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User Topic: Collusion
KatieG
Member
Member # 41222
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, December 12th (Thursday)

So my WBF's xOW is continuing her affair with WBF's work colleague.

Married Work Colleague just called me.

He doesn't know that they had sex but that something happened. Its driving him mad. I have protected my WBF by not telling him but I told him lots of details that lead to the fact that they had sex; like me having an STD test, email sex talk. And now I'm thinking, he's going to absorb those details and work it out. Should I just tell him and forget loyalty to my WBF?

We are in R and I feel now this could be a step backwards.


DD#1 - 6th Oct 13 - TT
DD#2 - 9th Nov 13 - Full disclosure
DD#3 - 12th May 14 - FOG lifted and in R
7 week A, 2 weeks together, rest phone and email - PA and EA

Posts: 423 | Registered: Nov 2013
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, December 12th (Thursday)

This guy is married, I wouldn't give him anything.

He is a POS.

I would instead call his wife.

FTG


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3793 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
ascian
Member
Member # 40304
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, December 12th (Thursday)

My comment to the OM (a former friend) upon discovery. I think it will be useful for you.

"I will not lie for you, I do not owe you that."


Me - BH 39
Her - FWW 36
D-Day: 8/13
Working on R

Posts: 281 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, December 12th (Thursday)

Basically he's involving you in his A but leaving his BW in the dark. He cares if the slut he's screwing is the company bicycle, but doesn't care if his wife has a faithful husband.

He also believes that you care so little about fidelity that you'll involve yourself in this episode of "A very Special Jerry Springer."

How do you feel about that?


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11133 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
KatieG
Member
Member # 41222
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, December 12th (Thursday)

I feel bad.

WBF has just walked out on discovering that I have betrayed him and spoken to the other man abut WBF's personal business.

Is he right?

I said sorry but he's gone. He doesn't know if he can forgive me.

Feeling numb and like I've messed everything up.

[This message edited by KatieG at 8:59 PM, December 12th (Thursday)]


DD#1 - 6th Oct 13 - TT
DD#2 - 9th Nov 13 - Full disclosure
DD#3 - 12th May 14 - FOG lifted and in R
7 week A, 2 weeks together, rest phone and email - PA and EA

Posts: 423 | Registered: Nov 2013
KatieG
Member
Member # 41222
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, December 12th (Thursday)

He said he needs to think about whether he wants to be with me after this.


DD#1 - 6th Oct 13 - TT
DD#2 - 9th Nov 13 - Full disclosure
DD#3 - 12th May 14 - FOG lifted and in R
7 week A, 2 weeks together, rest phone and email - PA and EA

Posts: 423 | Registered: Nov 2013
KatieG
Member
Member # 41222
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, December 12th (Thursday)

I need some help here.


DD#1 - 6th Oct 13 - TT
DD#2 - 9th Nov 13 - Full disclosure
DD#3 - 12th May 14 - FOG lifted and in R
7 week A, 2 weeks together, rest phone and email - PA and EA

Posts: 423 | Registered: Nov 2013
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, December 12th (Thursday)

Oh Katie

Do you see what he is doing? He is turning this around so you have to beg HIM for forgiveness.

YOU did nothing wrong. He is the one that drove this truck into the ditch. Do not beg and plead your case to him.

He is being an asshole. period.

After my husband's A I talked to everyone. His mother, his siblings, my parents, our friends. Hell if I had had a milkman I would have told him.

You know what my husband did? He looked sad, you could tell he was hurting, but he said. IT'S OK...I DID THIS TO YOU. Whatever you need to do to make yourself feel better, do it.

He didn't try to make me feel like shit, he didn't turn things around so I was the bad guy.

He knew it was all on him.

Now my dear, is time for the 180.

Read it, do it. He does not deserve you right now.

(((hugs)))

I would not be talking to the WBF whoever he is, he is a piece of crap too...let him sort out the mess he got himself into.

Get into some IC and start seeing your WS for who he is right now. Not who he was or who you want him to be. See him for his actions in this moment.

I am sorry


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3793 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Thinkingtoomuch
Member
Member # 31765
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, December 12th (Thursday)

Hi, Katie

I wouldn't beat yourself up over this. You did the best you could in the circumstances. It's a complex situation if I understand what you posted.


Whenever I see a ws get mad at their bs for something like this, my instinct tells me it's really a ploy of ws to deflect their own blame and exaggerate the fault of the bs over something much smaller. This-your giving information- was absolutely NOTHING in comparison to what wbf did to you.

He doesn't know if he can stay with you over this?? Oh, well. And can you stay with him over what he did to you? What he did is the true "unforgiveable" item here.

You didn't mess up. He did.

IMO.


Posts: 788 | Registered: Apr 2011
KatieG
Member
Member # 41222
Default  Posted: 11:57 PM, December 12th (Thursday)

Thanks guys. I said I thought he was using it as an excuse to get out and I said, he could just say he's out, so he doesn't need an excuse.

I got a couple of hours sleep and am still relatively calm. 180 here I come.

I'm going to read it again and again.

I tried to do what I could under the circumstances. His reaction has shocked me actually.


DD#1 - 6th Oct 13 - TT
DD#2 - 9th Nov 13 - Full disclosure
DD#3 - 12th May 14 - FOG lifted and in R
7 week A, 2 weeks together, rest phone and email - PA and EA

Posts: 423 | Registered: Nov 2013
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 12:03 AM, December 13th (Friday)

Be strong, completely ignore him and his childish tantrum.

(((hugs)))

I am sorry he is being such an asshat!!


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3793 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
KatieG
Member
Member # 41222
Default  Posted: 12:04 AM, December 13th (Friday)

Yes, I need to see it as a tantrum - it was just like that actually!

I have read 180 and I am ready to do it.

Wow, never saw this one coming!


DD#1 - 6th Oct 13 - TT
DD#2 - 9th Nov 13 - Full disclosure
DD#3 - 12th May 14 - FOG lifted and in R
7 week A, 2 weeks together, rest phone and email - PA and EA

Posts: 423 | Registered: Nov 2013
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 12:11 AM, December 13th (Friday)

Unfortunately Katie, in the beginning most of us don't see anything coming

It will be one of the craziest times in your life. You will have days where you just walk around the house shaking your head like WTF...

Thats why SI is so great, most of the shit they pull has been pulled before. Hang around long enough and you see the cycles. It's kinda creepy how similar cheaters are.

Different names, cities and lives....same old bullshit.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3793 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
KatieG
Member
Member # 41222
Default  Posted: 12:14 AM, December 13th (Friday)

I have to get the 180 in my head. I'm not close to crying or feeling too bad, but I have to focus on that and it will help me find my strength.

Its my grandmothers funeral today so have that to deal with. I guess he won't be around!

180 and time I guess.


DD#1 - 6th Oct 13 - TT
DD#2 - 9th Nov 13 - Full disclosure
DD#3 - 12th May 14 - FOG lifted and in R
7 week A, 2 weeks together, rest phone and email - PA and EA

Posts: 423 | Registered: Nov 2013
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 12:22 AM, December 13th (Friday)

I am really sorry for your loss.

IMO he doesn't deserve to be with you at such an important time.

Do you have family you can lean on today?

(((hugs)))

Be good to yourself Katie.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3793 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
KatieG
Member
Member # 41222
Default  Posted: 12:24 AM, December 13th (Friday)

Thanks karma, she was very old. I don't have any family but I can find a friend, I will be OK today.

Just bad timing that this has all happened.

Thank you so much for your support. I needed your words. x


DD#1 - 6th Oct 13 - TT
DD#2 - 9th Nov 13 - Full disclosure
DD#3 - 12th May 14 - FOG lifted and in R
7 week A, 2 weeks together, rest phone and email - PA and EA

Posts: 423 | Registered: Nov 2013
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 12:38 AM, December 13th (Friday)

I am working and will be around most of the night. If not me, someone is usually around.

Just post when you need strength.

You will be ok.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3793 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
SummerStorm21
Member
Member # 41320
Default  Posted: 4:13 AM, December 13th (Friday)

Hi Katie,

Just wanted to let you know you're not alone.

I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you do ask a friend to be there for you.

Hugs.


BW

Posts: 112 | Registered: Nov 2013
I think I can
Member
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, December 13th (Friday)

Um, I'm pretty sure that your boyfriend cheating on you is YOUR BUSINESS, and you can talk about your business with whoever the hell you want to.


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8811 | Registered: Jan 2008
KatieG
Member
Member # 41222
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, December 13th (Friday)

I'm doing 180, and he is very angry - says I've fucked his life up. Its over, can't trust me, said he can't believe he did that.

I continued the 180.

So we'll see. What happens next?


DD#1 - 6th Oct 13 - TT
DD#2 - 9th Nov 13 - Full disclosure
DD#3 - 12th May 14 - FOG lifted and in R
7 week A, 2 weeks together, rest phone and email - PA and EA

Posts: 423 | Registered: Nov 2013
StrongerOne
Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, December 13th (Friday)

SEriously?? LOL, he can't TRUST you?

Oh, you know where you can stick that remark.

Big hugs. What a jerk -- you deserve so much better!


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 855 | Registered: Sep 2012
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, December 13th (Friday)

Continue the 180. ((((Hugs))))

I know today will be tough. Be good to yourself.

Don't answer his calls or texts. He is spewing hate you don't need to hear right now.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3793 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
KatieG
Member
Member # 41222
Default  Posted: 4:12 AM, December 14th (Saturday)

Got through yesterday, he came back in the morning, I think out of duty so I wasn't on my own. I went NC with my mother earlier this year and so I had to manage my DS going to the funeral without me and finding something to do with myself. We went out and I was 180 all the way.

It seemed to drive him nuts because we were stuck in his anger and my 180.

When we got back, I started to feel bad and tried to control it. But he could see I was wobbling and that seemed to break his anger. So he wanted me to feel bad! Once I started to feel bad he was OK. Fucked up much - or normal?

[This message edited by KatieG at 4:13 AM, December 14th (Saturday)]


DD#1 - 6th Oct 13 - TT
DD#2 - 9th Nov 13 - Full disclosure
DD#3 - 12th May 14 - FOG lifted and in R
7 week A, 2 weeks together, rest phone and email - PA and EA

Posts: 423 | Registered: Nov 2013
justjim
Member
Member # 41150
Default  Posted: 5:29 AM, December 14th (Saturday)

He is manipulating you, and seems to be enjoying it.

Turn it around on him. Realize what he is doing, and use it.


Follow your BRAIN.
Your HEART is stupid as shit.

Posts: 294 | Registered: Oct 2013
Topic Posts: 24