User Topic: WH gave me ultimatum
Member # 39192
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

He told me to either return home or leave him. In his opinion, we cannot recover if I refuse to return home. I agree with that. I never said I wouldn't return. I wanted to see some change in him and see that there was something worth returning to instead of what I've seen lately (lots of anger on his part). Now this. What choice do I have?. I've never wanted this. I don't know that any one does.

I never wanted to be a in a position where I must chose to continue or discontinue my marriage. I never wanted to live apart. Now, he wants me to decide. I told him that we will divorce and I am numb.

I do not want to know what lies ahead. I want no part of this life I've been forced into.

Truth waits for eyes unclouded by longing.

~~Tao Te Ching

Posts: 152 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

Are you the wayward spouse? If so, you'll probably find excellent support & advice in the Wayward forum.

ETA: Okay, that's bizarre, I'm certain your title originally was your BH gave you the ultimatum, hence my asking you your status...

[This message edited by Nature_Girl at 5:50 PM, December 8th (Sunday)]

Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011

Posts: 9827 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

Statistic, I just peeked at a few of your other posts. YOU are the BS, he's the WH. Not the BH. The B stands for betrayed. He's the wandering husband.

If he's just showing you anger, and not remorse, no, you don't have much of a choice at the moment. I'm sorry it's come to this, but for now, you must think protection. Keep your emotions separate, and see a lawyer this week in order to protect yourself financially. As long as you do nothing, you will have to pay for half of whatever he does.

Drink water, and look after you.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.

Posts: 5525 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
Member # 39192
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

Sorry for the confusion! I am the BS. He is the WH. I'm typing with a baby sleeping on my lap, so I probably make many errors.

Truth waits for eyes unclouded by longing.

~~Tao Te Ching

Posts: 152 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

Seems to me your WH just told you to either 'rug sweep' or divorce. In this situation, he gave you no choice. He has made the decision not to do the hard work of R. I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation.

The good new is, that if you're the one to file for D, you can put the brakes on anytime you want (in the unlikely case WH gets his head out of his ass). If not, you will have protected yourself legally. Good luck.

Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.

Posts: 1861 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, December 9th (Monday)

Who does he think he is? He's going to dictate to YOU what YOU should be doing? HE is going to set the rules that YOU have to follow?

You know what he's going to do? He's going to set unattainable goals for YOU to jump through hoops to accomplish, and guess what? He's going to do whatever he wants, including cheat again.

Fuck him.

D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.

Posts: 3410 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, December 9th (Monday)

When a WS issues ultimatums - it indicates two things (IMHO) : he's a bully, and he has an utter lack of remorse.

You don't have to file - Let him do it. My atty. claimed it made no real difference in proceedings (though psychologically perhaps it does.)

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4133 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
Member # 4286
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, December 9th (Monday)

Sounds like a win-win for him.

If you come back then you will be required to just "forget about it all - it's in the past!" and "move forward". In other words, rugsweep and then he doesn't have to do any work on himself. Nor will he be in the "less powerful" position of having to grovel and beg, do your bidding, be remorseful, make it up to you, deal with your moral superiority, deal with your pain, etc.

If you file for divorce he can forever claim to be the victim. He "really wanted to do everything possible to save the marriage. But that meanie statistic would even give him the opportunity to try".

Fuck him! Fuck his ultimatum. Like Take2 said, he's a bully with no remorse. Let him be the one to file. Do not return home until he meets your terms. Do NOT lower your standards! I know you are sad. I know this is not what you wanted out of your life. But if you give in then you are telling him that he doesn't have to respect you.

Divorced - recovered and hoping to help.

"We're not broken, just bent, and we can learn to love again" ~Pink

Posts: 3086 | Registered: May 2004 | From: Midwest
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, December 9th (Monday)

You are giving him too much power.
He can give ultimatums til the cows come home, but he has no control over your actions, just as you had none over his actions.
What do you feel is healthiest for you right now?
If it is to come home, you can set parameters as to when and why you would be willing to come home.
Or if you just need a break, you can tell him you aren't coming home until you feel ready. If he doesn't like it, well then, he has options too.
I agree with Gemini71 sounds a lot like:
Seems to me your WH just told you to either 'rug sweep' or divorce. In this situation, he gave you no choice. He has made the decision not to do the hard work of R. I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation.

I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2335 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
Member # 39192
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, December 9th (Monday)

I am no where near ready to go home and he knows that. If I felt like he was remorseful, I would. I think he cannot tolerate his own guilt and self-hate long enough to help me with my own pain. I feel like a burden on him. I think this is the reason for the ultimatum. Either way, he knows how to move forward and either have me home or move on without me. I simply told him he is reacting in the wrong way and that I would not be returning home, and if that meant the end to him, then so be it. Hardest things I have ever done. So I guess it does take some of the responsibility off of him. It feels like a power struggle. Maybe he thought I would go home and this was the quickest way to do it. So now, I get to face my future alone and I am terrified. I continue to shake like a leaf. At least its cold here now, and I was able to use that as an excuse today whenever someone asked if I was ok.

I wonder if one day he will see that he didn't give us half a chance. I wish I could fast forward time ... when the divorce has long been final, when I am long over the fact that he has replaced me with someone new (I am sure he will do it rather quickly),when I can see that my daughter will be ok, when I am comfortable being alone, and the extended family back in our respective countries we support right now will be ok without our combined financial support. So much comes undone when one strays.

Truth waits for eyes unclouded by longing.

~~Tao Te Ching

Posts: 152 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 10