SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Wayward Side
User Topic: Double life ending it?
suspended
New Member
Member # 41576
Stop  Posted: 6:31 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

Faithful for 18 years, avid church goer for 11 of them now I'm more agnostic then anything, I never thought I would be here, but like many I am.

I lead a double life. Outwardly I'm a super dad, husband, professional by day and Sugar Daddy the rest of the time.

It started off simple with txting girls I met on a website and I remember being nauseous the first time I did. I couldn't believe this world was out there. I was like a kid in a candy store, but so scared to eat a piece of candy. Slowly I became acclimated to the lifestyle step by step ultimately leading to full bore infidelity.

Over the course of months I finaly met a girl 16 years my junior, tattooed, piercings, artsy, musical, I was on a business trip. We didn't do anything just dinner, drinks, and talked.

It was enough of a rush that I was hooked since then there have been 6 different girls all 14-19 years my junior that I've had trysts with over the last 3 years usually for 4-6 months at a time. They all have been physical included sex, daily txt, and all of the fixings of a classic sugar daddy/baby relationship. I've talked to hundreds though.

Unlike most people who cheat I am very cautious, but just like most people who do cheat I too do not believe I will be caught. I have 3 layers of anonymity a CC with a false last name, a fake id with false adress and same name, and two phone apps that I use for communication that I delete and reinstall each day as I leave for work. These girls are being equally fooled as my whole story is a false one. All of these young women have been out of town 2-8hrs away. We generally only meet up once a month the rest is just text.

I could be caught if my wife put software on my phone, but it's a work phone, so that won't happen. She could use the home computer, but we have 6 different logins, so it's doubtful that would ever happen. The computer sits in the front room her and I rarely ever log into. She could though I've been meaning to wipe that out for safe measure.

My question is I alway feel guilty duh, but don't stop. How did others who were in this situation find the will to stop this lifestyle or a similar one?

The reasoning for this behavior is twofold. My core belief of the world has forever changed with my lack of belief in a true afterlife, so does anything really matter in the end? Secondly, after severe traumatic event my heart is very hard nowadays. I find myself focusing on myself and my "fleshly" wants alot more. As far as the younger woman it's just their youth and virality. How tight their bodies are, new experiences, and seeing their different view on life. It's like a really extravagent date with a hot younger women 1-2 times a month that you know ends in crazy sex.

I still put on a front in my day to day life and act happy, silly, funny like I always have, but inside I am numb to almost everything. I have compartmentalized my actions and know deep down I cannot continue. This is not a sustainable lifestyle.

So, again if you have led a double life, how did you quit it? I don't want to hear too much about people who were caught and forced to quit. Who quit on their own?

[This message edited by suspended at 6:38 PM, December 8th (Sunday)]


Posts: 26 | Registered: Dec 2013
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

I was caught, fortunately, before I got in too deep. But I''m weighing in anyway.

You understand, I think, that what you''re doing is wrong. But you''re addicted. You love the rush. Many of us here can relate to that.

You''re here, I hope, because you want help. Because, deep down, you want to stop. You and I have that in common, as far as first posts on SI. I was plagued with insomnia, but didn''t overtly feel guilty and wasn''t yet ready to give up my drug of choice.

How do you quit it? Like you quit drinking, or smoking, or heroin. You stop. You get through a day. And then two. You get help. You have a choice. Make it.

inside I am numb to almost everything

Many of us here can relate to this too. If you want help: quit. Stick around. We''ll help you.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1228 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
astudentoflife
Member
Member # 25821
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

The tone of this post is pretty arrogant to be honest. My initial response is one of repulsion, based on my own behavior and change because of that.

Then I go to thinking you are on a site for people damaged from infidelity. If you truly believed your lifestyle was anything of value you wouldn't be here. I just reread your post and found that you do in fact feel guilty. Welcome to our site. :)

So, I will say a lot of people on this site never thought that they would get caught, like you. They never thought they could get caught up in the circumstances you put yourself into. Lets be honest, these girls aren't the wholesome hookers of "Pretty Lady" fame. They are the dregs that are in the spot they are in because of personality issues, drugs, pimps. I know some of these girls personally. I'm gonna bet you had some close calls with some of these girls already, who can be the most manipulative and dangerous people.

So lets look at the reality of your situation. You believe you have the wool pulled over these womens eyes and everyone else's. That is simply not true. There could be crazy boyfriend or a known associate of one your ladies waiting to kill you and take everything from you. Don't believe me? I have intimate knowledge of girls like this from a standpoint of working with them for years. They take every john's tale of his life to be bullshit and use any avenue to find out more about him and his money. A drug in your drink or a gun pointed at you in a moment of hot passion may change your mind, when you lose everything. That for starters should give you pause.Those people don't see you they see a wallet, nothing more and nothing less. They laugh at you when you go and probably make comments about your "attributes". Do you really enjoy being a laughingstock? Don't let me hear about how "high a standard" they are either, I will call bullshit on that. There are no happy, well adjusted hookers that I have ever known.

I will next address your spirituality. I understand the emptiness of of religion. I will give a qualifier here, I am an atheist and I am not bashing the beliefs of others, these are my thoughts and feelings and mine and mine alone. I get the feeling of absolute unbelief in any of the thousands of man made gods. I don't buy into any of them. That is not to say that I have no beliefs or higher purpose in my life. I see the universe and feel apart of it. I feel my connection to mankind. I have made it my life commitment to be the best husband my wife could ever have, because she was always here for me, no matter how twisted I became. So you are an agnostic and don't believe in fairy tales anymore, neither do I or thousands like me, however we still have an anchor grounded in humanity and love for our fellow human beings.

Here is the single most important question and reason to change. How do you feel about being dishonest with your family, wife and friends? How does it feel to have a life that is a fraud? If the answer is you are okay with it. Then I would suggest that you take your worldview a bit further and realize that your wife and family don't matter. Abandon them and simply enjoy your life. Why wouldn't you? I really don't think you would be here if you thought that for one instant.

If the thought of being a fraud niggles at you. If the feeling of betraying your wife and family niggles at you. Then I would say, stop posting for awhile and read these boards. Forget about who was caught or who did it "on their own" and simply read about people's experiences and learn from them. Then start posting and become and active member. We all welcome you if you are sincere and will do anything to help you along the way.

For me it was not the threat of eternal damnation that put me in check, or a sky daddy watching every move I made. It was simply human decency. Do you really need more than that to change your lifestyle? Think of the innocent bystanders in all of this and your duty to them.

Your post was arrogant to the point it actually triggered me. Your post hit a lot of buttons for me and I am not kidding about having intimate knowledge of the types of girls you are seeing. I know a lot of men like yourself, and I know the emptiness and self loathing that you are experiencing. I also get the personal trauma, although you did not get into specifics, I would like to hear more about that if you feel you can share.

I am not trying to be harsh. Your world is not as clean and tidy as like to think it is, and I am pointing that out with the knowledge that I do have. You put yourself into a dangerous situation each and every time you meet with one of these "vital" young women, and you put the innocents in your life at jeopardy as well. If you have a daughter, how old is she? Does that hit close to home as well?

The place to begin is to start asking yourself the questions that I just posed and to think beyond yourself and to those who trust and love you.

[This message edited by astudentoflife at 8:20 PM, December 8th (Sunday)]


WS:52 Male
BS:47 Female
Working towards R and forgiveness.
Also working on domestic abuse issues (9 months abuse free, working hard for more)
My wife is my greatest teacher and best friend.


Posts: 320 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Florida
suspended
New Member
Member # 41576
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

@20wrongsvs1 advice noted and I know that is all it takes 1 day at a time.

@astudentoflife, I believe the life you think you know you do not. These aren't prostitutes I'm sort of confused about your drug, gun, killing piece of your post. These are all undergrad or graduate students UT, FSU, Emory, Temple, and Georgia Tech and the artist was not in school. Typical allowances are in the $1500/month range plus dates I'm not sure if we are talking about the same lifestyle here. This is two people who txt daily, share life's tidbits, and choose to add to each other's life in a sometimes discreet, but mutually beneficial way. The current young woman is at FSU going for a MSEE. We go to musicals, ballets, concerts, and then have crazy monkey sex afterwards. She has a longterm BF in college and obviously I'm married. That's how most of these arrangements work. This is very high end stuff 4 star hotels, weekend getaways, not some 150hr in a hotel room.

Of course fraud bothers me, but again the "does it matter" overrules it or I wouldn't have continued this long. I assume my "does it matter" argument has a limit I wouldn't attempt to jusify murder, theft, bullying, judgement, rape, etc etc. Since I am engaged in this activity I'm definitely torn about what I've been doing and many other actions too. I justify/compartmentalize it and continue to "Do what I need to Do!"

As far as lineage everything is forgotten. 100 years from now no one will mention my name or my life it will be forgotten. All we have is the now!! As much as I respect all views on the afterlife life itself makes much more sense when you have a concrete view in a afterlife. Without that our lives truly are inconsequential from a world view perspective.

My biggest reason for wanting to quit is selfish. I would never confess, but would hate to be found out because it's so Jerry Springer ish. It would shock the foundation of what I am known for and what I "preach" to everyone around me.

The 2nd reason is my wife deserves more! She is still quite faithful and does plenty of volunteering homeless, Habitat for Humanity, Soup kitchens, etc etc.

For 25% of my life I lived a principle based life. Right is right!! I allowed very little leniancy didn't watch R rated movies, porn never, cursing never, always trying to live by the Golden rule because it is the right thing.

Unlike you it was driven because it is how we are "supposed to live" once that belief is removed. The selfish desires creep and in and the "does it matter" justification steps in.

I know what I need to do regardless of motivation. I just need to make that step!

[This message edited by suspended at 8:48 PM, December 8th (Sunday)]


Posts: 26 | Registered: Dec 2013
Mrs Panda
Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

Agnostic too. Not buying your philosophy of life though. It matters to me so much more how we spend this life, if there is nothing else.

I think if you want to live this lifestyle and it makes you happy, divorce your wife and keep doing it.

Keeping the truh from your wife is wrong. She is being forced to live a lie. Not to mention the exposure to STDs that having sex with multiple people can lead to.

You are deciding what is right for her.

But it sounds like you want to stop. Still, your reasons are unclear to me. Because you feel sorry for your wife? Because you may be exposed?

I guess I was hoping to hear you say "because this other life is not me. Not the authentic me. I want to be me again."

Figure out who you are first. What is important to you? And when you die, what will have mattered ?


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1991 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
astudentoflife
Member
Member # 25821
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

"They are not prostitutes"
Oh yeah you got the "nice" girls just trying to live their lives and they are "high end". I've heard it all before. I've seen it all before, so stop with the BS, really. They see you because of your wallet. Wanna try an experiment. Stop paying for everything. See how long your "mutual sharing" lasts. What do you think, it is your "charm" they flit to? Do you think it is because you are so good in bed? You say some of these girls are almost 20 years your junior, do you honestly think they don't have boyfriends there own age? Come on step into reality here.

You don't think for an instant that one might have a jealous boyfriend in the wings. Maybe just behind the door of her apartment, or watching from the next table, seething at you? Really, how old are you? You think they are clean upstanding ladies who don't have a viscous drug habit or a pimp putting them out or a loser, crazy boyfriend, or simply are sociopaths? Again, how old are you? You have been extremely lucky, for now.

I was going to suggest with your attitude to life that you simply be man enough to let your wife and kids go and pursue your interests. However, I don't think you are that man or you wouldn't be here. You wouldn't be watching your post and responding so quickly.

You mentioned being a father. Your kids will talk about you to their children and their children will talk about you to their children. That is how humans live on, after centuries. If you think you can keep this up indefinable and not have your children find out, you are simply wrong. You actually remind me of the people who make the "perfect murder" No such thing. You may think you have all of the answers, but you really don't. Your lies will catch you out sooner or later. Why not do the right thing and clean up your act? Ensure that your children will talk with great admiration and love for their father in the future and beyond. Walk proud in integrity. Which you do not have right now in any way shape or form.

It seems you lost your belief and everything is meaningless. Has something damaged you that much? Death of a partner. Death of a parent. Death of a child. Failure at your career. Ad infinitum. Everyone has issues and we all (here anyway) try our best to be the best we can.

I think you have a conscience and that is what will guide you to do the right thing. You wouldn't be here otherwise or you would be off having "fun" and not giving it an extra thought.

I haven't heard a word other than telling us your wife is nice, about your family. Your responsibility to them. To your vows. To their feelings. You seem very selfish and deluded at the moment. I hope you get a handle on this.


WS:52 Male
BS:47 Female
Working towards R and forgiveness.
Also working on domestic abuse issues (9 months abuse free, working hard for more)
My wife is my greatest teacher and best friend.


Posts: 320 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Florida
astudentoflife
Member
Member # 25821
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

I know you don't think I have a handle on your "lifestyle". Believe me I do. I have been involved with the sex trade for many years and I have seen all levels of it. I've seen girls die. I've seen jealous boyfriends acting out because they were lied to or simply lost patience with their girlfriends. I've known sociopaths who don't give a crap about their clients and will use every means to get what they want. All of this under the veneer of "respectability". No "normal" healthy people prostitute themselves. If you don't believe these girls are prostitutes, take my challenge and close the wallet and see what happens.

I of course laid out the worst of the worst to get you to understand that you are on the face of it a rube if you don't believe this is prostitution. That is a very dangerous place to be in. You have given yourself a false sense of security. It doesn't matter how long you have been doing it, it will catch you out one day if you are not careful. You don't sound careful or knowledgeable to me at any rate. Hell, maybe being murdered by a crazy boyfriend is a stretch, how about everyday common variety of blackmail?

What could happen to you and by definition, to your family, could make Jerry Springer look like a walk in the park. Your air of "respectability" could be damaged beyond repair, because it is a false air Your life is based on a web of lies.

You don't seem to have the value of actually being a good husband, father and whatever else. Your life, as we have been told by your posts, is all about illusion. The biggest illusion you have is your kind of "fun" and that doesn't bode well for your future. Gently, from your posts you are admittedly naive.

I urge you to step into the light and become for real the man you present to the rest of the world.


WS:52 Male
BS:47 Female
Working towards R and forgiveness.
Also working on domestic abuse issues (9 months abuse free, working hard for more)
My wife is my greatest teacher and best friend.


Posts: 320 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Florida
suspended
New Member
Member # 41576
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, December 8th (Sunday)

@Mrs.Panda, no I'm stuck between unbelief and lack of purpose in what I believe in and what I believe matters in life. No afterlife then this life is finite and largely irrelevant. Just live and try to make as few ripples as possible.

@studentoflife, I already stated most had boyfriends lol. I know exactly what this is lol. Trust me there is a huge difference these women wouldn't touch a 50-60yr old man with a 10ft pole. It's about adding to each other's life and something that is palpable for both parties. Normally the screening process alone takes a month std checks, background check, it's fairly formal. Normally I have full access to their FB and Instagram accounts that way I know even more what they are up too. Unless you have the $$$ to live this life I doubt you have really seen it first hand. It's easy to see that because of your assumptions. They are that of someone who has lived at strip clubs and hobbyist websites.

So, when we fly to NYC for the weekend her boyfriend is waiting? What about when we go to downtown Atlanta? Your generalizations couldn't be more out of whack and are so simpleton in thought I wonder what you were into for so long that you have seen what you say you have?

Since you asked I'm 38 married at 18. As for the latter piece you wrote? Now you are starting to hit the nail on the head.

My life is a total illusion, deluded and false are great acronyms to describe it. As I said these girls/women know the complete falsehood I have provided them with they know a convoluted version of my real life: false city, false name, false career which aids the act and it makes it easier to compartmentalize. It's like a side job almost.

It wasn't always like this just the past 3 years or so. The pendulum has swung from being a rule based, principle based, family focused, good citizen to a selfish, destructive, me first person who wears but the skin of his formal self. I have no family except my wife and kids. I was adopted and both birth mom and adopted parents have passed on. My birth father is unknown.

Thanks for you input much of it is spot on....even if I do think you have very little experience in this type of relationship.


[This message edited by suspended at 10:26 PM, December 8th (Sunday)]


Posts: 26 | Registered: Dec 2013
SlowUptake
Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 2:08 AM, December 9th (Monday)

Unless you have the $$$ to live this life I doubt you have really seen it first hand.

OK, so you are elite. You're a rube nontheless.

Whether it's $20 for a quick BJ in a car or a $1500 a month "allowance" to get all the extras, it's still prostitution (you give them money, they give you sex). It is of no consequence how it's packaged.

As an aside, that's really expensive "packaging" for a couple of times a month, guess they saw you coming.(pun intended)

I think you need to ask yourself why you are so stuck on it being anything other than what it is?

Your problem is actually pretty simple to fix.
To end the double life you simply have to give up one.

Since you have stated you have no moral centre anymore, why do you hang on to the illusion of the more decent lifestyle? Why should you care what others think of you since it will all be forgotton in a 100 years. Let go and be free. Tell your wife, blow up your marriage, you've already done the damage, then you will be free to pursue what you really want.
Or maybe despite your protestation you do care what people think and you're simply finding an excuse for your cheating in the "I've lost my morality" defense.

Just something to ponder.


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
suspended
New Member
Member # 41576
Default  Posted: 2:45 AM, December 9th (Monday)

@Slowuptake, I don't disagree it isn't prostitution if only on the basis of definition. It's just not typical prostitution many don't know the world even exists at this level.

It's prostitution then add 100 txt messages a day, mentorship, a screening process, make sure there is compatibility, sharing tidbits of life's joys, extended time doing normal things together and then I'll agree it's just prostitution lol.

The illusion is to maintain a life I enjoy. I love being married, have a great relationship with my wife good sex life, great kids, this is just the cherry on top. Ideally I would never give up either, but reality is the latter has to go.

Lack of that moral belief system is definitely why I allowed this to happen. I don't think it is right hence why I live under dual illusions to protect the life I enjoy. My life is better with the illusions than the truth. Being honest will do nothing except change my standard of living, change my great relationship with my kids and wife, and possibly affect work, but my arrogance allows me to believe I'm above the system and will not get caught.

That same brain the exudes arrogance is also a realist and this isn't sustainable. Better to quit while I'm ahead then continue to risk everything.

[This message edited by suspended at 2:48 AM, December 9th (Monday)]


Posts: 26 | Registered: Dec 2013
leftoolate
Member
Member # 22658
Default  Posted: 3:56 AM, December 9th (Monday)

Better to quit while I'm ahead then continue to risk everything.
You're risking everything, yet you actually think you're 'ahead'? That's almost funny.

Once you hit rock bottom, you'll be able to get ahead. And fix your world view while you're at it. I remember, vaguely, how I felt when I was coming down to my lowest point in the weeks after my husband discovered my affair. It was awful. I feel for you.

Good luck,
~L.


If you came this far, you're looking for something. - Jrazz

Posts: 817 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Europe
suspended
New Member
Member # 41576
Default  Posted: 4:28 AM, December 9th (Monday)

@lefttoolate, what if you had not got caught? Would have still been in the affair?

If you read my post I still fail to see how I get caught if I stop now? Not impossible, but a plausible explanation for how it would happen eludes me.

These events have all happenned 100's of miles away. No one has my name, address, or real phone number. My phone is a work phone, so no chance of her touching that. I use Burner/Voice the numbers are completely fictitious.

The only way I get caught is if I confess or she puts something on the home laptop. She doesn't have admin rights, but there are ways around that.


Posts: 26 | Registered: Dec 2013
leftoolate
Member
Member # 22658
Default  Posted: 4:43 AM, December 9th (Monday)

What I meant was: whenever you hit your lowest point. Mine came a few weeks after my husband had discovered my affair. If he headn't discovered it, my 'rock bottom' might have been another moment. That's just the sequence of events in my life.

Your 'rock bottom' moment will be in your life, it may not have anything to do with your wife learning of your affair, if she ever even does.

Point is, people generally don't try to change their ways until the present situation causes them more discomfort than the change would. You are not exempt from this. And given the great percieved discomfort of the change, your present situation will have to become a whole lot more uncomfortable before you are willing to dig into your own heart and mind as much as you need to.

Fixing your life is not for sissies, and it doesn't look as though you've found your courage yet. Courage to change yourself to suit your values, rather than changing your values to suit yourself.

A good therapist can help you with this, if you're willing. You'd have to find one you can't outsmart, though.

L.


If you came this far, you're looking for something. - Jrazz

Posts: 817 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Europe
SlowUptake
Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 4:46 AM, December 9th (Monday)

It's just not typical prostitution many don't know the world even exists at this level.

It's prostitution then add 100 txt messages a day, mentorship, a screening process, make sure there is compatibility, sharing tidbits of life's joys, extended time doing normal things together and then I'll agree it's just prostitution lol.

Oh please, your arrogance knows no bounds. BTDT. Call it "rentacompanion with benefits" if it makes you feel better. I find however, if it quacks like a duck, walks like a duck, flys & floats like a duck, it's a duck (or a witch, if you're a Monty Python fan). It doesn't matter that it can also whistle dixie while riding a unicycle, that just makes it a very talented duck.

You simply partake of the western version of a vice that is all too common, well known by we poor illinformed people & centuries old in the east.

A little off topic and I mean no disrespect, but why is it that some Americans think that the USA invented vice & immorality? end t/j.

At the end of the day your mind is a mixed bag of guilt, justification, selfishness, entitlement, denial, grand standing, arrogance, elitism, ignorance and just plain stupidity.

I wish you luck in straightening it out, because sooner than you think the shit is gonna hit the fan.

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 5:58 AM, December 9th (Monday)]


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
DessieLessie
New Member
Member # 39991
Default  Posted: 5:15 AM, December 9th (Monday)

"The only way I get caught is if I confess or she puts something on the home laptop."

Or if she gets an STD from you. Or if you leave your phone unattended one day and she picks it up. Or you slip up and bring home some evidence in your luggage. Or if she just gets a 'feeling' and starts snooping.

My experience with cheating is limited to one long term affair and a ONS (previous relationship), not multiple indiscretions, so it's not quite an analogous situation. But here is my experience anyway. He never found out; I confessed. I had too much respect for him to continue the lies. I should have left the relationship before I wandered. I no longer cheat because I remember how horrible that feeling is and I would rather die than put my husband through that pain.

A long time ago, I used to do online chatting/phone sex and a few face to face meetings with older men. Some were married. I had a short acquaintance with a guy who was afraid of his wife finding out his kink. We did a scene because he said it would stop him going to a prostitute. It just fed his kink and he ended up going to a prostitute anyway.

The whole experience left me very cynical about men, especially married men. Many would tell me how unhappy their relationships were, how they were on the verge of divorce or were just staying for the sake of the kids, etc etc. It took a long time before I could trust any man.

If the idea of potentially exposing your wife to disease, sorrow and public ridicule isn't enough to make you want to quit, perhaps you could also dwell on the message you're sending to these young women about what marriage is like?

I also wanted to comment on your agnosticism. You don't need to have faith in god to have morals. If you think it doesn't matter what you do, perhaps you could ask yourself how you'd feel if your wife cheated. Or why you're keeping it a secret if it doesn't really matter?


Posts: 21 | Registered: Jul 2013
SurprisinglyOkay
Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 6:04 AM, December 9th (Monday)

You've gotten some good responses here. But I'll address your initial question.


So, again if you have led a double life, how did you quit it? I don't want to hear too much about people who were caught and forced to quit. Who quit on their own?


Do you really want to stop?

Tell your wife.

You may not get caught, but at the end of the day you have to live with you.
You know what you're doing and it's uncomfortable.

Is this:

but inside I am numb to almost everything
any way to live?

If you don't tell her, and keep your cheating a secret I'm sure you'll be fine for a while, but eventually it'll wear away at you, it'll wear you down.

My tagline is "Your secrets keep you sick" for a reason. I heard that for years. I didn't get it until I told my BS my big secret. It wasn't until I let that go that I was able to begin freeing myself from my self made prison of secrets and lies.

Tell your wife.
Let her know who she is married to.
Let her make her decisions about her life with all the information.

Welcome to SI. This place can be a lifesaver.


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1134 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
astudentoflife
Member
Member # 25821
Default  Posted: 6:22 AM, December 9th (Monday)

It's prostitution then add 100 txt messages a day, mentorship, a screening process, make sure there is compatibility, sharing tidbits of life's joys, extended time doing normal things together and then I'll agree it's just prostitution lol.

Good, I'm glad we agree it is prostitution. You just have the extended girlfriend experience TM. BTW I am not a strip club attendee nor a hobbiest. I know these girls from the other side as working people. So tune down the arrogance for just a little while.

So basically something happened to your life as alluded to in your first and a few posts after that changed your life view, correct? What happened? I think sharing about that would be the perfect opening to getting the answers you are searching for. Open up if you really want change. I don't mean open up to the high flying aspects of your pseudo life, frankly it is annoying to talk to someone about such things when they won't even be honest about them.

My world view is very important to my life. Yes, religion is no longer an option for me. I could go on about gods, god and the improbability of all of them. However, I did not throw out morality, honesty, care and compassion with those gods. The
'truth' in the bible cans still be found, like it can in any human literature and can be helpful to all of we humans,if we choose to utilize it. Why did you choose the route of the animal, that is not self aware and reacts to it's world? No hit on animals, however I think everyone would agree that certain animals lack any kind of "moral" guidance. One part of your posts alludes to what some christians argue about being godless, that it leads to dogs and cats living together, the absolute destruction of life as we know it because God isn't in heaven watching over us. Does that touch part of what happened to you?

How did you reach the point of writing entire posts that have nothing to do with your wife's feelings, hopes, life and we don't even know your childrens genders or age, what school is like for them. And yet you claim a great relationship? Something doesn't add up for me in all of this. Think about that for a little while.

Do you really lack the respect for your wife to not think, even for a little moment that she may have resources of her own and having you watched, that she might be just as "smart" as yourself? Arrogance will be your downfall if you let it.

You say you know what to do. Why are you here then asking us? A smart guy like you should have it all figured out and it should be a cake walk, right? Maybe the arrogance and calculating is all you have at the moment and you desire more, could that be close to the truth?

Look you may find someone to help you that didn't get caught. Don't turn away the learning you can get from everyone on this site though. Frankly I feel for you and how utterly awful it must be to have a life of nothing but lies. I hope you find what you are looking for, really.


WS:52 Male
BS:47 Female
Working towards R and forgiveness.
Also working on domestic abuse issues (9 months abuse free, working hard for more)
My wife is my greatest teacher and best friend.


Posts: 320 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Florida
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, December 9th (Monday)

Suspended,

The fact that you are on this site shows you must have some remorse and guilt for your actions and want to change your behavior.

But to put it bluntly, you sound like a real life Christian Grey to me....and I agree with the others the arrogance is overwhelming.

I'm not trying to judge you but am just wondering where the remorse is....how do you think this would affect your wife and children when they find out?

What is more important to you? Being a family man or a sugar daddy?


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 868 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
RuinedEverything
New Member
Member # 36758
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, December 9th (Monday)

Ok wow. Although I may not agree with what this man is doing, he has taken the first step to ask for help and instead of trying to advise him, you are all ripping apart his character and what he is doing. Does it matter if they are prostitutes? No, it doesn't. I do not agree that because a man chooses to pay for a younger woman that makes her a prostitute. At 38, he's not old. I was attracted to a 37 year old when I was 18. Ripping apart him and the woman who choose to keep company with him is not going to help. We are all here because we made mistakes.

So, my advice to you is, although it may be hard you need to break off all contact and come clean. You don't have to come clean right away. It took me over a year to come clean about my A. You need help. This is obviously a sex addiction problem. You need to seek help from a professional and her treatment for this or it will consume and ruin your life. Look at your wife (and kids if you have any). Do they deserve better? Imagine the hurt and heartache your wife would feel if she were to find out. If you love and care for her, that thought will hurt you. You need to make a decision. Your wife deserves someone who loves her. She deserves to know that you are there for her and only her. You took the first step. You obviously want to change but YOU need to do you. You obviously have the money to get therapy and there are tons of professionals that specialize in sex addiction. I wish you the best and hope you make the right decision for yourself as well as your family. I hope this helped.


Posts: 30 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Canada
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, December 9th (Monday)

So, again if you have led a double life, how did you quit it?
You do exactly that. Quit. I did. There wasn't a snowball's chance of me be being caught. I'm more technologically advanced than my husband and my AP was a IT guru. He showed me every way to cover my tracks.

But you have to want to stop. I don't really see that in your posts.

I do think you have very little experience in this type of relationship.

I'm not impressed with your "high class" hookers and how "special" your case is. Don't matter if you're a millionaire or a pennyaire, it's wrong. It's cheating. You are no different than any one of us here. You're a broken Black Hole on the inside. Just like us. Welcome to Wayward Brother.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6288 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 9:29 AM, December 9th (Monday)

RuinedEverything...

No one is "ripping him apart"

Members are giving him advice based on what he provided and he seems to be taking things in stride.

Thank you.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198217 | Registered: May 2002
Clearview
Member
Member # 29565
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, December 9th (Monday)

FWIW - I have a female friend who "just knew" that her husband was "up to no good".

(Do please read about "gut instinct", especially where BS's are concerned. We get it and we can only quiet it down or rationalise it for so long. It get's louder and more bothersome as time goes by until you just *cannot* ignore and have to act.)

I advised her to call on an expert. For the last 9 months she has been collecting evidence. Oodles of it, all stored safely at the investigators office, with copies in my safe - just in case.

Outwardly I'm a super dad, husband, professional

Outwardly. There is nothing redeeming about being something on the outside. Ugly on the inside is ugly on the inside.

ETA - "how do I stop?" Try this - Stop giving money to women who aren't in your immediate family. That should do the trick by christmas.


[This message edited by Clearview at 9:52 AM, December 9th (Monday)]


Posts: 166 | Registered: Sep 2010
DessieLessie
New Member
Member # 39991
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, December 9th (Monday)

Ruined everything, I thought he actually got some pretty good advice so far.

I do not agree that because a man chooses to pay for a younger woman that makes her a prostitute. At 38, he's not old. I was attracted to a 37 year old when I was 18. Ripping apart him and the woman who choose to keep company with him is not going to help. We are all here because we made mistakes.

Actually, by definition it makes them prostitutes. Trying to label it as something it's not, is also not helpful.

I get the feeling that Suspended feels like his affairs are somehow more refined or better than the tawdry dalliances of the rest of us mortals, because: '100s of texts', weekend getaways, restaurants, the ballet and meaningful conversations. But if he didn't spend '$1500 per month plus dates', they probably would not be with him.

So, my advice to you is, although it may be hard you need to break off all contact and come clean.

This I totally agree with. Sadly, I get the impression that Suspended isn't ready to quit yet.

Suspended, perhaps you should try to get some help/counseling for that 'numb inside' feeling. I doubt your agnosticism is the cause of that.

[This message edited by DessieLessie at 10:04 AM, December 9th (Monday)]


Posts: 21 | Registered: Jul 2013
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, December 9th (Monday)

I get the feeling that Suspended feels like his affairs are somehow more refined or better than the tawdry dalliances of the rest of us mortals, because: '100s of texts', weekend getaways, restaurants, the ballet and meaningful conversations. But if he didn't spend '$1500 per month plus dates', they probably would not be with him.
Ding, ding, dinggggggg.

Cheating isn't made better or worse by a dollar amount spend or an individual's social class.

Broken is broken, wayward is wayward, and sadly for his wife's case, betrayed is betrayed. Doesn't matter in which light you try to paint the picture.

Bottom line: The issue is not whether he's paying hookers or getting freebies off Craiglist. The issue is the cheating. The lying. The lack of regard for his wife. The entitlement, arrogance, and numb feeling he describes.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6288 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
RuinedEverything
New Member
Member # 36758
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, December 9th (Monday)

You call it what you want, I will call it what I want. I am entitled to my opinion, as are you. I say what I feel and I'm not here to argue with other members about my opinion.

Posts: 30 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Canada
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 10:19 AM, December 9th (Monday)

RuinedEverything...

You're correct, you are entitled to your opinion, however, what you are not entitled to is to create an atmosphere that is counter-productive to this forum.

Thank you.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198217 | Registered: May 2002
RuinedEverything
New Member
Member # 36758
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, December 9th (Monday)

Deeply Scared

Please then explain to me how my opinion is counter productive? So, what you're saying is that if I do not agree with everyone else that I shouldn't be entitled to post because it is "counter productive"? Did I not give him good advice? No, you're not looking at that.


Posts: 30 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Canada
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, December 9th (Monday)

I'll send you a PM to not distract any further from this thread.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198217 | Registered: May 2002
Mrs Panda
Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, December 9th (Monday)

Suspended, I am not sure you understood my original post, as I was saying that I am also agnostic but don't buy the "nothing matters" lifestyle.

Anyway , the more important point in my post was asking you if you wanted to change because this life is not true to who ou are.

I am also wondering whether you enjoy the satisfaction of buying and Controlling what you want. You work hard, and want to spend money on what you want. Some guys buy cars, boats, you have this. Is the control as exciting as the sex?

Would you go to counseling ?


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1991 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
pointofnoreturn
Member
Member # 41034
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, December 9th (Monday)

Atheist here. Nope, my lack of belief in a God didn't cause my infidelity. The "if there's no God, then what's stopping us from going out and raping and murdering everyone!?" Is really shitty reason.

Simply put, ones lack of religion does not make one immoral, just like ones belief in a religion does not make them moral. I under the impression that morals simply stem from altruism. That is the sacrifice of an individual for the benefit of the entire species. Many animals practice it as well, but given we are cognitive, we have evolved to a much higher level.

Basically, what I'm suggesting is that it's a mere excuse to hide behind the no morals since I'm agnostic spiel. Again, ANIMALS who are in all sense Atheists have some sense of morals. I think the true reason is the same for almost any Wayward here: it was there, it was offered, so we took it.


Me- WGF 22
Him- BBF 21
Ddays:
August 2011
September 26th, 2013

"A lesson is learned. Life is. Simply. There is no Death. There is no Before. There is no After. All is in Flux. Simply."


Posts: 187 | Registered: Oct 2013
suspended
New Member
Member # 41576
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, December 9th (Monday)

Good replies thanks!!

The core really is the God/Church/Afterlife piece that may be hard for non believers to believe, but it's how I am.

Before being a church goer I cheated, partied, drugs, exuberance, lied, me, me, me all the time a true POS.

Then once born again and the belief meter pegged I lived a model life for a long time almost 1/2 my life. Practically a Ned Flanders from the Simpsons just much wealthier.

Once that came crumbling down I slowly over the course of YEARS started to be more secular. It was a progression it was like being a teenager again. Watching R rate movies, a little porn, websites, and finally culminating with this lifestyle of lies, illusions, tricks, emptiness, and utter selfishness.

Some have asked about my day or the family. A typical day is up at 5:30 make coffee, wake the kids up make breakfast, be silly joke with them. My wife usually get's up too and we hang out for about 45 minutes. I leave for work.......install my phone apps for communication purposes.

Work from 8-4/6pm, wife and I txt, flirt, talk about the kids, her days are filled with volunteering or work. She works part time doing something she loves. Kids come home we do basketball, soccer, Karate, homework, etc. I will leave work about the time they get home uninstall my apps and come home doing the aforementioned. Dinner, I go to the gym, and then it's just a night doing whatever we plan as a family.

The wife and I generally have one date night a week out and about except the weekend I fly out.

Next day is repeat.

I handle all of the finances I make about 98% of the income, so she has a debit card linked to a discretionary spending account. I buy all the cars, trips, set her budget, retirement, everything. She doesn't even know what we have as far as assets just that we are well off.

My life is a great one by all outside measure it's my internal struggles that are obviously a mess.

I travel to one of two sites every 4-5 weeks and fly whoever I am with (girl on the side) to that area when I am there.

That's the cliff notes version. So, tomorrow I'm going to try to not install those apps and see how that goes. Maybe immerse myself in a book, workout harder, and do some Christmas activities with the kids.

Again thx


Posts: 26 | Registered: Dec 2013
astudentoflife
Member
Member # 25821
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, December 9th (Monday)

I got a bit of the suspend that I can relate to in that post, thank you.

It was good to hear about your family. I think one step is to realize that you are not giving them what they need to make the decisions in their lives, by virtue of your secret life. Does that really feel good? You are with holding facts to benefit yourself. A man (or woman) of integrity does not do that.

I know it is very hard to think that your wife could very well take a lot of your assets if this every came out. That is a given by the length of your marriage. However, if you don't tell her, even if you stop all of this selfish behavior, she could one day find out, by means that you and me and anyone else are not wise enough to realize. I won't go into them here.

It must be hard to realize that if told your wife may not decide to take you to the cleaners, but would want nothing to do with you and your children could hate you.

I perceive you are looking for answers that will keep your marriage intact, get you off from this selfish behavior and to live happily ever after. Am I correct in that assumption? I doubt you will find anyone who has done the hard work of R to give you any sort of advice than to fess up, take the consequences and beg your wife for another chance. To do anything else would be to help someone stay on the path of self delusion.

It is hard and I didn't tell my wife all the details at first. I wish I could go back and change that. You will have no integrity until you face your demons and the consequences of those actions you have taken. It will eat you up.

My life was a lot like yours (prior to your high flying prostitute lifestyle. Im sorry it is so delusional it warrants degradation)I was a drunk and a carouser and didn't give a shit about anyone else. I went to AA. I got a little bit of that higher power stuff. I prayed. I did a lot of things. Today, I realize that it was me that made the changes. No god. No incantations. Just me trying to change my life. Despite your incredibly devious and "reasoned" actions to live your double life, I believe you are easily manipulated. You came to believe the "born again" lifestyle was your salvation. When you couldn't believe the stories they told you anymore, you dropped it completely and went the opposite direction. Highs, lows no in between.

My wife told me that I lacked a higher power. Something outside of myself that made me not feel I was god in my life. (understand god has no meaning to me other than a thing that keeps me in check.) So, after a lot of soul searching I found human kind to be my "god". I try to live my life as people we talk about all the time would (Plato, Lincoln, the people on this board) It has not been hard for me to do. I simply don't buy any of the stories of any of the thousands of gods man has envisioned. But I can relate to people of honor and integrity.

Stop doing what you are doing. Tell your family and face the consequences, whatever they are. Do the hard work and find yourself once again. These are the only ways in which I could tell you that you will find peace. Also, we are here for you, to help with those long nose dives that are part and parcel of living a life of integrity.

All the best of luck suspend.


WS:52 Male
BS:47 Female
Working towards R and forgiveness.
Also working on domestic abuse issues (9 months abuse free, working hard for more)
My wife is my greatest teacher and best friend.


Posts: 320 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Florida
suspended
New Member
Member # 41576
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, December 9th (Monday)

Highs, lows no in between.

You have to remember in regards to church I was 19.5!! Having no family or anyone at all, so I believe it met a need in me at the time. Being so formidable it was all I knew for a very long time.

I will never confess and fail to see how that helps anything or anyone (maybe me), but that's it.

No one likes to feel as if they have been lied too, are part of a facade, let alone a cover up as big as mine.

My utopia is exactly that (except for my own demons) bringing utter destruction to their world is not a option.

Regardless of what many like to believe in the real world, real life, living in a real reality not a principle based one Ignorance truly is bliss.

If you have any upper level military you will vehemently agree. Often things that are seen cannot be unseen things that heard cannot be unheard the benefit of these things is NIL.

My plan is to continue to read the BS side. Really be empathetic with the "what if" of discovery let that cut deep. The pain of the mirrors reflection looking back at me.

Then bury this until the end. Worst case I'll see a therapist lol.


Posts: 26 | Registered: Dec 2013
Mrs Panda
Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, December 9th (Monday)

Then bury this until the end.

The problem with this plan is that your conscience will get the best of you. The lies fester inside and come out in different ways. Avoidance, compartmentalization, addiction, abuse.

Love aside. It shows great disrespect to your wife to carry this to the grave.

And it will never allow you to be whole again.


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1991 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
Secrets Kept
Member
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 12:06 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

OK....been reading & needed to say something.

I understand the " I will never confess & take it to my grave" shit.

All religión aside & without doing a T/J.....I had an affair on my current husband 5 years ago. To this day, we have never addressed it. He recently said something to the effect of......"if there was an affair that happened & was realized to be a mistake & you regretted it & knew it would never happen again.....I wouldnt want to know."

So yes, I will never tell even though by his remark, I know he knows something.

So my advice to you then would be to not push it, do whats right, & quit NOW. Then work on putting all that money, energy, & time into your marriage, family & your continued recovery to be the best husband, father & man that you can be.

NOW...to continue how important my above words of advice are...from my BW side......stop now because I agree with another póster that we all have that "gut instinct" & I have read a post on the BS side, where a BW believed her WH was cheating when he went out of town & it was advised to them to hire a PI even to follow out of town & I remember thinking that $$ must not have been an issue because she liked the idea & did it. How sure are you really that it wasnt your BW?

Plus, you know what really tears at my heart strings in your post? Is that you said you still had a great sex life. It just makes me really sad for your BW. All factors aside, such as, disease, danger, prostitution, etc. It would just crush me as a wife, knowing that after you went & did all the glamoury trips, óperas, monkey-sexcapades....that you think so little of me to just go home & fuck me like it is all OK!!! KWIM??? And come on, be honest enough with yourself that you do.

Would you not care that she had a lover who she was having an A with while you were gone, would it not bother you to find you were being treated as the sloppy seconds where some OM had just shot his load? (Sorry.....just keeping it real here)

One other thing.....do you have a little girl? Would you want your 18-20 year old little girl fucking a 38 year old man involving any mind of money? Or would you want your daughter being treated this way by her husband or BF? It just aint right dude. You know it isnt, plus as a mom myself.....I would hunt you down for involving my daughter in something like that. And her father would probably outright hunt cha down & kill your ass, so yes, there are all types of danger involved.

So I wouldnt push it if you are wanting the "quit-takeittomygrave-bethebesthubby/dadicanbe" kind of life. Something brought you to us.....maybe your own "gut instinct" telling you that you are pushing it or your conscience, either way, you found us for a reason, so welcome.


Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
H-44
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 217 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
Secrets Kept
Member
Member # 40630
Default  Posted: 12:18 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

Sorry.....forgot to add that while, yes, to this day, approx 5 1/2 years later, the guilt still eats at me, but it hasn't festered or taken over my life.

It is my secret to keep & I live with it every day but he will never know at this point.

I also will never do it again!!!

And you can do it to......as long as you stop playing the double life.


Marriage #1=BW-46 (now)
XWH-Deceased on his 36 bday
Divorced in 1996
Marriage #2= Married in 2003
H-44
2 kids together-DS14 & DD12
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"

Posts: 217 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest USA
suspended
New Member
Member # 41576
Default  Posted: 1:48 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

OMG6886, Good post I relate to much of it!!

The only part I'll reply to is the

Would you want your 18-20 year old little girl fucking a 38 year old?

As you can probably tell I compartmentalize, justify, and detach really easilly. Because of past hurts I have many walls to protect my heart and while I seem real, honest, open, far more than most NO ONE knows the real me inside.

21 and up btw 18 is too young must be older than my daughter

You may find this inconsiderate, but I don't really care what my oldest does. She already didn't follow the plan I WANTED her to follow. Granted it was my plan not hers. So, aside from being a drugged out stripper IDC.

She is 20 has dated guys her age all the way up to 27 slept with at least 6 people that I know of. Again, isn't living the way I would want her too at all. She was 3.8gpa student who played volleyball and flute. Who decided that living for the now, being free, and just finding herself was more important than going to college. So, you can say we have a rift. She is 100% adult!! Instead of dating idiot musicians who live on scraps probably finding someone like me may help her I don't know (not married of course). At this point I believe she will just meander in life hanging out with musicians until someone makes it or she realizes she has to do something else all while asking me for help from time to time.

My DR friend's wife used to be a stripper while a undergrad and 1st year med student. She did it to pay for school. Driven as a hell!! It's a great story nowadays people always get a kick when they hear it.

My daughter had a free ride with me at the helm, but chose her artsy life instead. Finding someone like me who is established, wealthy, driven, and would push her for the same might actually be very very good for her. Of course that's not what I would want. I would want her to quit her current life and enroll in school fulltime which I have made clear will still pay for...not for much longer though.

Again it's a life you do not understand and try to break it down black and white which it's not so simple. Just like all affairs while by definition they are the same, in reality they are really all very different with there own set of variables, conditions, and causes.

To somehow take what the elite SB/SD world is and say it's "Wham bam thank you ma'am" is like saying Glenfiddich is just whiskey or Wagyu No Sumibiyaki is just a steak. The amount of time, coaching, screening, advice, that occurs borderlines a real relationship with less facetime. It some ways it as real as it get's no games skips the bologna of traditional dating.

I could argue the sematics of the lifestyle with you all night and we can, but as far as stopping I believe I'm there. Tomorrow is a new day!!

It doesn't mean I won't look at these experiences fondly even if bittersweet.


Posts: 26 | Registered: Dec 2013
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Shutup  Posted: 10:18 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

The portrait you paint of your daughter, let''s call her Electra, sounds familiar.

Who decided that living for the now, being free, and just finding herself was more important

Tree, may I introduce Apple?

I find these two ideas a bit contradictory.

I don''t really care what my oldest does.

...yet

we have a rift

If you don''t care, why the rift? Why not love and accept her, no matter what (or whom) she does?

Not to go all Freud on you, but are you looking to be a surrogate parent to your APs, since you (may feel that you) failed Electra as a father?

Instead of dating idiot musicians who live on scraps probably finding someone like me may help her

Finding someone like me who is established, wealthy, driven, and would push her for the same might actually be very very good for her.

suspended, keep up the introspection. Ditch the demons. Love and accept yourself, your life, your daughter.

Just like all affairs while by definition they are the same, in reality they are really all very different with [their] own set of variables, conditions, and causes.

They''re all different, but yours isn''t superior to anyone else''s.

To somehow take what the elite SB/SD world is and say it''s "Wham bam thank you ma''am" is like saying Glenfiddich is just whiskey

Glenfiddich or Canadian Mist, my cheating friend, no matter how much you pour into your leaky bucket it''ll never fill up.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1228 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
suspended
New Member
Member # 41576
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)

20WrongsVS1, sounds like psychobabble to me buddy.

I'm a firm believer once 18 you are a adult! I was on my own at 18, put myself through school twice, worked my way up through 2 Fortune 100 companies, so yes my daughter's choice and my own are vastly different.

As far as everything else I obviously don't see the world as black and white as you do!! I would argue most of my life experiences are vastly different and arrogantly say BETTER too ;)

Have a good day!!

[This message edited by suspended at 12:37 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 26 | Registered: Dec 2013
caspers1wish
Member
Member # 28720
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)

I'm in a agreement with Aubrie that you have to want to stop, but it sounds like you are not ready. If you need convincing to stop, you're not at that point. I think you get to that point when you realize what you're doing is wrong, that it's not authentic, that you are manipulating everyone around you and are getting a kind of sick thrill about it. That you acknowledge the damage you are doing to yourself, and your family. They may never find out, but what if they did? And if they never do, you are robbing them of a husband and father who is fully engaged. You put a lot of effort and resources in leading a double life, whether you realize it or not, you're cheating your family in many ways. You are right that your wife deserves more, you lack remorse and a sense of empathy, not trying to offend, just a fact. I feel very sorry for your wife who's in the dark. Can you imagine if the tables were reversed and she were doing this to you? How would you feel?

I'm not trying to convince you to do anything or believe anything about yourself. You asked how to quit when not forced. It takes a lot of introspection and deciding on how you want to live your life. You, on some level, know what you're doing is wrong, but you don't feel as compelled to really stop your behavior, to give it up. Whatever you're looking for is only going to come from you and why you are doing this. Maybe get into counseling? Maybe confess to your wife? That'll put things into perspective real quick. What I see is someone playing with fire, and you are bound to get burned. Your choices, ultimately, are yours to own, and yours to determine whether right or wrong, you are also choosing your own consequences.

Whatever is going on with you, I hope you can figure it out, whether it be a mid-life, entitlement, foo issues, chemical imbalance, I don't know. Healthy people don't do this kind of thing. Good luck, keep posting.


Me - FWW (35)
Him - BH (34)
Kids - Ages 6, 8, 10
Married 13 years, together 18 years.
Last D-Day - November 2008

Posts: 772 | Registered: Jun 2010
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
DOH!  Posted: 1:45 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)

Alright, I concur. The fact that you pay young women to fuck you, after enjoying a 5-star meal and the ballet, does make you vastly superior to the rest of us.

Seriously, though, you''re perfectly illustrating two common cheater characteristics. We justify our actions, and we project our feelings (e.g. anger, resentment, fear) onto others.

It''s like they say in AA, if you want to keep drinking, that''s your business. If you want to quit, it''s ours.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1228 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)

Suspended,

Money does not impress me. Fine wine, private jets, and the "finer things in life"? Could care less. You can keep dropping hints about how epic your life is, but know there are a few lowly human urchins around here that see right thru it.

Your awesome fantasy unicorn land will come crashing down around you one day. Cheat and justify if you want. You''re the one that had to live with yourself.

My last piece of advice? Drop the bullshit. Your soul is broken. That''s the bottom line.

I see you here not to get help, but to have debate and look for validation that you''re an ok dude. You get a hard on from the lively conversation. I''ll not partake in that anymore. I mean, that''s what your high class whores are for right? To stroke your ego and validate you?

Good luck in whatever path you choose.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6288 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Clearview
Member
Member # 29565
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:43 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 166 | Registered: Sep 2010
OktoberMest
Member
Member # 34173
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)

Before I posted on SI I read it a bit. I had an idea of what sort of responses I'd get and the general aim of the forums, esp the Wayward one is to call other WWs/WHs out on their bull, and support when support is needed. I'd assume most people posting here have done the same.

Your posts confuse me if I'm honest. You don't listen to people calling you on your excuses and behaviours and you are pains to point out how great your life is, and even BETTER than the rest of ours.

I love being married, have a great relationship with my wife good sex life, great kids, this is just the cherry on top. Ideally I would never give up either, but reality is the latter has to go.

Only you seem to realise it's not really that great...

I still put on a front in my day to day life and act happy, silly, funny like I always have, but inside I am numb to almost everything. I have compartmentalized my actions and know deep down I cannot continue. This is not a sustainable lifestyle.

...yet you still seem so proud of it.

You're adamant you're in control of everything and and while you came here asking how to stop what you're doing, you certainly don't seem to want to stop, in fact you go to great lengths to defend it. So what IS it you actually want from the forum?

You come across as incredibly financially driven. Mosts posts have some reference to money...sadly while it makes the world go round, it really isn't what cherishes the human spirit.

Practically a Ned Flanders from the Simpsons just much wealthier.

I admit freely to knowing nothing about the SB/SD world, but the one thing I do learn about it from your posts is it's all about the money.

So they get your money, what do you get...a cheap thrill and the knowledge that you are betraying, lying to, cheating and undermining the woman who actually deserves your time/love/financial security. You say you earn 98% of the money and she has no idea what assets you actually have - that's probably because she trusts you to not lie and spend it on other women. Wake up, you're a cheater. Plain and simple. A cheater, and a liar. You have betrayed your wife and family over and over and over again. That's really sad, so far from something to be proud of. Most of us here eventually spend months/years struggling to deal with the shame of what we've done...somehow I don't think you'll give it a second thought. I hope I'm wrong.

You talk about your religion and pop at others expressing their opinion as they couldn't understand if they're not religious.

For 25% of my life I lived a principle based life. Right is right!! I allowed very little leniancy didn't watch R rated movies, porn never, cursing never, always trying to live by the Golden rule because it is the right thing.
Unlike you it was driven because it is how we are "supposed to live" once that belief is removed. The selfish desires creep and in and the "does it matter" justification steps in.

Right is still right. You surely don't need to fall back on religion to understand this. You're an adult and as such I expect you know right from wrong. With or without a religious faith. What you're doing is wrong. Plain wrong and I suspect you know that. So YES, how we are supposed to live DOES matter.

Before being a church goer I cheated, partied, drugs, exuberance, lied, me, me, me all the time a true POS.

So nothing's changed? Oh maybe you earn more money and give allowances to girls rather than abuse drugs, but let's not split hairs here. Church/religion clearly didn't really affect you so why bring it up?

You are right about one thing though...you have identified selfishness as your main driver.

My biggest reason for wanting to quit is selfish. I would never confess, but would hate to be found out because it's so Jerry Springer ish. It would shock the foundation of what I am known for and what I "preach" to everyone around me.

God forbid you would look like you belong on an episode of "jerry", or others would know you're basically phoney. Why does that actually matter to you - surely being genuine and honest with both your self and to you family is what actually matters.
I wonder how a huge financial disaster would affect you. It's clear that YOUR needs ad YOUR wants are your priority and it's sad your wife is so second place on your reasons to quit your lifestyle.
The 2nd reason is my wife deserves more! She is still quite faithful and does plenty of volunteering homeless, Habitat for Humanity, Soup kitchens, etc etc.

I do agree with you. Your wife certainly does deserve more.
We know it and apparently you know it.
Ok so you've been given advise on how to stop...I'm more interested to raise the question: "why did you start?" Without fixing that you'll be back sliding down that slope.

Just like all affairs while by definition they are the same, in reality they are really all very different with there own set of variables, conditions, and causes.

There are individual differences, but at their core an affair is an affair.
'Glenfiddich or Canadian Mist, my cheating friend, no matter how much you pour into your leaky bucket it'll never fill up.’

I could not have said this better myself.


Me: FWW (35) Growing up at last.
LonelyHusband: BH (41)
Dday 1: 29/Oct/11; Dday 2:15/Nov/11; last TT 15/Mar/12
In R...working my arse off.
When you're struggling with commitment to your marriage, just imagine what it's like to be a penguin.

Posts: 558 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: UK
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)

So, tomorrow I'm going to try to not install those apps and see how that goes.
Suspended, how did that go today?

Did you take your first step towards living authentically today?


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37974 | Registered: Sep 2007
She-Ra
Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)

Yes Suspended.. Please let us know how your first day of authenticity went? Or did you spend too much time berating me on my thread? I hope you don''t abandon your thread. You need the help that SI can provide to you.


WW/BW 33 BH/WH 34
1 year old beautiful daughter

Posts: 852 | Registered: Jul 2012
AdamsApple
New Member
Member # 39262
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)

WS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:41 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 36 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, December 12th (Thursday)

^bump^

Have you broken off all contact with the OW's?


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198217 | Registered: May 2002
suspended
New Member
Member # 41576
Happy  Posted: 1:02 PM, December 12th (Thursday)

Have you broken off all contact with the OW's?

YES

I sent a long why it needs to end message (not the real reason)to the current SB with a Christmas gift. Hopefully she will read it feel as encouraged as she can, enjoy the gift, and be able to confidently move on to another SD type of guy or just move on with school. Winter break starts tomorrow her last final was today.

As the boyscout motto is

LEAVE IT BETTER THAN YOU FOUND IT
hopefully I was able to do that. I've never tried to end something so abruptly though.

I then deleted her number from my app, so I would not be tempted to see her response if I ever did reinstall the app again. The message was detailed enough that talking to her again would be awkward if nothing else that was the safegoat I purposely put in there to deter me from seeing her response or seeking her out.

So, two days down and many days to go !

Thanks for asking!


Posts: 26 | Registered: Dec 2013
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, December 12th (Thursday)

You're a man with zero boundaries...so your first step is to quit using the icon.

It's good you ended it, I hope you can straighten out what's broken inside you to continue down a healthy path of living.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198217 | Registered: May 2002
suspended
New Member
Member # 41576
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, December 12th (Thursday)

Alright, I concur. The fact that you pay young women to fuck you, after enjoying a 5-star meal and the ballet, does make you vastly superior to the rest of us.

I'm glad you agree!! I never said superior I said it's different than you portray it that's all. If you haven't lived the life you cannot adequately critique it because you are assuming too much. If you want a very long detailed explanation send me a PM. If you still agree it's just

The fact that you pay young women to fuck you, after enjoying a 5-star meal and the ballet
I'll take it all back ;)

Seriously, though, you're perfectly illustrating two common cheater characteristics. We justify our actions, and we project our feelings (e.g. anger, resentment, fear) onto others.

Okay, if arrogance is one I will agree. When you do it all on your own and reach the top you can get a little arrogant. I'm sorry ;( it's like trying to tell a NFL player

he just plays football on the weekends.
that's a little belittling.

I explained how I thought I got here over the course of years. Not that I deserved to be able to do this. I don't see how you get "justify" out of that?

It's like they say in AA, if you want to keep drinking, that's your business. If you want to quit, it's ours.

Agreed 100%

You're a man with zero boundaries...so your first step is to quit using the icon

I'm used to the remember I text 3000 plus times a month to kids, wife, and the previous aforementioned women. It's a habit lol.

[This message edited by suspended at 1:14 PM, December 12th (Thursday)]


Posts: 26 | Registered: Dec 2013
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, December 12th (Thursday)

You know...I want to take you seriously and help you, but you make it near to impossible to even like you.

We have really great people on this site and I personally feel like you're using us all as a big fat joke and if that's the case, just move on to somewhere else. But if you actually want to become a better man, husband, father and overall human being we will help you get there.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198217 | Registered: May 2002
suspended
New Member
Member # 41576
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, December 12th (Thursday)

You know...I want to take you seriously and help you, but you make it near to impossible to even like you.

We have really great people on this site and I personally feel like you're using us all as a big fat joke and if that's the case, just move on to somewhere else. But if you actually want to become a better man, husband, father and overall human being we will help you get there.

I can definitely sympathize with that standpoint!! I don't like when people can't respond without taking it personally. I don't think you have taken it personally at all, but some posters have 100% taken it personally!! The problem I have is as long as the WS follows the standard template of:

I'm so sorry, screwed up, broken spirit!
I was in the fog I have it so much better at home!
I need to confess everything now I can't cope!
Add the acronyms of choice I rugswept, trickle truth, help me move forward etc etc.

As long as that is followed everyone is very supportive. The minute someone disagrees with that and actually has reasons they believe that..... suddenly there is a problem.

I know my viewpoints are unique there is a reason for that. I fully understand that they can rub people the wrong way it's not the intent.

Maybe if we some responders could remove the emotion and stay on topic just looking at the facts the conversations would be more civil.


[This message edited by suspended at 1:39 PM, December 12th (Thursday)]


Posts: 26 | Registered: Dec 2013
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, December 12th (Thursday)

So....are you saying you aren''t broken and that you haven''t screwed up? Then why are you here?


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6288 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, December 12th (Thursday)

I know my viewpoints are unique there is a reason for that. I fully understand that they can rub people the wrong way it's not the intent.

This site has been around for over 11 year, I promise you you are not unique. It's not that your viewpoint rubs people the wrong way...it's your delivery that does. No one wants to be talked down to. You came here like you already had all the answers and when people call bullshit you just became more and more arrogant. That's what people don't like.

Nothing is a one size fits all...we're all different and offer our own experiences and opinions. But in many cases if we're all saying the same thing its because most likely it's the truth.

What do you want us to help you with because we will


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198217 | Registered: May 2002
suspended
New Member
Member # 41576
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, December 12th (Thursday)

What do you want us to help you with because we will

You already did reading enough on the site, the stories, the hurt, was enough to push me over the edge to stop.

From here onward it is day by day like anything in life you try to change.

I do appreciate this site for that!!

Nothing is a one size fits all...we're all different and offer our own experiences and opinions. But in many cases if we're all saying the same thing its because most likely it's the truth.

I do agree with this!! Unless it is math it's hard to prove it unequivocally!!

I still believe confession is the wrong choice in most situations. I understand that most here, if not most in general, disagree. That does not mean it is right....ideology would dictate that. Right with the confines of vows, principle,contract and western societal framework? YES!!..... but when looked at from a utilitarian viewpoint which action brings the most happiness/joy to tell or not to tell. Then the choice is easy!!

Not knowing is clearly better!!

Thanks, DS, for being even keel in your responses.

Aubrie

Broken, No, I'm not. Do I believe it is wrong? Yes, I do or I would continue to do it, but thanks for twisting the point yet again!

[This message edited by suspended at 2:22 PM, December 12th (Thursday)]


Posts: 26 | Registered: Dec 2013
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, December 12th (Thursday)

I didn't twist the point. You're just refusing to take off your Gucci rose colored lenses and see the bigger picture.

Brother, get off Unicorn Mountain. The air is thin there and it's messing with your head.

Good luck in life. You're seriously going to need it.



Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6288 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Deeply Scared
Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, December 12th (Thursday)

Not knowing is clearly better!!

For you it may be...but it wasn't for my husband or the majority of BS's here.

But that's not really the point of what you're needing, is it?

I think there is probably a really nice man underneath all that fluff and if he was able to come out you would probably like him a whole lot more than what's showing now on the outside.

So what's your next step?


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 198217 | Registered: May 2002
EvolvingSoul
Member
Member # 29972
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, December 12th (Thursday)

I guess what it comes down to is whether you place more importance on how people see you or on how you actually are. Right now it seems as if you are living entirely for the former, and as the two diverge you are having to put a lot of mental effort into keeping two conflicting realities coexisting in your brain. I'm basing that on statements like "I have a great relationship with my wife" and "My wife is experiencing an authentic marriage". A great relationship is not one in which one person intentionally manipulates the reality of the other person in order to get their emotional needs met. That is not loving. That is using. Your wife is NOT experiencing an authentic marriage with you because you are not being authentic in any way. See the logical inconsistency? Right now it seems like you're thinking is distorted and you're wrapped up pretty tight with a strong sense of entitlement.

Again, it comes down to what is more important to you. How people see you, or how you actually are. I think until you start telling the truth your relationships will continue to be based more on using than on love. That is a sad waste of an opportunity to experience the gift of this life on a much deeper and more fundamental level.

Just an opinion from a fellow EvolvingSoul.


Me: WS (52)
Him: Shards (47)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

Digging our way through.


Posts: 308 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Turning the corner.
heartbroken0903
Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, December 12th (Thursday)

Not everyone here claims that everything was so much better at home nor does everyone here toe a party line, so that is inaccurate. What we DO all have in common is the belief that cheating is just plain wrong, regardless of whether or not things are bad at home or you like young hot girls' bodies or whatever.

As DS said, it's the smug, self-righteous, superior attitude that has people annoyed.

Forgive me if this has been asked, but: would you be cool with it if your wife were spending family money to pay to fuck college dudes, and kept it a secret from you?

[This message edited by heartbroken0903 at 5:11 PM, December 12th (Thursday)]


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Remarried. Reconciliation is a process and I still struggle.


Posts: 2222 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
pointofnoreturn
Member
Member # 41034
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, December 12th (Thursday)

I sent a long why it needs to end message (not the real reason)to the current SB with a Christmas gift. Hopefully she will read it feel as encouraged as she can, enjoy the gift, and be able to confidently move on to another SD type of guy or just move on with school. Winter break starts tomorrow her last final was today.

This really isn't how to send a NC letter. At all. By the notion of giving her a Christmas present, you just opened yourself up to her contacting you in the future. A NC letter isn't "goodbye my love" type of deal, it's a recommitment to your relationship.

You may be still extremely foggy, but if you are truly remorseful, the thought of giving your AP a good-bye gift is saying the exact opposite. In fact...I'm a little grossed out thinking about what "gift" this is.


Me- WGF 22
Him- BBF 21
Ddays:
August 2011
September 26th, 2013

"A lesson is learned. Life is. Simply. There is no Death. There is no Before. There is no After. All is in Flux. Simply."


Posts: 187 | Registered: Oct 2013
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, December 12th (Thursday)

Suspended,
If you don't mind me asking, why did you decide to go the sugar daddy route?
Earlier in thjs thread you mentioned you have a selection process and check your lovers out on fb and other places before getting involved. ..I'm curious about that.

You claim you aren't broken but clearly have a process you go through before beginning your A's. In my opinion that makes you just as broken as the WS who weren't looking for an A but still became involved in one.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 868 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
sunnyrain
Member
Member # 30164
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, December 12th (Thursday)

Congrats on 2 days NC. It makes no difference to me how you ended and/or whether or not an "appropriate" NC letter was sent. The important thing, imo, is making the ending stick.

Best of luck.


"I'm not much into health food, I am into champagne."

Posts: 431 | Registered: Nov 2010
suspended
New Member
Member # 41576
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, December 13th (Friday)

You claim you aren't broken but clearly have a process you go through before beginning your A's. In my opinion that makes you just as broken as the WS who weren't looking for an A but still became involved in one.

I don't deny I am broken I don't see where I said that, but I'll go look. I have everything one could want in a family life, so any non broken person would think I was crazy for doing what I did.

If you don't mind me asking, why did you decide to go the sugar daddy route?
Earlier in thjs thread you mentioned you have a selection process and check your lovers out on fb and other places before getting involved. ..I'm curious about that.

To be worth the risk it had to be something that felt unattainable in real life and preferably no longterm commitment. So, very beautiful women in general!! I was looking for the proverbial cherry on top of a chocolate sundae! Something that made both of our lives better adding to life's fulfillment. Less than a relationship, but more than a 2hr hotel meet. The type of arrangments I had were somewhere in the middle of that. We communicated as much as two people do in a relationship without the relationship drama.

This really isn't how to send a NC letter. At all. By the notion of giving her a Christmas present, you just opened yourself up to her contacting you in the future. A NC letter isn't "goodbye my love" type of deal, it's a recommitment to your relationship.

You may be still extremely foggy, but if you are truly remorseful, the thought of giving your AP a good-bye gift is saying the exact opposite. In fact...I'm a little grossed out thinking about what "gift" this is.

Fog usual pertains to deep emotion, pedastal placing, or something like that doesn't it?

This was ending due to necessity, because this lifestyle had run it's course, guilt was increasing, sort of like letting someone go at work. It's not that you want to, but you need to, it's the right choice for the company, so you give a severance package. The right thing was to end this lifestyle and move on focusing on other things family, hobbies, forgiveness, and people.

It was just a bag/$$ and some advice as she goes into her last year of grad school.


Congrats on 2 days NC. It makes no difference to me how you ended and/or whether or not an "appropriate" NC letter was sent. The important thing, imo, is making the ending stick.

3 days, so thanks and happy Friday it's the weekend always fun!!

[This message edited by suspended at 2:45 PM, December 13th (Friday)]


Posts: 26 | Registered: Dec 2013
finallyfree2011
Member
Member # 37998
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, December 13th (Friday)


[This message edited by finallyfree2011 at 5:26 PM, December 16th (Monday)]


Me - WS
H - BH

D day - July 2011 after a 4 year relationship with OM

Reconciled and renewed our vows on our 22 Anniversary in June 2012


Posts: 64 | Registered: Jan 2013
Alyssamd24
Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, December 13th (Friday)

Broken, No, I'm not.

Page 3, in response to Aubrie

[This message edited by Alyssamd24 at 3:41 PM, December 13th (Friday)]


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 868 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
leftoolate
Member
Member # 22658
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, December 13th (Friday)

Fog usual pertains to deep emotion, pedastal placing, or something like that doesn't it?
'Fog' isn't precisely defined, as far as I know. I personally think it pertains to perspective an clarity. And yes, that can include deep emotions for others and putting another on a pedestal. But as far as I'm concerned, it pertains especially to my distorted view of myself, and the people close to me.

You need to work this out your own way. Please keep in mind that what you do affects others. Other people, important to you. Furthermore, it affects yourself, as well. Your actions help shape the world in a way that has very little to do with material luxuries.

You made most of your own fog. You should be the one to clear your view, in fact you're the only one that can do that for you. But you can get help and support.

Good luck.

~L.


If you came this far, you're looking for something. - Jrazz

Posts: 817 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Europe
suspended
New Member
Member # 41576
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, December 13th (Friday)

AlyssaMD24 is correct
Broken, No, I'm not.


Aubrie's quote

My last piece of advice? Drop the bullshit. Your soul is broken. That's the bottom line.

I stand corrected sorry about that.


Posts: 26 | Registered: Dec 2013
suspended
New Member
Member # 41576
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, December 14th (Saturday)

Good luck to all!! Since I'm banned from posting in anythread, but this one!!

There isn't much to say except it's been 4 days no contact.


Posts: 26 | Registered: Dec 2013
JustDesserts
Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, December 14th (Saturday)

Suspended:

Thank you for reminding me what epic levels of self-delusion look like. I'm in recovery from SDGD (Self-Delusioning Grandiosity Disease), and it's good to get a vivid reminder here and there of what I used to look like...a self-portrait painted with my own words.

Your self-portrait, Broseph, is u...g...l...y. How do I know? I have a garage wall full of them.

Gotta hand it to you...bragging about paying for the company of beautiful, young women takes chutzpa. And you've got that in spades, with spares.

You need a whole boatload of help, IMHO. I won't hold my breath. The prognosis and recovery rate for us epically grandiose douche bags is lower than low.

And one thing you're forgetting. You've already been caught, Sir Smartypants. By your own conscience. And living with that corrodes and makes you ugly. You'll need to break out more $$$ in the future as your become an uglier and uglier Sugar Daddy.

The alternative? Take the cotton out of your ears, stick it in your mouth, and become humble. We're all here to help. And I'm here to help. Heck, I'll send my GV to your doorstep if you actually decide you want to change.

Good heavens...what a thread! Where's that Orson Wells clapping meme...

JD

[This message edited by JustDesserts at 12:15 PM, December 14th (Saturday)]


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
suspended
New Member
Member # 41576
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, December 14th (Saturday)

@JustDesserts, I appreciate the feedback in describing the picture you see.

I'll just eat my unsalted crow and say Thanks and have a good day.


Posts: 26 | Registered: Dec 2013
authenticnow
Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, December 14th (Saturday)

Locking this up. Suspended won't be back.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37974 | Registered: Sep 2007
Topic Posts: 72