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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Blindside trigger today
gypsybird87
Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

So I'm feeling all festive, with the tree up and the Christmas music on, and I sit down to write out my Christmas cards. One thing you have to know about me is that even though I use the "contacts" feature in my phone, I'm also an old-school nerd who still has a handwritten address book. And as I go through it today, guess whose name I see?

OW.

Two years ago I sent a Christmas card to her and the friend of XWH that she was dating/living with. Last year, they were no longer a couple and I didn't send to either one of them. XWH and the male friend had drifted apart, for reasons that are obvious now, and I didn't have a current address for OW. She lost the prior rental house when she went to jail. I knew she was living with her parents, but I didn't know the address.

I also didn't know that she was fucking my husband.

I was not expecting this 2x4 to the head today. I've ripped the page out of the book and will burn it in the fireplace later tonight. But the damage is done.

So sad, and infuriating, and really kind of scary that we let people like this into our lives. We love them, we trust them, we marry them. And they hurt us so easily. Like it means nothing. Like WE mean nothing.

All I can think about now is last Christmas. All the nights he was gone "shopping", and came home empty handed. We always used to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" on Christmas Eve together, snuggled up in front of the fireplace. Last year, he was "shopping". I watched it alone, and he came home late, empty handed.

He was with her, of course. He was fucking her. And I was alone. How blind and stupid I was. So, SO stupid.

Like an idiot I was trying to be close to him, to cultivate romance. When the stores started putting out decorations for sale, I bought two sweet couples ornaments- "Our Christmas Together" etc. He barely responded when I showed them to him. After D-day when I went through the Christmas stuff, I put them in the trash. Later, after he'd been by to collect his stuff, I noticed they were gone. He literally took them out of the trash. I can only assume the ornaments I bought for the two of us are gracing OW's tree right this very moment.

Sick, sick, sick.

How am I going to get through this holiday season?? Right now I just don't know.


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin


Posts: 805 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

I know it's a horrible pain. You're readjusting what you thought your past was and what your future would be.

Take heart though:
I can only assume the ornaments I bought for the two of us are gracing OW's tree right this very moment.

Think about this. She has your trash, your leftovers. What is no longer useful to you, what no longer adds to your life.

She also has someone who can't be bothered for her. Who would rather just regift trash and leftovers from his previous life. There's no need to go to effort for her. No, all his efforts will go to filling the newly empty spot for an OW.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11185 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

The same exact thing happened to me. I have a box with alphabetized dividers and I used index cards and I mark who I sent one to, and who I receive one from.

I had sent all of his co-workers a Christmas card, and OW was one of them. It was one of those photo pic and it was a pic of me, XWH, and our baby daughter. That was December. D-day was May.

BTW, that picture was the last picture I ever saw of my XWH where he looked good, and happy.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3340 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Lola7
Member
Member # 41195
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

((Gypsy bird))

I think burning that page will be very cleansing. What happened to you was horrible. And you are not stupid.

Since this is my first Christmas alone, I've been taking the opportunity to throw out all that reminds me of him. I threw out so much stuff and it felt so good. I have a pile of pictures, cards, mementos that will all go into the next bonfire as well After all, they are just objects, and none of it serves a purpose in my life.

Just like him.


caelitus mihi vires
"My strength is from heaven"
DIVORCED!

Posts: 211 | Registered: Nov 2013
Vulcanized
Member
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

(((Gypsy)))

I did the same w/It's a Wonderful Life. My first Christmas after DD, my BFF had me at her house, got me drunk & we watched the entire season of Eastbound & Down. As sad as I was, it was hard to not laugh at times. Is there anything you find really hilarious? (I get that it's not Christmas-y, but sometimes it's either laugh or cry, if ykwim?)

He literally took them out of the trash. I can only assume the ornaments I bought for the two of us are gracing OW's tree right this very moment.

Think about this. This pathetic slunt is completely ok w/your trash. Roaches survive on other animals crumbs. Be glad this whore is fine w/your completely inferior X. He's not man enough for you, but he's totally fine for her.


Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
-----------------------------------------------------------
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 745 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
sunsetslost
Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

(((Gypsy)))

So sorry. Burn it. I used to have a fire pit. Something about seeing shit like that going up in flames helped me.


Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 747 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

I'm so sorry. What a horrible trigger, horrible memory, horrible intrusion into what should have been a nice time for you. (((HUGS)))

Last year I triggered majorly bad when decorating the tree since there were years & years worth of couple & family ornaments that included ex. His name, what we were doing, special events, OMG it killed me. Took me a couple hours and a dear cousin to literally prop me up & help me finish it. I hope I was able to hide my tidal wave of despair from the kids, at least.

And now here we are again. Gotta decorate the tree again. The same ornaments are here. I just don't want to put any of the personalized ones up that are pre-children. I may need to set that boundary up this year. It's just so painful.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9636 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 4:08 AM, December 9th (Monday)

I'm so sorry - those triggers are awful, just awful. I've had many a bonfire purge. It is so cathartic.

I found an old card in one of my favourite books earlier this year. I didn't even read it, just seeing his handwriting made me sick. I threw up and walked straight outside and set the card alight.

((gypsybird)) FTG. The ornaments are so creepy - the sad clown has things like that too. Like the souvenirs of a serial killer. They eat from the wedding cutlery, FFS. I bet she doesn't even know. Yuck.

It creeps me the fuck out. It would freak me the fuck out in her shoes - but then again I'm not at all keen on fucking other people's husbands so maybe I'm unusually squeamish about that stuff.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5549 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, December 9th (Monday)

Like the souvenirs of a serial killer.
Right!?


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3340 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
FaithFool
Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, December 9th (Monday)

I remember the first year after my parents' divorce, my mom went out and found a deceased tree, a small bare skeleton that was just wooden branches (not an evergreen). It looked like reindeer antlers.

She spray painted it gold and we hung a few bohemian ornaments and a string of lights on it. I'll never forget that. Now I know that it was her way of starting fresh.

I gave x the ornaments and every card and note he ever sent me. It choked him up bigtime that I didn't want them anymore.

Now I have one string of lights for the mantelpiece and a cute little soft tree thingie that I hang on my front door. That is it.

Purging the memory box is the best thing.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17381 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
pregnantandsad
Member
Member # 40141
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, December 9th (Monday)

I'm so sorry. Burn the page, hopefully you will get some peace from that.

DD and I decorated our tree this weekend, I found ornaments we received from our wedding, ornaments from every anniversary, and family ornaments. I forgot about them and wasn't expecting to deal with all the emotions they brought up. This is a tough time of year, for sure.


M 7 years, together for 12
2 kids- DD4 and a newborn
D-Day 7/2013 he didn't want R and moved in with OW
Filing for D

Posts: 155 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
Lola2kids
Member
Member # 32789
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, December 9th (Monday)

I bought ornaments for each of us. Our first name initials.
While putting up the ornaments last year, I bypassed his and did not intend to place it on the tree.
Then one DD pointed out the "C" was for Christmas so we decided to hang it (and again this year).
The C is now for Christmas and not for C-ex.

The traditions change and somehow it becomes better than before.

[This message edited by Lola2kids at 1:48 PM, December 9th (Monday)]


BS: (Me) 47
Kids: twins DD(10)
D-Day April 18, 2011
Him:out Sept. 11, 2011
He moved to Europe June 27, 2014.
"They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I am growing more and more fond of his absence"

Posts: 1385 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Ontario, Canada
gypsybird87
Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, December 9th (Monday)

Thanks for all the responses, everyone. It helps so much to be heard!

I knew I didn't want to be hit with all this stuff at Christmas, that's why after D-day in April I dragged all the Christmas stuff out and went through it. That's when the ornaments hit the trash, only to be "rescued" by him. Gag. You're so right, SBB. It really is creepy when you think about it!

I thought I was saving myself some pain by going through the Christmas stuff then, along with everything else. In hindsight I wish I'd kept some of the things I gave him. Namely, the kids personal ornaments, since I've seen more of them than I thought I would, and it would have been nice to pass those things to them directly. As it is, he has them and I doubt the older kids, who have their own trees etc, will ever get them.

Anyway, seeing OW's name just dragged it all back to the forefront. So much for my well-laid plans of protecting myself from just this sort of thing!

I hate these kinds of triggers so much. The ones that come out of nowhere, just when you think you're doing okay. It's like a slap in the face you don't see coming, vs. a shot at the doctors office, when they say "This may sting a bit", and you can prepare yourself.

I never feel prepared when crap hits me out of left field like this. But I refuse to spend the rest of my life "bracing" myself for pain! Dammit.

This is just so messed up. Such a lousy time of year to be alone. HUGS to everyone here, and extra BIG HUGS to those of us who are facing it for the first time.


edited for typos, as usual

[This message edited by gypsybird87 at 2:25 PM, December 9th (Monday)]


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin


Posts: 805 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
Topic Posts: 13