 7th (Friday)

You were right.

More lies.

I guess, she feels threatened that the OM's family is going to cooperate with me, and share information if the story I provided, doesn't gel.

Turns out, they didn't go the 20 years without contact and they knew one another in 2010, but they never...talked.

I discovered her yahoo IM. There's a bunch of what looks like spam messages... I confronted her on the phone, she came home and blew me up. Called me names, hostile etc... This is when another drip of truth comes out.

Thanks. I am taking steps to protect myself... I am sorry, it has come to this. I refuse to allow her to speak in such a loathsome, vile manner with me. Blame me for her lies and affair.

I have no where else to just unload... no where. I am strong. I have lived through things that kill an adult inside of 12 minutes. I picked my life up under the sneers and mocking ridicule and scorn and no one asked me, "why" did you shoot youself nearly to death.... because a grown man beat me, locked me in a chair for days and weeks on end. Called me names, humiliated me and I tried to get help. So finally, I took matters into my hands on that night. And when the rifle went off...I realized I was stonger than him.

I am stronger than her.... I love her. She chose to throw it in the dirt, not me. She had to kiss a bunch of frogs to find me....


Posts: 25 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
Lalagirl
Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, February 10th (Monday)

I'm so sorry.

Believe me, we don't want to be right.

We're here for you - sound off all you need to. This is one hell of a rollercoaster ride.

What is your plan now, Brokenhearted? I really think at this point it would be good to separate. This is tearing you apart and NC=no new hurts.

Again, I am very sorry.

Sending strength...


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 31 years 9/2/14
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS,2yo GD & 3 mo. GD (DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5136 | Registered: May 2007
Sadmumma
Member
Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, February 10th (Monday)

Dude I. So sorry your in this situation....

But please DO not make excuses for her affairs, or make out one is worse than the orpther or, my friend you are in fact gas lighting yourself.

They are all bad...They are all lies...there is no "degree of severity" where infidelity is considered.

Read up on the 180... You have proven you are strong and can make good decisions.... You don't need get...


On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 536 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
kalimata
Member
Member # 42104
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, February 10th (Monday)

Dear Brokenhearted99:

I'm so sorry to hear about your tragic story. To have survived a suicide attempt and to live through the agony and pain of a WW who blatantly is cheating on you in front of you is too much to take.

However the manner in which you exposed in several steps has only driven your WW's affairs underground further. To obtain the most punch, it is best to expose all at the same time. You have confronted her several times and she still reverts back to her same old ways.

Have you heard of Dr Harley? He publishes a book and website called Marriage Builders. It is built upon Christian foundations of building marriages after affairs. I suggest you go and read his book. Especially Plan B. Plan B is a method for ending an affair in the case of a wayward that doesn't want to stop. However keep in mind that Harley's Plan B is incredibly difficult to implement and requires almost no direct communication between you and your WW.

I would go one step further and go see a divorce attorney. Since you have a mental illness (PTSD) and have attempted suicide in the past, you have a grounds for securing alimony payments from your WW. This mental illness however may impact you negatively when it comes to child custody. The biggest thing you can do at this point is to shock her with the threat of divorce. She is so deep in the fog that the only thing that may scare her back into the marriage is being served with divorce papers. You may or may not decide to continue the divorce proceedings once she is served, but it may help snap her out of the fog.

Don't bother wasting your time checking on her phones, emails, or activities any longer. Stand up for yourself and HAVE SOME BALLS. She is treating you like a POS and walking all over you.

I'm so sorry you are here. Keep posting and we will continue to provide advice.

Sending you peace and strength.........Kali


Posts: 191 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
Brokenhearted99
New Member
Member # 41564
Default  Posted: 6:32 AM, September 4th (Thursday)

Update:

Last I posted, I forwarded all information I had regarding the OM to his in-laws. I know, at some point they confronted him with the evidence.

Last summer, the two of us were invited to CA for a wedding. We live on the east coast. My MIL, opted to pay for her plane ticket and other expenses, but excluded me. Someone, needed to watch the kids.

In the wake of her affair, two months discovery day, while attending our son and daughter's combined birthdays my MIL was discussing this trip. When we left, I said to her, "I just found your relationship with all of the ugliness. You're seriously not going, are you?" At that point, it was a struggle to go more than 4-6 hours without hearing, or seeing her. I couldn't imagine not seeing or hearing from her for a week. It was much to soon and fresh at the time and it brought the grief so easily out of me. At first, she hesitated, we argued for about an hour, not very long and she said, "Okay, I won't go."

Honestly, I banished the thought from my mind. I never considered it again. I was in the pre Discovery Day mind set of simply believing my wife at face value, "You say you aren't going, well okay, you aren't going."

March, turned to April. I asked her to be transparent with me. I asked her to be honest with me about what she was doing with the OM. I knew, early on in our relationship 15 years ago, she was very conversational about past relationships. I didn't have to dig, or pry for the details surrounding their relationship. However when it came to the OM, it was always very brief...or yes or no. Mostly, lots, and lots of no's... In fact, I can only think of one or two yeses compared to the abundance of no-s.

Her tablet was broken for over a year, and we got the money to fix it. When it came back from the manufacturer she synched it with her email and other accounts. In April we went to my MIL for Easter. We were having brunch with her mom, and some of her distant relatives. She wanted to show her mother some pictures and turned on the tablet. Our kids, were eager to play games on the tablet and ran behind us and were standing directly behind me as if they were carnivores stalking live prey as they wanted to be the first to play games.

As my wife scrolled pictures to find the certain image she wanted her mom to see, out of the corner of my eye, I saw very, graphic images. Though, I found a few pictures on New Years Eve..(These were taken during the affair. I discovered them about a month after D-Day)...these new images were far more graphic. She jumped up and ran out of the dinning room. I followed after her with this, "WTH?" I asked you to please tell me everything you did. This way, it would've prepared me for the shock and awe moment seeing you in these images. You were dressed in provactive, lingerie and you have refused over the years to wear them for me. She told me she didn't tell me about them because she never sent them. She was very self-conscious about her body image in the pictures. I could tell by the time stamps that after the more graphic images, there were no more pictures taken. For whatever reason they were auto saved. I guess, I don't know if pics are just auto saved on Gmail or if they are auto saved if you transmit them to social media or emails. It was important to me to believe she never sent the full frontal nudity pics out. I wanted to hold onto as much as possible that was for my eyes only. Perhaps I am wrong? Perhaps this is another lie? I mean, if you take a pic, but don't send it, is the pic automatically backed up or do you have to send it. If I take a picture with my camera phone of my dog scratching himself but never send it, would Gmail, just save the pic already? Or, would I have to post the pic on social media, or emal it to someone?

I picked myself up off the ground. She told me that was all and we moved on. IN April, I went back to work, of sorts. I am a car salesman by trade and GM is falling apart due to the many recalls and it killed business. I struggled to keep my head in the game. I was hurting very badly inside and the depression was and is severe. But, I managed to commute 1,500 miles every two weeks for work (We live in a rural city and the economy is very bad here. There are only 4 car lots and none of them were hiring so I had to drive 80 miles one way to work, but it felt good to be providing once more and working to put the parts back inside of myself)

I remained, optimistic we can overcome this. I had my bouts of jealousy, doubts she is lying to me because it doesn't feel natural..the story of how the truth is to her... but I am tired of busted families. I grew up in one, and my first marriage went the way of infidelity.

A few weeks ago, I saw the writing on the wall. I had a good July, I sold 7 units and made some coin. In August, hero-to-zero. I sold, 1 unit. You can't keep your job performing like that. I knew, I would need to find a new store, and I just didn't care for GM. One afternoon, shortly before my birthday on Aug. 21 I was texting her about cutting my losses and leaving the GM store and find perhaps an import, good fuel mileage, and affordable car..blah blah...normal, everyday banter.

She replies, "You can take a week off and rest while I am gone to CA."

I paused, "What? You told me you weren't going to go?!? You told me you would tell your mom, 6 months ago, you weren't going to go?!?" "WTH am I supposed to do with the kids?!? We don't know anyone in this crummy city except 1, 18 year old kid who doesn't drive and is only fit to watch the kids while we go out to dinner for a couple of hours or maybe 1 or 2 days during summer vacation. She isn't fit for the task... I am not going to be away over 80 miles away in a city where we have no family, and no friends, and you in CA and the kids by themselves. Someone, we know, or family need to have immediate access in the case of an emergency. It takes me 90 minutes to get back to the city. (We are planning on moving at the beginning of the new year back home and out of this city I moved to last summer for work that never materialized)

No answer, other than, "Sorry"

She hid this from me. She had every intention on going. Her desire, is a very reasonable one. I know she is going with her sister and mother. Her father passed away very suddenly in 07 and she misses him. That's the problem with affairs... the husband, that loves her wants this for her. But, this fractured, wounded OMG WTH did you do, side of me wants her home with the kids and me.

I am deeply worried she thought this was a good idea to keep this from me. I am worried, she can sleep and look at me in the eyes living like this. All she says is she's sorry. She on a few occasions attempted to call her mom and cancel. Once her mom got pissed at her because she is out $450 for a plane ticket. But, I told her to not bother. I was like, "What's the point?" I shouldn't have to brow beat you to do the right thing, be honest, transparent with me or live up to the things you say you're going to do. I asked you to be honest, you haven't. I asked you to have no further contact with the OM, and you didn't.

She was planning on making child care aggaingments without my knowledge. She says she is going to go to counseling once we get settled back home and she can have a long term relationship with the counselor. I've asked her to have an accountability partner, someone that's a friend to the marriage, someone that would maintain her confidence, and someone wise, she respects. We agreed on a pastor friend's wife we've known for about 6 years. Over the couple of weeks before the trip, when I asked her if she made contact she hadn't. Out of the blue, my friend's wife, just touched base with her through F.b. (The pastor and his wife are aware of what happened up until the end of Dec. This other stuff, they are unaware of. I sent my friend an email this morning because I am home alone with no one to talk to for the next week. The kids go to school and I am home alone. I will clean house, write on my book, and watch some television, walk the dog and get some air).

I guess, I am just writing, to vent. I know the answer to my question without asking. My heart aches. She isn't sorry. She isn't empathetic and remains in denial. She doesn't seem committed and only pays lip service to it when the lifting is needed, like deny herself a trip. Admit to what she was doing, when no one was looking, remain accountable to myself and people who genuinely love her and would give her honest advice.


Posts: 25 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
10yearsafter
Member
Member # 43139
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, September 4th (Thursday)

Brother the only thing you can do now is give her the divorce papers. There is no more "I want to work on this relationship" she is cake eating and disrespecting you. Every time you confront her with more truth she blows up. You do not deserve that and she does not deserve more chances.

She is lying to you if she says she has not had sex with any of the other men. Just keep that in mind.

You must stand up for yourself and your children.

Tell her to leave don't take no for an answer.

You must not leave the home you need to take care of your kids.

You have been given good advice please take it don't wait to see what happens. As you have seen we already know what happens.

Take the advice put it into practice and let go of the outcome of your marriage.

Do it today.


Posts: 269 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 46