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Reconciliation
User Topic: Late NC Letter Sent
Thessalian
Member
Member # 40633
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, December 12th (Thursday)

Thought I'd post this, because it's different from the usual advice I see on here.

WH sent an NC letter to OW 1 day after D-Day #1. At that time, I had only heard a tiny portion of the story, and people-pleasing WH still had his head way, way, way too far up his ass. He of course sent a polite, nice, break-the-news-gently, "maybe we'll see each other later" kind of letter. At the same time, because I had only heard a tiny portion of the story and a whole lot of lies, I also wrote her an extremely forgiving, "it wasn't your fault really" NC letter. I didn't even get to read WH's letter because I hadn't found SI yet, and I didn't know how bad the situation was, and I told WH to go ahead and send her a private letter. He did, then he deleted it. He has since admitted that it was certainly not very firm and it was wishy-washy.

But over the course of the last 4 months since D-Day, I've gotten increasingly pissed off about the whole thing. OW and I run in a ton of the same circles, she lives down the street, and though we haven't run into each other yet, we're going to. It has continued to burn me up that when she does see us, she will spend the whole time thinking that WH wants to secretly talk to her, and trying to open a channel of communication or get some sign from him about what's going on and how he feels.

Basically, it's unbelievably frustrating that there was a question mark out there, and it made me uncomfortable every time I left the house, because I was afraid I would see her and she would look at me with some kind of pity, like "I'm the one your husband really wants but because of his honor, he stayed with you. So bittersweet and romantic.".

Most of the advice I've seen on SI has said not to send an NC letter too late in the process - give OW crickets. So I agonized about it for a while.

But I finally realized I needed WH to do it. He'd written a much clearer letter a month or so ago but never sent it because I wasn't sure if I wanted to do that to myself (well, the truth is I wasn't sure if I could handle the reply), so he asked me if I wanted him to and last night I finally said I did. It was a HUGE relief.

The letter was very long and extremely clear about how he feels, with a total rejection of OW and a long list of specific reasons why what they did was absolutely disgusting. He clarified that he does not miss her, was using her for sex, that they were lying to each other about pretty much everything, that they were not real friends because real friends do not ruin each other's reputations and relationships, that real friends don't have to lie about each other, that being around her was the sickest thing he's ever done in his life and that he will never do anything so messed up again, that their relationship was toxic and that he can't believe he willingly nuked his own principles for something so worthless, that he told me every single secret about herself that she ever told him, that he threw away everything in the house she ever touched, that I'm the only woman he's ever loved, that he confessed to our parents, and that he has blocked her email, social networks, and number and if she ever tries to contact him again, he'll ignore her and forward her attempt to me before deleting it. He told her he had his head too far up his ass to notice that she was an insecure, sad person who doesn't care who she hurts, and that he's sorry she couldn't see that a man that lies to his wife is an asshole and will never be honest with her.

I feel like a million bucks this morning. I'm not afraid of seeing her out, because I can look at her knowing that the scales have been corrected. She knows. She knows I know about all her sick secrets and insecurities. She knows his parents know. She knows his friends know. She knows he views the A with disgust and shame, and that he doesn't ever want to speak to her again.

He spent a long time putting me last. Now I'm first, and I feel great.

[This message edited by Thessalian at 10:25 PM, December 12th (Thursday)]


Me: BW, 30
Him: WH, 36

7 years of double-digit ONS, LTA, hookers - the works.

First found out: August 20, 2013
Whole truth: January 1, 2014


Posts: 164 | Registered: Sep 2013
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, December 12th (Thursday)

I'm glad that you got the resolution that you sought. We never sent a NC letter, and at 1 year out I feel like it's probably too late.


I refuse to let a wound ruin me.
**Guts over fear.**

Posts: 2075 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Thessalian
Member
Member # 40633
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, December 12th (Thursday)

I hear you. I think in some cases it wouldn't be necessary, like maybe if there was no chance of seeing OW anywhere. But I'm gonna have to look at her someday soon (in fact, I'm shocked I haven't run into her yet).

I feel like in our situation, he'd be frequently talking to OW right up until the day I found out. If he had suddenly turned around on DDay and said "I don't want to be with you" she wouldn't have believed him and would have thought (correctly at that time) that I had forced him to write it.

In our case, it wasn't actually really an NC letter - NC had been established. It was more like a - to coin a term - NR letter: "No Rationalization". A total rejection of excuses and a clear indication that the A was wrong, and that both of them were 100% responsible for being such jerks.

It wasn't for her, really. It was for me. And I loved it.

[This message edited by Thessalian at 10:29 PM, December 12th (Thursday)]


Me: BW, 30
Him: WH, 36

7 years of double-digit ONS, LTA, hookers - the works.

First found out: August 20, 2013
Whole truth: January 1, 2014


Posts: 164 | Registered: Sep 2013
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 2:26 AM, December 13th (Friday)

In our case, it wasn't actually really an NC letter - NC had been established. It was more like a - to coin a term - NR letter: "No Rationalization". A total rejection of excuses and a clear indication that the A was wrong, and that both of them were 100% responsible for being such jerks.

It wasn't for her, really. It was for me. And I loved it.

This is what I feel like I still want, even now. I know that the OM really shouldn't matter, that both partners need to maintain NC...but part of me wants him to know he lost. That she didn't 'settle' for me due to our son...that she's with me because I'm better than him in every way possible. *Sigh* Again, indifference is the goal, I know. Breaking NC opens the door for a response, I know. I just really want a little satisfaction.


I refuse to let a wound ruin me.
**Guts over fear.**

Posts: 2075 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
sinsof thefather
Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 2:35 AM, December 13th (Friday)

He spent a long time putting me last. Now I'm first, and I feel great.

Although I tend to agree with short, curt, emotionless NC letters as a rule, because of the 'gentle' nature of your husbands last letter to her and the fact that it was a 'private' letter just between the two of them - I actually like that he wrote this and sent it to her for you. I also really like the clarity of it. Not usual maybe, but in this case, I think it's perfect, and I'm glad that you got what you needed from it.


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1875 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
steadfast1973
Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 4:22 AM, December 13th (Friday)

I am glad that you feel better. But you do need to prepare yourself for a response. If there has been NC since August, then sending a NC letter now is counterproductive. She now has a lot to respond to.

You probably haven't run into her because she's avoiding you, too. You won. She doesn't want to see you two happily working things out. But, now... You've sent her a clear message that things are still not good. That the two of you are still thinking and fighting about her. That she still has a hold. You will probably see her a lot now. hopefully i am wrong. But be prepared.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2256 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
Thessalian
Member
Member # 40633
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, December 15th (Sunday)

If there has been NC since August, then sending a NC letter now is counterproductive. She now has a lot to respond to.

I don't think so. OW is unbelievably fragile and the smallest rejection sends her scurrying into the shadows, where she regroups and tries to snipe from afar. Drive her far enough away, and the arrows won't reach us. Her whole MO is plausible deniability. "What? Why is the world always against me and misreading my intentions? We were just friends! Good friends! I mean, we had sex but that wasn't a big deal." She hasn't received a real knock on the emotional nose until now, because WH was wishy-washy about the first NC letter, and I was polite. WH's new letter will send her running for quite some time.

Shortly after DDay, OW tried to text him a couple times to re-open their relationship, and he either ignored her or told her to go away. She can't handle rejection at all so she started making up reasons why it wasn't really rejection. She thinks WH pushed her away out of honor and duty to me, despite loving her. Her attitude since DDay has been, "Fine, I'll stop contacting you directly to preserve your marriage. It's so beautiful and romantic and sad that we can't be together. I know you want me, but your wife is in the way. We'll always love each other in our secret hearts." And at the same time, she has been maintaining out loud to all her (and some of my) friends, "What we did wasn't that big a deal! We were just best friends that slept together sometimes! It wasn't my fault! Thessalian is probably jealous of her husband's love for me, and that's why she won't let us talk to each other because it's the only way she can keep him." Cah-razy, especially since every time we hear through the grapevine that she's said or done something like that, it makes WH wince and feel even more disgusted with himself. He keeps being like, "Oh my god, I thought she'd at least have the grace to go away without antagonizing the person she wronged. I was too wrapped up in my own lies to notice how screwed up she is, I am so sorry I put you through this."

Oblivious to WH's disgust and self-loathing, she's been posting tons of stuff on Facebook and Instagram trying to send him secret messages for almost 4 months. I thought that would just naturally peter off in short order, but no. He was never friends with her on any social networks during the A and since DDay hasn't looked at her stuff at all, so I'm the only one who sees what she says and knows what she's trying to do. She thinks she's being cryptic because she thinks WH has kept all their affair secrets from me. She leaves her feeds open to the public (in the hopes that WH, who she is not friends with, can see what she posts), and takes pictures of the gifts he gave her, of little private symbols she thinks he hasn't told me about, and other things that are amazingly transparent. And no matter how much I block her, I still see them because our social circle is wide but very interconnected, so people comment on her stuff all the time (not knowing what she's actually referring to) and it gets passed through to me.

But she hasn't said a peep since the letter went out on Thursday. Her entire pursuing-him identity was wrapped up in the idea that he was sitting around pining for her quietly, so she made every effort to publicize the fact that she was still thinking about him. She was sending smoke signals, trying to create and maintain the momentum of the secret relationship. He busted that wide open with a huge truth-bomb.

I know, I know, it doesn't matter what OW thinks - but I need to be able to hold my head up high, considering I can't get away from her entirely, and she needs to know that he is absolutely sickened by how far he allowed himself to fall, and that he thinks of her with horror. Because our community isn't very big, I have to walk through crowds of people that know about this, constantly. I need the scales to be loudly and obviously re-balanced. And she needed one good whack on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper.

After reading that, it will be very hard for her to continue deluding herself into believing that posting those messages is the continuation of some kind of fairy tale. I'm braced for one potential angry outpouring to WH as she comes to terms with the truth of it, and I'm fine with that. I can handle it now.

WH was very careful in the letter not to say anything about how he and I are doing. He only wrote how disgusting the affair was. He basically clearly and forcibly removed himself from her "star-crossed lovers" fantasy land, and indicated that he thinks of her with nothing but regret and horror, and that he is no longer buying into the story that what they were doing wasn't a big deal.

She may eventually muster up the guts to respond, but it doesn't matter. Anything she says will be worthless in the face of WH's letter, and I'm convinced this was the right choice.

[This message edited by Thessalian at 8:05 PM, December 15th (Sunday)]


Me: BW, 30
Him: WH, 36

7 years of double-digit ONS, LTA, hookers - the works.

First found out: August 20, 2013
Whole truth: January 1, 2014


Posts: 164 | Registered: Sep 2013
AFrayedKnot
Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, December 15th (Sunday)

fWS sent a NC/NR letter 10 months after dday and 9 months after last contact. It made me happy and also made it official. It was ended with "Any contact with me(fWS) or Chicho will be taken as a threat and treated accordingly"

i am glad you found a bit of peace


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2584 | Registered: Aug 2012
Thessalian
Member
Member # 40633
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, December 15th (Sunday)

Rock on, Chicho. Thanks for the kind words and I'm very glad that worked for you, too.


Me: BW, 30
Him: WH, 36

7 years of double-digit ONS, LTA, hookers - the works.

First found out: August 20, 2013
Whole truth: January 1, 2014


Posts: 164 | Registered: Sep 2013
Morhurt
Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 11:49 PM, December 15th (Sunday)

My H sent an after the fact NC letter too. It was to an EA partner (just the beginning of a slippery slope), he had already texted her and said I wasn't comfortable with them texting each other so it needed to stop. When she responded "no problem" he irritatingly said "you're the best!" So ya, we needed to send another one when we were both ready which was a few months later. It was such a big relief for me. I hated his last words to her being "you're the best"!

I'm glad you feel better. It sounds like you guys made a good decision together. :)


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 919 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, December 16th (Monday)

"you're the best!"
I just don't understand how in anybody's mind this would be an acceptable thing to just fire back via text in our situations. I facepalmed myself.


I refuse to let a wound ruin me.
**Guts over fear.**

Posts: 2075 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Dyinghere
Member
Member # 41313
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, December 16th (Monday)

I would love it if my husband would write sonething like that.it would only open contact in our case, but I would love to have that letter. I can see how that would feel empowering.




Posts: 132 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: the inside of my head
Dyinghere
Member
Member # 41313
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, December 18th (Wednesday)

She thinks WH pushed her away out of honor and duty to me, despite loving her. Her attitude since DDay has been, "Fine, I'll stop contacting you directly to preserve your marriage. It's so beautiful and romantic and sad that we can't be together. I know you want me, but your wife is in the way. We'll always love each other in our secret hearts."

This bothers me too.

Did she respond yet?




Posts: 132 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: the inside of my head
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Shocked  Posted: 8:36 AM, December 18th (Wednesday)

she thinks WH pushed her away out of honor and duty to me, despite loving her. Her attitude since DDay has been, "Fine, I'll stop contacting you directly to preserve your marriage. It's so beautiful and romantic and sad that we can't be together. I know you want me, but your wife is in the way. We'll always love each other in our secret hearts."

Oh, the mind of a OW. I am pretty sure my H's OW feels similarly...and I have heard through OBS that it upsets her to see us together, moving on. Cognitive dissonance anyone? Guess what, OW. . . It was never about you. She was opportunity disguised as a friend for a man in a midlife crisis. Not super romantic!

That kind of letter is appealing, but I am afraid in our case that OW will have to go to her cold, lonely grave harboring her delusional thinking.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1955 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Thessalian
Member
Member # 40633
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)

Did she respond yet?

Wheeeee! So, basically, as predicted, this happened:

OW is unbelievably fragile and the smallest rejection sends her scurrying into the shadows, where she regroups and tries to snipe from afar. Drive her far enough away, and the arrows won't reach us.

(forgive me a little unhealthy vindictiveness here) She didn't send a response email, but I knew she couldn't resist sending some kind of reply into the universe. So I checked her FB page and she must have spent the entire weekend making an hour-long mix for WH (she's a DJ) and she posted it Tuesday. IT WAS THE BEST. Songs about misery, being abandoned after writhing in the "grip of sin", jealousy about MY looks (oh, tables turned, huh?), and wrapping up with a big weepy "I'm disappointed and broken" goodbye.

Welcome to reality, OW.

WH didn't listen to it, but I did. Rocked out to it at work all day - the sweet, sweet sounds of OW finally getting the message made me strangely productive. Later, tater. Now to move on with my life.

[This message edited by Thessalian at 7:46 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)]


Me: BW, 30
Him: WH, 36

7 years of double-digit ONS, LTA, hookers - the works.

First found out: August 20, 2013
Whole truth: January 1, 2014


Posts: 164 | Registered: Sep 2013
TennisTC
Member
Member # 41330
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, December 19th (Thursday)

I'm so glad the late NC turned out well and the question mark was replaced with a big exclamation point (and a FU too.). It has to feel good that when you do eventually run into her, you can smirk knowing that she knows just how your H really feels about her and the A.

I get a chuckle picturing you rocking out to her misery mix at work. And later, tater - that's hilarious!


Me: BW Him: WH (Both early 30's)
Married 11 years with a DD7
DDay: 2-24-13
R'ing

Posts: 166 | Registered: Nov 2013
Thessalian
Member
Member # 40633
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, December 19th (Thursday)

It has to feel good that when you do eventually run into her, you can smirk knowing that she knows just how your H really feels about her and the A.

Man, it really does. The thing about this...

OW is unbelievably fragile and the smallest rejection sends her scurrying into the shadows, where she regroups and tries to snipe from afar.

... was that this is how the PA turned EA. WH was, in the beginning, in it for the sex. But he's a people-pleaser of the highest order, terrified of making waves. He will (maybe now, I should put a past-tense "would", but not sure yet) do pretty much anything, tell any lie, to avoid having someone mad at him or rocking the boat. So she would inch a little farther into an EA, testing the waters, and he would let it happen, no matter how uncomfortable it made him. And she'd take that as his acceptance and agreement.

Up until a month or so ago he would say he was "stonewalling" her attempts to be romantic, but after I saw their communications I realized that as far as WH is concerned, "stonewalling" means not replying to a text message for a whole 20 minutes or changing the subject. Wow. Real harsh.

So, because she's fragile, the thing that always killed me about the EA was that all it would have taken on WH's end would have been one clear message to her at any time during the A that he was not into her romantic stuff. Any clear indication at all that he wasn't into that, even a single sentence that could have been construed as a rejection of that, would have stopped her in her tracks on the EA (though I'm sure she would have gone on banging him whenever he wanted to feel sexually powerful, she does that with half the city's attached men anyway). If he had ever, ever said, "Hey, let's not go there, ok? That's not what this is," she would have immediately scampered off that rock and not tried that again for a long while. Just once would have done the trick, but he never rocked the boat, because heaven forfend anyone raises their voice at him (how's that working out for you now, huh?).

Instead, he watered that plant, first with silence, then with outright encouragement to get ego kibbles, until romantic behavior became normal between them. The fact that just one sentence from him anytime in half a year would have made this situation about 100000 times easier for me to deal with, but no. Why piss anyone off? Everything will magically sort itself out through inaction and passivity, right?

So this letter is all the things he should have said at any point during the A.

And yes, still loving the mix.

[This message edited by Thessalian at 8:04 PM, December 19th (Thursday)]


Me: BW, 30
Him: WH, 36

7 years of double-digit ONS, LTA, hookers - the works.

First found out: August 20, 2013
Whole truth: January 1, 2014


Posts: 164 | Registered: Sep 2013
Topic Posts: 17