User Topic: is anyone else fed up with no-blame MC/IC dynamics
Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, December 13th (Friday)

okay having a really bad day so my head is muddled so hope i can say what i want to say....

you know how in MC or even IC, there's all this damm non-judgemental stuff going on. Like looking at relationship dynamics, communication, his needs/her needs. For ONCE, i'd like like one of these professionals to just Lay Blame!

I almost need it for validation. Sure, I'm not perfect, but I am a good human being, and he's not.

I wish someone else besides me who knows him would say that!!!


Me BS 49, ExWS: narcissist! Jekyll Hyde. Left in secret early July, moved states. Now homeless but getting it together. Necessary but difficult(!) transition! Sad sad sad but hopeful.

Posts: 554 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
Member # 41320
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, December 13th (Friday)

Do you belong to a church? Ours told it like it is. Helped me a lot at the beginning. Not so much anymore.


Posts: 112 | Registered: Nov 2013
Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, December 13th (Friday)

That's the thing with religion. Pretty clear on right and wrong. Psychology, not so much. It's maddening!

Because while I understand dynamics, and accept my part in them, some things are, well, just wrong.

Me BS 49, ExWS: narcissist! Jekyll Hyde. Left in secret early July, moved states. Now homeless but getting it together. Necessary but difficult(!) transition! Sad sad sad but hopeful.

Posts: 554 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
Member # 40210
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, December 13th (Friday)

I've ranted about this a few times on here I'm right there with you.

Me: BS
Him: WS
Go your way,
I'll take the long way 'round,
I'll find my own way down,
As I should.

Posts: 79 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Grr Argh
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, December 13th (Friday)

Yes my MC started telling me that I need to let go of it. That he cheated and he is sorry so to accept it and move on.. How can I move on if I am the one who told that bitch to leave my h alone. And because of legal issue when he had the opportunity to send the NC letter he didn't. Then afterwards he could not because of legal issues. He has not done one thing to make things better yet she tells me I need to decide if I want my marriage or not. Well now I can't decide until he does his work which was laid out to him.
Ugh I hate those MC

Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, December 13th (Friday)

I liked our MC/IC... I still "like" her... and she helped. I guess she was not an infidelity specialist, 'cause she kept advising me "not to ask questions for which the answers would hurt me" --- ummmm, so that would be like, ANY of them. Is there a question I could ask that wouldn't hurt? I digress...

She was very "compassionate" and "kind". That was "nice" for a while, but yes, my waffling WH needed a few 2x4s (and I couldn't get him on this site!). So I provided some tough love from Linda MacDonald -- "How to Help Your Spouse" and "Who Will You Become". That worked much more effectively.

Just started with a new MC/IC last week. My kids all go to see him next week. I am really hoping that we're finally with someone who will be a little tougher.

I'm not in Kansas anymore, Toto...

Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 721 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, December 14th (Saturday)

Our MC/IC is a Social Worker (LCSW).

Blame isn't an issue for us, but it's crystal clear that my W had to take responsibility for her actions. The few times I started to blame myself for W's A, our MC stopped me - the A was my W's responsibility.

Even now, I bet 90% of MC's confrontations are aimed at my W.

Look for a new MC - or do you really need a lawyer?

fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10440 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, December 14th (Saturday)

Interesting insight, SummerStorm21. Our MC was also a pastor and FWHs IC is as well (two different faiths). And our MC was VERY upfront that the A had to be dealt with and acknowledged before any of the other issues had a chance of being heard.

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 4966 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, December 14th (Saturday)

I was sort of in the same boat as well. I felt like our MC would have done a really, really good job as an MC in a non-infidelity situation where the problems were just one of non-communication or poor communication. She was really nice, and affirming, to both of us at a time when I really wanted her to 2 x 4 my wife. It took a while for me to kind of 'get' the idea that MC are *generally* going to be nice to both people. I definitely charged in with my thoughts and ideas all revved up by this site and expected much the same. I mean, overall I found MC to be helpful, but after we reached a certain point our MC decided that we had progressed as far as we could until my wife had some serious IC on her own.

I keep my mind on my future/and my eyes on the sky/I don't really smile much/If you were there you'd know why.

Posts: 2185 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
New Member
Member # 35992
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, December 14th (Saturday)

My IC told me that if I wanted to stay in the marriage that I needed to be Ok with what she did and tell her it was OK to go out with other guys while still married to me.
Needless to say, I'm with a different counselor now.

If at first you don't succeed, you're probably screwed.

Posts: 39 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: FLORIDA
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, December 14th (Saturday)

We've seen three different MCs. The first was a crisis intervention, 3 days post DD, saw him once. I'll never forget him saying to WH, "99% of cheaters want to 'move on' and 99% of the betrayed want to talk about the A. I'm telling you you can't move on unless you deal with the A.". (I'm sure he didn't use those words, but that was the gist of it.). the next one we saw was great, and really raked WH over the coals re empathy and his selfishness. The one we're seeing now pretty much tells WH that he did a terrible thing and we need to figure out how to go from there. It's kind of a given that WH did a shitty thing -- which, at this stage, WH totally admits. And these are all secular types...

BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1061 | Registered: Aug 2012
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, December 14th (Saturday)

Double post.

[This message edited by Blobette at 8:40 PM, December 14th (Saturday)]

BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1061 | Registered: Aug 2012
Member # 23328
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, December 14th (Saturday)

Can't address the MC issue, but remember, an IC is a health professional, and she has a patient.

Her job is to help that patient. Diagnosis him if necessary, but not to save the marriage, find justice, cure your relationship problems... Only to make the patient "better", for some definition of better. And not perfect, just better.

I suppose, for an MC, it's the marriage that is the patient, and some of them think that means everyone has to compromise, even if the compromise (like rugsweeping) is unhealthy.

If you find one of those, run. You're just postponing the inevitable, and making it worse in the long run. You don't fix a marriage by patching over it. You have to mend the broken parts first.

But what do I know? I never got the chance to R. I do read a lot on SI though...

Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

Posts: 5182 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
Member # 40720
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, December 14th (Saturday)

I had one of those Agony. They just focus on communication. How to make the other person feel OK with what you say and how you say it. It's their bubble of expertise. IMHO they do not deal with trauma. Find one who does.

ME: BS mid 40's
Him: WH mid 40's
DDay 5/13 5 year LTA, ONS
together 25 yrs
1 kiddo

Posts: 297 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: mountain west
Member # 40209
What?  Posted: 10:17 PM, December 14th (Saturday)

I am tired of it too. We worked on communications skills to death. Too bad I was the only one trying to communicate. In order for communication to work you both have to talk. I quit MC because we NEVER talked about the affair unless I got fed up and started the conversation about it. H still goes if he feels like it. I guess they just stare at each other for 50 minutes Maybe he is trying to convince the counselor that he is a good guy, who cares. It was a waste of time for me. Maybe I will try later with a different counselor.

Posts: 67 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: CA
Member # 27352
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, December 15th (Sunday)

I'm so tired of the "let's be gentle with SAWH" approach as well. Wondered if all IC/MC are like that. Read "When He Says I Don't Love You Anymore" by David Clarke. Now that's a MC I'd like to see. Read his web page. Too bad we're in PA and he's in Florida.

BW 44, SAWH 45(sorry1)
M24 yrs
DD 23,16,13 DS 21, 19
Dday1-7/3/09 EA OW4
Dday2-9/1/09 PA OW4
Dday3 3/14/10 Farmville sexting, OW3
Dday4 3/13/11 Secret texting, would be OW5-she said no
Dday5 8/2/11 PA 10 years ago OW1, kissing 4 years ago OW2

Posts: 1123 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Pennsylvania
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

We see a Christian counselor. He was very upfront with my husband that he had to do the work, that the affair was on him, that he needed to change, that we needed to deal with the affair, and that all of that had to occur
BEFORE we addressed problems in the marriage.

Me (BW) (55), Him(SAWH) (58)
Married 22 years, 1 son (19), 1 stepdaughter (27)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1501 | Registered: Nov 2010
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, January 22nd (Wednesday)

I went to MC with my DDís dad, and he refused to even admit that he cheated. After multiple full sessions (that we paid for) where I presented evidence over and over again and he just sat there like an idiot denying, our MC looked at me and said, ďLook, does it really matter if he cheated or not? At the end of the day, whether or not he admits to cheating, you need to accept what happened in your relationship and decide if what he did is forgivable or not.Ē

I was so mad. I looked at her and said, ďAre the two of you listening to yourselves? I donít know why I would spend one more minute in here listening to this. If he canít tell me what all he did, I canít forgive him. First of all, I need to know exactly WHAT I am forgiving, and second of all, I canít forgive someone who is not changing his behavior. If he is continuing to lie, sneak around, cover his tracks, and deny, that tells me that he is not sorry, not remorseful, and not willing to improve his behavior and respect me.

After that, and some other things that happened in that MC session, I walked out and refused to go back. Never, ever have I participated in such a waste of time and money. Even with current H now- I say I want to go to MC, but we never go. He doesn't want to go, but deep down, I have a lot of hesitations and anxiety about ever doing that again.

Sometimes, I wish the MC would stand on a chair and point to the WS and yell, "THIS IS YOUR FAULT! YOU'RE AN IDIOT!"

I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."

Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
Topic Posts: 18