Just Found Out
User Topic: I'm I wrong
Member # 40878
Default  Posted: 5:34 AM, December 9th (Monday)

So we are about 4 months since D-day with another 2-3 months of tt. Anyway we have been seeing a mc about every 2-3 week's so at our lasr visit he suggested I take my wife on a date night and kind of start over. The first problem I had with this idea was I just finished telling the mc that I'm not a 100% sure yet I want to stay in the marriage second if I do this I almost feel like i'm rewarding her and third I just get annoyed thinking that after 9 years of marriage I have to take her on a date and basically start over.. Obviously it's not taking her out that I get annoyed about its the starting over after 9 years. When in my eyes there was nothing wrong with our marriage witch my wife agrees that our marriage was fine she was the one that wasn't fine... So my question is am I wrong feeling this way? I mean I'm not even 100% sure she didn't only stay with me cause the om ran away when he heard I found out. She says no she never saw a future with him I say bs to that when you had a year and half affair with him and the whole time I told her I knew she was doing something and to stop but no she refused to stop so how can she say she didn't see a future with him. What I don't think she saw was me actually tracking her cell phone and really catching her ass....

Posts: 59 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: whyme1525
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 5:58 AM, December 9th (Monday)

She says no she never saw a future with him I say bs to that when you had a year and half affair with him and the whole time I told her I knew she was doing something and to stop but no she refused to stop so how can she say she didn't see a future with him. What I don't think she saw was me actually tracking her cell phone and really catching her ass....

Brother I can so relate to this. When my XWW was deeply in the fog there was nothing she would not do for the OM. He had her so convinced that he and she would be together "One day" she would and did jump through hoops for the asshole. When he threw her under the bus all of a sudden it was just a fling, an escape, not what you would call love etc. etc. etc. Personally I think it was just her way of trying to save face. They still have that raging need for control and they cant even admit they were used and tossed aside. Just like they could fantasize and believe the bullshit of their A. They can talk themselves into believing that they were still in control and minimize their feelings for the OP. Its some really stupid and sick thinking if you ask me.

As you have not decided on what you want to do in regard to the M. I would suggest that MC is a waste of time. I feel you should explore IC for yourself and use that outlet to determine if you want to stay or not. Time and money better spent IMHO. If you decide to R them MC is a good idea as MC I intended to help couples heal from the trauma of infidelity. If your not 100% invested in the M or trying to R, your just spinning your wheels seeing a MC. For me trying to figure out their mental state or the pathology of their A was just too much. And in the end its really not your job to do so. Its up to the WS to figure out how and why they did what they did. That includes how deeply the A went. As a BS your never going to understand it. A BS see's the black and white of it all, while the WS lives in the gray areas between reality and fantasy. My IC suggested to me that I stop trying to figure it out as I'll never have a satisfactory answer. That I should concentrate my efforts on what I'm feeling and work on that. I think that was good advice.

You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5730 | Registered: Nov 2007
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 6:51 AM, December 9th (Monday)

Do you enjoy her company under normal circumstances? Maybe he just wants you to give the tension a break and just enjoy each other's company…although I know it's hard because you have this elephant in the room….

If you arent going to enjoy yourself, don't do it. Plain and simple.

Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
OK now
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, December 9th (Monday)

Would't mind betting your WW has had a word with the MC that she finds that the romance has died out in the marriage; hence the suggestion of a romantic date night.

Your wife's perception of what is wrong with your relationship differs from yours, Bored with the everyday routine and so-so sex life and along comes Mr. Excitement to offer passion , danger and a thrilling fantasy. Now he has gone she is alarmed at the prospect at losing her comfortable lifestyle and wifely status. Not very flattering but at least she in still invested in the marriage; as long as another OM doesn't make an appearance of course; which is something you need to guard against.

Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
Member # 41401
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, December 9th (Monday)

I think that having bouts of resentment for being placed in this horrible situation is completely normal. I think the recommendation for a date night, however, is something that is theraputic in general...even for couples who are in healthy and stable relationships. The difference is that, for us, it will potentially feel like work for awhile...and so the annoyance factor is still understandable...particularly if it''s not something you feel is worth the effort at this point?

Me 47
WS 41
M=16 years

Posts: 130 | Registered: Nov 2013
Member # 41286
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, December 9th (Monday)

WW actually told me she only professed love for OM because she was in competition with his wife. Jesus, I don't know which is worse.

If you can get through a date emotionally, it would be good to go. Your MC is speeding up your decision for you. If the date goes smoothly and you find yourself reconnecting, you have a direction. If you find that the only thing you have in common after nine years is the nine years, you may have a different direction.

Yes, she is broken and needs to be fixed, but in the interim, are you willing to help her with that process or has too much damage been done that you would rather write her off?

Me: 42
WW: 36
Latest D-day: Sept 2013
Reconciling? Limbo?

Posts: 96 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: NE Ohio
solus sto
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, December 9th (Monday)

If I had been told to go on a "romantic date night" 4 months post d-day and a scant month post trickle truth, I would have felt COMPLETELY unheard and marginalized. I would have felt as though MY needs we're inconsequential, and as if the push to "get over it" was on.

In the immediate aftermath of d-day complicated by months of lying (trickle TRUTH is an unfortunate and hurtful misnomer, IMO), there. *is* no escaping the horror for a nice night out. Not for the traumatized B S. Advice to create it is a burden on someone who is grievously injured for the benefit of the perpetrator.

No. You are not wrong. Respect your feelings. No one else is.

ETA: I agree that MC is premature. Until you are comfortable that you have a remorseful spouse with whom you wish to R, there really is nothing to be gained. Worse, it can be harmful to the BS

[This message edited by solus sto at 10:08 AM, December 9th (Monday)]

BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8848 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Member # 40878
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, December 9th (Monday)

Stronger08- My wife was the same way with the om anything he said she did to the point of leaving my bedside after I had a major surgery to be with him in my house. And I even called her that night while he was sitting here and she just rushed me off the phone. It's just so ridiculous how after work she is so tired always falls asleep on the coach watching t.v. yet when the om was around and called or text her she was wide awake. She was able to stay up the entire night with no sleep when she was with om in my house. But now he's gone and where is she now back to sleeping on the couch it's just unbelievable the things they do.

Posts: 59 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: whyme1525
Member # 34236
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, January 10th (Friday)

I agree that MC is not right for the present time. In order to have MC work, there has to be 2 in it for a common goal, whether that is for reconciliation or how to manage kids in a D. In your situation, I suggest concentrating on IC first. If you get to the point of determining that R is what you want to devote your attention and energy toward, by all means jump into MC with both feet.

Endeavor to persevere.

Posts: 410 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: NE US
Member # 41912
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, January 10th (Friday)


Although my DD is still so recent ( only 3 weeks) I have already decided that I will not do MC until I have fully decided to R.

I most likely will just file for D. I am searching my soul to see if there is anything in me that can work on the M. The only thing which has stopped me is my two DS. IT will be soo difficult to not see them everyday and to see them go through this difficult time.

My ww and her selfish ways have put our family in this position. But I feel guilty and anger that se has left the decision to R with me.

Anyhow what im trying to say is WORK ON YOU. If you have children support them and love them, regardless if you R or D they will need you now more then ever.

The saddest thing about betrayal is it never comes from your enemies

If your searching for that one person that will change your life, look in the mirror.

Posts: 142 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Ontario
Member # 41652
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, January 10th (Friday)

This seems so sexist.

You wouldn't find an MC telling a BW to "take her WH for a night out to start over."

Why doesn't your WW take YOU out for the night and make YOU feel special?

I'd get a new MC.

Posts: 155 | Registered: Dec 2013
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, January 10th (Friday)

I would get a new MC ASAP. Your WW should be the one wooing you, not the other way around. I cannot see how making her feel "special" after she has deceived you so badly will do anything but let her know she can do whatever she wants with no consequences. The MC is waste of time until YOU decide if you want to stay in the marraige.

In the meantime, I would recommend you be real careful that this does relationship of hers does not reignite itself because of something you have no control of, namely his relationship with his wife. If that bums out, he may try to reconnect.

I made the bad mistake of not being tough enough and it was a poor decision. It happened again a year later while I was travelling on business.

Hold firm and get rid of that MC.

Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
Member # 40895
Default  Posted: 10:49 PM, January 10th (Friday)

1) Fire your MC, and go to individual counseling.
2) File for divorce. If this doesn't wake her up - then there is no marriage to save.

By the way, do you know the identity of the other man?

Posts: 198 | Registered: Oct 2013
Topic Posts: 13