Yep been there, still go there often. I hear you.
Now it is true though, you can change those ways. Remember that. You are searching for your whys and how could I , that's awesome keep looking and when you see something, think of what you can different now today and tomorrow.
My IC put the affair in this example.
You are stuck in a desert, you've been there for 3 for days, no water , no food, nothing. Dehydrated not thinking, you want water, you need water. You come to an oasis, and there are three people standing there, with milk, some juice, and some food, In behind them is the person standing with a big cool glass of water. What do you do? you will go through those people and getthe water and drink it all, the fact is that water will kill you if you drink it all. Its a medical reaction I guess but you won't hear the others telling you its not safe.
That's what we did, we ran everyone else over to get the "water" Now we have to figure out what the "water " is. From what my councellor says, everyone does this, we just are messed up enough to cross our own integrity and morals.
Its good you recognize the trigger, as I've been told, just breath, and feel it and see if something else is there too. We can't live herein the self loathing, everyone continues to pay. Think of the good that has cometo you so far. Just keep breathing and one step at a time.