User Topic: Where is the...
Member # 41347
Question  Posted: 11:28 AM, December 8th (Sunday)

Where is the Remorse?

DDAY 1 - 10/26/2013
DDAY 2 - 11/05/2013

When will my WW start showing remorse?

When did your WS start showing remorse?

Are WW and WH different when dealing with Remorse?

Lately, everything feels like she is trying to manipulate me into this and that.

I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, December 8th (Sunday)

Each individual is different. My WS never really showed any continuing remorse. It was a show to hook me into trying but then she'd revert to no remorse. So unfortunately I can't give you a time frame. All you can really do is try to work on healing yourself and hope she comes around. Do put in boundaries and if she continually crosses them you'll know where her mind is and can react accordingly


Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.

Posts: 52599 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, December 8th (Sunday)

Mine started showing remorse when she hit rock bottom. She realized that no matter how she spun it, she was responsible for what she did. She built up from there.

FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live

Posts: 37384 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
Grace and Flowers
Member # 34431
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

What Moo said. Everyone is different.

Mine never showed remorse. Said he was sorry he hurt me, not sorry he had the affair. Still feels that way several years later, which is why we are divorced. It was clear his words meant nothing, when compared to his actions. Go with you gut.

I'm Happy, not Sad!

Posts: 1174 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: US
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

My WH was apologizing and asking for another chance the day I found out, but didn't start to own his actions without " but you weren't giving me enough attention" until a month and a half or so after Dday.

The first time he apologized for " his horrible choices" vs. his" mistake" was, for me, the beginning of real remorse.

Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Kiddos 2,6,8,10
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.

Posts: 512 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

She may not EVER become remorseful......

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

Posts: 8078 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

If there is no Remorse than there can never be reconciliation.... I assume.

I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

Sadly, your assumption is 100% correct. There is no true reconciliation without real remorse. Otherwise, it's just rug sweeping on a monumental level and a matter of time before it happens again.

My ex has never showed an ounce of remorse. He shows signs of guilt and shame, but he's never come close to remorse. He's a selfish coward who avoids confrontation and responsibility like its his job.

BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2840 | Registered: Jan 2011
Member # 40779
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

My husband has hit true remorse within the last month. We rarely even talk about the ONS anymore but when we do I know he gets it. He has never been an emotional guy, therefore he has never cried in front of me about his poor choice. He doesn't tell me he is sorry flat out. He does other things now. He holds me when we go to bed (hasn't done that in over 10 years), he looks at me when he talks to me, he actually starts conversations with me, he holds my hand now(didn't do that either for years). I think they all show their remorse in different ways. You just have to look. Sometimes you might just miss it because it might be so small but such a big step for your relationship. I am never going to have the husband that apologizes every day or even cries, but he does show it in other ways. Heck even picking our kid up at school or daycare gets me excited now! He told me the other night that he thinks he knows how I feel about all of this after I asked him if he did indeed understand. Then he thought and said " I think I do, but I guess I can't really know exactly how you feel" I was so proud of him that he actually stopped and put himself in my shoes for a minute! Sometimes actions speak louder then words. He caught me snooping on his phone the other night (I look when he is not around I don't want him to think I. Don't trust him at all) and he called me on it. I told him that I will probably always do it now. He told me that was fine he had nothing to hide, but I should just tell him I want to look at his phone. Not to go around hiding it. Another big step! We have huge communication issues that we are both working on. Made me really start to see that indded this man made a terrible choice to have a ONS but this event is not who he IS. I hope you can look and see some action or gesture that resembles remorse.

BW 40 (me)
WH 40
DDay 1 07/31/13 ONS with horseface
DDay 2 05/09/14 inappropriate texts to another woman (not returned)
I live a real life fairy tale. I married prince charming. He kissed a troll. He turned into a frog.

Posts: 207 | Registered: Sep 2013
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

My W showed what I thought was remorse from the moment she confessed. I don't think she considers herself properly remorseful yet...which is probably another indication that she is.

But statistics don't say anything about any specific case. It's important for you to recognize whether or not your W is remorseful, but the fact that she isn't now doesn't mean she'll always be unremorseful. Each case really is unique.

But...what would indicate remorse to you?

For me, it was my W's decision to go NC immediately, to answer painful questions honestly, to come clean, to take confrontations in MC and IC and work to change herself, to commit unilaterally to do her part of R with no promises from me. (I agreed only to work on our M.)

fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10352 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Member # 41347
Exclaimation  Posted: 1:22 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

I hope you can look and see some action or gesture that resembles remorse.

I am looking but I am not seeing it...first off, she is living with her parents right now, and communication is very minimum. She doesn't know I been monitoring her FaceBook posts and even those have no indication of remorse.

I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

Didn't you just see texts from her yesterday saying she loves the OM and he loves her?

I saw remorse in my wife very early. Even before I saw consistent honesty. Remorse is the incentive to change for the better - without that she's just the same person who has been abusing you.

"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7477 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

Didn't you just see texts from her yesterday saying she loves the OM and he loves her?

Those texts were from the days were from the next day everything came out. Months later and I don't see any remorse, maybe because out of anger I made the statement that I would kill her...

I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

Months later and I don't see any remorse, maybe because out of anger I made the statement that I would kill her...
Maybe. But I think it's more likely you don't see it because she doesn't feel it.


[This message edited by nowiknow23 at 2:10 PM, December 8th (Sunday)]

You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana

Posts: 25726 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

Your probably right... She is no longer the woman I married, that I love...

I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

Your probably right... She is no longer the woman I married, that I love...

I'm so sorry. My XWH never showed any remorse. He left almost immediately and has been living with OW ever since. His actions showed very clearly that not only was he no longer the man I married, but that he was probably never that man at all.

Please, as others have said, listen to your gut, believe her actions, and give very little weight to her words. She's been lying to you for awhile now; changing her habit now would take a tremendous amount of effort. Do you see that kind of effort being put in?

Please also keep in mind that "guilt" and "remorse" are two very different things. Don't let her show you one and try to convince you that it's the other.

Guilt: pain over how her actions have made HER feel

Remorse: pain over how her actions have made YOU feel


Be strong.

Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin

Posts: 914 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
Member # 36422
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

My WSO showed the first stages of "remorse" straight away:

*Apologised and admitted that what she had done was wrong and completely her fault.

*Committed to me straight away, said she loved me, wanted to work things out with me and stay together.

*Initiated NC with OM immediately. Blocked him from FB etc.

* Took the initiative and gave me immediate access to her phone, online accounts etc, gave me all the passwords.

*Wanted counselling immediately

*Was open discussing the details of the A, and wrote me a Timeline.

...of course she continued to lie to me and keep from me a lot of the details of the A for 6 months after DD. The Timeline she gave me was not complete, as their were many more sexual encounters than what she initially admitted to, as well as multiple OM. She also lied about using condoms, as she didn't.

She also lied to her counsellor, a lot.

She was diagnosed with BPD, a few months after DD.

For the past 1.5 years it's been up and down. Sometimes I feel that she "gets it" and IS remorseful...but then she'll make a mistake, react badly, argue with me, blame shift, gaslight, reject me, insult me, hurt me...act completely unremorseful.

It's confusing to say the least...but she does try, is open and honest with me, and day to day does plenty of loving things for me that. I appreciate very much.

I guess I've got it better than most? I don't know...

Me: BSO 39
Her: WSO 29
Together: 9 years
Married?: No
Children?: No
OM: A friend of a friend
DD#1: June 18th 2012
Many more DD after TT
PA#1: 1 week in Nov/Dec 2010, which led to a long distance EA
R: ?

Posts: 608 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Oz
Member # 41143
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

Everyone's level of brokenness is different as well as their desire to acknowledge it and seek healing. I don't think it's a male/female thing.

My now XWH showed false regret, never remorse, six years ago. I thought he had come to some sort of resolve when his attitude seemed to change for the better 2 years after the first A (without explanation)which was a year after MC and IC ended.

In actuality I now know he was living a lie the whole time. I busted him again this year. Not even false regret. His coldness is pretty amazing to me. So the answer in my case is never.

Me: 40's; XBS Him: 40's; XWS/NPD/SA
D-day 1: 5/2007- A #1; 7/2007 A #1 continued-R
D-day 2: 3/2013 A #2/multi-ONSs; 4/2013 A #2 continues to present
D: 7/2013 (25 yrs together; days shy of 22nd anniversary-GOAL MET!)
Our kids: teen & tween

Posts: 168 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Southern US
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)

I don't see any remorse because I know, after some things came out, she admitted later she was trying to talk to others...

I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)

Mine confessed his inappropriate friendship, and was remorseful right away.

5yrs later, he's still remorseful, still tells me he's sorry, and is still 100% transparent.

Posts: 3419 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)

I think the real remorse follows real consequences. I was getting the attempt at R from Dday forward, however there was anger at snooping, and loss of privacy, and even my grief. There was broken NC.

When I had enough, when I handed him my wedding ring, and told him to get out....That's when the real remorse showed up. When there were real consequences that effected him. When he realized he had lost it all. Thats when remorse came.

Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8707 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Topic Posts: 21