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User Topic: WW want me to take 50% blame
Sadman70
New Member
Member # 31559
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, December 12th (Thursday)

This is a bit of a frustrated rant.

My wife had started up her fourth affair again while we were having marriage counselling and at the same time she was saying that she wanted to reconcile with me. My trust went below zero.

I moved out of our family home. It's been six months of separation and living in strange houses with not much comfort.

My wife talks about getting back together but at the same time shows very little remorse and if I ever bring up the affairs she instantly puts the blame back on me...I was unemotional, she tried to better things for a long time, etc. Some of that is true and I have had a few years of therapy and taken responsibility for how I was and have made an effort to change. I really think I have done a lot.

But, she wants me to take 50% of the blame for the affairs. She is incredibly defensive about it.

I don't know what to do. We have three kids who are really suffering. I really don't want to put myself through more pain.


Wife 43
Me 43
3 kids
Affair 1 2008
Affair 2 2009
Affair 3 : 13 march 2010
Affair 4: 8 October 2012
Affair 4 again: March and April

Posts: 9 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Melbourne, Australia
TrustGone
Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, December 12th (Thursday)

You can only accept 50% of the blame for the pre-A marriage. You have 0% blame for her affairs. That is all on her. Since it appears that she has been screwing around for a very long time I don't think anything you do or don't do will make a whole lot of difference in this broken WW. Work on yourself. You can't change her and it is quite obvious that she has no intentions of accepting the damage she has done to you, your kids, and even herself. I am sorry she has done this.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
Bobbi_sue
Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, December 12th (Thursday)

Four Affairs? And all of them are "half" your fault?

Well, there are some things, that in my book are "just as bad" as cheating, such as physical abuse, sometimes verbal abuse, being a drunk, drug abuser, lazy, not gainfully employed for long periods of time, or being a common criminal, in jail, and there is more that I could list.

My point is those are all reasons to possibly get a D, and I actually would D for those reasons just as fast I would for cheating, but as we have all said many times, there is no "excuse" for having an A. That was her decision.


Posts: 5764 | Registered: Apr 2006
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, December 12th (Thursday)

Although its hard on the kids, moving back home with an unrepentant wife who basically says that every time you step out of line [from her point of view] she is likely to initiate another affair . This isn't acceptable. She views affairs as an OK mechanism for marital problems which is an appalling point of view.

She wants to reconcile for help with the kids, reunite the family and financial reasons. I'll lay you dollars to doughnuts she will then carry on with further addictive affairs since she doesn't assume much responsibility for cheating in the first place.

Best to initiate divorce; better that this limbo you find yourself in.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
DeadMumWalking
Member
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, December 12th (Thursday)

But, she wants me to take 50% of the blame for the affairs.

Fuck that.

If you're out of money, is the first thing you do to rob a bank? No.....you find other, HEALTHY ways to deal with the problem: cut items from your budget, sell things you don't need, borrow money/take out a loan, get a second job, etc.

It doesn't matter HOW emotionally absent / what a crappy partner you were in the M. You can take credit for how you contributed to a bad M. You CANNOT take ANY credit for your WW's decision to 'rob a bank' (betray you) to solve 'money problems' (bad M).

I really don't want to put myself through more pain.

The longer you hang on to hope with her bullshit, the longer you will be in pain.

Decide what you want YOUR life to look like and move in that direction. Too bad for her that she won't do any REAL digging to fix herself and her poor coping mechanisms.

I'm so sorry for your pain.

((((Sadman))))


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 25 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 30
Dday: Dec 2008
Limbo-ish, again (after multiple S) -- weighing my options

Posts: 2625 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, December 12th (Thursday)

The first thing to understand that your WW is addicted to these thrilling, exciting, exhilarating affairs. Your marital deficiencies have conveniently provided her with an excuse and justification for cheating. If you return to the marriage and behave perfectly she will still cheat, since she is seeking the validation high these affairs provide.
Thats why we say the WS owns 100% of the blame for adultery.

She will find some excuse to run around on you, since it is her crippling personality deficiencies that cause her to seek out men for her validation fix. With zero trust you would have to continually monitor her whereabouts; not much of a marriage.

Reconciliation without remorse and trust is a pointless exercise if its happiness you seek. You may have to return for the kids and financial reasons, but it will be difficult to achieve a blissful relationship.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
No12turn2
Member
Member # 40996
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, December 12th (Thursday)

Respectfully...I'm not sure I could go through 4 affairs. You have amazing strength and hope for her but it may be time to move on.


Me/BS 35
WW 32
M 12 yrs 2 Girls 10 & 7
Phone/Cyber Affairs (3 D-Days)
Status: DIVORCED 4/24/2014

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.


Posts: 526 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United Staes
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, December 12th (Thursday)

Sadman70,
Your WW is a serial adulterer. I don't care what number she puts on it. Whether it's 50% or even 10% if you accept any blame for her choices then to her you will be accepting all of the blame.

Plan for D and find a lawyer. Protect yourself.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4007 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
7yrsflushed
Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, December 12th (Thursday)

You don't own any of her Affair. She made the choice to have affairs all by her selfish self. She has 0 coping skill other than when times get tough sleep with someone other than my husband. Don't believe this bullshit and that's exactly what it is. She is continuing to feed you this line because honestly she can. Your WW is 100% responsible for her choices. Once you are further out and past this you WILL look back and realize that you likely don't even own 50% of the pre A marital issues. you will look back on some of the excuses she gave and laugh. Give it time. For now though...

Sandman, the pain ends when you say it does. your WW is hella unremorseful brother. You see the cycle she is in and by default puts you and your family in. You are your WW's plan B. Basically you are there for stability, support, and help with the kids. Don't settle for that. You need to go see a L immediately to figure out your rights. DO NOT tell your WW you are doing this. Get some legal guidance now and let your Lawyer guide you on whether you need to move back into the house and what else you need to do.

I say none of this to be mean but to give you a perspective from someone that has been there and done that. I am Divorcing an unremorseful WW as well. I hav 2 small children. One of the main reasons I filed was that I didn't want my children growing up in a severaly messed up home. Children will model themselves after what they see us, the parents, doing. What are they seeing right now in your household? It literally is better for them to come from 2 homes then one extremely broken home. Right now they are seeing this drama replay over in over in front of them and no matter their age they KNOW what's going on. Maybe not the specifics but they pick up on all kinds of things. Go protect yoruself and your children from this extremely selfish woman. File for D and take back control of your life. Your WW has no concept of responsiblity and is blameshifting and manipulating the heck out of you. Don't accept that. I know it sucks, my STBXWW had a 3 yr long term affair with a coworker on top of an Affair that she had 1 year after we got married. So on DDay, 7 yrs of lies then I get unremoseful selfish blamsehifting spouse to deal with on top of everything else. It took me 2 years to file but filing was the best decision I made. When your spouse is truly unremorseful nothing will change them and the only thing you ever had control over was yourself. I wish you the best but go see a L asap, keep posting because it helps and if you have time check out and post in the "Betrayed Men" thread in the I can relate forum. Lots of good guys down there that have "been there and done that". I wish you the best.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 10:30 AM, December 12th (Thursday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1914 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Lovedyoumore
Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, December 12th (Thursday)

Ok, so let's say you agree to take 50% of the blame for her A. What will she do with that? What will change for your M? Is that the magic bullet that will kill her future wayward lust?

Why would she think you own 50%? Technically, if the BS is in the pie, the most you could own is 33.3% or 25% if the AP is married. See how ridiculous assigning you any part of the blame for the A sounds. And multiple A's? How does that work to be your blame?


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1532 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
1owner
Member
Member # 41157
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, December 12th (Thursday)

She is full of shit. Plan your exit. As others have already posted, her affairs are all on her.

Posts: 205 | Registered: Oct 2013
MovingUpward
Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, December 12th (Thursday)

But, she wants me to take 50% of the blame for the affairs.

You had 0% input on the choice she made, you have 0% blame for that same choice.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 52737 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
SeanFLA
Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, December 12th (Thursday)

Your kids probably know what's going on with their mother. My friend told me..."If you decide to R, you better be willing to go through the emotions twice." You've been through it FOUR times. You say you don't know what to do. Is this the fourth time that you didn't know what to do? Really?

Seems very clear that you are only staying married to her for your kids. Cause it certainly isn't for your own healthy well being. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. She doesn't want to change herself, she has no interest. You are the punching bag for her poor coping skills. Any IC will tell you that. I suggest you begin your own counseling with an IC or psychiatrist to find out why you seem to stay on the hook as her punching bag. Once you see it's primarily her issues things will become more clear and you will begin to detach from this women as you step back. The kids will see how strong their father is and actually admire you. Accepting this kind of behavior now will only damage your kids when they grow and marry themselves. Do you want to see your children accepting blame like that in their marriages someday or would you rather them learn that nobody should take this kind of spousal abuse? Because that's what she's doing to you...abusing you...and you're letting her.

[This message edited by SeanFLA at 10:19 AM, December 12th (Thursday)]


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1470 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
wert
Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, December 12th (Thursday)

After four A's if your W is still talking about blame she has learned nothing about herself.

My W wanted me to be responsible at first as well. So did our first MC. I asked exactly at what point did I hold you down when OM was nailing you? Did I hold your head when you were giving it? I was not there and I do not accept that those choices were mind. They were not.

They were not yours either.

Sadman70 this stuff all sucks. IMO accept your M is done and move on in the best way you can. Get healthy for you. If she turns around and begs at some point be willing to listen, but for now, put yourself and your kids first and let her talk to the wall. 180 and hard and for only one reason - You.

take care....



Posts: 1432 | Registered: Jan 2012
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, December 12th (Thursday)

So what catastrophic fuck up did you perpetrate that can be laid at her feet? I think four affairs would warrant something pretty heavy duty, like building a railgun in the basement while getting ripped on cheap whiskey and nuking her dog into a puddle while laughing with villainous abandon. "Okay so I went nuts and built a WMD in the basement to vaporize your dog, but it was HALF YOUR FAULT BECAUSE YOU WERE CHEATING ON ME so I totally lost half my brain function when it comes to personal responsibility in how I dealt with painful or difficult life situations. Also I have ten minutes on the battery recharge, where's your cat?"

If you have been S for 6 months and she is still not remorseful at all you should probably hire a lawyer and look into D.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7495 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, December 12th (Thursday)

Hell NO. Dont even entertain the line of BS. she needs to own her decision to walk this path. No, no, hell no.


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1912 | Registered: Nov 2010
StillLivin
Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, December 12th (Thursday)

Whether it's 50% or even 10% if you accept any blame for her choices then to her you will be accepting all of the blame

I agree 200% with Brandon808.
It's blameshifting taken to a new level.
If I married somebody who beat me every day of our M, I still wouldn't cheat. I would leave the M.
As long as she is unwilling to accept responsibility for her actions, she will never change. Only you can stop her from doing this to you. She can't hurt you if you don't let her.
Do you know where your line in the sand is yet?
I'm sorry for your kids, but it is 1000X more damaging to live with a parent that is as damaged as your wife is and another parent that allows himself to be blamed for stuff not his fault and to be treated with so much disrespect.
This is so abusive and so broken.
I don't know what to do. We have three kids who are really suffering. I really don't want to put myself through more pain.

I think when you breathe and take some time out for yourself you will know what you need to do. And if you don't want to put yourself through so much pain, then stop. It's that simple, just stop.
I hope you get a little peace and clarity.
Sending you strength because right now it sounds like you have been pretty beaten down.!
(((hugs and strength)))


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2342 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
ascian
Member
Member # 40304
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, December 12th (Thursday)

Nope, that's 100% unreasonable of her.


Me - BH 39
Her - FWW 36
D-Day: 8/13
Working on R

Posts: 309 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, December 12th (Thursday)

Serial-cheaters like your WW are a different breed of animal. And, IMO, the BS should take on 0% of blame for ANYTHING until the WS has done a very significant amount of IC and self-discovery.
Based on my own experience and what I've seen, serial-cheaters have a way of changing, twisting, re-writing reality, so their perception doesn't even match up to the *real* version.

I've gotta run, so I'll just say that I agree with everything OKnow posted to you.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8112 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Fireflies
Member
Member # 40210
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, December 12th (Thursday)

Sadman, I agree with others that your wife is blameshifiting and refusing to accept full responibility for her choices and actions.

T/j
I've posted before about what crap I think it is that a BS owns any responsibility for a WS's A. Yet, many marriage counselors try to push this baloney on BS. I was curious as to how this nonsensical idea developed. In my reading about and conversations on the topic, the best I could come up with is that many marriage counselors attempt to apply system dynamics to marriages. The scientist in me calls bullshit on that. A marriage is not an isolated, self-regulating system. Spouses come in with their own baggage, ideas, and beliefs. Our behavior isn't just influenced by our interactions with our partners, but by our interactions with family, friends, coworkers, and our varied life experiences. How, then, can an A just be a function of marital interactions? It can't.

Anyway, it sounds to me like your WW espouses this false theory because it's a hell of a lot easier to blame you than to face her own brokeness and own her shit.


Me: BS
Him: WS
Go your way,
I'll take the long way 'round,
I'll find my own way down,
As I should.

Posts: 79 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Grr Argh
keptmyword
Member
Member # 35526
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, December 12th (Thursday)

But, she wants me to take 50% of the blame for the affairs. She is incredibly defensive about it.

I don't know what to do. We have three kids who are really suffering. I really don't want to put myself through more pain.

Sadman70,

The adultery/infidelity has NOTHING to do with YOU or your marriage. NOTHING.

She is simply USING IT AS AN EXCUSE BECAUSE IT'S THE EASIEST EXCUSE TO USE.

In my opinion, this is not even a matter of pulling the "180" on her. Read the statement you made above and be completely honest with yourself. Lets keep it simple, cut to the chase and have a singular goal in mind.

Rid yourself of this toxic shit in your life.

File for divorce and move on. Your kids don't deserve to go through this woman's neurotic bullshit.

Doing better than this backstabbing, cowardly adulterer will be a breeze. Believe it.


I Divorced Her.

Posts: 363 | Registered: May 2012
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, December 12th (Thursday)

So, to be clear, if you take 50% for the 4 affairs she has had to date, will you also have to take 50% for #s 5 and 6 and beyond? Because I guarantee you, if you accept this blame there will be more affairs.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6569 | Registered: Jan 2011
MediumRare
Member
Member # 35128
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, December 12th (Thursday)

It's simple... you need to kick 100% of her ass out the door, grab the kids and file for D.

Tell her that because she didn't clean the shower this morning, you're off to go get your dick sucked by some 24 year old... and it's her fault for not cleaning the shower.

Reverse that stupid mindset a foggy, blame-shifting WS uses to try and protect their weak and damaged lies and excuses. Put it RIGHT back on them, and mean it.

Blaming an affair on a problematic marriage is like having a small kitchen fire and someone deciding to pour gasoline on it. When the whole house explodes and burns down to the ground, it's the fault of the person dumping the gasoline on it... period. The right thing to have done was to douse with water or use a fire extinguisher.


BS (ME): 44
WS(HER): 42
9 years
OM#1- 20-something loser, stole bunch of my things after she had sex with him in our bed (no condoms, STDs)
OM#2- 24 year old, unemployed loser, lives with mom & dad
DDay 1/2012
NC 3/20/2012
SGASDay 4/1/2012

Posts: 721 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: California
Clarrissa
Member
Member # 21886
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, December 12th (Thursday)

FWS here. Hope that's okay.

I read the topic title and immediately thought WTF??? She has GOT to be kidding!! I'm sorry to see that she's not.

As others have pointed out, that is Grade A, 100% prime *bullshit.* You didn't make her choose to cheat. You didn't hold a gun to her head, you didn't threaten the kids and say "Cheat or else..." She's not only unremorseful, she's a coward. She isn't brave enough to own that choice and she's not brave enough to look inside herself to find out what's broken and *how* it's broken. What she's doing is the equivalent of blasting the radio when she hears a funny noise coming from the car engine.

Cut your losses and cut her loose. She's cheated *four times* and has zero interest in finding out why because it's easier to blame you. She'll cheat again. I'll damn near guarantee it. You've given her more chances than she deserves. Don't give her another one. Close the bakery and demolish the sucker.


BH Cee64D - 48
WW (me) - 49


All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.


Posts: 5893 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: A better place
cantgetup
Member
Member # 36146
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, December 12th (Thursday)

Honestly, some people should just be single. She is one such person.

Posts: 319 | Registered: Jul 2012
jjsr
Member
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, December 12th (Thursday)


Gently, I have to ask why you would want to R with someone who has had 4 A's? I couldn't do it.


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1649 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
kenny55
Member
Member # 23014
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, December 13th (Friday)

You have to be 50% responsible. otherwise that makes her a whore.

Posts: 474 | Registered: Feb 2009
steadfast1973
Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, December 13th (Friday)

I'd say, "i may be half responsible for problems in the marriage, but I was in the same troubled marriage, and managed not to cheat."

My WH tells me over and over that it's 100% him, and it was nothing to do with me, or even our marriage... Just his broken way of dealing with problems.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
katmandude54
New Member
Member # 35992
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, December 14th (Saturday)

Sadman, wow, I think we are MARRIED to the same woman!!
Almost exactly same situation with mine. Same exact 50% comment, same number of As, same lousy experience (except I'm still at home, so far).


If at first you don't succeed, you're probably screwed.

Posts: 39 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: FLORIDA
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, December 14th (Saturday)

It doesn't matter how many WSes say or how many times a WS says responsibility for the As is shared. Repetition doesn't make it true. Responsibility for an A rests solely with the cheater.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10430 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Topic Posts: 30