User Topic: rewriting history
New Member
Member # 41272
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)

Why does my xh constantly have to rewrite our marriage. We were married for 24 years. Apparently he is now telling everyone that we were both miserable and that we had a loveless marriage. I want to laugh at this since the night before dday he kissed me goodnight/ and said he loved me. I am trying to keep nc but divorce settlement business and kids are in the way. I know he has a new girfriend (not the ow he dumped her and a week later joined an online dating service where he met new girlfriend. I think he is again trying to justify that he was right to cheat on me and leave me. Any advice to stop caring about what he tells everyone?

Me: 49 (BS)
Him:49 (WH)
Married:24 years
2 kids DS 18 and DD 21
DDay 5/7/13 out of nowhere
Divorce final on 10/20/13

Posts: 20 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: PA
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)

You've been through a whirlwind over the past 6 months based on your tagline so it could take a while for you to stop caring about what he says. That will come with more NC and more detachment.

For now, you have to consider the source. He's a liar and a cheater and a coward. Of course he will never say that you had a good marriage and that you were a loving wife because then people will wonder what the hell was wrong with him. He would have to wonder what the hell is wrong with himself.

Rewriting is very common. At the very least, he has to say that it was a loveless, unhappy marriage and that you just grew apart. At the worst, he has to vilify you personally. Without rewriting history, there is no real justification for his horrible choices. It's a way for an unremorseful wayward to cope. The mind can play all sorts of tricks on itself and people can convince themselves that their lies are true if they want it bad enough.

You know the truth. And, presumably everyone who is close to you and loves you also knows the truth. Everyone else? Screw 'em.

BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2840 | Registered: Jan 2011
Member # 28851
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)

In addition to being a loveless, miserable marriage, I was apparently emotionally abusive. He and OW (my best friend) were both trapped by controlling, abusive spouses.

Which is weird given that OW was my best friend for years so, presumably, thought I had some redeeming qualities and was a good person.

Huh. Weird.

How I dealt with it? Anyone who would believe the lies is not someone who I care about in my life. Virtually every single person who was friends with both of us (OW) will have nothing to do with her now. They know the truth, and are appalled not only by her actions, but the ensuing smear campaign.

I know it's hard, but try to ignore it. Anyone who believes someone who had affairs (thus, is clearly adept at lying) is foolish and shouldn't be worth your angst.

Me: 40 and fabulous!
3 children ages 10, 12 and 14
Ex said he wanted separation 2/14/10
DDay #1: 5/23/10 18 month affair with his 22 yr old paralegal
DDay #2 9/22/10 my best friend, now his wife
Divorced: 12/10/10
Re-married a wonderful man.

Posts: 329 | Registered: Jun 2010
Member # 41150
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)

The last thing I would do every morning on my way out the door for work would be taking the coffee pot upstairs and refilling my wife's cup on the vanity, kiss her goodbye, and tell her that I love her and would miss her until evening.

She would say that she loved me and would miss me, too.

Now it keeps coming back to me that she has been telling everyone that I constantly ignored her and never showed any love or affection whatsoever.

It is amazing how much alike all of these cheaters are! I see my WW in almost every post on this site (except the one's who are interested in R.)

Follow your BRAIN.
Your HEART is stupid as shit.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Oct 2013
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)

I know I shouldn't care, but it still breaks my heart to think of being reduced to a punch line as some sort of money grabbing shrew. I loved him, and he screwed me. It's not ok to bad mouth me too. God help him if I find out he has.

40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller

Posts: 638 | Registered: May 2013
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 6:46 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)

I have come to accept that xWH lies. He lives on lies. Our marriage of convenience wasn't very convenient for me. Hell, I didn't even know that's what it was. If I had known, I wouldn't have brought him coffee every morning, made his lunch, laid out his clothes, made sure that the kids homework was done and dinner was on the table when he got home and then made love to him 3 to 5 times a week and this was the normal day to day. Dang, wish I would have gotten the memo.

[This message edited by IrishLass518 at 11:38 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)]

Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1778 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)

This is so typical of every wayward. You are not alone . Let those who want to believe and support those actions go! They are people you do not need in your life. You are still fresh so be easy on yourself give yourself time to heal and no contact. What do you have to say that is so important. I do everything through my lawyer. More money but well worth it. Good luck.

"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 679 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)

My ex-W still tells everyone that I was some sort of of anger management, control freak head case. It only took her 24 years to figure it out.

As we came apart, she re-wrote our marriage back to before the wedding itself.

It's what they do, what they must do, to justify themselves.

"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11

Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)

Yup, I have also heard how horrible my marriage apparently was for years. I was emotionally unavailable to him. (Never mind that I was the most excellent nurse to him after his life threatening surgeries... Went back to school to better our family's financial situation... And he sadly posted on Facebook 3 weeks prior to Dday about missing his wife and kids so much because we were on a 10 day trip to visit HIS parents that he just wished we would come home...and he happily jumped my bones the night we did return saying how much he missed me)

Also, the Dooosh was an abused husband.

And I seem to be a Borderline Personality disordered person, according to him. Along with being a narcissist!

I wonder if I can put in requests? Maybe I can be a vampire next? That sounds so much more exciting.

[This message edited by PurpleRose at 8:09 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)]

divorced the Dooosh
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.

Posts: 3612 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)

Yup, I apparently was emotionally and psychology abusive also. I was also very controlling. I guess I wasn't very good at it cause he managed to have an ongoing A for over 3 years
I guess this is what makes them both sleep better at night

Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1778 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)

When confronted, this is what my XWH said to a co-worker

XWH: The marriage was really bad for a long time.

Co-worker: Really? Then if the marriage was so bad, why did you just adopt a newborn baby?

XWH: I thought a baby would help the bad marriage.

Co-worker wasn't buying it.

D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.

Posts: 3410 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Topic Posts: 11