User Topic: Hate
Member # 41313
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, December 7th (Saturday)

I think I must be a terrible person because I feel such hatred towards the OW. I deeply, strongly, permanently hate her. I hope she is suffering. It makes me glad to know she is unhappy. I hope she is harmed. I even want her to watch her children suffer in some way.

I have never ever felt this level of hate before. I wish she were not on this earth. It bothers me that she is out there somewhere just breathing.

Posts: 132 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: the inside of my head
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, December 7th (Saturday)

I'm right there with you.

The only way I could get through many days since Dday was to fantasize horrible things happening to OW. It seems though that she has continued on in her life unscathed like nothing happened, while I have had such terrible pain every day.
I wish God would give her what she deserves.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Dec 2012
Member # 16482
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, December 7th (Saturday)

Your feelings are normal. As much as I preach that she didn't hogtie your WH and haul him away kicking and screaming, some parts are hard to overlook. The OW in my case counseled my X all the way through it step by step. Played him like a fiddle. Some days it's hard to forget her part.

I divorced him because I didn't like his girlfriend.
M 30 yrs.

Posts: 9588 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: East of the Rockies
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, December 7th (Saturday)

ow was totally involved in hurting you. Hate is natural, especially this close to D-Day.

You've traumatized. Your thoughts and feelings will be very volatile and very hard to accept, probably for months. Just let them flow without judging yourself, without acting on the thoughts and feelings, and be kind to yourself.

If a hug will help - (((Dyinghere)))

fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10336 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Member # 32165
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, December 7th (Saturday)

I had the hate in the beginning, they knew he was married, knew about me, even stalked me online to see and find out more. It's hard to know someone knows he loves you and actively tries to steal them away while you're trying to start a family after having already miscarried. That's a level of low I'll never understand. But as time went on I felt like they were just pathetic, broken ppl who couldn't have a real relationship with anyone and went after whoever they wanted, at whatever the cost, the crazy one really just because she could and I think for the 'win' rather than him; she wanted my life, to just kick me out of it and step on in for herself. They're sick. It's not normal. It's absolutely devastating to us what they and moreso our spouses did to us, but I don't have anywhere near the revenge fantasies I used to about her/them. I'm more focused on whether or not our relationship can be worked out or not now. They can continue to make the choices that make them who they are, and reap the benefits. Wasted life and no respect from the men they weasel into having sex with. You're better than that.
Sometimes you just have to go through that hate to get to the indifference. The hate comes from the level of hurt inflicted.
Long winded I get it, and hope you move on towards indifference soon. :)

Him WH
"The trick is to keep breathing." - Garbage

Posts: 180 | Registered: May 2011
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, December 7th (Saturday)

Hatred is human and, right now, very understandable. Don''t rag on yourself because you feel this. Feelings are really neither right or wrong, they just are. Acting on the feelings is different. So feel your feelings of hatred until you don''t feel that you need to any more. (((hugs)))

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 4915 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Member # 41313
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, December 7th (Saturday)

I'm just stunned by it. I'm not acting on it. I am a natural peacemaker. Non confrontational. Easygoing. Quiet.

This hatred is so real, it is palpable. I totally despise her.

Posts: 132 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: the inside of my head
Member # 41135
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, December 7th (Saturday)

Right there with you. I hate so many things today and just don't like the feeling. I wish that something horrible will happen to her. I flip between being deeply sad to being raging mad. Hopefully it will start to subside.

Me BW 52, Him WH 48
Married 13 years,
2 DDs (12 and 10)
D-Day Confirmed 10/24/13 suspected before that but did not want to believe it.
WH filed for D 11/12/13
2/8/14 WH asked if he could come home.

Posts: 277 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Midwest
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, December 7th (Saturday)

Sorry to t/j but holy shit Shattered-Heart!! I had the same situation! We were struggling with infertility and multiple miscarriages when the sexting started and had just had DS 7 mos before PA. I can't wrap my head around that!!

Back to the original post, I felt the same for a while. I'm at a place where while I don't wish her harm, I wouldn't mind hearing her BF left her or even better, cheated. Hopefully someday soon I get to a place of indifference.

Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R

Posts: 875 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, December 7th (Saturday)

((Dyinghere)) So normal. Just let yourself feel it - it's part of the healing, part of getting your power and your dignity back. The emotion seems to fade with time and perspective, I think. I have moments and days where I am filled with hatred for her, but mostly I have come to a place of indifference. She is nothing. She doesn't matter at all. If she were hit by a bus today, I wouldn't even happy dance... that's how little I care. Whatever. Cure cancer, get abducted by aliens, get sold into the sex trade - I don't care. She and I have nothing to do with each other - she is not part of my life. My H had an affair with her, I didn't. She doesn't have an invitation to be inside my head.

Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 41286
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, December 7th (Saturday)

Wow, I was only treated as a minor inconvenience in their otherwise perfect life together... and I still can't forgive the OM part in this. He knew all the facts and still poached my wife. I feel deeply for those who have been stalked, invaded, threatened, and openly mocked. May karma be a total unforgiving whore to them all.

Me: 42
WW: 36
Latest D-day: Sept 2013
Reconciling? Limbo?

Posts: 96 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: NE Ohio
Member # 41150
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, December 7th (Saturday)

Well, it IS wintertime.

(See signature line)

Follow your BRAIN.
Your HEART is stupid as shit.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Oct 2013
Member # 40249
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, December 7th (Saturday)

The only way I could survive the mind movies early on was imagining violence against the OM. The anger sometimes overcomes me in my car and I pound on the steering wheel and scream at the top of my lungs. Never acted on any of it. I don't judge myself for the feelings of anger. I think what you are feeling is perfectly healthy and normal. It actually feels good to know that I can feel this level of anger and find appropriate and healthy ways to let it out.

The thing that makes me most angry these days is the thought that my newborn baby girl is around the OM and that my other children will be exposed to the OM when he and my WW become more publicly involved with each other. It makes me physically ill to think about. I'm working on emotionally detaching from that reality because I know I can do nothing about it. The harm that will come to my children from that situation will be my WW's responsibility. Until I achieve that emotional detachment, I sometimes have to deal with breathtakingly intense emotions.

Posts: 80 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: United States
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 1:50 AM, December 8th (Sunday)

I was taught as a child my feelings didn't count. So I never did hate. Boy am I getting over that now.
Big row with fwh this week when he said I should pity OW. (We were talking about why I'm scared of the pathetic whore). I told him I would never get past the point of wanting to see her bleeding to death on the floor in front of me.
Maybe I will but it won't be any time soon.

Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."

Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
Member # 40758
Default  Posted: 2:10 AM, December 8th (Sunday)

Right there with everyone. WH made his own decision, but I know in my situation , ow knew what she was doing. She played innocent, ill listen to you . Your wife is too busy taking care of your kids, house, working, creating a family life. Your wife doesn't hear your needs ,BS .
I , at this point, would love to see her suffer.
And hope she has tragedy in her life. I Am in health care very near her residence, and hope one day she will need my care.

Isn't that awful to think that way. But she thought she could break up someone's life. And my selfish WH fell for her BS!

Posts: 113 | Registered: Sep 2013
Member # 41313
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, December 8th (Sunday)

She deliberately tried to blow up my family. She thought about whether it was right or wrong and decided it was right because they could make each other "happy." She thought it would all turn out great in the end. She wanted to be a stepmom to my children. She said they were meant to be.

Oh, and she is married with 2 children.

It ought to be illegal. Honestly. Some countries stone people for this behavior.

I want to throw a rock or two at her.

Posts: 132 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: the inside of my head
Member # 41433
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, December 8th (Sunday)

I'm there too.
The things I dream of doing to her..well, I'm glad no one can see into my mind.

He left me 18 weeks pregnant with twins for another.I am a Licensed Private even happens to us.

Posts: 354 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Canada
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, December 8th (Sunday)

..I see nothing wrong with a good healthy dose of hate... towards a person who would deliberately invade and destroy the relationship, marriage and family of another.. and do it under a cloak of friendship.

..the OM pretended to be my friend in order to continue contact with my wife over 25 years. His lifetime of deception caught up with his conscience and a big fat brain tumour grew in his perverted head and killed him.

..he is deserving of my hate and contempt. I have no reason to give him any empathy or compassion.

..his widow and 2 fatherless sons now bear the brunt of his actions, as did his now deceased mother and aging father.

..hate is what you get when you seek to destroy another man's life.

my only regret is that I didn't get to beat the shit out of him when I had the chance


[This message edited by somanyyears at 11:05 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)]

trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf

Posts: 4129 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
Member # 23777
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, December 8th (Sunday)

I know and I understand. I wish thw OW would be hit by an 18 wheeler but she is so fat the truck might bounce off.
Know this is normal or the new normal.

[This message edited by selkiescot at 9:11 AM, December 8th (Sunday)]

The truth shall set you free or reveal the name of the OW!
ME 57
WH 64
daughter 27
You give me gifts! I don't want your gifts I want the truth. That's the greatest gift.

Posts: 1400 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: CT
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, December 8th (Sunday)

I completely get it. The hate I feel is very intense and very real. I dream about beating her bloody. I hope she dies of cancer, alone, with no morphine. I hope her children spit on her and her husband leaves her to be with someone who makes him happier than she ever did. I wish her every kind of pain and suffering, and I wish I could see it happen.

My WH has a hard time with this, because he feels like I am really feeling this way about him and just aiming it at her. I am sure there is some truth that, but only some.

Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Kiddos 2,6,8,10
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.

Posts: 512 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
Member # 41535
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, December 8th (Sunday)

Agreed! I find my way to a spin class once in a while just to imagine running her over time and time again. It feels good. My hate for OP tends to always slide into anger toward WP, though. It never just sits on OP, because she wouldn't have mattered if WP hadn't given her the power to matter. It's crazy making!

WS: 39--2 EAs
BS: 39--me, faithful
DS: 6
9 year relationship in R.
DDay #1: September 6, 2013 EA for 5 weeks August 2013.
DDay #2: January 2, 2014 EA for 6 weeks summer 2011.
"I am still learning." -Michelangelo

Posts: 686 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Midwest
Member # 41218
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

There are times when I don't care about OW. If it weren't her it would have been somebody else.

But most of the time I hate her. She fucked my H. She keyed my car. She talked shit about me in her texts and emails.

Last night I was at the Christmas party for WH's current work assignment and I was triggering all over the place, remembering how I danced with OW at WH's Christmas party three years ago, and I had no idea that they had already kissed by that point. Add plenty of booze to the equation and I wasn't very nice.

I told WH that I wish I had knocked her down on that dance floor three years ago and punched her in the face repeatedly.

[This message edited by TheThreeYearFool at 2:54 PM, December 8th (Sunday)]

Me - BW 36
Him - WH 41
Together 12 years, married 7
3 year LTA with former coworker
DDay 10/29/13
He says he wants to R... can I live with what he's done?

Posts: 164 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
Member # 35862
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

I thought about this the other day and realized that I hated what the skank did because it was knowingly done.

The same way I feel disgust at someone who goes in and shoots kids in a school or people in a mall, or someone who blows up a building. They knowingly hurt someone...changed their lives for ever.

What skank did was malicious. H was no angle either, but I see sincere remorse from him. Nothing from the skank.

Me: BS 43
H : WS 46
DD #1 7-11-08
DD#2 8-21-09 same OW, A never ended.
Started R in 12-09
"If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should be able to bench press a Buick."

Posts: 677 | Registered: Jun 2012
New Member
Member # 41550
Default  Posted: 10:10 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

So glad to see that I am not insane.
I know my WH is the one to blame for making the choices he did. But the APs also made choices which directly hurt me and our family.
So I can't tell you how often and in how many ways I've fantasized their demise. It's been therapeutic in so many ways to imagine them hurting even a fraction as much as I do.

Meanwhile, I have also developed a hatred for my WH's FOO. Especially his mother who stood by knowing about the abuse he received from another family member when he was a young child and didn't address this at all. A lot of his crap comes from his mother not being there for him.
Serious mommy issues which I am the lucky one to receive the consequences of.
She had only one job in this world - to take care of her children. Seriously - she had maids, drivers, chefs, etc. The woman didn't have to lift a finger and had no responsibilities but to love her children. She screwed up with both her kids. She then had the audacity to tell me I contributed to my WH's acting out because I wasn't a good enough spouse and I was angry all the time (for him making me feel like shit for months before the actual Dday)!!

I hate her. I truly hate her even more than his APs and prostitutes and everyone else he brought into our marriage.

I told him I do not ever want to see her again or speak to her again. He said ok.
I'm still so angry and disgusted with her that I don't want our daughters to ever see her or be around her selfish toxic environment. I truly feel that I am protecting them. If she couldn't protect her own children, she sure as hell won't have my children's best interest at heart. Luckily she lives in another country and it's expensive/difficult to see her much anyway.
Is it wrong to cut out this toxic woman from my life and that of my sweet daughters? They don't know her well anyway. And I'd like to keep it that way.

me - BS 41
him - WS 45
2DDs - ages 6,9
dday 4/2012, TT thru 10/2012

Posts: 35 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pacific NW
Member # 39242
Default  Posted: 12:36 AM, December 9th (Monday)

What a timely topic. I was just going thru this this am.
I have never hated any body in my life as I feel such hatred now. I was honest with my husband. That every time I find a penny I wish she dies of lung cancer. Every time I look at a clock and it is 617 I wish she dies of lung cancer. Every time I throw a coin in a fountain I wish she dies of lung cancer. I have a voodoo fall I got in NOLA. Yep I stick that black pin in her lung area.
I learned yesterday her mom is ill and had a leg amputated. I was pissed that the karma bus hit the wrong family member. My hope is her mother ends up in one of the rehabs I am a rep in. Yep going to tell her what a whore her dtr is.

I am stronger than the storm.
I take every experience in my life, no matter how horrendous it was, as a learning experience

Posts: 67 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 41150
Default  Posted: 4:40 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

My despair is starting to become a deep, burning hate.

Not so much for OM. Yet. He is not the one who swore to Love, Honor, Cherish.

SHE did.

Last night during the nasty weather, knowing that she is driving an hour and a half to and from work (so she can be with him), I turned on the scanner and PRAYED to hear a report of a one vehicle crash involving a fatality. And I prayed that it would be her.

This isn't me. Or maybe it's the new me. But I want her to die a long, slow, painful, agonizing death.

Completely, and utterly alone.

Follow your BRAIN.
Your HEART is stupid as shit.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Oct 2013
Member # 36422
Default  Posted: 5:09 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

Of course I hate the OMs. Almost everyday I dream of beating the absolute living shit out of them. Unfortunately 2 of them live on the other side of the world. One of them lives in the same city as me though, but we inhabit the same professional work environment. I did see him working once a few months back and it took every bit of self control I had to avoid him and not just smash his head in. Luckily he kept his distance, knowing what I'm capable of, the weak piece of shit. He knows I'd break him in two. It would make my day if I ever hear about any of those c***s dying etc.

[This message edited by Jesu at 5:13 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)]

Me: BSO 39
Her: WSO 29
Together: 9 years
Married?: No
Children?: No
OM: A friend of a friend
DD#1: June 18th 2012
Many more DD after TT
PA#1: 1 week in Nov/Dec 2010, which led to a long distance EA
R: ?

Posts: 608 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Oz
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 5:45 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

I stay in the hate! It is a horrible way to live but I did not volunteer for this . I do agree with most here that the hate is normal. I have hate towards both of them that is unexplainable. But much more towards stbxww. Her piece of shit boyfriend didn't marry me , she did!! Stay in the hate just control it and do not act on it.

"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 676 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
Member # 41313
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, December 12th (Thursday)

I want to stand face to face with her and watch her cower in fear of me.

Posts: 132 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: the inside of my head
Topic Posts: 29