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User Topic: Feeling a little shell shocked.....
Shocked2believe
Member
Member # 41010
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, December 9th (Monday)

..... after WH went to work Christmas party and stayed over, I confronted him the following evening whilst he was still very hung over and morbid. I had stayed the night with my DS's at a really good friends house. He knew we were staying out but left for work before we went to visit. The following morning he didn't bother to contavt me to say he was okay or even find out I'd we were okay. I went home eventually to confront him. So without going into to much detail, for the first time I've really given him a piece of my mind. I compared him to his father, I asked why it was so important for him to seek external validation/verification -did he think so little about himself, told him that 'being bored' in our marriage was not justification enough to do what he did and if he was so dissatisfied why didn't he bother to get off the couch and do something to make it better rather than leave it to me and he also had to choose..... His friendship with her or me etc.

I think I hit a nerve when I told him that neither of his two DS's asked about him or even referred to him once for the two days he was gone (his boys are his world).

Now I'm feeling really very 'blue'. He's withdraw completely from me into almost a trace like state and I understand that he could be sad because he has now been given an ultimatum but why do I feel so awful? I certainly don't regret the things I said but I'm feeling so 'empty'. I don't understand? Surely I should feel some sort of release? Anyone got an idea why I'm feeling like this?


Me: BS Married 10 years, together 20
Him:WH - EA with engaged COW.

'If you come into my life, the door is open; If you leave my life, the door is open; Just one request, don't stand in the doorway, you're blocking the traffic'


Posts: 123 | Registered: Oct 2013
steadfast1973
Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, December 9th (Monday)

When was your dday?


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
Jesu
Member
Member # 36422
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, December 9th (Monday)

What did he do???


Me: BSO 39
Her: WSO 29
Together: 9 years
Married?: No
Children?: No
OM: A friend of a friend
DD#1: June 18th 2012
Many more DD after TT
PA#1: 1 week in Nov/Dec 2010, which led to a long distance EA
R: ?

Posts: 608 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Oz
Shocked2believe
Member
Member # 41010
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, December 9th (Monday)

@Steadfast1973 - Dday was April 2013. Got the usual blameshifting, rug sweeping, gaslightning etc. I went into trance like state for over 5/6 months then found SI in October 2013. It has only been a EA and I very much believe it hasn't turned PA, yet. But they remain friends. She supposedly left early after the Christmas dinner but they met to have breakfast the following morning. ....


Me: BS Married 10 years, together 20
Him:WH - EA with engaged COW.

'If you come into my life, the door is open; If you leave my life, the door is open; Just one request, don't stand in the doorway, you're blocking the traffic'


Posts: 123 | Registered: Oct 2013
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, December 9th (Monday)

She supposedly left early after the Christmas dinner but they met to have breakfast the following morning. ....

How do you know this?

You might just be sad because you have given him a choice and it doesn't appear he is jumping to choose your marriage...


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3850 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Shocked2believe
Member
Member # 41010
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, December 9th (Monday)

@Jesu - it has been a long time coming but it was multiple 'small' things (also within some of my older posts) that it came to a head. But mostly the fact that he thinks it's still okay to have lunches, breakfasts etc with her and couldn't have even been bothered with his families welfare (which he's always been bothered with) as for two days he was gone and hadno clue as to where we were - even when he arrived home and we weren't home for hours afterwards.


Me: BS Married 10 years, together 20
Him:WH - EA with engaged COW.

'If you come into my life, the door is open; If you leave my life, the door is open; Just one request, don't stand in the doorway, you're blocking the traffic'


Posts: 123 | Registered: Oct 2013
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, December 9th (Monday)

I just read your other post, I am sorry I am not familiar with your story.

I really do not understand why he went to this Christmas party, why he went alone, why he stayed overnight....and WHY you didn't have his shit in hefty bags when he got home.

My gut says this is a PA, I don't believe it's at the EA level.

At the very least it's disturbing the way he walks on you and your family. A committed, married man does not act like this.

He is throwing away his family for some friend and book discussions?

I Call Bullshit.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 8:53 AM, December 9th (Monday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3850 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
steadfast1973
Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, December 9th (Monday)

Still friends? Sorry that's as a deal breaker.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
sailorgirl
Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, December 9th (Monday)

Shellshocked,

As gently as possible, it seems like you've been tolerating an open marriage since April.

You may be feeling awful and empty because your husband is having a full blown affair. If you continue to face that fact, you will start to feel stronger.

His withdrawal when you put your foot down is hurtful. But he really withdrew from you in April when he started pouring his energy into another woman. Get mad and withdraw from him! Read about the 180. As you implement it, your self-respect will start to recover.

I hope your ultimatum was "No Contact" with OW, or he moves out. I would see a lawyer ASAP.

I am so sorry that your husband won't stop cheating. You can't control him, but you can control what you do.


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
headdesk
Member
Member # 40787
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, December 9th (Monday)

I agree on this being something that would have me questioning if it was more. You hang in there girl!


Me: 39
WH: 42
DDay:Sep 19 2013 (only TT of EA)
Oct 4th 2013 revealed PA through snooping.
Marred 16 years, together for 20. Looking to R at this time. We have awesome kids (12/14).

Posts: 273 | Registered: Sep 2013
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, December 9th (Monday)

Anyone got an idea why I'm feeling like this?

I'm going to be blunt.
You feel like shit because your husband is cheating on you right in front of your face. He KNOWS that you (basically) know about it....and he keeps fucking doing it anyway.

He is killing you from the inside out.

Stop assuming that you know how he's feeling. You *think* you hit a nerve and now he *could* be sad.

My bet? Neither one of those things is happening. He's thinking "I'm fucked"....because he has blown up his world. He is cheating on you right now, so unfortunately, you CANNOT believe that he is thinking in ANY manner other than a completely and totally selfish one.

So you gave him an ultimatum.....and he's still there.....and you have no answer. That is why you don't feel any *release*, IMO. Nothing was accomplished.

You have been picking at this guy for long enough to *do the right thing*....and he just carries on with his breakfast, lunch, dinners, Xmas parties, whatever..... He didn't even know where the hell you and his supposedly-beloved kids were for 2 fricking days and he couldn't be bothered to contact you? Seriously???

It is time to go all Fuck.This.Guy on him.
Find your anger, Shocked. He is treating you like crap.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8116 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 11