User Topic: Am I the only one here sad about divorving?
Member # 41441
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, December 7th (Saturday)

I see so many here happy to have their divorce final and I suppose at the time I was too. But a year out and having lost so much and totally alone in a new state I am not rejoicing...I am in fact still in grief; sadness and depression. Just wondered if I am the only one who still feels this intense sadness a year later?

Me: Divorced 2012
I know that when I truly love & honor myself I am at my best & most complete; and I will never settle for anything less from myself or from anyone else ever again!

Posts: 336 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Have not decided where to land yet!
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, December 7th (Saturday)


When you say that you are totally alone in a new state, do you mean just that you don't have a SO or that you also don't have friends/family?

I'd imagine that if I didn't have a support system, I'd still be mourning my marriage, romanticizing things, and stuck in a rut.

Can you do things to start building a fabulous life for yourself?

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

Posts: 3402 | Registered: Dec 2011
Member # 40564
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, December 7th (Saturday)

Hugs Jersey. ((Jersey))

I'm a little different than you because I wasn't married to my partner. But, I can tell you that I am very, very sad about the split. Grief, depression - absolutely. I'm moving into my own apartment for what is really the first time, and I cried all morning, surrounded by what were our joint possessions in an unfamiliar, quiet and cold place.

I sometimes feel the same way you do about this forum, that everyone is just dealing with the complications of life after the divorce but not so much the emotions of the divorce itself. But I think there are people like you and I out there, too. I'm here, anyway.

What I try to take from this feeling that other's aren't sad is that maybe I might get there too. I'm not there now. Sometimes I go to JFO because there are folks there who are more in-line with how I still feel, although that can be pretty intense as well.

I think though, that one thing about this process is how isolating it feels. On and off-line, we all feel like we don't fit in - something about our story makes us feel like an outsider. That's just another horrible byproduct of the ordeal of our broken relationships. And it's just not true. No matter what stage we're at or what our backstory, we all belong here, and we all get each other, and that's why SI is such a fantastic place.

Posts: 117 | Registered: Sep 2013
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, December 7th (Saturday)

I sometimes feel the same way you do about this forum, that everyone is just dealing with the complications of life after the divorce but not so much the emotions of the divorce itself.

Just FYI, I am one of many here who are dealing with the emotions of the divorce via YEARS of IC. YEARS. If you truly think people here are not dealing with their emotions, it must be because you're relatively new to this forum. (((HUGS)))

Many of us here are getting out of/just got out of horribly abusive marriages. You can't really blame us for rejoicing.

Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011

Posts: 9819 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Member # 41441
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, December 7th (Saturday)

To phmh--yes afraid so. Very alone except moved in with 90 year old mother with dementia to help her. My exWH would not stop harassing me and left when they found a lump in my breast. Divorce cost me the loss of insurance...our state goes before a MESP panel of judges and they with nothing going for me I moved to where my last family member is...still no job and no insurance. I feel the only thing he did not take from me was my life and some people from back home thought I did die because his first ex wife just died in Nov and some thought it was me.

Me: Divorced 2012
I know that when I truly love & honor myself I am at my best & most complete; and I will never settle for anything less from myself or from anyone else ever again!

Posts: 336 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Have not decided where to land yet!
Member # 41441
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, December 7th (Saturday)

To Artemisia--thank you..
Helping me realize I am not alone when people such as yourself going through the same thing and willing to reach out with your kind words

Me: Divorced 2012
I know that when I truly love & honor myself I am at my best & most complete; and I will never settle for anything less from myself or from anyone else ever again!

Posts: 336 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Have not decided where to land yet!
Member # 41441
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, December 7th (Saturday)

To NatureGirl--I did not mean to infer that those not dealing with emotions are in any way less hurting..just wondered why my depression is getting worse...I truly sorry if I offended anyone

Me: Divorced 2012
I know that when I truly love & honor myself I am at my best & most complete; and I will never settle for anything less from myself or from anyone else ever again!

Posts: 336 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Have not decided where to land yet!
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, December 7th (Saturday)

I'm not offended at all, and actually it wasn't your words I quoted. I wanted to point out to Artemesia that allowing oneself to think that "everyone" here is not dealing with their emotions isn't an accurate assessment of this forum. I think anyone who spends even just a little bit of time reading the threads here will see an overwhelming ocean of emotions, including sadness.

I did not get married with the intention of divorcing. I did not "WANT" to get divorced, and indeed stayed in the marriage for years, allowing myself & my children to be damaged because I didn't want to get divorced. In the end, though, divorce was the only way to get myself & my children away from an abusive, character disordered person. So in the end, yes, I "wanted" to get divorced because I "wanted" to save myself and my children. So yes, I'm thrilled to be divorced. I fought hard for this divorce and have paid dearly for it.

But because I refuse to remain a victim of my ex's abuse, I refuse to stay sad. I will not be sad the rest of my life because of him. He's not going to ruin my life or the lives of my children. I won't let him. Divorce is my second chance at life. I won't be sad that I have a second chance at life.

Cowgirl, I'm wondering if your sadness is letting you know that you need to take a little more action in starting your life over? Is that possible?

Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011

Posts: 9819 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, December 7th (Saturday)

Can you find something to do that gets you out of the house and interacting with people?

I've met some of my closest friends through volunteering -- this has the extra benefit of helping you to feel good about yourself because you're contributing to a cause you care about. I just read this article yesterday, and have found many of the tips to help me.

You definitely need to feel the sadness and get through the pain. I was there and remember that. However, after a year, it's definitely time to start living for you and building up a support system so that you surround yourself with good, helpful, moral people.

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

Posts: 3402 | Registered: Dec 2011
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, December 7th (Saturday)

JC, I can tell you that I never wanted a divorce, I didn't want my husband to cheat, lie and treat myself and our children terribly either. That was my choice, divorce or stay married and allow his behavior to continue to effect myself and the children. I was sad, melancholy and grieving for a long,long time. It has just been in the few months that I have begun to feel that this was the best choice for me. I believe that I had to divorce him, not that I wanted to, I had to in order to find myself again. I had lost so much of me in the marriage and motherhood. I lost so much of me in his drama. I needed to recognize and validate myself to me. I have immense happiness in my life now. Not everything is perfect, I struggle financially and a worry constantly about raising a boy with no active father in his life. I am happy to be on my journey towards a better me and a better life for both myself and my boy. I feel nothing for my xWH other than pity, I do wish him happiness and I hope he will find some peace some day. I don't believe that he has but who am I to say. It takes time JC, you will find that everyone has a different timeline and a different place to get to.

Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1777 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
Member # 29183
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, December 7th (Saturday)

I was very sad to divorce, raise my children alone, not share my life with anyone, and feel like my finances will be vulnerable for years and years. Divorce came 2.5 years after dday and I was relieved it was over as I felt WXH had just turned my marriage into a mockery. The day before it was final, I sobbed and sobbed.

But in the 4.5 years since dday, although I'm sad about being divorced and still have small jags of depression, I am NOT sad that WXH is gone. I think it's okay to be happy you're not with an abuser/cheater/loser and still be sad about divorce.

3 amazing kidlets
To WXH "Now you're just somebody that I used to know."
D-day and separation - June, 2009
Divorced - December, 2011

Posts: 2524 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: A better place
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, December 7th (Saturday)

JerseyCowgirl, you are not alone.

There is a large part of me that still cannot believe this is my life. I'm still in survival mode and every legal interaction with the divorce throws me for an emotional loop. I am still very much grieving for the loss of my husband, my marriage, my family unit, and my best friend.

I'm focusing on putting one foot in front of the other, one day at a time. Part of that process is focusing on the details and logistics of the divorce process. I don't think I'll every really be 'happy' about the divorce, but I know I'm doing the right thing and hope to accept it someday.

I have to focus on finding the silver linings to this storm cloud, otherwise I'll fall back into that black hole of depression. I'm doing everything I can to pull out of this tail spin, and it's not easy. I'm taking anti-depressants, hopitalized myself for my depression, and have moved the kids and I in with my parents. I can't imagine making it through this hell without the love and support of my family and friends.

If I were in Jersey, I'd take you out for some coffee and chocolate. Maybe a new book or action movie with popcorn and candy. We could bake a TON of Christmas Cookies and listen to Carols.

Pamper yourself and do whatever comforts you most. We DO understand how much this sucks. ((hugs))

Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.

Posts: 1859 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, December 7th (Saturday)

Hey JC, dealing with an elder with dementia is a HUGE stressor in and of itself. It's no wonder you're not feeling any relief.

Please give yourself a big hug and a pat on the back for helping your mother.

You deserve a break and I hope you have someone who can help you get one.

DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17488 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Grace and Flowers
Member # 34431
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, December 7th (Saturday)

I was one of those who didn't want "congratulations" when I divorced. Or cheers, or high fives, or anything. It was a death, to me. Something to grieve. One of the saddest times of my life.

Even though it was absolutely the best, right, and only thng to do.

It's a grieving process. It's a loss. You WILL get through it. It seems to be taking me longer than others, but I know I'll get there. You will too.

I'm Happy, not Sad!

Posts: 1174 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: US
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, December 7th (Saturday)

I was devastated to divorce. He didn't show to the divorce proceedings and I sobbed and sobbed in the courtroom. My friend took me out afterwards to "celebrate" and I felt so empty and raw. A year later I was still a sobbing, depressed, mess. It's now almost 2 years after divorce, 3 1/2 years past the day he left and I am just now starting to feel human again. Just starting. I am still severely scarred. I have not been able to date because of trust issues. I have developed social phobias that I never had before. I still have a long way to go but I've also come a long way. And so will you.

“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, December 7th (Saturday)

I'm nearly 4 years out and I still get sad that this is how things ended up. I would've liked a chance at R, but that was not what he wanted.

I would have liked a remorseful WS, who would have done anything to repair the damage, but that wasn't who he was. For that, I am okay with the fact that splitting up was inevitable - I could nor bear to be with him if he wasn't going to change.

But I am still sad about the fact that he was willing to walk away so easily.

Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2253 | Registered: Feb 2010
Member # 40564
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, December 7th (Saturday)


Hey NG - did not mean to sweep the group into the "everyone" clause and I'm sorry that I did that. Just wanted to say to Jersey that this post really resonated with me in terms of where I'm at. Your post was a good reminder to me that we're all at slightly different points along this journey. Hugs to you all.

Posts: 117 | Registered: Sep 2013
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, December 7th (Saturday)

OMG yeah I am SOOOOO sad I am not going to be part of a complete family anymore. I am devastated that despite my years of effort and sacrifice we have failed anyway because he has refused to put in the effort to stop being a verbally abusive serial cheater. I would give just about anything to not be divorcing. Anything except accepting a verbally abusive serial cheater permanently as my husband. That is where the happiness comes from that surges in between the sadness. The hope that I will one day soon not be walking on eggshells and about to discover a new OW at any moment. It already feels great to not have to care whether he''s with another woman or not! Even though it''s depressing. Does that make any sense?

Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!

Posts: 942 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 5:49 AM, December 8th (Sunday)

I think there are some situations that are harder or more challenging than others.

Some of us make lemons out of lemonade.

Some of us were so desperately unhappy in those Ms that even the horrors of S/D are bliss by comparison.

I don't know how to articulate this but when I'm in a difficult place I ask myself "would this still feel shit if I were still in that relationship?". The answer has always been a resounding YES - it would feel worse, actually. I don't mean had the betrayals never happened - I mean in still IN that relationship.

He didn't improve my life one little bit. The love-bombing was intoxicating but it came with a tax. A tax I ignored for the better part of a decade. Any joys I had during that relationship were all my doing. Either my sunny disposition or gas lighting the shit out of myself.

I'm not happy to have found myself in this position? Not one bit. I thought I would die in his arms or him in mine.

My life is is infinitely better in every conceivable way than when I was in that relationship. Even the hard times are easier to handle without having to cope with his neuroses.

I do wish he was the man I thought I loved, married and had children with. Even if we did end up divorcing because of our patent incompatibility it would have been nice to walk away with love. It would be nice to co-parent with someone I admired and respected. I think it would have been nice for my girls too.

Unfortunately I'm not in this with a decent human being. Parallel parenting and re-parenting is the best I can hope for. That is my lemons out of lemonade.

I still mourn the M I thought I was going to have. Its a pensive sadness though, not a wistful one. I also mourn how very wrong I was. That sadness tends to be sharper. That is the place I generally post from here.

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, December 8th (Sunday)


I am divorcing who I thought was the love of my life. It is,the single most traumatic thing I've ever experienced. To say I am sad is a dramatic understatement. I did not want to divorce. She said she didn't either. But I had to: she would not change. She would not even try. This is not the life I wanted, and is still can't believe it is happening. But it is, and that is the reality. I am grieving. But I am better. And I will continue to be better because I KNOW it is the right thing to do.

When the divorce is over I will grieve some more as I heap sod over the grave of my marriage and the life I loved and assumed I would always have. But a new life awaits, and a better me will embrace it: that me is a stronger man, a more dignified man. I will reach happiness, and so will you.

Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

Posts: 1626 | Registered: Dec 2012
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, December 8th (Sunday)

I was incredibly sad. I couldn't believe it was happening and that he never even gave us a chance. He ran like a coward and left me to pick up all the pieces, and file for divorce. He didn't do one bit of work to legally end the marriage. The fact that he had moved out, flaunted his OW all over town, took her on a vacation while we were still married was one more slap in the face. His life wasn't going to change whether we stayed married or not so he chose to let me handle it all, as usual.

I am still sometimes sad and he's been gone for more than three years. I never believed he would ever choose to hurt and betray me and our kids like that. I honestly didn't see it coming and still work to process it.

Everyone is different and we all process things differently. We all have gone through a similar journey, but sometimes the big facts are different. Sometimes, the most recent A wasn't the only one and the BS is just done. Sometimes, there has been many years of other kinds of mistreatment or abuse in the M and the A is the thing that just pushes the BS over the edge.

I didn't have that. My ex was a wolf in sheeps clothing so all of this came right out of left field. It seemed like overnight he turned from a loving, caring spouse to a cruel, heartless bastard who could have cared less if I sucked on the end of a pistol. Because of that, I knew it would take me a long, long time to heal. I know myself. While we all hurt in this forum, I do believe some of us have an easier time letting certain things roll off their backs. Some of us have an easier time saying and meaning it when they say "fuck that guy/girl.". I often envy the people who can do that. I just had a harder time. But, the good news is that it has gotten better and continues to get better all the time. Although this was not how I saw my path, I see now that he wasn't meant to be a part of me forever. The sadness is lifting and hope is coming back.

You'll get there.

BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2839 | Registered: Jan 2011
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, December 8th (Sunday)

I am very sad that I had to get a divorce. XH didn't even try to reconcile... he didn't want to let his girlfriend go. But I got married (exactly a year ago) and divorced all in one year so it was basically very fast from start to end. I am just happy that I learned so much... I know now about infidelity and what to do just in case if this happens to me in the future.

Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 640 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
Member # 23266
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, December 8th (Sunday)

I, too, am so very sad it came to divorce. I fought so long and so hard for our M, but the pain and suffering of 5+ ddays became too much to bear. WH said he wanted R, but he didn't have his heart in it. So often my need for kindness and understanding was met with defensiveness and contempt. So I detached and emotionally walled myself off from him. Our in-house separation is hard on my heart, and I look forward to the day our D becomes final.

I, too, reluctantly turned to divorce, but I learned the hard way it was my only viable option.

Me: BS, 56
Him: WH, 50
5+ DDAYS; 10+ OW
Two sons, 16 & 18
M 19 yrs - detaching to divorce
In-house Separation since 7/2012

Posts: 393 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: California
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

I was not happy. Even though he was disgusting, I felt like shit.

When I got the final paperwork packet in the mail, stating that I was divorced for good, I felt like I had been hit by a truck. I laid on the couch for a good part of the day, then I went up to Soc Sec office and the DVM and changed my name. I wanted no part of having that piece of shit's last name. But I still felt like shit.

D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.

Posts: 3390 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, December 9th (Monday)

I am terribly sad. He was my best friend. My partner. Even though we are civil and amicable, I am torn up and don't expect it to really get any better except with time.

Sending you a PM.

Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 605 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, December 9th (Monday)

I'm not happy about divorcing. I'm working hard to just have some semblence of happy after my entire life came crashing down.
I have loved my H for over 20 years. We have been together, this time, for almost 10 years.
In not one of my posts have I rejoiced for his betrayal or our subsequent D.
He left me for her. He threw me away like I was discarded trash.
I'm still working through how a human being treats another human being so horribly when that person has been nothing but good to them.
He was emotionally abusive after he started his A. I've been dealing with a real asswhole for 3 years now. DD only made him worse.
He won't even consider R. He completely disrespected me, so, yes, I'm happy that I am not that same, pathetic person that wished for him to choose me over her.
I am healthy enough to realize that I should never have had to compete for my own H.
When our D is final, I will be melancholy or outright depressed when our D is final.
But, everyday, I work at not letting his brokenness break me too! I put a smile on my face and fake it til I make it.
I love the holidays, so right now it is a little easeir. When all the Christmas cheer is gone, and I have no more festive lights to cheer me up, I fear I may come crashing down.
M is forever, so D is like a tragic D of something I honored and cherished and he crushed and threw away so callously.

I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2326 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
Member # 23989
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, December 9th (Monday)


This is still fresh for you Jersey and everyone deals with these things differently.

I was married for 25+ years to an emotionally abusive, controlling, manipulative man. I was so co-dependent that he didn't even have to say anything to me - he could just give me a look and I would know what my particular failure was at that moment. I was totally wrapped up in the reality that he projected for me. Even with everything that he was doing, I didn't want a divorce. I loved him desperately and that was part of the problem. In my marriage, both of us always loved him more than either of us ever loved me. I was fighting to keep my marriage intact. I don't know where I found the strength to finally file for divorce, but I did. And, even then, I would have stopped the process and reconciled if he had even attempted to correct some of his issues.

I mourned my marriage. I mourned the life that I thought I had signed up for. I mourned the youth that I wasted on an undeserving man. I dealt with my feelings of failure. I dealt with my feelings of religous failure (I never knew how Catholic I was until I decided to file for divorce!). I dealt with admitting and accepting the emotional abuse that I lived with for so many years. I dealt with the shame for what I had done to appease him. The divorce from hell lasted so long that I was able to completely mourn those losses. When it was finalized, I was able to CHEER! But, I was cheering the end of the legal battle, not the death of a marriage. I was cheering my freedom from the oppression that was my marriage.

I still miss being married. But I don't miss him. I still miss having his side of the family. But I don't miss him. I still miss the financial security, the intact family unit, the millions of little things that help make up a life with someone...but I don't miss him.

Good does get easier.

Me - happily single
Him - no longer matters
Married 28 yrs
Filed for D 1/10

Tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic.

Posts: 1740 | Registered: May 2009 | From: East Coast
Topic Posts: 27