Topic: don't trust anyone - not just infidelity/cheating
|Helen of Troy|
Member # 26419
| Posted: 8:21 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)|
Today I feel as though I cannot rely on or trust anyone. This is not about cheating so much but just in general. I cannot think of one person who has not let me down.
Good therapy will explain that when feeling like this, one needs to adjust one's expectations. Lower expectations = less disappointment. That isn't helping at the moment.
I'm just really losing faith in all of humanity. People seem so self absorbed, fail to understand others, won't give their best effort for anyone but themselves.
Xwh takes responsibility for nothing and blames me for everything. Doesn't help with co parenting then criticizes me on how I'm doing it. Now this wouldn't bother me EXCEPT one teen believes his delusions as 100% truth and in turn criticizes me even more.
I can see how much EASIER life would be if I quit my full time job, quit part time school and just went on welfare. Seriously! just be their mom, lessen my stress by 99%.
I feel like no one understands me or takes the time to understand. Two people have told me directly they understood and that was the best gift ever. It was also authentic not patronizing, manipulative or fake.
If you have felt this way, what are some things you have done that have helped you feel differently? (other than lower your expectations)
Posts: 4677 | Registered: Dec 2009
Member # 21964
| Posted: 8:46 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)|
I understand completely and often feel this way.
But I''ve also realized that my ability to think well of others, and trust them at all, waxes and wanes with how I personally am feeling. So when I''m stressed, upset, having a very real issue with a very specific person (for example) then my mood is dark and it affects everything. I didn''t used to go from 0 to 60 in 2 seconds flat like that. Pre-philanderer, stuff didn''t accelerate past its true worth and drip over everything else. But now it does.
I don''t really have a solution other than I try and remind myself that I''m at the core of it. I recently broke up with someone because when all was said and done, I was doing exactly this. Hating on everything and everyone. And it was a reaction to being unhappy. I hadn''t consciously identified I was unhappy with *him*, but when I recognized that once again I was going overboard in my negative towards everyone, I was able to see that my unhappiness with him was the catalyst.
"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand
Posts: 3003 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
|Helen of Troy|
Member # 26419
| Posted: 9:34 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)|
Cayc what you wrote was insightful and helpful.
It's true with me; when mood is dark my worldview is also dark. I have to remember these are just feelings that will pass like a storm that eventually blows over. People are not their feelings and feelings are not always facts.
Posts: 4677 | Registered: Dec 2009
Member # 20849
| Posted: 10:07 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)|
I'm just really losing faith in all of humanity. I feel that way when I am depressed. Right now, I am dealing with clinical depression. On top of that, I just found my SO lying and starting EA's. But even before this, my mood was getting darker and darker.
I am starting on Zoloft. I don't like going the pill route, but I would have one good day for every 3 bad ones, so it was time to do something.
When I am feeling good about myself, I tend to see the good in others easier.
Most people aren't all good or all bad. Everyone has a dark and a light side to them. What we see tends to be what we project from ourselves.
Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.
Posts: 15100 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Member # 30346
| Posted: 11:31 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)|
I really just don't trust men. My friends are all really great, my family is good. ButÖit is men I don't trust. Working on it.
me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings
Posts: 4021 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
Member # 40229
| Posted: 4:00 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)|
I understand too!
All these morally bankrupt, selfish people around.
How is it possible so many are so messed up?
I'm at the point now, where I just want to be happy and it's looking like being happy has to mean being by myself.
I had FOO issues (like who here hasn't right!). I dealt with them when it came to family and friends treating me bad. I no longer have ANY friends that aren't true blue. Period. My family doesn't give me a lot of crap anymore either or I just cut them off, for years if necessary. I refuse to accept bad treatment from them. Yet I married a complete selfish POS. Go figure.
Now applying my attitude with friends and family to any future SO. If he can't hang with treating me right and doing the little things to make me happy, I'm walking and not accepting anything less than what I deserve.
I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
Posts: 2141 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
Member # 41568
| Posted: 4:52 PM, December 13th (Friday)|
If I may? And I absolutely mean no offense, But there are a lot of us men on here that are exactly where you are.
I have found that it is more a problem with me, that I was attracting and surrounding myself with these exact kind of people. Please don't misunderstand me, I have a lot of friends that are not like that but looking back I have been spending time with the ones that are this way.
My solution is this, I have great friends and family and friends I have not met yet that are morally intact and those are the people that I need to associate with and sever contact with the ones that are morally inept....
Be careful who you trust. Even your shadow will abandon you when it's dark.....
Posts: 112 | Registered: Dec 2013
Member # 32616
| Posted: 5:10 PM, December 13th (Friday)|
I donít agree with lowering expectations but I do think it helps to evaluate them. Consider why you are feeling let down, try not to take things personally, communicate if appropriate, and if in the end you find certain people in your life are not trustworthy, donít place your trust in them.
There are people worth having in your life, but itís harder to appreciate and find them when you waste your energy on people who donít deserve it.
Posts: 3256 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
Member # 26584
| Posted: 1:56 PM, December 15th (Sunday)|
Wait !!! Good therapy is to LOWER my standards ?!?! WTF is that and who thought that up !?!?! So I have to learn to settle with what ever people are willing to give out. So they never get held accountable for their actions ? So I just keep lowering my standards so as not to be let down, upset, hurt ect ect while the rest of the world lives like it's spring break ????
I think you need a new therapist.
I know how you feel. But I refuse to lower my standards. Either I will find what I want or I won't, either way I am not lowering my standards. For anything or anyone. To answer your question I have no idea how to begin to trust again. I think you need trust to give trust, and I have neither.
Nobody stops to take the time to understand or listen, instant gratification, nobody wants to wait, and nobody wants to put forth the effort for anything different.
(((Helen))) Hoping for peace and clarity in your new year.
I am fiercely independent and I wonít apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.
Posts: 18725 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
Member # 16482
| Posted: 4:08 PM, December 15th (Sunday)|
I don't know your story so I don't what kind of contact you have to have with your EX. But this guy is the root of your problems. He verbally abuses you and obviously has done it in front of your DS so now he is echoing his father.
When someone puts you down enough, you start believing what they say. DON'T. And start telling your son you will not put up with it any more. If you can, stop face to face contact with EX. Keep texts/emails business only and when he starts his abuse, cut him off.
Only when you start showing them how to respect you, and how you're not going to take it any more, will they start to change their attitude. With self respect and self love comes confidence and your mood will rise. You deserve respect.
I divorced him because I didn't like his girlfriend.
M 30 yrs.
Posts: 9587 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: East of the Rockies
Member # 36307
| Posted: 9:16 PM, December 15th (Sunday)|
My mom used to have a remedy or saying for everything. I used to roll my eyes, but honestly many really were right on.
Treat people the way you wish to be treated. ( even if they don't respond, you feel better about yourself)
Friendships and relationships need nourishment much like plants.
When our WS began their affairs new relationship, they put every effort into finding ways to be together....make things special.
I have often thought if the wayward could put that energy into their marriage it would put a different spin on divorce.
Most important Mom saying to me is
"No matter how had things are there is always someone worse off that you."
This was demonstrated to me when I accompanied my dear Mom terminally ill from cancer to her oncologist office. The office was full, young, old, affluent, obviously needy and my mom. I signed her in at the window and when I returned to my seat. My mom leaned in and whispered to me as she nodded toward another patient. " tell the nurse to take them first, they are sicker than me and shouldn't wait"
My mother was terminal, trust me the visual comparison between the two was heartbreaking to me. My Angel Mom was being kind, she was the worse of the two. Rip Mom
So I think of this in all situations. When I am betrayed, hurt, cheated, ignored.....but at the end of the day there is always going to be someone worse than me.
BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
Posts: 600 | Registered: Jul 2012
|Topic Posts: 11|| |