SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: WS feels put out over things I ask him to do
Aspenstrong
Member
Member # 41394
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, December 7th (Saturday)

Right after dday (he came to me) he was so remorseful and compassionate I didn't say it was over- but wait and see. Lately I am having a harder time being around him- his 2 recent porn slips haven't helped. I work and am going to graduate school and this week was an intense deadline week. I told the family it was going to be tough and they would need to step up- meals dishes etc.. He seemed so supportive. This week he did a couple meals and did pick up our son one day and our daughter another as I had an evening commitment. So in his defense he has done things. After my last big deadline and subsisting on little sleep I went to bed early Friday night. He was super put out that I asked him to make sure the kitchen got cleaned up. He ranted about how he really wanted the whole day off to do nothing and how he'd done everything I asked. And since I wasn't happy about the kitchen it discounted everything he'd done and he might as had not done it. I feel so little when he does this and I'm sure it triggers years of him resenting and blaming me. Now I feel nervous asking if he's still going to get the groceries.
Does anyone else's WS get so bent out of shape over little things? Is a pattern of this worth me saying I need better for r? Now he wants us to go do something together because we haven't for a while and it would be fun.
Ugh right now I can't imagine having fun with him.
Thanks for any feedback.
I am not sure how to write my history- years ago we seperated due to escalation of his porn addiction and EA and flirting with the idea of ONS- reconciled
End of oct or first of nov-came to me and confessed ONS- w/massage therapist-
Asked more questions and a few weeks later found out he had 'happy ending' massage in June as well


WS- Came to me and confessed ONS end of Oct 2013
Dec 2013-found out about 1 happy ending massage and various fishing on hookup sites that didn't pan out/
His heart changes and voluntary confession changed things for me... Waiting to see

Posts: 57 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Southwest
Dare2Trust
Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 11:28 PM, December 7th (Saturday)

Aspenstrong,

Your WH (Wayward Husband) has a lot of work to do to FIX THIS MESS he's made - so he doesn't need to be acting out, yelling and complaining about a wee bit of "Kitchen Duty."
Espcially since he KNOWS you are involved with your Graduate Finals and deadlines.

What exactly is your WH doing to address what you believe is his Porn Addiction, and his ONS with the massage therapist?
---Is he seeking counseling/therapy?
---What is your WH doing to help YOU heal from the destruction he's caused in your marriage?

HE made this MESS, and it's his JOB to start FIXING everything he's broken.
Perhaps it time for you to set some firm boudaries with your husband - starting with: Not being afraid to ask for support and help around the home, especially when you are engrossed with Final and Deadlines with your graduate studies.

I'm sincerely sorry for the pain and turmoil you're going through.


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6113 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
Blobette
Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, December 8th (Sunday)

He's demonstrating a continuation of the Wayward mindset -- entitlement and lack of empathy. He doesn't get it. It's not about accumulating enough brownie points to be able to say, "I did my bit." It's about helping you to achieve your goal -- passing your finals. One is following the letter of the law/agreement between the two of you, the other is following the SPIRIT of that agreement, which is that PARTNERS SUPPORT EACH OTHER in times of difficulty. They don't whinge and moan about how hard it is, giving you additional stress. The whinging and moaning is an effort to deter you from making demands, and clearly he's been successful. Bottom line: it's all about him.

What you choose to do about this is another story. Sounds like you two have been working on this a long time, with little success. You may need a different strategy.


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1051 | Registered: Aug 2012
FeelingSoMuch
Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, December 8th (Sunday)

This sounds exactly like the behaviour of my WW. Blobette articulated it well when she suggested this behaviour can be described as entitlement and lack of empathy.

I can't offer any suggestions as I haven't figured out how to deal with WW's behaviour. We're continuing IC and MC. They seem to be helping.

Stay strong.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 508 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

And since I wasn't happy about the kitchen it discounted everything he'd done and he might as had not done it. I feel so little when he does this and I'm sure it triggers years of him resenting and blaming me. Now I feel nervous asking if he's still going to get the groceries.

It sounds like a problem in the kitchen resulted in discounting the other things he did around the house. Did you do the discounting, or did he?

If you did, how did you express your dissatisfaction with what he did/didn't do in the kitchen?

If he did the discounting (which I suspect is the case), he really needs to get into IC with a good C. He may build up resentments, but only he can fix that.

You might be able to reduce some of the tension by discussing who does each task and writing down your agreements. That way, his commitments are explicit and impossible to hide from, and you can always say, 'You agreed to do these things, and I don't want to see a long face.' But ultimately he's the one who has to decide to pull his weight without getting angry at you.

BTW, are household tasks deal breakers for you? If they are, it's probably easier to get his commitment to do them.

[This message edited by sisoon at 12:40 PM, December 8th (Sunday)]


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9773 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Aspenstrong
Member
Member # 41394
Default  Posted: 1:26 AM, December 9th (Monday)

I felt like he interpreted my displeasure over the kitchen as discounting everything. Resenting me is a big issue for him and he is working on it. I have been talking with him and saying things need to be very different. I haven't listed household things as part because I don't know...
But I have talked how he can't go back to resenting me and treating me badly. We had a good talk yesterday and he was surprised how badly I felt and he was apologetic.
Interestingly he offered to do my teenage sons extra work this week and my son said only if you won't hold it against me later and be upset that you did all these things for me and you didn't get the break you wanted. Sad- my kids feel it to. WH just said give a guy a break when he's trying to do something nice- I just won't do it and son said fine. He doesn't get it.
Still I see progress- he's trying and he did listen to me.
And when I (embarrassingly in tears) asked about the groceries he was genuinely sorry he'd forgotten and soon went to the store to get them. That was nice.
I told him when he resents me or gets put out over a little thing it makes me feel like I matter so little to him and right now I am really struggling to feel like I truly matter to him so these responses are even more hurtful right now.
The house stuff is triggering to me too because it was right before he almost ruined our marriage years ago that he stopped doing anything around the house- he was a post grad student and I was a sahm


WS- Came to me and confessed ONS end of Oct 2013
Dec 2013-found out about 1 happy ending massage and various fishing on hookup sites that didn't pan out/
His heart changes and voluntary confession changed things for me... Waiting to see

Posts: 57 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Southwest
Aspenstrong
Member
Member # 41394
Default  Posted: 1:37 AM, December 9th (Monday)

Continued (accidentally pushed reply) we had 3 little kids and I was there and wanted to support him. But I think I should've asked a little more from him- I think I did us both a disservice as he acts like its a huge sacrifice to load a dishwasher and sometimes I feel like he thinks it's beneath him to do household chores.
Anyways I told him also that when he takes the time to do something for me like the dishes it makes me feel cared for.
I think tomorrow while I'm at my night class I'll leave a list- please feed the kids and see that the kitchen gets cleaned up . (he really just needs to supervise the kids doing their jobs) so hopefully he won't feel too put out.
Early in our marriage (18 years) I was naggy and didn't realize I needed to express gratitude but that has been a long time and I generally err on not saying anything about his lack of participation instead of saying too much as it became too heated. So there's some history there too.


WS- Came to me and confessed ONS end of Oct 2013
Dec 2013-found out about 1 happy ending massage and various fishing on hookup sites that didn't pan out/
His heart changes and voluntary confession changed things for me... Waiting to see

Posts: 57 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Southwest
plainpain
Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 2:52 AM, December 9th (Monday)

Interestingly he offered to do my teenage sons extra work this week and my son said only if you won't hold it against me later and be upset that you did all these things for me and you didn't get the break you wanted. Sad- my kids feel it to. WH just said give a guy a break when he's trying to do something nice- I just won't do it and son said fine. He doesn't get it.

Not saying this is your situations, but this sounds a lot like something my H used to do - volunteer to do stuff nobody needed or wanted him to do, do it for a bit (badly), get 'fired' from 'helping' or stomp off in frustration over something, then take credit for having done it or having been willing to do it, and then complain about not getting enough APPRECIATION. Oh my gosh, if I had a dollar for every time my H said he felt 'unappreciated'. We could have said thank you, thank you, thank you a million times, and it would not have been enough.

He would offer to make lunch, put some water on, throw in some pasta, then go do some things and ask me to 'watch it'. He'd make a sauce - ask me to just brown the meat for him while he did a few things - then he'd open some cans, throw in some seasonings, and let it simmer. He'd ask me to help out by making a salad. And if I didn't set the table, he'd get very annoyed - like I was just letting him do all the work. He wouldn't clear the table or do dishes EVER. And then he would spend the rest of the day reminding us in little ways that he had MADE LUNCH, and we would have to repeatedly assure him that it was REALLY GOOD and that we all REALLY APPRECIATED IT.

He's worked through a lot of behavioral patterns since then, passive aggressive stuff, blame-shifting, etc. I'm still working through some issues, too. Abusers find enablers, I guess. I spent a lot of time 'empathizing' with him, defending him, making excuses and justifications for him. Bottom line, he was an ass.

Participating in the responsibilities of the home where you live should not be regarded as doing you some kind of favor. It is healthy adult behavior. He is a husband and a father, and he wants to have the whole day off to do nothing?? Ok. Let me know how that's done, I want that, too.

I agree with this:

He's demonstrating a continuation of the Wayward mindset -- entitlement and lack of empathy. He doesn't get it. It's not about accumulating enough brownie points to be able to say, "I did my bit." It's about helping you to achieve your goal -- passing your finals. One is following the letter of the law/agreement between the two of you, the other is following the SPIRIT of that agreement, which is that PARTNERS SUPPORT EACH OTHER in times of difficulty. They don't whinge and moan about how hard it is, giving you additional stress. The whinging and moaning is an effort to deter you from making demands, and clearly he's been successful. Bottom line: it's all about him.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 774 | Registered: Jul 2013
plainpain
Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 2:52 AM, December 9th (Monday)

Oops, double post.

[This message edited by plainpain at 2:53 AM, December 9th (Monday)]


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 774 | Registered: Jul 2013
Aspenstrong
Member
Member # 41394
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, December 9th (Monday)

In this area I don't really know what is reasonable expectations all the time but I was feeling pretty let down this week. If I say I need you to be willing and to do more around the house - he might counter that he needs me to come work at his office and I'm not going to do that.
I hate the message it gives to the kids but if we start fighting over it- then that might be worse.
Years ago I did stop doing his laundry - the good thing about him being in a different room right now is I don't feel encroached upon by his laundry all over the floor in shared space.
As we are seeking reconciliation how can I bring up this issue- clearly without being viewed as unreasonable and demanding? What is reasonable?
Believe it or not we started out with different dynamics- more shared, but halfway through during his grad school it morphed into this and hasn't changed.
He hasn't wanted me to go back to school but since dday is much more supportive.
Thanks


WS- Came to me and confessed ONS end of Oct 2013
Dec 2013-found out about 1 happy ending massage and various fishing on hookup sites that didn't pan out/
His heart changes and voluntary confession changed things for me... Waiting to see

Posts: 57 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Southwest
heforgotme
Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)

Does anyone else's WS get so bent out of shape over little things?

This is how FWH would act BEFORE DDay. Ever since then he goes out of his way to be helpful. I never demanded it as part of R, but he came to the realization that he was very lazy (his word) before and determined that that was one of the things he needed to change. So, I think for him it's part of his self-improvement program with a side benefit of making me happy too.

Is a pattern of this worth me saying I need better for r?

I think so, but obviously that's up to you. It kind of appears to me that he is trying to make a minimal effort at a time when he should be going all out.

You had a very hard week and his focus should have been on doing everything he could to make it easier for you. Not doing the minimum and then expecting a pat on the head.

Still I see progress- he's trying and he did listen to me.

Forward momentum is the goal and everyone does this at a different speed, so maybe he's just a little bit of a late bloomer?? Just make sure you are seeing true progress/change and not a minimal effort to appease you.


I think tomorrow while I'm at my night class I'll leave a list- please feed the kids and see that the kitchen gets cleaned up .

That sounds like a good plan, but I would make it a goal for him to eventually be more independent in this respect. I would want him to become a PARTNER, not just someone who "helps out". Everyone needs a reminder now and then, but if you have to do it all the time it fosters a parent/child type of relationship rather than a partnership.

Good luck.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1067 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
Aspenstrong
Member
Member # 41394
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)

I type on a small phone and have a hard time going back to the messages while responding so I'm paraphrasing instead of cutting and pasting. I empathized with your stories. I also felt some hope that this changed with one of the ladies as her h improved in this area in his recovery.
I agree that leaving a list is still more lopsided in the dynamics but it is a way for me to express a need in a clear not easily misunderstood way and a way for me to not be accused of nagging.
Next semester is my big one so hopefully I will feel more support from him.
When we talk and he asks what he can do for me I'm going to say its important for me to feel like we're partners in the home. I would like you to take more responsibility at home especially during my graduate work. This helps me feel valued and loved.
While I'm frustrated I have to say he' was much much worse a while back. Once when he opened the fridge something spilled and he got disgusted and walked away. I asked aren't you going to clean that up and he said no- I'm not the one who didn't close the lid. He left and my jaw dropped. Our kids were fairly young and maybe one of them did this? It doesn't really matter but oh my I felt like I was marginalized and this task - therefore me was beneath him.
When I dated him I was so impressed that he always did the dishes if people would let him- wether we were eating at my relatives or his. He was thoughtful and considerate in this way. Maybe he just enjoyed the praise? Maybe it's not the same if someone expects it of you.
Thanks for your responses- I will be thinking this through as I'm trying to figure out what I need from him in reconciliation. I guess part of me thinks he might choose not to reconcile if this is part of it- but yowch that really would mean he doesn't value me that much. Another part of me wonders if it is unreasonable or if he'll just resent me and it's not worth it. Or am I hoping for too much?


WS- Came to me and confessed ONS end of Oct 2013
Dec 2013-found out about 1 happy ending massage and various fishing on hookup sites that didn't pan out/
His heart changes and voluntary confession changed things for me... Waiting to see

Posts: 57 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Southwest
Topic Posts: 12