SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
New Beginnings
User Topic: Just u and ur thoughts
confused52204
Member
Member # 16913
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, December 14th (Saturday)

What do u do when it's just u with ur own thoughts. I'm now regretting my decision of separation . He didn't want it I did. It's a long crazy story. Not married he was ok craigslist for 2 years posting for men and women I found out when it was over. He did take a poly. The problem is me I can't c him as this man. I have a ton of support but it's still just me. I have to carry on and do everything for myself . I'm sad lost and confused. This is not the new beginning I thought it was going to b. Granted is been 2 weeks since we separated. I'm a hott mess!!

Posts: 526 | Registered: Nov 2007
movingforward13
Member
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, December 14th (Saturday)

Those thoughts will be with you, until you adjust to your new normal. It is OK. Move forward, not backward. He cheated, not you... You are doing the right thing for yourself.


Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 636 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
Bluebird26
Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, December 14th (Saturday)

Time unfortunately is a healer. Keep moving forward. You deserve better then to be cheated on. You are worth more than that!

It's normal to feel scared, this is all new and not what you envisaged as your life. But in time you will be able to grieve this loss and start a new.

Be gentle on yourself. Take it one day at a time, even an hour at a time. Try and keep busy and go NC with him, it will help you heal.


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1284 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
Pass
Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, December 14th (Saturday)

Your thoughts are often your biggest enemy. You may want to consider reading Cognitive Behavior Therapy for Dummies. It helps you look at your discouraging/destructive thought processes, and eventually replace them with positive thoughts.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after married 17 years, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1683 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
confused52204
Member
Member # 16913
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, December 15th (Sunday)

Thx all! Yesterday was tough. I cried a lot. Thought...how did I lose this terrific man. He took a poly for me and passed. Proving no physical contact or intent for physical contact. Yes he posted on CL for 2 of our 3 yr relationship. He claims it was due to depression and self defleating thinking. We spoke yesterday it was so good to hear his voice. I'm so confused!!

Posts: 526 | Registered: Nov 2007
Pass
Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, December 15th (Sunday)

Confused, I have depression, and have NEVER done anything that could be interpreted as infidelity at any level. He didn't post on CL because of depression. He's using that as an excuse.

MAYBE his self esteem was so battered that he wanted some titillation, and to see that he could still have the opportunity to screw around. I guess we all have to decide where that line of infidelity lies in our marriage, but in my mind, that's cheating.

And really, if his boundaries were able to stretch enough to allow that, he was probably already on the slippery slope that would lead to screwing around. You should NOT feel badly about assuming this to be the case!


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after married 17 years, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1683 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
wontdefineme
Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, December 15th (Sunday)

Why are you willing to put up with deviant behavior so you wont be alone?

My story. Got married and within months he said the nastiest thing in front of one of his friends. The look on the friends face mirrored what I felt. Bad tempers, spending of money irresponsibly, bad choices. Then kids were added into the equation. He never changed, I always made excuses because I was scared to raise my babies with his financial
Support and being by myself. I would tell myself that he was a good provider and faithful. He cheated, was a liar, npd and spent all the money. I ended by myself anyway. I am at peace now and do not need his unhealthy excuse for love.

I felt the same way as you did because having that familiar person to love you is better than not having anyone. Stop putting yourself in a position of having defective over having a healthy you. Chose you.


Posts: 2126 | Registered: Mar 2011
confused52204
Member
Member # 16913
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, December 15th (Sunday)

I do chose me. It's just really hard he was "perfect" to me in so many ways. He tryeky swept me and my DD off our feet. It is hard to realize this happened. How he let it happen. He denyies all of it. Said it helped him through his depression of thinking I was going to leave him and that he thought he wasn't worth it to have good things in life. He was so good to me. We talked last night and just brought everything back. I miss him so bad !!

Posts: 526 | Registered: Nov 2007
Topic Posts: 8