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Reconciliation
User Topic: Wow- I am feeling it tonight
Aspenstrong
Member
Member # 41394
Default  Posted: 11:29 PM, December 9th (Monday)

We had a great talk last night- parts were all about this crap but I felt heard and validated.
I had a night class and presentations and got done right before he and the kids came home. I said I noticed he'd called but I'd still been in the conference. I asked him what he needed and he said nothing.
I had the kids go to bed and they said dad wanted to be left alone and he was tired and going to sleep.
None of this is unreasonable.
But my stomache is clenching and I feel like he must not care and my chest hurts so I'm having to pull out all my heavy tools to regain my equilibrium tonight.
I can hear him walking around right now and someone might wonder why I don't just go talk to him. One I want to feel more settled and not do hypersensitive and two I don't want to won't I guess start chasing him- I have to hold onto some self respect here.
Tools are working- anxiety is lessening but this hurts. Right before he left that weekend he told me he loved me.
18 yrs of marriage-
WS porn addiction- dd2005- craziness- including onesided EA's picking up prostitutes and changing his mind
Seperated briefly - better but not good
Recent dday a little over a month ago ONS - disclosed actively seeking affair earlier this year- didn't pan out


WS- Came to me and confessed ONS end of Oct 2013
Dec 2013-found out about 1 happy ending massage and various fishing on hookup sites that didn't pan out/
His heart changes and voluntary confession changed things for me... Waiting to see

Posts: 57 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Southwest
Kalliopeia
Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 12:19 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

I don't feel it's strange that you aren't going to talk to him. You said you feel anxious, which means you feel threatened by the idea of trying to discuss. You already said you didn't feel cared for. Does anyone want to run up to a person they don't think cares and try to get comfort and love from them?

No.

My wayward withdraws too and says he wants left alone. Amazingly he also says the reason is he is tired of everyone blaming him, so he wants left alone and not to see anyone.


In your case, possible your husband needs recovery time after painful discussion. In my case, we never get around to discussing because he pulls the poor me card and nothing ever gets accomplished.

I feel the same threat you may be feeling. I want the comforting and validation but how dare I imply I may need it because he just may not care enough to give it.

In your case, you have a chance. Atm in my case, not a snowballs chance. it hurts pretty badly.

I would say just give him some space between discussions. And I don't know if I am wrong, but I feel anxious at the thought of talking, so I am erring on the side of maybe being too cautious.


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
Dare2Trust
Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 12:58 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

Aspenstrong,

I posted on your topic, "WS discloses his own heart-changes"....So, I will briefly repeat my questions and concerns here:

---Has your husband been professionally diagnosed as a Porn and/or Sex Addict by a Therapist?
---Is your husband seeing a Counselor/Therapist?

Is your husband being totally transparent? By this I mean - Do you have access to his computer/laptop ect...to verify that he's no longer on these various websites seeking prostitutes, hookups and watching Porn?

I understand that you need help around the house with chores, while you complete your Graduate School tests and deadlines - BUT it's critical that your WH seek and receive the proper, professional THERAPY...if there's to be any chance for reconciliation of the marriage.



Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6113 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
Aspenstrong
Member
Member # 41394
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)

So I did text him this afternoon and he was surprised I felt like he was ignoring me- he was just worn out and went to bed early.
Yes he's been diagnosed with addiction he's seen many therapists throughout our marriage and moves. We currently live in a rural area and imo we haven't found one who's really good with sx addiction. I found a phone counselor for me. What is working best right now is h found phone SA 12 step and he has a couple of sponsors. After our seperation and our move here we both struggled to find any resources. I check online but there really isn't much available.
Kalliopiea- I think you're right we have a chance- but I didn't feel like that earlier this year. Before he was very blaming and resentful but now he says he needs to hear my hurt pain and anger and never let it get to the point where he would put me through this again.
For the most part he's headed the right way and doing the right things- time will tell which side of him wins out.
But while my therapist is good with empowering and helping me find healthier coping strategies I'm not sure he understands my need to talk and talk and talk all these emotions. Maybe that's why he recommends I have a group for me. Only healthy groups have been online- I paid for one earlier this year but I had technical difficulties and it's costly so I have a not-in-real-time yahoo group and now I've found this forum.


WS- Came to me and confessed ONS end of Oct 2013
Dec 2013-found out about 1 happy ending massage and various fishing on hookup sites that didn't pan out/
His heart changes and voluntary confession changed things for me... Waiting to see

Posts: 57 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Southwest
Topic Posts: 4