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User Topic: Fork in the road....need lots of support.
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Shutup  Posted: 1:10 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)

I'm going to need lots of support in the coming weeks.

TG crossed a line tonight. There are only two options at this point. He needs professional help or this relationship is over. I hate ultimatums but we are there.

I am going to have to quietly plan an exit strategy. He won't take it well.

The pain and sadness hasn't hit me yet. I'm still in shock. When it does, please hit me with your softest 2 X 4s and great SI advice.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8407 | Registered: Apr 2008
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 1:16 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)

(((((((((hexed)))))))))

I haven't followed your story for a while and I don't know what's going on, so I can't give any advice.

I wanted you know I'm sorry you've had this turn of events, though.


Posts: 11413 | Registered: Mar 2008
Bluebird26
Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 2:44 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)

((hexed)), sorry it has turned out this way. Please look after yourself. Remember you can't fix them. It's up to them.


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1285 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
cayc
Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 6:14 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)

As you know, kinda sorta been going through this myself the past few months. And it''s been hard. Oh so hard. I had to be really clear with my guy. And as he thrashed around in pain and tired to tell me why I was doing what I was doing, I had to be strong and say "no, only this".

I''ve never had to break up with someone I loved before. So I''ve found it feels wretched both before and after. There''s no relief from doing it. NC helps not getting sucked back in. But I don''t feel any better. I feel resigned because I had to do it. And I didn''t want to.

(((hexed)))


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3003 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
Undefinabl3
Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)

I am old enough and wise enough to know that the Beatles were wrong. You need more then love - much more then love.

((Hexed))


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1694 | Registered: Sep 2012
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)

I love him dearly but he needs to get professional help for his pain. He's been spiraling down hill for the last several months.

He got really really drunk last night. I'm not OK with ongoing drinking issues and his have been escalating significantly in recent months.

He did a couple of things that were intentionally hurtful to me while he was drunk. I've never ever had direct his anger at me. I'm so not OK with it.

Now I have to find time and a way to say "either you start working on your shit in a healthier way or i'm out"

I'm worried about him not taking it well if I have to end it. I'm also worried about him lashing out agains me, my son or my animals.

The whole thing just took a dramatic turn last night. I'm still stunned. Unfortunately I recognize this feeling. Its the same stunned I had after DDay when I just got up and went to work b/c that's what had to be done. No thinking No feeling. I'm dreading the feeling.

I'm praying so hard he can truly hear me when we talk. I got the dreaded drunk apology last night. All I could manage to say "later, we'll talk later" I HATE the drunk apology.

FML!


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8407 | Registered: Apr 2008
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)

dammit now the tears. they need to fucking wait until tomorrow. i'm having my performance evaluated at work today. and i don't mean a 30 minute written review. someone watching me do my job for 8 hours. FML


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8407 | Registered: Apr 2008
ajsmom
Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)

(((((hexed)))))

Oh, my friend - my heart breaks for you!

I'm so proud of you that you set a boundary and are sticking with it, regardless of the outcome. Know that there is strength and power in that!

Covering you today in prayer, especially that your evaluation day goes well.

I'm so sorry, hexed. Truly sorry for you.


AJ's MOM

ETA: Be careful of the Hoovering...

[This message edited by ajsmom at 8:23 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)]


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
FaithFool
Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)

Oh shit, hexed, I'm so sorry to hear this.

You know what you need to do, it totally sucks, but if you let it slide it will not be good.

Will be thinking of you today.

((((hexed))))


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17173 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Exit Wounds
Member
Member # 32811
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)

(((((hexed))))) you are not alone! We are right by your side, my friend. Hang in there. It's a tough time right now. I get that. BUT! YOU WILL MAKE IT! I know you will be OK on the other sied. It will all work itself out. Just be good to yourself and your kids and your pets. My thoughts and prayers are with you...

Posts: 2478 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: With my dad...and my dog...
Rainbows
Member
Member # 39362
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)

Sending you hugs and light.

Trust yourself and know you are loved and supported.


There is always a rainbow after every storm.

Posts: 390 | Registered: May 2013 | From: California
nutmegkitty
Member
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)

((hexed))


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2570 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)

(((((hexed))))) Sending you strength, hexed.


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24442 | Registered: Aug 2011
Spirit13
Member
Member # 31758
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)

((hexed))

I'm so sorry! All I can say is that you have to stay strong and stand up for yourself. I know you know this... as hard as it is to to. Dealing with the alcoholic behavior just sucks so much especially when you just divorced to get away from it.

Stand your ground. We are here for you!


Men were deceivers ever; one foot in sea and one on shore, to one thing constant never.

Posts: 620 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Midwest
Weatherly
Member
Member # 18222
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)

Well, crap.


(((((((Hexed))))))))


Me-29,Two boys, 10 and 8

It will all be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end

Happily remarried to a wonderful man (Aussie). I think I found the right guy and the right finger this time.


Posts: 4476 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Indiana
itainteasy
Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)

Thinking of you, hexed.

Posts: 3308 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
little turtle
Member
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)

((((hexed))))

I'm so proud of you for standing up for yourself. I'm so sad that you had to do this. I hope he's willing to do whatever it takes to keep you in his life.


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4131 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
thebighurt
Member
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)

((((Hexed))))


Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 2189 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
better4me
Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, December 11th (Wednesday)

(((hexed)))

Courage dear Hexy, sending you courage and strength.


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3013 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
veelop5
Member
Member # 11089
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)

So sorry to hear this...you have always given me words of encouragement and I want you to know that I will be thinking of you...Which ever way this turns out you know that you will be ok!! We are strong hexed ((((hugs))))


ME-38
XH-40
3 beautiful boys (20,19 & 15)
Update: Moved in to my own apartment 8/7/2012
Divorce final 3/27/2013

Posts: 1085 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Pennsylvania
hit-by-a-train
Member
Member # 8923
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)

Awww.....POOP!!!! I so wish this was not happening to you! Strength, courage, resolve....all wishes for you, as well as a reminder that you WILL be OK, no matter what.

(((((hexed)))))


In the depths of winter I finally learned there was in me an invincible summer..Albert Camus
**Beloved hubby died at home 1/28/2013, age 61..** God sent me two good men in a row......and saved the best for last. Grief & joy coexist.

Posts: 2279 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: USA
persevere
Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)

(((hexed))) Thinking of you and sending you positive energy and strength. <3


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4378 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
gardenparty
Member
Member # 12050
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)

hugs my dear. I hope your performance review goes well for you and that you are able to work things out in your personal life.


divorced!

Posts: 2648 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: newfoundland
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)

Oh No! I am so sorry to hear this. Good for you for knowing really clearly what your boundaries are and not being fuzzy headed and making excuses for him.

You guys are living together right? Please stay safe and ask others to be nearby if he gets drunk and mean.

Good luck with the performance review.

You have that talk when you are ready to have the talk.

My heart goes out to you.

(((((hexed)))))


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. dating again, living in the sticks with a cat. It's taking a long time to create new dreams and a new life but it is slowly coming together.

Posts: 5738 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
JenniMay
Member
Member # 24595
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)

Sending you lots of hugs, hexed. I'm so sorry you're going through a painful situation.

Praying for strength and clarity...


Betrayed after 13 years of marriage.
DDay & Separated - June 2009
Divorced - March 2010


Posts: 664 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: On the Coast in Virginia
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)

(((hexed)))

I have faith and confidence in you. No matter what the short term struggles may be, I KNOW you will rise and conquer!!!!

I hope you rocked the review, and I hope that your talks and decisions are clear and profitable.

(((more hugs)))


Me: 43, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5617 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
ajsmom
Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)

How did things go today, hon?

Check in with us.


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, December 12th (Thursday)

Thanks all for checking in on me and the support. I've read and re-read b/c it helps so much.

The good news on the review is that I don't require a follow up visit by QC which in essence means I passed. My overall performance may not have been excellent. The report isn't done yet but I'm at least adequate.

TG and I talked some last night. He is definitely owning his behavior. He said a couple of things during the discussion, unprompted, that were important.

The drinking part of it is tricky. He has not been a regular heavy drinker. He is a binge drinker when some of the PTSD related issues start to get too much in his head. He didn't drink last night but that's not really much of anything.

He's never been violent or mean when he's had too much too drink. Its hard to explain the nature of what happened. I drew a line, his comments were out of line. Then he got mad when I wouldn't back down. Now I know its pointless to draw a line with a drunk person. I should have disengaged but my overall reaction freaked him out. Then he went out for a walk in single digit temps. More weirdness and drunk apology when he got back. The man is wrestling with some demons and he's got to handle it better.

I asked if he would seek professional help b/c I wasn't going to stick around for any more of this if he isn't going to actively seek help. He said yes but he's scared. I think he's really afraid of what opening up some of this to daylight will do to him. I said that I would go and be with him during his first sessions if he would feel better.

I know what triggered this spiral. I know I can't live with it if he isn't going to get help with it. I can handle an occasional meltdown but this is getting too much too often. It is not healthy for any of us.

I have to try hard to learn and act the difference between codependent and supportive.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8407 | Registered: Apr 2008
ajsmom
Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, December 12th (Thursday)

I have to try hard to learn and act the difference between codependent and supportive.

As you know, we share the demons of alcoholism and codependency with our men and IMO, you are acting the difference here. The old hexed would have let it slide and mothered him back to normalcy. The new and improved hexed has laid a very strong boundary out for him and you’ve not caved. The old hexed would have called the IC or driven him there. The new and improved hexed is leading him to where he needs to go.

BIG difference.

You do know that until he takes those steps to actively seek the help – on his own – his words mean nothing. It doesn’t matter if he’s a daily drinker or a binge drinker, his emotions are being swallowed by the alcohol and if he really and truly WANTS change, he has to be the change maker.

You need to set a date that it be done – which is pushing your codependency further away and establishing a more clearer boundary – and if HE fails to do it, then he lives with the consequences.

Remember the drill – they’re “good boys” until you relent on the boundaries or let them hoover you into the cycle of the forgiveness and kiss and make up stuff – until the next, next time.

This isn’t your first rodeo. Don’t let there be another next time if he doesn’t do the hard work.

You’ve come way too far in your healing to be sucked back into your past.


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, December 12th (Thursday)

AJ -- very very wise post. thank you. you really do understand the subtleties that I struggle with.

One of the things that I'm having a hard time with is waiting for him to take action. He truly has no idea what to do in terms of getting mental health help. Its a foreign concept to him. Its taking every ounce of my being not to find him an IC or at least a list of them.

We need to talk more this weekend. I haven't given him a deadline but you're right. I need to. It needs to be a clear boundary so he understands specifically what my expectations are and I know I have clear specifics in my head right now of when to walk away.

We did discuss what can be done/strategies to shake him into awareness when he starts to hit this weird dark place he gets in to. I see it coming before he does. That was productive but not enough. This is the first time he has openly discussed seeing an IC. Follow through is key.

My new mantra *i can't do it for him*


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8407 | Registered: Apr 2008
better4me
Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, December 12th (Thursday)

Glad to hear that he is admitting what is going on. Hope he proves his ability to deal with his demons by following through with your requirements.

I like the new mantra.

And continue (((Hexed)))


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3013 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
Newlease
Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, December 12th (Thursday)

Is he a veteran? I seem to remember you saying something about that, but I get members mixed up sometimes.

If he is, look into group therapy at the nearest VA facility. It has been a real life-saver for some of my friends who are veterans.

My SO is an Army veteran who served 2 tours in Vietnam. He is 65 years old and he just recently asked a friend who is also a Vietnam vet how often he thinks about his experiences in the war. His reply was "Every day" which my SO replied, "I thought I was the only one." Group therapy is so very good because it helps people not feel so alone.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7647 | Registered: Aug 2005
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, December 12th (Thursday)

Thanks NL. Yes he is a Veteran. 20 years. 6 combat tours. Both my Dad and Stepdad are Vietnam Vets who still deal with it more days than not.

The start of the most recent cascade was actually swapping stories with my Step Dad at Thanksgiving.

Unfortunately due to other VA related issues, he's a little hostile towards anything connected with the VA. I'm going to mention it but for my own well being I CANNOT find his help for him. He has to do this.

We are going to play cards at the VA retirement home on Christmas day so maybe that will be a start of connecting to VA programs.

Its hard b/c the trauma is real and harsh. Its not unreasonable for him to have these moments. He has actually improved in many many ways since I've known him which is why I have hope he can continue to get healthier. However, hope is not enough to keep a relationship healthy.

Another odd trigger that I don't understand, seems to be that he confided in me the details of a particularly horrific event. He's never shared with me like that before. I was touched that he felt safe enough to share. He apologized for sharing something so awful. That was a couple days before and he's been downhill ever since. I need to find a support group too I think.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8407 | Registered: Apr 2008
little turtle
Member
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, December 12th (Thursday)

I'm glad to hear that he's willing to seek counseling and work on getting himself better. I know you can't do it for him, but could you point him in the direction of how to find a compatible therapist? I know you want him to do it all himself, but if he is absolutely clueless as to where to go... an arrow in the right direction seems harmless to me, but I don't know.

From what you've said, it sounds like the more your SO talks about the past (Thanksgiving and talking with you) and probably thinks about the things that happened, the harder it is for him to handle life. I can see how scary it must be to seek out a person to talk about (probably) horrible things and then have the struggle of learning how to cope with these things after talking about it with someone (saying it out loud always seems to make things even more real). These are huge changes that he's (hopefully) about to attempt and learn how to adapt these new skills into his life.

It may be too soon for a group setting. I imagine other members will be sharing their stories which may be a trigger. Perhaps after he has developed some coping skills for himself, he will be able to reach out to others in a similar boat and learn from them. Regardless of where the support comes from, it's clear that he needs an outlet to talk about what's going on in his head and skills to cope with them, instead of drinking.


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4131 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
Griefstricken25
Member
Member # 29183
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, December 12th (Thursday)

Hexed, I'm so sorry!! I've followed your story off and on through the years, and had such hope for you two.

SI is here for you, 100%, as always. Be good to you.


Me!
3 amazing kidlets
To WXH "Now you're just somebody that I used to know." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9NF2edxy-M
D-day and separation - June, 2009
Divorced - December, 2011

Posts: 2501 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: A better place
Catwoman
Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, December 12th (Thursday)

A good resource for a competent IC would be his primary care physician. I find that they are generally up on the various providers in the immediate area.

I, too, think the VA would be a huge help to him, but he has to face his demons and go.

Cat


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29543 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
DeadMumWalking
Member
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, December 12th (Thursday)

((((hexed))))

No 2x4s, padded or otherwise

One of the things that I'm having a hard time with is waiting for him to take action.

Yep, waiting. Like you're on hold. Limbo. And you know what? The bar will keep getting lower and lower unless you ACTIVELY (sorry for the CAPS) maintain your boundary.

Another thing I noticed (that I have in common unfortunately) is the word 'if'. It's a limbo word. Conditional. A 'please don't make me have to do this' kind of thing.

I'm so sorry for your pain. What you are going through must feel almost unbearable. But know that sticking up for you, protecting yourself, is a wonderful thing to be able to do for yourself. Even when it sucks in the moment.

Listen to ajsmom, she has walked the walk.

Sending strength and mojo your way.

((((hexed))))


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 24 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 29
Dday: Dec 2008
re-separated (in-house), for good (??) <-- should really remove these, shouldn't I...

Posts: 2538 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, December 12th (Thursday)

"if" is not my friend. its almost as awful as the dreaded T word...'time'.

A deadline is in order. AJs mom is right. She most often is. I hate that she is but a fact is a fact and a deadline is a fact in my life right now.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8407 | Registered: Apr 2008
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, December 13th (Friday)

An updates:

We had a long but fragmented talk last night. It was good but I think we were both left feeling a little more unsettled about things.

We discussed some of the things that particularly triggered his behavior. One of which was completely not my fault but my words triggered a very negative episode with his XW. I pointed out that perhaps there was pattern that he needed to look at. He didn't take that great. I feel like he's taken on the personna of war damaged veteran too much. He's become so meshed with that image that he's stuck there. I challenged him to get out of that mindset. He doesn't think he's thinking like that. It was a tough conversation.

He is also worried about me accepting him as he is. That somehow if he tells me too much or I see too much of the bad I won't love him anymore. We also dealt with some of his FOO issues that are significantly related to abandonment.

The good part was that he had spent the evening reading more about PTSD. He's still not happy with seeing a private IC. He has had bad experiences in the past. He is open to reaching out to the groups at the VA for help. I'm struggling mentally to decide if this is sufficient in my mind.

The conversation covered a lot of ground. I do feel like some things that are important to me were minimized b/c of that. I was able to identify 3 topics that are important to me. One thing I do know is that when I bring them he will listen and consider them so I feel good about that. It was clear that he had put a lot of thought into the situation. I didn't agree with everything he had to say but he's putting energy into it.

I don't feel like the relationship is more solid today than it was a couple of days ago but we are communicating. I believe he's trying to do what I need. Unfortunately, I need him to need the same thing. I can't do it for him so he has to want to work on these things too.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8407 | Registered: Apr 2008
libertyrocks
Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, December 13th (Friday)

I know how hard it is. I let my STXH take the reigns on our relationship. I told him IC/MC, 12 step, AA, no drinking were my requirements. So, he chose date night. We went to a bar, he told me he wanted to spend time with the boys and I instead of his chemical dependency program, wanted to have a drink with me. Later that night, after 4 beers, he bumped into another car in the parking lot with the boys and I in the car. The next day I kicked him out. You can't MAKE them stop. My case in point. Look what happened when I let him decide...


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,alcoholic, suspected NPD SA. 2 boys. M 6yrs T13.
DDay #1 Nov, 2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (all W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan, 2014
Filed for D Feb, 2014.He will cheat again. But, It wont be on me.

Posts: 923 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, December 13th (Friday)

liberty

I have been through the alcoholism with my X. My conditions were 1) 90 days sober 2) NC w/the OW and 3)MC He left MC and went on a date with the OW to a movie theater that served beer and got his second DUI.

In this situation, alcohol is an issue but its not actually THE issue. He has no problem going for extended time periods w/o drinking. weeks and months aren't an issue. Its the binging when he does. I'm not sure AA is the hill I want to die on for this relationship. Getting help for the PTSD which plagues him every day of his life is the hill I'm going to stand and fight on.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8407 | Registered: Apr 2008
ThoughtIKnewYa
Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, December 13th (Friday)

Getting help for the PTSD which plagues him every day of his life is the hill I'm going to stand and fight on.

You're awesome, hexed!!


Posts: 11413 | Registered: Mar 2008
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, December 13th (Friday)

Aawww...(((hexed))) I'm so sorry you are having these issues. I know he has had trouble in the past with this, maybe this is the impetus he needs to finally start getting some real help.

I don't have much good advice these days but I do want to send positive thoughts and prayers for you guys.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15115 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, December 13th (Friday)

((Hexed)). How did I miss this thread?

You and tg are in my thoughts.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7435 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
booger bear
Member
Member # 26584
Default  Posted: 11:19 PM, December 13th (Friday)

Hope your doing ok .....

(((hexed)))


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18725 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here, but not there ...
exhausted lady
Member
Member # 30217
Default  Posted: 1:22 AM, December 14th (Saturday)

(((hexed)))

I know you love him. But please, don't let his PTSD be the hill that takes YOU down. He's got it, he knows it, and he needs to deal with it.

Or else.

Shit, I've got PTSD. I've struggled with it for years, and yes, it's a bitch. BUT, he needs to own his shit on that subject. There is not reason for him to dump that load on you, and make you suffer too.

I admire you for trying to stick it out with this, but don't let it turn into an endless dance....and it can. Stick to your guns and your boundaries. You are worth it.


Sometimes the hardest part of finally seeing through someone is accepting what you see...

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to
change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.
-Reinhold Neibuhr


Posts: 3168 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Colorado
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 6:38 AM, December 14th (Saturday)

No this can't be an endless dance. I'm working on it. Its tough but I will stick to my guns on this one.

TG recognizes that he has it. Its been a slow process for him but he has always owned it and slowly improved in dealing with it over the time we've been together.

Lately he's just gone backwards in a big way and for too long.

The good news is that he's not hiding from it or me in the wake of this.

The bad news is that I just have to watch what happens.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8407 | Registered: Apr 2008
foxglove
Member
Member # 21791
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, December 14th (Saturday)

(((hexed)))

I just wanted to add my support. It sounds you know yourself and know your boundaries-that's very healthy, even if it doesn't feel good right now.

Please take care of yourself.


Me (BS)47
XH (WS)53
Married 21 years
Divorced 2/19/07
Two sons 21 and 23 in college

Posts: 1451 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Northern Michigan
Topic Posts: 48