User Topic: who did you tell?
Member # 41401
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

I have only shared my story with a couple of friends that I knew would be supportive of whatever I chose to do. Our families are unaware and that makes this time of year hella hard. I avoid interaction so that I don''t have to fake smiling and act like I care about whatever conversation is being had. I just didn''t want either of us to be judged if we were going to make it work. I didn''t want him to always be ''the jerk'' (and he would have been by my family)...and I didn''t want to be pitied or considered weak for staying...or trying to make it work. Who did you tell? Do you wish you had told more...or fewer?

Me 47
WS 41
M=16 years

Posts: 130 | Registered: Nov 2013
Member # 40474
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

I told my sister and my attorney/friend. Once told, things cannot be taken back. If my BFF were still alive, I would have told her. My other BFF moved away 2 years ago, but I decided not to tell her.

We had friends over for dinner yesterday, and afterwards, WH said it was difficult pretending to be normal, and instead being fake with friends, and that it was going to be weird, having to pretend during our upcoming family Christmas. Yeah, ya think? He can thank his penis for that.

Disclosing to our friends and family would have made gatherings very awkward if we're still together. It's best for me to not have them know.

I figure if we D, then I can disclose the reasons and all the details to everyone.

[This message edited by Hope2B at 5:32 PM, December 8th (Sunday)]

Me: early 60s
Him: 65 yrs old, LTA w/a pro$titute
Married since 1980, no children
DDay: Feb. 25, 2013
Trickle Truth Days: Sept 10, 11, 13, 15 (2013)
His affair--says it was only 8 times 1x/mo, then found out it was 7 YEARS 2-3x/mo or maybe ever 4x/mo

Posts: 363 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: out west/west coast U.S.A.
Member # 40788
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

I actually told everyone but our families. After enduring a month of TT, I outed him and his OW and her polyamorous husband on my social media (about 100 people).

I was tired of keeping his and the OW's secret (she was my friend and an integral part of my social group). I didn't think it was fair that I had to bear the burden of that knowledge, that I was the one not participating in activities for fear of encountering her, that WH got to have an affair AND keep his reputation as an upstanding guy, while I sat at home and cried, that OW and her husband might get to control the narrative for our friends, and so forth.

So I told the entire sordid story from beginning to end, as dispassionately as I could. I didn't give TMI about too much of the sexual stuff, but I also didn't leave anything out.

It's funny, because this is the one action everyone on SI tells you not to do. But it was one of the only really good decisions I made in the aftermath of the affair, maybe even the best decision I made.

I can't tell you how freeing it was to not have to "pretend" or carry someone else's shame and bad behavior around for them. It was just a great relief to be able to tell the truth and nothing but the truth, no matter what the consequences were for any of us.

I'm sure there were people who thought it was too much drama on my part, because they can't stand to hear anything bad about the world (Pollyanna types). I say, fuck them. It's not my job in life anymore to keep nasty shameful secrets just because they might disrupt someone's pleasant life facade. I have done that for 10 years, and the only thing that ever happened is that I internalized the ugliness and it ate me up on the inside. The only people who ever benefited from my secret-keeping were the fainting-couch Pollyanna types and the ones who were relying on the keeping of secrets to continue being selfish assholes.

I also know that there were people who were so disgusted by my WH's behavior that they basically don't consider him a friend anymore, and I know he lost reputation with many others. This is the price of doing business with regard to an affair.

I have no idea what people think about OW or her husband after my revelations. I haven't tried to find out, and I basically don't care. If they want to be friends with that whore and her polyamourous enabler, I can't stop them. It's their soul. But at least now they're not choosing to be her friend under false pretenses.

Also, a number of my friends came out of the woodwork to let me privately know that they had had a similar situation. I got a lot of social support because I outed him - social support I would not have had if I hadn't, because they wouldn't have known what was going on with me.

Anyway, I think it depends on your situation, and how you interact with your friends and family. But for me, it was the right thing to do, and I would do it again in a heartbeat. It was the first time that I actually felt empowered and good and free of his crap after finding out about the affair.

Me: BW, 39, Him: WH, 43; married 9 years, together 13 years
DDay:July 2013; EA progressing to a PA
APs: ex-"friend" & her enabling polyamorous husband
Status: Dual-income-no-kids, 2 cats, taking it day-by-day, married till we're not

Posts: 61 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Florida
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

I told a trusted friend, my brother and I called a family friend of my parents who is a "family lawyer" and actually got some good advice before I confronted. My friend and brother said maybe I was mistaken, there could be explanations, etc.

After that, I told a couple more trusted friends and my parents. I asked my SAWH to tell his mother. I was lucky in some respects because my dd coincided with school breaks so I was able to stay under cover and not have to interact with the "general public." I had to reveal to a friend with whom I was working on a big project…I was not pulling my weight, not acting myself. I felt I needed to come clean. She actually was a great help to me…she convinced me to get on antidepressants. I also needed some advice from people who had BTDT so I asked a few of those types of friends. I am SO glad I did…I got very good advice.

It is true that you must be very wise about with whom you share this. But at the same time, you must recognize that you have to have someone to talk with about it. My friends have been a real source of strength for me. I've learned a lot, they have said all of the right things but also the things that I needed to hear.

Remember - YOU have done nothing wrong.

BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

After DDay and during our limbo hell, I told only my mother & close family members. Others were simply told that we were having a really hard time but were trying to work through it.

Once we separated I told everyone and I told them why. At this point the only people who don't know the truth are my kids. And probably his family members.

Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!

Posts: 9995 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Member # 41286
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

You folks are the only friends & family I told. Thank you for being here.

Dealing with the superficial consolation from somebody that has never been there would suck and if we reconcile, we still have to be with those people who know. Awkward.

Me: 42
WW: 36
Latest D-day: Sept 2013
Reconciling? Limbo?

Posts: 96 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: NE Ohio
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

I told my 2 BFFs, my MIL (love her to pieces, she has been a HUGE support for me), his aunt and uncle (spiritual support and guidance for me...they do marriage retreats as part of their profession), his cousin (prayer intecessor). I also told my aunt and uncle as aunt called one night when I just was unable to hold it together and I disclosed in a "moment". Also, obviously, my counselor(s), pastor, and you guys.

DH told his brother and his BFF. And of course, the OW!

I have not told my parents as my hope is that we will get to a point that we are trying to R...I don't think my dad will ever forgive I don't want to tell him unless it's necessary.

Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

I told one of my sisters, a couple of old friends and what I thought was my closet friend ever. She was very supportive of us trying to R and then started pulling away and now she has not spoken to me in 2 years without an explanation.
I think her and her husband didn't want to be friends with someone who had marriage issues, that they are better then that. It hurt me very badly, I felt like they kicked me hard when I was down. Now I know she showed me that her friendship was conditional, which in my opinion doesn't make you any kind of friend. I should also add that we did tell our adult children as they knew we were having big issues and we didn't want to lie to them

[This message edited by jjsr at 11:36 PM, December 8th (Sunday)]

Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1658 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
Member # 40665
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, December 8th (Sunday)


Lord, with Your help I will focus on each small step of the climb, instead of the mountain that stands before me.

Posts: 224 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
Member # 39532
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

I went almost 5 months not telling anyone other than my best friend, our IC/MC, and our GP. It was the most isolating time of my life.

In the last six or seven weeks, I've told ten close friends who have reason to need to be aware of ow and what she's done before, during and most importantly after the A. Only three of these people have zero contact with her and live out of town. Telling friends and getting that support after so long enduring this in silence has been the most freeing, wonderful thing in this entire ordeal.

In some regards I am glad I didn't tell people early on. I have better perspective and understanding six months out from DDay, and the harassment by ow is much more obvious these days, which helps in the telling of our story.

I strongly advocate telling at least a few key people. Suffering this alone with no support can destroy you and your marriage even more than the A. One of the people who worked out what I was dealing with has been living in the aftermath of her husband's A for ten years, and she's never properly dealt with it. She is in a much worse place than I am, only six months out. And she has kept it locked up, speaking to only two people in those ten years.

BS 35
WS 31
DD, only child
DDay: 06/09/13
End of TT/Full Disclosure 07/08/13

Reconciling. A stronger marriage now.

Psalm 37. It rocks my world. So does 140. Big guy upstairs has got it all figured out.

Posts: 230 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Here and there...
Member # 40210
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

Immediately after Dday I told my two best girlfriends. WH told his parents. More recently, I told my mom, sister, and another close girlfriend. I don't regret telling any of them. It's not my job to keep his secrets. If he didn't want people to think he was an asshole, he shouldn't have acted like one.

Me: BS
Him: WS
Go your way,
I'll take the long way 'round,
I'll find my own way down,
As I should.

Posts: 79 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Grr Argh
Member # 41401
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

"If he didn''t want people to think he was an asshole, he shouldn''t have acted like one."

Love this...but still not that brave...worried about what could he if things go right.

Me 47
WS 41
M=16 years

Posts: 130 | Registered: Nov 2013
Member # 41401
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

"If he didn''''t want people to think he was an asshole, he shouldn''''t have acted like one."

Love this...but still not that brave...worried about what could be If things go right.

[This message edited by ladycody at 9:10 PM, December 8th, 2013 (Sunday)]

Me 47
WS 41
M=16 years

Posts: 130 | Registered: Nov 2013
Member # 29142
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

I told pretty much everyone. I didn't care at the time. Honestly, I still don't. I wasn't responsible for the affair, so if someone asked why we separated, I told them. I wasn't humiliated or anything, what did I have to hide? Besides, everyone saw him with her all the time anyway (they worked together and we know a LOT of the same people that always saw them), so everyone pretty much figured it out.

Me: BS
Him: WXH DDay-11/22/2009~ D~ 10/25/10
OWhore: Co-worker (7 years younger)
"Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." AND THEY DID!!!

Posts: 1141 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Maryland
Member # 41412
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

I have told no one about my wife's OEA. She mentioned to her sister that she had been emailing another man and that caused us to recommit to our marriage as I was jealous. She was careful not to imply there was anything sexual (this was fine with me, I didn't and still do not want family involved in our marriage right now). My wife is doing everything right to make amends for what she did so I think it would be damaging to our reconciliation if any family or friends knew what happened.

I still plan on telling the betrayed other woman but I still do not have the contact information I need.

Other than that, I plan on telling no one

[This message edited by bobf at 9:06 PM, December 8th (Sunday)]

Me: BH early 50s
Her: fWW late 40s (kmom2662)
7 Wk OEA, Skype, Cyber
DDay 10-4-13
Married 20+ years
Currently in R

Posts: 143 | Registered: Nov 2013
Member # 38681
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

I had to tell everyone under the sun as exW was threatening to go to the police for non existent DV etc.
I told her brother in law, and her sister. She basically had spread lies that I was violent and abusive. She even told that I hit her with my bare hands when nothing of that sort had happened.
Later I understood that this was one of her plans. She was going to be exposed some or the other day and she would use this DV thing to shut me off.
She did it pretty successfully, I must admit.
Her parents and siblings did not believe me when I exposed the A.
They thought I was trying to get rid of her by false accusations of an A.

To this very day her mother and brother do not believe my story.

It was not the A part which led me to the decision for the D, rather it was the diabolical planning and cunningness, enough, not to trust this person anymore.

BH 33
FWW 32
DS: 3 year old.
Dday 10/14/2012
No remorse so:
Divorced 02/15/2013. No alimony, no CS, got apartment. Won all battles and mind games off the courts.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 40931
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

I told my sister, my best friend, our doctors, and our counselor. That's it. My sister lives on the other side of the country, and my best friend lives an hour away from me. Is it tough not having a huge support system? Yes, it is.

I talk to my mother multiple time each day, and she lives two blocks away. She also adores my husband, and I don't want to jeopardize my reconciliation with my husband with her feeling hatred towards him.

I feel alone in my pain a lot of the time, but I'm working on leaning on my WH as we struggle through this.

Me: BS
Him: WH (iAmAMess0809)
Together: 7 years, married 5
Two children: 4yo, 1yo
DDay 4/30/13 EA, TT
Full disclosure of EA/PA 10/11/13

Posts: 67 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Midwest
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

My best friend, my sister, our minister and his wife. That's it, I guess. We have told people (including my dad) that we are in counseling and hit a rough spot, but not elaborated.

Some days out of sheer bitterness I want to tell all the mutual friends of me and the AP about it, but our MC actually advised on keeping the circle as small as possible. While I don't have support for the infidelity per se, I do have plenty of friends, and have reached out and made some new ones. Part of our rationale for keeping it low key is that there are kids involved on both sides, and I don't want to tell ours until he is older. So, I feel like the fewer people who know, the better. I don't think it is a matter of shame, and H has actually encouraged me to tell whoever I need. But honestly, I can only handle so much "help," anyway. We have a great MC, and H and I have really leaned on each other.

me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2139 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
New Member
Member # 41550
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

My two best friends know nearly all the main details. I made him tell his parents. I told my parents, brother and sister. Our prior counsellors know. A handful of other mutual friends now know. I don't regret telling anyone. It was helpful for me to have the support system I need. Especially needed to tell our families - they blamed me for our marriage failing since all they saw was how unhappy I was for months leading to and for months afterward. My WH who hides his emotions looked like some stable, steady saint to everyone - until they learned the truth.
Also, it was helpful for WH to see thru the eyes of "normal" people that what he did and his thought processes were so screwed up. It may have seemed fine to him when he was only hanging out with his APs or prostitutes or other people who were obviously morally lacking. But in the eyes of people with normal values and who are respectable people, he began to see how disgusting and deviant his behaviour was.

me - BS 41
him - WS 45
2DDs - ages 6,9
dday 4/2012, TT thru 10/2012

Posts: 35 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pacific NW
Member # 41064
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

I told my 3 BBF, my family, and his. ALL gave me the tremendous support i needed as I was falling to pieces in the months after DDay. I did not tell anyone at work.. I tend to be private with my life around coworkers anyway.
We may be on the road to reconciling and if the people I confided in want to pass judgement on be it. It is my life and I have to do what's right for me. But so far, my BFF and one family member I have told about the possible reconciliation have been supportive.

Me - BW - 59
Him - WH - 59
35 yrs - 2 daughters 17, 21
DDay - 10-15-13
ONS - 9-20-13 and probably YEARS of gaslighting - signs were there.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

Who didn't I tell would be a smaller list. I exposed far and wide. Family, friends, etc. I wanted to break that fog.

BS - Me
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking

Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
Member # 38399
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

My boss ( I was at work when I found out) and two good friends. I told him if he ever cheated on me again I would tell anyboby who would listen that he fucks prostitutes. He is terrified of his mom and girls ever finding out.

Me BS: 42
WH: 44
DDay- April 17, 2013
Married 22 years
3 children: 18, 15 & 9

Posts: 141 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: 1devastedmom
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

My WH told my dad before he told me - he wanted me to have support. We told our kids, his mom, my mom. I told about four friends. I told our pastor. We gave our children full permission to tell anyone they needed to, to talk about it with anyone they felt they wanted to, and only asked them to respect that it was painful for us and to choose wisely.

I was worried that people knowing would make it harder, but it actually didn't. It makes it easier for us to talk openly about our lives, not having to feel like it's a big secret. If people know about it, fine. We don't make it common knowledge, but word has spread. For the most part, people seem very, very supportive of us. They have their own 'stuff'. The more open we are about it, the less interesting it is for others to talk about.

Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 809 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

Oh, and we also told our younger children's teachers, and the school principal, so that we could be sure our kids would have support if they started to appear to be struggling.

Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 809 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, December 9th (Monday)


I feel like Nick Nolte in The Prince of Tides.

And it has had approximatley the same effect.

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
Member # 33202
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, December 9th (Monday)

No one. My friend guessed and I confirmed it. That's all.

Oh yeah, I also asked my hairdresser for the name of a good divorce attorney. She made her own assumptions.

Posts: 729 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, December 9th (Monday)

I have told my sister. That's it.

Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
Member # 39242
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, December 9th (Monday)

I told no one but my MD-depression

But my BF guessed what was implied. But that has also caused heartache. I have tried calling her a few times when I was really depressed but she has lost my respect and true friendship. And I am not one to share my burden. I went months without even talking to her because I didn't want to talk bad about my H. I felt it was between us. But she finally one day said tell me what's been going on. I replied marriage is hard sometimes. Last I really heard from her other than liking my FB pix and including me in newsy group text

All summer we spend every Thurs night through Sunday am with my sister and SIL at their beach house. There were so many days I was raw this summer. But I never told them- long story, but it was so it wouldn't get back to my H's work. So there were many weekends they just thought I was a total bitch. Ha I wanted to scream that guy you think is so great. Let me tell you about his 6 year EA and his months PA.

But I gotta say its hard not having support other than from my H

I am stronger than the storm.
I take every experience in my life, no matter how horrendous it was, as a learning experience

Posts: 67 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, December 9th (Monday)

A question I struggled with for a long time, and that I honestly struggle with to some degree now.

Perhaps a look at my timeline for telling people will be helpful:
August - found about about texting/phone calls - I told a close friend/co-worker

Mid-August - she told a mutual friend about the texting/phone calls and the other friend said I was jealous - they no longer felt I was jealous when I explained how much texting/phone calls

End of August - She got a little tipsy and told me that "I'm done with you, I'm done with us, I want a divorce" in front of some friends - I had to fill in a few details. I also told my family and best friend at this point. I couldn't deal with it alone (for the most part) any longer.

September - After being assured there was no contact beyond what was absolutely necessary for a charity event they were involved in together - I found out they went to dinner together and told several people at her birthday party (that she had the audacity to invite him too until I put a stop to it). This backfired and she used it as an excuse for her behavior. "I can't be married to someone that would hurt me like that." And, "I was ready to work on our marriage until I found out you told people". Both statements are total BS.

November - I find out she has been and is continuing to go to his house/ rental house/ houseboat - I kept it to myself except for my best friend and family. I've threatened exposure, but that doesn't help anything either.

I've asked on this forum, and I've received mixed results. I've read around online in other places, and I've found the same thing. Honestly, I think it varies from situation to situation.

If I had it to do over again, I would have told her family, my family, all of our friends, and her boss in August. I also would have demanded 100% NC at that point instead of letting her finish the charity project she was working on. It is my opinion, FWIW, that immediate exposure is the best way to go. If you drag your feet like I did and "trickle expose" it just gives them time to get their story worked out and put the affair under ground. I was worried about her reputation and driving her away at first. Now, I can see that by not shedding the light of day on it, all I did was allow the A to pull her further out of the marriage.

Sorry for the long post, but I sincerely hope that it provides help to you or someone else reading it.

Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, December 9th (Monday)

At first, when there was a chance of R, only my dearest friend.
When he resumed his A, I told more people.
When he left me for Shrek, well now I tell anybody and everybody. And if it is someone that used to respect him, I show them her picture and video footage of her flirting with the cute neighbor that lives underneath them (cough ahem, LOL, I mean the PI I hired to get proof of A).

I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2480 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
New Member
Member # 18275
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, December 9th (Monday)

I guess I'm in the minority here. I haven't told anyone other than the counselors I have seen during these past 6 years. I'm a very private person and for me, it's just not anyone else's business. I wouldn't want my pain to cause anyone else pain. It's bad enough she hurt me; I wouldn't want what she did to hurt someone else. I'm not saying what anyone else should or shouldn't do, only what I did and why.

Those who are faithless know the pleasures of love; it is the faithful who know love's tragedies. -- Oscar Wilde

Me: BH (56)
Her: WS (48)
D-Day: 12/9/07
Married: 10 years
2 children: son - 8; daughter - 5

Posts: 15 | Registered: Feb 2008
Member # 41497
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, December 9th (Monday)

in his anger after D-Day, my boyfriend outed me to everyone on his facebook and anyone who would listen. Not saying I didn't deserve that, but it really isn't anyones business, and should we R, I probably can't ever face his family again

Mad Hatter

Me: 21
Him: 21
Together 2 years
my ONS->1 mo EA abroad

after D-Day BF admitted he had broken NC with EXGF (EA)
D-DAY 11/21/13

In Limbo

Posts: 114 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Kentucky
Member # 36746
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, December 9th (Monday)

The first time I found out I told my Mom, one sister and one of my closest friends.

The second time (same OW) I told My Mom, sisters I have 6, my Dad, some friends and some cousins I am close to. And her husband!! (should have told the husband the fist time) Might have saved myself some years of pain. Maybe not!

Now I believe he cheated again. (even though I believe I caught it early) Embarrassed to tell anyone.

My Mom has been my rock through all of everything I have been through! My friend has been a great listener and puts her two cents in good and bad! I would not change not telling them.

Me 44
WH 46
DDay 1 8/22/08
DDay 2 9/22/10
DDay 3 12/22/10 same OW each time. (so called friend)
To many TT's to count, last one Jan. 2013 ugh!
Married 21 years, together 23
4 amazing children, 2DS 2DD
Working on it!

Posts: 156 | Registered: Sep 2012
Member # 40317
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)

Like TheGarden, I told EVERYONE on his FB and her FB. I posted on his FB page exactly what he did. My fWS would act one way to people and another way to me. He volunteered, made $$ for charities, etc...all while putting me in my place and justifying screwing around on me. It was horrible. I found out about the affair at 11:30 at night. By 12:30; I had his FB page up with a new password so he could not get into it and I posted exactly what he did and who he did it with. I figured the affair blossomed in the darkness, there was no way in hell I was letting it stay there with all the lies and sneaky actions they were doing.

I also went on to her page from his and starting postin under each of her pictures. One of them, she was sitting on her motorcycle and I wrote "what else is between your legs? Oh yea! My husband's penis!" then I signed my name. Jackass.

ALL his co-workers saw it. ALL his family saw it. ALL my family saw it. ALL the moms from my daughter's extra curricular activity saw it. Good. It brought it out of the dark. He couldn't gaslight me and justify anymore when everyone was looking at him going "what the HELL are you thinking?? And with HER?!? Don't you KNOW about her??"

It was horrible and freeing at the same time. And I would definitely do it again. I think it brought fWS out of the fog quicker when he couldn't ignore EVERYONE (he easily ignored me and what I said to him. I was an idiot at that time and didn't know her like *he* knew her).

Sad thing is I guess the whole town knows what a piece of shit she and her husband were. The whole town but us, because I didn't even know.

Me: BS
Him: WS
Married: 17 years
2 children
2 DDays

Posts: 282 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)

I didn't tell anyone. I knew I wanted to try to reconcile and my family is not the forgiving type. We hold grudges. Forever. Her family would just have assumed I did something to deserve it....all women in her family, and all cheaters.

That being said, if it ever happens again, I will blow the effing lid off the whole thing. I will burn the village to the shoreline.

I have a competition in me.

Posts: 2248 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
Member # 41401
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)

The only reason I haven''t told his family s because he has ALWAYS had issues with self worth...and it''s a result of his youth (if you knew his childhood it would make sense). The one thing he''s probably done right in their minds is marry me...cause it straightened him out and he has a small modicom of respect from them as a result. Despite what he''s done...I do care for him and wouldn''t add to the pain that his parents have heaped on him....not if we''re going to make it work. Even if we don''t...I''d like to think I''d restrain myself and stick to facts without bashing...they can bash on their own. It helps that we never had a crappy or volatile marriage...we''ve been basically good together. Don''t get me wrong... I still can''t say I''d be as even keeled if it happens again. I''d be out for sure...but he would have to hope and pray for me to take the high road...cause I will be three steps past sideways if he does this again.

Me 47
WS 41
M=16 years

Posts: 130 | Registered: Nov 2013
Member # 41218
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)

At the present time I'm keeping this pretty close to the vest. I want to give WH a chance to R but I know that if I told my friends and family they would never forgive him. And frankly as much as I know it's not my fault, it's embarrassing. People automatically want to assume BS wasn't providing something within the M, which is total garbage.

So mostly it's all you fine folks at SI here and my IC and MC. My depression and difficulties functioning post DDay were obvious, so my boss and my friends know I'm dealing with a personal issue. I have told a few friends I'm having marriage problems but I am not more specific than that. It's likely some assumptions have been made.

The first person I actually told about the A was my MIL. I'm close to her, and I knew she would be willing to see both sides without cutting WH any slack.

My BIL (and probably his wife by extension) knows as well. This is the source of some controversy. On DDay one of the emails from OW said, "Your brother already knows about me and I'm sure he doesn't care." So when I emailed my MIL I mentioned that BIL might have known, resulting in a conversation between BIL and MIL about the A.

WH is still upset about the fact that I "dragged" his brother "into this." I think he's upset about losing face in front of his younger brother. I am of the opinion that he dragged BIL into this the moment he decided to take OW to dinner on the Saturday after Valentine's Day at the restaurant where BIL waits tables!

MIL says that BIL described OW as "some dumpy blonde."

If R doesn't work out though, I am telling everybody. My friends, my family, his friends, all the many people at my job who knows WH... If the M fails I want everybody to know whose fault it was.

Me - BW 36
Him - WH 41
Together 12 years, married 7
3 year LTA with former coworker
DDay 10/29/13
He says he wants to R... can I live with what he's done?

Posts: 165 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)

I was bat shit crazy and I told everyone.

My husband never tried to stop me, he always just said "whatever you need"

I think he was pretty ashamed but I didn't care.

I did nothing wrong.

If you look at us now and the way we have fought, healed and worked anyone to judge would be an idiot.

You do what you need and never feel shame for that which you have no control over.

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3853 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Member # 40981
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)

At first, I told no one except my congregation elders. I felt that if we reconciled, I would never be able to live with other people knowing.

Slowly I began to talk to a few trusted friends about it. While none of them urged me to leave him, one was very frank and told me that he was very likely to cheat again under the circumstances I had named.

Then I had a sort of D-Day #2, more disclosure than what he had told me a month earlier and after that more TT.

When I came home and told him that he had given me STD's, he moved out. At that point, I realized that we were never getting back together and that it was time to let the cat out of the bag.

Honestly, after I had told my boss and coworkers in my dept., it was like a huge weight off my shoulders. I was able to smile and get through the day relatively normally as opposed to feeling like I was struggling all day not to cry.

In the beginning I thought I'd die of shame if anybody knew the truth. I still feel ashamed sometimes, but reading the "I Can Relate" forum on Spouses of Sex Addicts is a comfort because there are so many others who are experiencing the same thing or have been there. With a SA for a spouse, there's no "outing" the's usually multiple OW's, sometimes total strangers, and other embarrassing sordid details like the sexual partners being underage, for example.

I don't go around shouting to the world that my husband cheated on me with teenage girls or that he gave me STD's, but I remind myself for those who do know that I am not responsible for any of that and he should bear the shame and guilt, not me.

BS: 33
WS: 35 and definitely SA
Married: 9 years
1 stepchild, now 18 years old
DDay: 9/2/2013
ONS: Multiples over at least a 6-year period, at least twenty
1 OC 5 yrs old and another on the way (by different ONS)

Posts: 211 | Registered: Oct 2013
Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)

threeyearfool -
I've told more people than you have, but only a very select few all the details. If the WW doesn't want to R, I am mulling over the idea of a blind-copy email to everyone we know with ALL the details about why we D. This would be done the day the D is final.

I should add that I do think immediate exposure is best if you're going to do it (see my previous post on this thread). Trickling like I did only gives them time to follow behind you.

[This message edited by RealityStinks at 3:59 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)]

Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
New Member
Member # 41389
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, December 12th (Thursday)

I told my 2 BFFs first. We had a conference call in the middle of the night. True friends. I also told my therapist.

I had received a phone call from OW earlier that night.

Then WH told his friend only because OW made it sound like they were all cozy friends.

Come to find out last week after some of WH's friends were over, that they also knew of OW.

I didn't exactly thank them for hiding it from me. I wish I had known years ago. They have shown that they are not true friends.

Married 11 years. Together for 14
Female, age 40. WH is 47.
DD, aged 6
Found out about affair November 1, 2013
Info is only trickling in :-( it was a long affair.

Posts: 15 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Canada
Member # 39170
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, December 12th (Thursday)

I told my most important people at first (last year, when I found the sexting pics he emailed himself):
-My mom (and therefore my dad, though we never actually had a conversation about it)
-My brother and SIL (I was thinking of moving in with them for a while, but felt it would be better to stick it out here)
-My two best friends.

I tell pretty much everyone. I don't always go and say why. Most of the time when they mention "husband", I just say: "we're separated. He made some bad choices". Sometimes if I'm feeling particularly clever, I'll say to someone: "I didn't like his girlfriend". I love that line. Got it from someone here. I've outright told a couple people at work that he's a cheater. Turns out I'm not the only one at work with a WH.

ETA: I am kinda casual with mentioning it because I don't see it as reflecting badly on myself. Though I know some people might think "what was wrong with her that he would cheat on her", I know that he's the broken one. Not me.

[This message edited by PurpleBirch at 9:59 PM, December 12th (Thursday)]

Me: BS (32)
Him: WH (31)
Married 3 years.
Confessed to PA April 21 2013.

DS (6), DS (18 months)

Aug 30 2013 He gives me back his ring with an ultimatum: "Get over it or get out".

Status: Done like dinner

Posts: 277 | Registered: May 2013 | From: The frozen North, eh?
New Member
Member # 39675
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, December 12th (Thursday)

I've only told WH's 2 BF.
First one because WH transferred his guilt about A onto the two of us. . 2cd friend has his own marriagebussues, so i told him to let him know i needed him to be a friend of our marriage. Pre A therevwas lots of commiseratingbabout how much married life sucks, abd i needed a little less of thatvfrom friend # 2 while we try to R!

Really both our friends after being together will all 24+ years.

I've never had a lot of close female friends and the 2 I I have had significant life stressors of their own ( sick parent and drug using teen daughter) so I didn't want to burden them. Plus, its just so freaking embarrasing. i have no sisters.
I can't bear the thought of my mom judging WH, so I haven't told, even though my mom and I are close. I actually find myself avoiding my mom, because I'm afraid she will see through me. I'm pretty sure she is a BS, it's just too much o face head on at this point. I'm supposed to be the together focused successful kid.. Not feeling it this year!
We have told three MC. Liked latest MC, but now he's unexpectedly gone until January. Sure glad l have SI, otherwise it would be pretty lonely inside this head of mine

me-BS 40
Together 23 years, married 17 years
DDs-11 and 8, DS 7
4 month EA/PA ended by WH 2 months before
Hoping this recovery is real...

Posts: 42 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, December 13th (Friday)

I told everyone we knew except for my WH's co-workers and boss.(OW was not a co-worker). We also didn't tell his children, but his whole family knows and none of them can keep a secret, so I am sure they know by now and the numerous DDays I have endured with his LTA.

WH's BFF has distanced himself from him, even though his wife is still my BFF. It is really sad, but his BFF said he changed into a person he didn't want to be around anymore. My WH is angry because he thinks his BFF has just abandoned him. I do not get involved becuase I'll be damned if he is screwing up my friendship with my BFF. She has always been there for me when I needed to vent or cry.

It was a little strange being around his family last 2 years during the holidays, but it seems to be getting better. I have very little family and none that live in my state, but they know and have my back if I need them.

Hell, I even told a guy in the airport as we were waiting for different flights after DDay#1(I was working out of state). He decides that it would be a good idea to go into the unisex bathroom for a few minutes before our flight. Can you believe someone that has the balls to suggest such a thing. . I quickly learned Do Not Discuss With Strangers.

M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Member # 41320
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, December 13th (Friday)

Made him tell his family immediately. I knew he would rewrite history and he is a master liar and manipulator so that was a nobrainer.

Told our pastor immediately. Told my BFF immediately. She lives overseas. She begged me to come stay with her. Wish I could have.

A few months later told two of my siblings. I was done protecting him and he offered me no support. They are everything to me and I'm so glad I did.

Soon I will tell one or two local friends. He is still giving me no support and I'm sick of pretending he is a good guy. Not that I'm pretending very hard. My close friends know we are struggling.

I need hugs!

I think it definitely depends in the WS and what you need/ have support-wise. If WS's family didn't know he would not have changed at all. Same with our pastor. I knew he wouldn't care what I said. I was soooooooo happy to see him finally knocked off his arrogant, better than everybody pedestal. He treated his siblings horribly, in my opinion, and I was happy they got to see the hypocrite exposed for their sakes.


Posts: 112 | Registered: Nov 2013
Member # 40612
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, December 13th (Friday)


I have told my best friend and WH has told a few friends. Flat out refused to tell his parents when I asked, and for some reason I was okay with that, but now I think I will tell him he has to tell them or I will.
I also plan on telling my mom. I never did because I was worried if we stayed together she would never look at him the same. But now I'm realizing I probably won't ever look at him the same either so... I need more support and I'm going to get it and stop worrying about covering his ass. He should've thought of that before.

You can crawl back home, say you were wrong
Stand out in the yard and cry all night long
Go ahead and water the lawn
My give a damn's busted!

Posts: 85 | Registered: Sep 2013
Member # 41157
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, December 13th (Friday)

3 relatives, 3 close friends, 1 counselor. Relatives I stayed with for a weekend while separated. 2 of the friends helped me find a place to stay. A friend I consider my brother. People I trust not to gossip. That was my support system.

She was furious that I told anybody. Yet she told her entire extended family, who gossips like crazy, so there are probably hundreds that know from that.
She has an affair, blabs to her dysfunctional family, probably was all over facebook, yet I'm not supposed to talk to anybody because she would be embarrassed. My kids understand consequences and cause and effect of poor decision making better than my W!

Posts: 205 | Registered: Oct 2013
Member # 25463
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, December 13th (Friday)

I think if there would have been a chance of reconciliation, I wouldn't have told anyone but my best friend.

I'm a type of person who needs to talk about it, and to a person I can trust. I can trust her 100%.

Since I knew we were heading for divorce, I told my family and close friends out of sheer desperation.

I'll tell people today that my ex is remarried and has two young children with her "already" because he met her while we were married.

That usually does the trick and it explains my situation in very few words. It's not slander, its a fact.

Posts: 1116 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Europe
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, December 13th (Friday)

EVERYONE....I told everyone I could

Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

Posts: 526 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
Topic Posts: 49