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User Topic: Is my "Trust but verify" going too far?
No12turn2
Member
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

Iím not nearly as involved as I once was in snooping. Recently I started up again and found that she sent a text to OM #1. He never replied but that sent me back to square one. I guess it really shouldnít matter since we are getting a divorce, but I feel the urge to look. Last night I snuck the spare bedroom where she sleeps and grabbed her phone. I connected it to my laptop and ran Dr Fone on it. Mainly to see if he ever truly did reply or if she was involved with someone else. 10 minutes into my search, she came knocking on my door. I told her I hadnít gotten too far into the search and asked if there was anything I needed to know. She explained that her private diary notes are in there. I saw a few that had to do with OM#1 and she never talked that way about me. She also said there were some very private thoughts about me. I felt compelled to look and thought this might push me over the edge as far as D is concerned. I never did look at those notes.

Fast forward to her breaking down and crying, begging me to close that window and not read her private thoughts. She says she doesnít feel comfortable in our home and I am violating her privacy because Iím not finding anything. She also says she is paranoid and sleeps with a bell on her door so she can her me if I come in (didnít work). She drapes heavy curtains over the windows and changes in the closet because she feels like Iím capable of spying on her outside her room. Her feelings are a little exaggerated based on what I actually would do, but my question is when has it gone too far and should I back off? Does it even matter since she doesnít want to be with me?


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


Posts: 525 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
No12turn2
Member
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

I feel so weak and don't know why I am compelled to even look.

[This message edited by No12turn2 at 8:03 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)]


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


Posts: 525 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

It sucks, completely, but if you are divorcing I would stop looking.

It only hurts you more, feeds the crazy fire and makes things last forever.

Detach, start to go down a road on your own. Get IC and jump into healing.

Concentrate on saving YOU.

(((hugs)))


ďAnd the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossomĒ
AnaÔs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3792 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Kalliopeia
Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

If you are not reconciling and are divorcing, then IMO you would be best doing 180 and attempting to detach.

There is a reason the lady is so paranoid. Either she really believes what she is saying or she is messing with your head.


Either way, it's a game you would probably feel better not engaging in.


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
Lola7
Member
Member # 41195
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

If this divorce is really happening, personally I don't see a point in looking anymore.

My marriage is over too. I'm sure I could ask a million questions and get the gory details if I want, but I really don't want to know. What I do know is already plenty. Nothing I find out going forward is going to make me feel any better.

He can keep his lies and his bullshit to himself.


caelitus mihi vires
"My strength is from heaven"
DIVORCED!

Posts: 211 | Registered: Nov 2013
Kelany
Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

You're divorcing. Stop looking, no new hurts.

Also, if you are separated she could use this against you in the divorce. That your stalking her, unstable, etc.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
TrustGone
Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

You need to start concentrating on yourself and leave her to her own devices. Continuing to try and find out more will no longer serve a purpose if she does not want R. The only thing you are accomplishing is hurting yourself. I know that is hard, especially if you are still sharing a home, but you really need to work on doing the 180 and helping yourself heal. (((HUGS)))


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

((HUGS))

I'm sorry, but if you're divorcing, you should stop looking. If she's waffling and saying that she wants to be with you one day and not sure the next, then I don't blame you for looking. If she's firm that she wants divorce, then let her be.

I'm sorry. This sucks.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6647 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Rainbows
Member
Member # 39362
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

I went through something similar after my first dday. There was just this compulsion for me to be a super snooper.

A friend of mine snapped me out of it and said if you don't want to find stuff, stop looking. So I did.

You already have some idea you'll find something, so don't go looking for it. Ultimately the damage you're doing to yourself far outweighs any information you'll find. You already have all the information you need.

It used to remind me of a character in the horror movie when you're like noooo don't open that door.

It would be different if you were actively in R.

[This message edited by Rainbows at 8:19 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)]


There is always a rainbow after every storm.

Posts: 395 | Registered: May 2013 | From: California
No12turn2
Member
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

Thanks for the solid advice. I figured everyone would agree. Just hard to imagine that she no longer loves me with the OM out of the question. I think I'm just in denial. Always assumed with him out of the way that things would be fine.


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


Posts: 525 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

If your divorcing, snooping is self mutilation, imo. Just more pain your going to have. Im sorry, it must be so hard living under those conditions. Try to concentrate on you and your new future.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 4881 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Tred
Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

Always assumed with him out of the way that things would be fine.

Why? The problem isn't the OM - it's your WW. The AP is just a symptom of the WS's illness.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3849 | Registered: Dec 2011
No12turn2
Member
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

I have no idea why I want her back. I have no clue why I act like a WS who is trying to win back the BS


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


Posts: 525 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

I have no idea why I want her back. I have no clue why I act like a WS who is trying to win back the BS

It's probably been the tone of your relationship all along. Have you tried implementing the 180? It'll help you detach and get stronger. Getting some emotional distance will do you a world of good.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6647 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Kierst13
Member
Member # 39197
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

Also, if you are separated she could use this against you in the divorce. That your stalking her, unstable, etc.

^^This.

It will not go well for you if she setup a nanny cam in *her* personal space and you are found snooping around, especially if you are going in while she is sleeping. If she is really changing in the closet, it could be she does so because she does not want to change on camera.

It sounds like somewhat of an in-house separation and you invading her personal space is probably a big no-no.


Story in my profile
He lied, I gave the gift of R
He became the model remorseful WS...all while lying and seeing her
Am I done? Yes I am!

Posts: 347 | Registered: May 2013
No12turn2
Member
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

I think I am unstable. I don't like who I have become. I was never like this at all before D-Day. I do have separation anxiety and I have been working on it in IC. I find myself doing stupid things that make no sense to me like checking her "toys" to see if they have moved from the specific placement I left them in. All because we haven't been physical since early August and I again am in denial that she just isn't in the mood. Truth is she isn't in the mood with me, but she claims to not want it from anyone. I'm borderline psycho here folks and I need some help. I don't want to lose my daughters because of my actions.

[This message edited by No12turn2 at 10:00 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)]


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


Posts: 525 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
No12turn2
Member
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

I actually found myself listening at her door to see if I could hear her doing "alone time". I'm freaking sick


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


Posts: 525 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

I'm really sorry - I know this stuff will make you crazy, it is terrible.

Have you talked to your IC about your fears that you are losing control? Are you taking any medication? I've never taken anti-depressants or anxiety meds in my life before all this, but I did go on Pristiq for a while for anxiety attacks. It helped. A lot.

Is it necessary for you to both be in the house? Can she get an apartment, or can you? In house separation is hell.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6647 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
No12turn2
Member
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

I have talked to my IC and I'm on both meds. In house was only supposed to be until she got a job. that was 3 weeks ago. I asked my lawyer to set up another hearing, but no word yet. Hopefully soon


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


Posts: 525 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
No12turn2
Member
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

We had an MC session scheduled for tomorrow but we both were not excited to go. I'm thinking I want to go at least by myself to discuss my issues.


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


Posts: 525 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
Kierst13
Member
Member # 39197
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

I think it is good that you realize you are going too far. Concentrate on you and helping get yourself to a healing and better place.

Checking her toys and listening at her door to see if she is masturbating is going too far. Please protect yourself and get some help.


Story in my profile
He lied, I gave the gift of R
He became the model remorseful WS...all while lying and seeing her
Am I done? Yes I am!

Posts: 347 | Registered: May 2013
No12turn2
Member
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

So this isn't really normal, huh?


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


Posts: 525 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

I don't know about normal, but I think this kind of "crazy" thinking/behavior is common after a betrayal like this. It's definitely not healthy, but it's pretty damn understandable. Betrayal is traumatic. You can literally get post-traumatic stress disorder from marital infidelity (ask me how I know this ). Please don't beat yourself up for what you're doing, just try to get yourself to a healthier place.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6647 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Lola7
Member
Member # 41195
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

Don't be so hard on yourself. This shit is rough. ((hugs))

Deep down, you know you're going to have to let it go. Trying to get more info serves no purpose. You're only going to find more shit to obsess over. You have to let it go.

I felt like once I accepted that he really didn't want to be with me, then I can move forward. It hurts like hell, and I'm not close to over it, but that's the way it is. I only torture myself hanging on to hope that it could be different.


caelitus mihi vires
"My strength is from heaven"
DIVORCED!

Posts: 211 | Registered: Nov 2013
No12turn2
Member
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

I think the denial is over. She just doesn't want to be with me and no one is getting in the way. It's all her.


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


Posts: 525 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

Is it possible to crash at a friends house for a night or two until you can get in touch with your lawyer? The denial may be gone for now but the rollercoaster sucks. Getting away from her for a night or two can potentially help a lot more than any amount of meds. It'll be a lot easier to focus on yourself if she isn't anywhere around and none of her shit is accessible.


ďFate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.Ē

Posts: 7419 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
No12turn2
Member
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

Lawyer advised against interrupting normal routine. Which means the kids sleep in our home on school nights. I was leaving on weekends for a while and we shared the kids. may start this up again.


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


Posts: 525 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
No12turn2
Member
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)

This just in...Her lawyer is refusing to represent her until she gets paid. It's tough being an adult and paying bills.


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


Posts: 525 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)

(((No1)))

You need to re read on the 180. If D is imenent then you don't want to do anything, and I mean anything that can be construed as abnormal, or an invasion of her privacy. She needs to go. Please ask her to leave again, and if she refuses then really really focus on 180 for you. I mean doing your own laundry, cooking, and any other household duties. Moving her completely out of your bedroom. Not engaging her in any way shape or form other than written and that should be about the kids and finances only. Anything else isn't important enough to allow her to cause you more pain.

She is a sad broken woman, and you did nothing to cause this. You have to repeat this to yourself over and over and over until you honestly believe it.

((((and strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8100 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)

You are divorcing. Checking her actions, at this point, serves no purpose other than to rip your own scabs off. Redirect your energy to your own healing.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8522 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
No12turn2
Member
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)

Advice taken. Some part of me kept wanting her to put the brakes on this thing, but I think it's a little late for that


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


Posts: 525 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
EvenKeel
Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)

I read your post yesterday and it weighed on my mind all night long.

I am surprised I did not get out of bed at 2:00am to respond.

Despite what WW has done; no one should have to be afraid like this in their own home (bells on doors, heavy-duty curtains, etc). You need to stop. It is hurting all the parties involved.

Some part of me kept wanting her to put the brakes on this thing

Stop giving her control to write the rest of your story. If she gets her crap together down the road, so be it but do not stop on the path that you are on and be stuck in limbo.

I think you will find that once you get stronger and further down on the path; you will be more confident in telling her to buzz-off and meaning it.

In the meantime, stop spying, snooping, tracking, listening, etc. It will not help you at all.

I know your orders have been extended; but if you are unable to get control of your impulses while living in that house; you need to remove yourself from those temptations/location. Nothing positive will come out of this for you.

I use to date someone who went over-the-top like this. It has been almost 30 years and I STILL HAVE NIGHTMARES about it.


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2050 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
StrongerOne
Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)

((No12turn2))

I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through. And I am glad that you are working with a counselor on understanding and on developing better coping skills.

It's one thing to check to see if your W is communicating with another man. Quite another to read her personal diary, sneak into her room, and listen at her door. TBH, if I knew your W, I would advise her to move out asap. I understand having these *feelings* -- but please do work hard to stop acting on them.

Hugs again. Such an awful, painful situation to be in. None of us deserve it.


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 847 | Registered: Sep 2012
Topic Posts: 33