I didn't find SI after dday. When we finally did commit to R my husband did the right things on his own.
I still remember the first text he sent me when we started. I was working 2nd shift and it really was hard to wonder what he was doing. I refused to "check up" constantly, but I was a mess.
I got a text and it was a picture of him buying flooring for our kitchen...then another an hour later installing it. I didn't have to check up on him, he did it himself. Along with being open and transparent, calling when leaving work. Texting that he was home for lunch.
I don't know how he knew what to do, but he did. I guess my being crazy was enough for him to know he better make me feel safe.
I do think going forward you do have to tell your spouse what you need. Somethings are not universal and nobody knows what will be right for each individual.
Hand holding, nah, the WS should be the one looking to hold the BS's hand, IMO.