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User Topic: Susan Forward - "Toxic Parents"
Fireball72
Member
Member # 20152
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)

I was recently recommended a book called "Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life" by Susan Forward. Some here might know that my parents (both of them) are/have been pretty abusive (mother emotionally/mentally, father absent).

Has anyone ever read this book, or gotten anything out of it? I'm just curious - I've heard of this author but haven't ever read anything by her.

Thanks.


XBS - 42 and fabulous :D
Remarried happily in 2013
A relationship is built for two. But apparently, some bitches don't know how to count!

Posts: 602 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: The Chesapeake Bay
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)

Crazz read "Toxic Parents" and we both read "Toxic Inlaws."

Very illuminating. I highly recommend these books. They fall in line with everything our counselors are saying as well. It really helps someone who's codependent on their parents learn to detach.


I bow to those who keep their hearts open when it is most difficult, those who refuse to keep their armor on any longer than they have to, those who recognize the courage at the heart of vulnerability. - Jeff Brown

Posts: 17296 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
DixieD
Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)

Both my husband and I read Toxic Parents. It's a good book.

It was easy to see specific parents leap off the page, and dive into various reasons why (we) behave as we do with them.

To come to terms and deal with them whether they are living or deceased, you have current contact or you don't, and to realize that they are who they are and they will not change even if you confront them. Getting them to or expecting them to change is not the end goal in confrontation.

Susan Forward has lots of good books. We read Emotional Blackmail too. Described my MIL very well. So, therefore Toxic Inlaws is on my reading list too.

Also read Obsessive Love to have a greater understanding of the 'bunny boiler' type of AP.


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
persevere
Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, January 1st (Wednesday)

I read Toxic Parents - good book. It really helped me to create appropriate boundaries with my mom.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4515 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Fireball72
Member
Member # 20152
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, January 1st (Wednesday)

I finished it a couple of days ago. It brought me to tears, mainly because I recognized so much of my mother in that book - and I started to seriously wonder if my mother is NPD. So I've started researching a little about it, but I don't know where to start. All that I know for sure is that daughters of NPD mothers have serious issues, including codependency (I'm now reading "Codependent No More" and I see so much of myself in it).

Can anyone recommend books specifically dealing with NPD, especially NPD parents/mothers?

Thanks.


XBS - 42 and fabulous :D
Remarried happily in 2013
A relationship is built for two. But apparently, some bitches don't know how to count!

Posts: 602 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: The Chesapeake Bay
DixieD
Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, January 2nd (Thursday)

Fireball, it's good you could recognize things in Toxic Parents. Codependent No More is a great book too.

I've not read it but I've seen it on Amazon's suggestions list..... Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Dr. Karyl McBride

I didn't get all the way through Children of the Self-Absorbed by Nina Brown. It didn't keep my interest, perhaps because it was an audiobook.

I have Why Is It Always About You? : The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism by Sandy Hotchkiss but haven't read it yet.

I've heard good things about Disarming the Narcissist by Wendy T. Behary

Hope that helps


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
persevere
Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)

It was very helpful to me with boundaries with my mom, and she's responded well to them, but now the issue is that she's getting older and the dynamics are changing to me needing to care for her more, and this includes financially. And I don't recall the book addressing that. Anyone have a book for Toxic Parents who then need their kids to care for them? It's a tough dynamic.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4515 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Cally60
Member
Member # 23437
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, January 4th (Saturday)

Another book that I found interesting was Difficult Mothers: Understanding and Overcoming Their Power by Terri Apter.

The following newspaper article will tell you more about the content:

http://journalism.sallybrampton.co.uk/2012/08/mommie-dearest.html


Posts: 2113 | Registered: Mar 2009
Fireball72
Member
Member # 20152
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, January 4th (Saturday)

Thanks for the recommendations, all. I plan on purchasing all of what you've suggested, and more.

I had to spend the day with my mother fixing a problem that, of course, needed "immediate" attention, and I could see more and more how NPD traits fit her. I was absolutely chilled by how accurate the descriptions are.

Not a good thing to live with, but better that I've started looking into it now so that I'll know (or at least figure out) better coping skills.

Sigh.


XBS - 42 and fabulous :D
Remarried happily in 2013
A relationship is built for two. But apparently, some bitches don't know how to count!

Posts: 602 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: The Chesapeake Bay
DixieD
Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, January 5th (Sunday)

Persevere, that is a tough spot. The only suggestion I have are books like Codependent No More or ones on boundaries that may be helpful to keep you on your toes and stop you from overdoing it, giving too much or being taken advantage of.

Fireball72, it's hard dealing with a NPD. Saw my MIL recently. WOW. It is helpful when you can identify it and have a better sense of what is happening before your eyes. It's helped me not get sucked into her behavior or comments.

Good luck


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
Fireball72
Member
Member # 20152
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, January 5th (Sunday)

Persevere, I'm in the same situation as you are. The books that I'm reading are helping me to identify the issues that underly our interactions (which, up until now, I didn't even know about), so I figure that I'll get to the "caretaking" part of it sooner or later.

I grew up seriously thinking that there was something wrong with ME - that I could never do anything right or please my mother in any way. One of the most shocking things I ever read was a "list" of phrases that NPD parents tend to use, and one of those phrases listed was the EXACT SAME WORDS that my mother used with me as a child -

"Look at Sarah Bernhardt, hamming it up again!"

Now, that's a pretty specific phrase, and one that I thought was just individual to my mother - but, no. It was on the list (in a different way, but still on the list) - and I blanched. My mouth literally dropped to the FLOOR. Instant tears. Really!

To this day, the word "melodramatic" makes me trigger VERY, very hard. How can you call a four year old melodramatic?

Anyway, sorry for the threadjack. I figure that when the time comes where I need to be more hands-on involved in my mother's care... this sounds really bad, but I figure that she's dependent on me and if I've had enough of her antics, I'll just walk away and she won't get what she wants (which will force her to toe the line, so to speak). That's how I'm planning to handle it - for now. Unless I can come up with a better strategy in my readings.

I'm sorry we're all in this position.


XBS - 42 and fabulous :D
Remarried happily in 2013
A relationship is built for two. But apparently, some bitches don't know how to count!

Posts: 602 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: The Chesapeake Bay
Topic Posts: 11