Topic: I hate it when you peeps are right
Member # 20849
| Posted: 8:31 AM, December 14th (Saturday)|
So yeah. I just posted on another thread and it made me realize I am still broken. There is something in me that still needs to be the helper and the healer (even though I am getting sick of that role) or something in me that makes me ignore the flags for some reason. Because even though I felt that I was growing, and I have done so damn much self-work, I still picked someone that had issues (or at least, more issues than I have.)
I DO know that I deserve someone healthy who can be a partner to me. I guess I deluded myself that since he was in counseling and working on self growth, that he was well along the road to healing his issues, but then BAM....along came the EA. And this one is such an improvement. He isn't abusive. He doesn't name-call. He has a healthy way of discussing disagreements. He allowed me to cry with him and be open with him. And he made me a priority (until he started down that slippery slope a couple weeks ago).
I know I have made SOME progress because I no longer see bad boys as attractive and that was a life-long thing for me. I now see stable, family-oriented men as very appealing. That is HUGE for me. I also have gotten over my disgust for guys that are emotional. I now prefer a guy that can be emotionally intimate and even cry if he needs to. That is also HUGE. So I know there is SOME progress here. But I do truly want a partner. I want someone that can face life together with me and stand by my side.
I think the biggest change in me that has happened over the past year or so is that I no longer think I want to be the lone ranger and spend the rest of my life alone, exploring and saving the world and having multiple long term relationships for as long as they last. I truly want to settle down. I want a family atmosphere. I want peace in my life. I want stability. I want a nice, comfortable home with a stable, loving partner. That also is a HUGE realization for me. I may have actually been burying that all along because I didn't think it was a possibility for me, because my family had been so fragmented. Because when I came to that realization, I cried and cried, because it rang true.
Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.
Posts: 15241 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Member # 29779
| Posted: 8:59 AM, December 14th (Saturday)|
Broken. Such a harsh term. I had a friend who denied steadfastly that she was not broken, but she was. I think we all are, in that, we are not perfect. We have issues. They don't go away. We manage them. Like me, I'm a hopeless nicotine addict. I will never be able to not want it or have it without falling back into addiction. Am I broken? By your definition.
But yeah, infidelity has affected us and we will never truly and completely heal in that we won't erase that experience/those experiences.
You know the drill. Forgive yourself, love yourself and go easy on yourself. I think the work you've done will lead to faster gains and a quicker return to a better steady state. That's a win if you asked me!!! A HUGE win.
A HUGER win is the realization that you want someone. I wrestle every day with the 'what I want' questions and really don't have a great idea. You have just filled in a very large blank for yourself. Good for you!
me - 41 BH
Posts: 425 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: VA
Member # 20150
| Posted: 9:16 AM, December 14th (Saturday)|
DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire
Posts: 17411 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Member # 41060
| Posted: 9:37 AM, December 14th (Saturday)|
At some point in our lives we will all have a season of being alone. Even if u have the perfect marriage for decades one day one of u will die and the other will be alone. Alone is not a swear word. It can be sooo wonderful. Learn to embrace it so u can find some peace. Sometimes the drama that relationships can bring can be a distraction from the real work we need to do.
((((NA)))).... btw are u a Libra?? I"m a Libran and u sound a lot like me
Posts: 120 | Registered: Oct 2013
Member # 33226
| Posted: 9:58 AM, December 14th (Saturday)|
Because even though I felt that I was growing, and I have done so damn much self-work, I still picked someone that had issues (or at least, more issues than I have.) You didn't just FEEL like you were growing - you GREW! Don't discount the progress you've made over the years, honey. Journey may not be over, but you are much much further down the road than you were when you started.
You can call me NIK
"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
Posts: 25507 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 30591
| Posted: 10:52 AM, December 14th (Saturday)|
This is the way I see your point.
You are a beautiful Rose (flower) that closed its petals to protect yourself from a storm.
You will endure wind, rain, snow, ice....
when the storm passes you will blossom again stronger and more beautiful with more petals yet.
If you are willing to open to nature and see its beauty, you will be stronger and beautiful as nature intent it for you.
You are not broken, just work in progress. we all are. love and compassion for yourself is the medicine for it.
My two cents
Pain and suffering is part of life, but I choose to feel love and compassion for all people excluding no one.
Posts: 96 | Registered: Jan 2011
Member # 28622
| Posted: 12:04 PM, December 14th (Saturday)|
I want a nice, comfortable home with a stable, loving partner. That also is a HUGE realization for me. I may have actually been burying that all along because I didn't think it was a possibility for me, because my family had been so fragmented. Because when I came to that realization, I cried and cried, because it rang true.
I love it when a truth finds us and nestles in for a long long stay. I want this for you too!! I am so proud of you for unburying this and for having the cathartic cry!!!!!
You didn't just FEEL like you were growing - you GREW!
something about this ^ evoked the Grinch for me.... must be the time of year. But that Grinch had a pretty solid realization and ended up embraced by the Who family... Not at all a bad fellow after all!!! NA, your heart is already huge. You are a caring wonderful giver. Whatever growing you are doing will be in the way you love and allow yourself to feel worthy.
Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
Posts: 5841 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Member # 38405
| Posted: 8:08 PM, December 14th (Saturday)|
You just saved yourself from more heart break with this realization. No where to go but up *hugs*
Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!
Posts: 638 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
Member # 19258
| Posted: 6:13 AM, December 15th (Sunday)|
(( NA ))
as you know I've got nothing to offer for advice these days but I'm out here cheering for you
But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned
“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler
Posts: 8451 | Registered: Apr 2008
Member # 19946
| Posted: 9:22 PM, December 15th (Sunday)|
No advice here either. Just listening and sending hugs. You gave love a try and that's a good thing. Your aim will get closer and closer to the target.
BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.
Posts: 5833 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
|Topic Posts: 10|| |