SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: When to "graduate" from SI
morethantrying
Member
Member # 40547
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, December 9th (Monday)

So I TRY to stay off this site sometimes as reading other stories make me sometimes spin my story negative and see things in my life and marriage that are not there or that I did not think about before....so sometimes I MAKE problems between WS and I that are not there I think...am I just keeping it all alive?

I even blocked this site to wean myself...yet here I still am...off or on...when to graduate and start living more?


Affairs - hard on us both - but love will win.
Me: BS 55
Him: WS 62
Married 32 yrs.
dday TT from 12/2012-2/2013)...

Posts: 284 | Registered: Sep 2013
struggling3
Member
Member # 34671
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, December 9th (Monday)

I don't know the answer to your question and I am sure it is different for everyone. You joined 3 months ago...is that your Dday? I am at over 2 years and still find myself drawn here. Pick and choose what you read. Somethings will not feel relevant to your situation but other times it really feels good to have others chime in with wisdom about exactly what you are going through. As you start to heal and feel better it can also feel good to think that you are encouraging and helping others. How is your R going? Is your WS doing what you need?


Me - BS 55
H - WS 57/very remorseful and supportive
Kids 28, 25, 22
D-Day 8-5-11
discovered 4 month long EA
R - slow and steady but very optimistic

Posts: 314 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, December 9th (Monday)

As you start to heal and feel better it can also feel good to think that you are encouraging and helping others.

That's why I stayed.


I bow to those who keep their hearts open when it is most difficult, those who refuse to keep their armor on any longer than they have to, those who recognize the courage at the heart of vulnerability. - Jeff Brown

Posts: 17311 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
unfound
Member
Member # 12802
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, December 9th (Monday)

There's been times when I've had to step back for a while, either for personal reasons or just life happening reasons.

It can be triggery and easy to transfer things you read here into the M. Separating and being able to take what YOU need comes with emotions settling a bit. It's okay.


The amazing thing is, that no matter if you're here every day, or show up every few months, someone will be here with open arms for you.

As far as graduating? I was on a four year ride, but keep failing punctuation and capitalization .


ka-mai
*******************
From time to time, I do consider that I might be mad. Like any self-respecting lunatic, however, I am always quick to dismiss any doubts about my sanity. DK

Posts: 14844 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
morethantrying
Member
Member # 40547
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, December 9th (Monday)

Yes, all going "well"...quite well....dday (trickle to full from 12/2012-2/2013)....little triggers get me...full "cry" a few days ago... WS was great...is great...I love him...what can I say.....


Affairs - hard on us both - but love will win.
Me: BS 55
Him: WS 62
Married 32 yrs.
dday TT from 12/2012-2/2013)...

Posts: 284 | Registered: Sep 2013
Lyonesse
Member
Member # 32943
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, December 9th (Monday)

I did take breaks at various times when I needed to, and then would come back and find myself in a different place and getting different things from it. I think I would have been in a dark place at 6 months to 1.5 years no matter what.

This year I made some changes IRL and was off SI most of the summer, but I like having a place where everyone can bring any problem, not just infidelity related. It's like the old Cheers bar, "where everybody knows your name." I have learned so much about healthy relationships not just in M, which I thought was pretty good pre-A, but also about boundaries with friends and family, how to develop resiliance, what is the range of "normal" for other people. But I've also found out about various health issues, how to boil an egg (I kid you not, there was a thread on that), good books I should read, various pop culture memes I missed out on.

I think it's good you are re-evaluating and re-thinking everything right now. In my case, I felt less need for info and support at 1.5 years, and wanted a break from thinking infidelity 24/7. But I keep coming back for other stuff.


Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1794 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
morethantrying
Member
Member # 40547
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, December 9th (Monday)

these posts here make me feel better....I feel more relaxed about "being here" now....ok, will do a little GAL now....


Affairs - hard on us both - but love will win.
Me: BS 55
Him: WS 62
Married 32 yrs.
dday TT from 12/2012-2/2013)...

Posts: 284 | Registered: Sep 2013
Girlietoo
Member
Member # 38719
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, December 9th (Monday)

I find this too- sometimes I am doing ok and I read here and get triggered. For a while I didn't/couldn't read the JFO forum because it made me trigger so badly. Now I can read and not feel as if it is happening to me all over again, however, I am not very often in the head space to reply.

I do find it very helpful to read the reconciliation forum , it gives me hope:)


Me- 40
Him- 47
March 9, 2013- the day my heart died

Posts: 247 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
redrock
Member
Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, December 9th (Monday)

I must be a 'super' senior because I am still around almost daily. To me it is a touchstone. Having a place where people relate and appreciate your situation is affirming for me. I also like to 'pay-it -forward when I can.

No matter what your stage in the process, there are others around the site to relate, advise and cheer you on.

There is not much in your profile....
So I am not sure where you are at in R-

But I can give you a few areas to address-
Transparency- Trust but verify

Honesty- about anything and everything. Big stuff and small stuff

Empathy- towards the poop sandwich handed over to you to consume bite by bite day by day

Remorse- For their actions and the consequences he brought to the both of you.

Settle in. Its a bumpy ride. And its longer than you want to face right now. SI is, IMO, the best and sharpest tool in your tool belt for R. I would put the knowledge base of the posters here up against any great MC or IC including my own. There are many here who not only relate and understand, but also will give you a nudge when you need it.

Keep posting.



I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3156 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
Topic Posts: 9