User Topic: Sanity ...
Member # 38900
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

Desperately need sound advice. You guys are my counselors, my guidance. I have absolutely no one else other than my sister to talk to about my H evil actions, my thoughts, my feelings. At times I think I may just go insane. I keep dwelling on what he did, how he handled it, the continuous lies, I question his feelings, his true self. Why would a h who tells me that I am the only women he ever wanted, the women he loves ... tells me he has told me the truth, not take the polygraph, not go for counseling??? Not even interested going for counseling. He keeps repeating that "he will fix this mess", that we don't need a third party. Yet, he 's not fixing anything. By not going for professional help, the situation is getting worse.

HIM - 56(looks older by the day)
his time has come
ME - 56 (heart aged lately)
DD1 April 5 2013 (told me a lie)
DD2 April 23 2013
DD3 June 22 2013
3 children
1 grand child

Posts: 196 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Near the ocean ... Canada
Member # 40298
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

I don't have a good answer for you, but know that these feelings are normal. He doesn't sound remorseful to me. He should be doing everything in his power to make you feel secure in his love for you. He should be willing to do whatever it takes to make you feel he is trying to fix this mess he has created, especially if it means going to C.

You can't make him do anything, but I would suggest you go for IC for yourself at the very least. It will help you get through this, and will hopefully make you understand that NONE of this A crap is your fault. It is all on him.


Marriage isn't a test, so why cheat?

Posts: 379 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

IMHO- if you asked him to stand on his head and spit nickels, his only response should be "how many?"

It doesn't matter what he thinks. His judgement and decision making skills don't have a great track record at this point.

I'm sorry I'm a little negative- I'm a little bitter Betty today.

He should go because you have asked him to.
Bottom line.

I'm so sorry.

Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
Member # 41286
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

I can only tell you that you aren't alone. WW keeps postponing C assuming that I will forget and it will all just go away. Stand your ground!
"You couldn't fix it before. What makes you think you can fix it now with the added problems you have heaped on us."

Hugs to you. If you want this marriage, keep fighting for him to pull his head out of his ass!

Me: 42
WW: 36
Latest D-day: Sept 2013
Reconciling? Limbo?

Posts: 96 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: NE Ohio
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)


You know darn good and well that he has the ability to manipulate you and your thoughts into thinking you are the bad guy, and he can fix it all. But you also know that he just empty words.

ACTIONS are where it counts in R. So he says he can fix this without a 3rd party. What has he done to show you that he is trying to do just that? Has he read any books, has he beared his soul to you to explain why he felt the need to have the attentions of another woman, or women? NO he has hasn't.

Please try to limit your communication with him for your own sanity until you really start to see major changes from him.

((((and strength))))

Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8738 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

I know you love this man, I also know that you cannot live like this. He is the master manipulator and would rather lose you than come clean with what he is most likely guilty or maybe embarrassed about? I don't know. It doesn't matter though. It is hurting you and not allowing that gaping wound in your heart to heal. F-ing idiot.

I hope you didn't go home. Even if you did, I hope you will do this.

Ask around, Ask Dr's, friends, for references on really great counselors for you. Someone dynamic, who will help you dig into you, to help you become a strong person who can stand up and say, bullshit, this is the way it's going to be, period. You are far too young to accept the crumbs being offered to you. You are tired, worn out, and he keeps you that way so he has no accountability.

I still think you need to book a cruise or trip, just do it, with a group to someplace exotic you've always wanted to visit, and get a new outlook on life. The kids are grown. What's holding you back? Sending my kids overseas on college trips helped them be independent, grown up's, why can't we do that too?
I think, he should pay for that trip for you, don't you? Go to Tuscany for a month, or Spain, or wherever you've always wanted to go, and have a blast! AAA has wonderful trips, all arranged, so you have nothing to do but get on the plane. Give yourself a Holiday for the Holiday! Let him fend for himself and think about his life. Personally, I wouldn't even tell him I was going, just leave.

Your H is a selfish prick. Sorry, but he is. Book a trip for heavens sake! Take your sister! Take your kids! Go alone, meet new people, Just don't take Ass Hat! And go for a month!!

Find you, she's been lost, but she's just on the surface, I can feel herů..

In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!

Posts: 887 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

Because he's still lying, there's tons more you don't know about, and he knows that you won't stand up for yourself because you never do. You've backed down from your demands so many times since DDay that it's just a waiting game for him. You give a demand, he refuses, you stop talking to him for a few days but you still make him breakfast and do his laundry.... life is pretty awesome for him when he's not cooperating with you. In his mind, he doesn't have to listen to your questions about his cheating, AND he gets a cooked breakfast and clean shorts, hot diggity dog this is great!

So he just waits, he knows you'll cave because you always do. You have two choices really..... stop asking him anything because you'll never get the truth or what you need from him. Or stand your ground and demand what you need and be willing to finally follow through if he doesn't give it to you. Maybe you'll get what you need at that point, maybe you won't, but either way, you'll have your answer. Any man who won't give you what you need to heal isn't worth another nano second of your time.

DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)

Lives, How are you today? My advice still stands. I want to jump through the computer and take you away on that trip! Or to the spa for the weekend at a minimum!!

I can't stand that you are in limbo with one foot in and one foot out. I do hope you will find a great IC for you. I think that could change your life. You have no idea how young you really are. There is a lot of life out there, you need to find it!
XOXO Keep us posted.

In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!

Posts: 887 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)

Why would a h who tells me that I am the only women he ever wanted, the women he loves ... tells me he has told me the truth, not take the polygraph, not go for counseling???

There are two possibilities that I can think of.

The first is that.....he wouldn't. He is full of bull and I guess just doesn't want to upset his life.

The second is that he really believes all those things. That he really FEELS them. But that he is too lazy and/or afraid to put in the work to make it happen.

Love is a verb. Verbs are action words. And he doesn't want to take any action.

I would make counseling a requirement for R.

Good luck...

D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1083 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
Member # 39362
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)

Me Ex refused counseling after the first dday too. Part of it was he wasn't ready to look at what he did. He wasn't ready to admit to everything he did and he had a lot of shame about his actions.

For him it was easier to rug sweep than face it.

There is always a rainbow after every storm.

Posts: 413 | Registered: May 2013 | From: California
Member # 40304
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)

The good reasons:

Because he's scared, of what he did and what that means about who he really is.

Because he's ashamed to face his actions and thinks that he can make them go away by hiding.

Because he's afraid that, because of the magnitude of what he did, nothing he does can and nothing he does should help you forgive him.

Because he knows that polygraphs are unreliable, and so thinks they're just a shell game to make con-men money.

Because he knows someone, or has heard of someone, who dealt with a bad IC or MC, so has no faith in their ability to help with anything.

The bad reasons:

Because he's still invested in the other relationship.

Because there's more to the story and he doesn't want you to find out.

Because he's unwilling to accept full responsibility for what he's done.

Because he's still cheating.

Which it is? I can't tell you, and I know had my WW refused to go to counseling or had I felt she was trying to hide things, that I would not have put up with it.

Me - BH 39
Her - FWW 36
D-Day: 8/13
Working on R

Posts: 309 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 11