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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: I don't know what to make of this
pregnantandsad
Member
Member # 40141
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, December 16th (Monday)

WH up and left me one day 5 months ago. I was pregnant and we have a DD4. He never showed any remorse, regret, etc. He seemingly left and never looked back. He sees DD4 on his days off, he hardly even looks at me when he picks her up and drops her off. I have never seen any sadness or regret on his face. He only contacts me when it's about money. On Saturday afternoon I got this email from him and I don't know what to make of it:

______
So. This is very hard for me because I'm pretty sure you hate me... I miss you. I miss my little girl. And I miss my family. I want to know my new little girl. And I know now how horribly wrong I was. I know you will never take me back. And I know how horribly bad I've hurt you. I never wanted this but I made one bad choice after the other. I was a stuborn hurt bastard. And I was angry. And I was selfish. These are the things I've wanted to tell you since the day we were moving every thing out of our house. But knowing how much your family hates me I knew things would never be the same so I thought it was a lost cause. I thought we could never ever get back to normal again. And all of it was my fault. I'm so very sorry more than I know you would ever believe. You have every right to hate me. I'm not telling you this because I want to hurt you or cause more problems. I just needed to tell you because I was too stupid to do so before. I know nothing will come of it. I just want you to be happy. You deserve to be happy. I won't send you anymore message s like this I promise this wil be the only and last. I just needed you to know.
________

I couldn't even read it when I first opened it. I just saw bits and pieces and cried. I was always afraid he would wake up but it would be too late, and now it is. I keep going back and forth between sad and angry. Why now? Why not months ago? Why not before I gave birth alone? Why not before he moved in with OW? And I am angry there is not even any mention of OW. That of course is the biggest issue for me and he didn't even acknowledge it. I am at a loss, I don't know what to think of all this. I have not responded to him and don't think I will.

[This message edited by pregnantandsad at 12:09 PM, December 16th (Monday)]


M 7 years, together for 12
2 kids- DD4 and a newborn
D-Day 7/2013 he didn't want R and moved in with OW
Filing for D

Posts: 155 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
WeepingBuddhist
Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, December 16th (Monday)

Crickets. that sorry ass bastard gets crickets.

It could be he is extraordinarily cruel. It could the OW. It could be he is wanting ego kibbles. FTG. Crickets.

[This message edited by WeepingBuddhist at 12:12 PM, December 16th (Monday)]


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 566 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
isthis4real
Member
Member # 29698
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, December 16th (Monday)

I'm inclined to believe things are not going so well with his whore and wants you to be his soft landing.


Me BW 30
WH 37
Married 4 years
DD 3
(2) DSS 15 & 18

D-day 9/3/10
Kicked him out 9/26/10 for fence sitting
WH served with divorce papers 10/4/10 at his place of employment

No chance of R.
Rebuilding and looking forward to a brig


Posts: 116 | Registered: Sep 2010
StillLivin
Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, December 16th (Monday)

I agree. Soft landing. Maybe he is sorry, but it is sorry for himself, and sorry he is ashamed.
Honestly, crickets is best.
I know me, if I got this. Crickets would be mute. I'd probably make him feel worse.
XH, I don't hate you. I don't even care about you anymore.
Best of luck.
StillLivin.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2263 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
ruby44
Member
Member # 41135
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, December 16th (Monday)

I don't think you should respond either.
First, he did not ask you for a response.
Did not ask if he could come back.
Did not tell you the A was over.
Did not tell you what he is doing to change his behavior.
Did not ask you for R.
He is doing the "oh my now I am sad, but since everybody hates me for what I did, their is no going back, I cant fix this."

I have a BIL (my WH's brother) who cheated on his 2nd wife (probably the first too but I digress) well she told everyone on both sides. The OW was his sister's best friend ( I wont call her my SIL, you need to earn that title). It was ugly to say the least. But he realized he had made a mistake, and he went to her family and apologized for hurting her. Promised to work hard to be the man she deserves and you know what. They forgave him and support their efforts toward R. They are still working hard on their marriage but he took the first step back.
What your WH did was "nothing" except self pity. I think something went wrong with OW and he was sad. End of story.
((Pregnantandsad))
I wish you strength.


Me BW 52, Him WH 48
Married 13 years,
2 DDs (12 and 10)
D-Day Confirmed 10/24/13 suspected before that but did not want to believe it.
WH filed for D 11/12/13
2/8/14 WH asked if he could come home.
Lies!

Posts: 277 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Midwest
lisaloo
Member
Member # 20082
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, December 16th (Monday)

I agree-he's wanting you to be a soft landing. IMO, this is one of those 'test the waters' emails, just to see if perhaps you are still an option, should he need you to be one. Don't let him have anything other than crickets.


Me: 33 STBXH: 34 DD: 8
D Day (EA): 6-19-08
D Day #2 (SA): 7-5-10
D Day #3 (EA): 11-8-13
WH moved out: 11-18-13
Moved BACK IN (because the lawyer told him to): 11/29/13.
Filed for Divorce: 12-9-13
In house separation...fun, fun, fun.

Posts: 474 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: AL
suckstobeme
Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, December 16th (Monday)

Wow. I'm so sorry he did this. I know we all think we want to see those words come from them, but I can only imagine it would be pure torture once it really happens.

I find it so cruel and so self centered. He wanted you out of his life and that's what he got. So, now because things aren't so great in his world, he believes he can just open that door a crack and see if he can worm back through. All of this while you are taking care of two very small children? Only an exceedingly selfish person would do that after knowing full well the hurt he's already caused. Live with the choices and let the BS be to heal.

I know it's hard to acknowledge, but I would find it hard not to cry or feel very hurt by this. The best is what everyone else said - to give him the same crickets he gave you when you were begging for him to see and hear you.

I'm sorry.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2810 | Registered: Jan 2011
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, December 16th (Monday)

It reads to me like someone trying to assuage their own guilt. It's how he feels about himself, not about his actions, his choices, or the impact it had on you and your kids. "I miss this, I miss that, everyone hates me..." The entire message is about him regretting (NOT feeling remorse - big difference) how much HE'S suffering from his own choices. Um, gee. Tough shit.

There's nothing there that warrants a response. ((((pregnantandsad)))) I'm sorry you are hurting.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25507 | Registered: Aug 2011
NewMom0220
Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, December 16th (Monday)

This made me cry. I cry because I've lived your same exact experience…and also because I so desperately wanted to hear or read these words from my STBX but I never got them.

Stay strong. There are a lot of people on here who have more experience with this and will give better advice than I could.

Sending you prayers for strength.

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 12:56 PM, December 16th (Monday)]


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 374 | Registered: Apr 2013
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, December 16th (Monday)

*I, I, I, I,......*

that's all I saw in that email


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8452 | Registered: Apr 2008
Pass
Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, December 16th (Monday)

He's throwing a bunch of words at you, but no actions. I'm sure this email hurts like hell, and has you second-guessing yourself, but he isn't even making any offers of what he will do to make the situation better.

Everyone else is offering good advice to not even respond at all. However, I would just like to venture that it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if you sent back a short response. Maybe something along these lines:

Fuck you and your sorries.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1986 | Registered: Jan 2013
7yrsflushed
Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, December 16th (Monday)

CRICKETS!

I counted at least 29 I's in that email. Guilt if that is truly what he feels is not the same as remorse. He showed you exactly who he was when he walked out. He looked you in the face when he walked out but he cant' do the same in his supposed apology which really isn't even an apology. As others have stated he is likely setting you up as plan B. IMO don't respond and keep moving forward with your life. I know how hard that is but move forward with protecting yourself. Don't open the door to let him back in, NC equal no new hurts.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 2:36 PM, December 16th (Monday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1905 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Lola7
Member
Member # 41195
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, December 16th (Monday)

Forward it to the OW. lol


caelitus mihi vires
"My strength is from heaven"
DIVORCED!

Posts: 211 | Registered: Nov 2013
damncutekitty
Member
Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, December 16th (Monday)

He is trying to make himself feel good at the expense of your feelings. It's just more selfishness. Don't answer him!


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49480 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
LearningToRun
Member
Member # 31353
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, December 16th (Monday)

I agree with Hexed - All i saw was the number of times he used "I" and "me"

its still all about him.

I'd say this is what regret looks like, but NOT remorse.


Also, there is a lot of subtle blameshifting in it.
"...But i was angry" "..but your family hates me"
Poor little muffin


crickets, my dear. And hugs for you.

[This message edited by LearningToRun at 1:43 PM, December 16th (Monday)]


Posts: 268 | Registered: Feb 2011
pregnantandsad
Member
Member # 40141
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, December 16th (Monday)

Thanks everyone. I agree so much with everything all of you have said. I noticed all the "I's" and the fact that there was not even a real apology anywhere in there. It wasn't hard for him to walk away, it wasn't hard for him to shatter his daughter, but it was hard for him to write a half-assed email?

And I agree with everyone saying he wasn't even willing to do anything. Just like he needed to admit he may have been wrong so he could feel less guilty or something. I wish his family meant enough to him that he didn't care what had to be done to save it- he would try it all. But, he is not that person and I need to keep moving forward.

My gut was crickets, thank you all for confirming that is the right choice.


M 7 years, together for 12
2 kids- DD4 and a newborn
D-Day 7/2013 he didn't want R and moved in with OW
Filing for D

Posts: 155 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
Undefinabl3
Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, December 16th (Monday)

I don't know what to make of this

OW dumped me so now i need my back up plan....TAG YOUR IT!


Ok, so jabs aside - here's the situation.

1. She's either left him and he's not really wanting to come back for you, but he doesn't want to be alone.

2. He's actually starting to come out of the fog, but he's still got his head up his ass and its still all about him. Here's the thing - the email will be nothing but I's because if he is just coming out of the fog, then he's not going to know how to plug into your needs yet (from fWS here, its the action that matters....we will get it wrong, but as long as we are actually trying, striving, working on it - not dicking you around....)

So - what do you want to do?

Do you want to give him another chance? In that case then you need to get your ducks in a row and actually tell him what he will need to do in order to even has a hells bells of a chance. IC, MC (he starts it), Transparency, full timeline, ect - has to be established.

Or

do you want to let it go fully and finally.

This is your fence, you get to choose a side first - it will then be up to him if you stay on that side or not.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1751 | Registered: Sep 2012
Take2
Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, December 16th (Monday)

What everyone else said: "soft landing".. "Regret - not remorse"... "something went wrong in lala land"... Or perhaps he wants something, or has realized how much D will impact his pocketbook, and he is trying to butter you up.

Whatever his motivation - that email if a far cry from crawling on his knees through busted glass begging forgiveness. It is totally focused on how he feels. And talk is cheap! Can you imagine doing a tenth of the kind of damage he has done and thinking that an email like that would have any impact on making things better...? Really, really lame!

Crickets! Cry it out as much as you need. Then when you are ready, keep moving forward.

((pregnantandsad))


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4113 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
Gemini71
Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, December 16th (Monday)

When my STBXH told me how 'sorry' he was for cheating on me, I had one response.

"Some things sorry doesn't fix."

You are waaay past that point now. So sorry you have to deal with his half-assed apologies. You deserve so much more.

((hugs))


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1796 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
lifestoshort
Member
Member # 18442
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, December 16th (Monday)

Id write back with one word
"cool."


meaning, i dont give a shit cause this is probably a bunch of lies cause his world is falling apart


6/07 EX had several Emotional/sexual A
FALSE Reconciles. cheats again. D 5/09
2013- 10 month marriage &D to friend. he was a lyin, freeloadn biploar mess.
NOW? Living my life and loving it.


Posts: 691 | Registered: Mar 2008
Mousse242
Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, December 16th (Monday)

I like the "cool" response or forwarding it to the OW. But if not, definitely crickets. It's all about him.

Posts: 5473 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
BrighterFuture
Member
Member # 38914
Default  Posted: 12:33 AM, December 17th (Tuesday)

Hi pregnantandsad! We walked through infidelity and delivery of our beautiful daughters alone without their help. I too got an half assed apology when my daughter was born but it was too late. It was regret full of I's and not true remorse. Stay strong. Don't be used as a soft landing. Giving birth alone is so painful...don't forget easily the hurt he put you through.

Hugs PregnantandSad

[This message edited by BrighterFuture at 12:36 AM, December 17th (Tuesday)]


Me:30
Him:31
D-day:2/24/13 (I was 10 weeks pregnant at the time and DS was 15 months)
Status: Parted ways!

"If only I can fight just a little longer, I know it's gonna make me stronger" Jamie Grace-Holding on.


Posts: 348 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Ohio
pregnantandsad
Member
Member # 40141
Default  Posted: 1:01 AM, December 17th (Tuesday)

Thanks Brighter! Every time I start to think about him I remind myself of giving birth alone. I held out hope for so long that he would snap out of it, but I knew if I gave birth alone there was no turning back for me. It was hard, but I was so proud of myself for getting through it. I knew the minute she was born I was going to get through all of this and we didn't need him. There have been a ton of up and downs between then and now, but I always remind myself of that moment of clarity in the hospital where I knew it would all be ok in the end. Like everyone has pointed out, it was so easy for him to ignore me when I was begging a pleading, so now he will get the same silence he gave me for all these months.


M 7 years, together for 12
2 kids- DD4 and a newborn
D-Day 7/2013 he didn't want R and moved in with OW
Filing for D

Posts: 155 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
BrighterFuture
Member
Member # 38914
Default  Posted: 2:37 AM, December 17th (Tuesday)

I can relate. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. With no family in the US, I was surrounded by a friend I'd just met this summer and students. I was happy for the safe delivery of my child, but hurtbroken for my little girl as well. Our daughters didn't deserve absentee fathers. We made it through! It was the point of no return for me as well.

[This message edited by BrighterFuture at 9:11 AM, December 17th (Tuesday)]


Me:30
Him:31
D-day:2/24/13 (I was 10 weeks pregnant at the time and DS was 15 months)
Status: Parted ways!

"If only I can fight just a little longer, I know it's gonna make me stronger" Jamie Grace-Holding on.


Posts: 348 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Ohio
cantaccept
Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 3:32 AM, December 17th (Tuesday)

I just wanted to emphasize to you the truth of what everyone else is saying. You seem to see clearly and that is really so hard for you and shows how strong you really are.

I was the soft landing.

He left on dday, cold, and angry. He left for ow for 2 months, it wasn't enough time for me to even begin to recover and be strong.

I let him move back without the necessary effort. The signs were there of the lack of commitment but I just couldn't see it at the time.

It has been a year of staying stuck in the pain. Trying to R with a wayward that shows no remorse, compassion and effort for change is torturous, mind twisting.

Now, 14 months after dday, a year almost to the day of when he broke off with ow, we are divorcing.

He was really never in. He finally admits that this is too hard and he "can't" do what I need. He found an apartment and is moving out Dec. 26th.

He has shown me who he is and finally I believe him. I am to the point that I am okay with this, sad but okay. I guess I needed to go through this to be absolutely 100% sure that what I thought I saw was real. It has been a year of learning who I really am and reflecting on how little I accepted for my life.

I am grieving, not for him, but for who I thought he was. I am sad over my bad choices for my life. I am afraid of the unknown, I am 54 and starting my life, it almost feels like for the first time, I have never had such clarity.

Another poster once said, "when the pain of same exceeds the pain of same", that has been my mantra. My life will never be the same, the pain is too great to ever live like that again. The one thing that keeps me moving forward, no matter what happens in my life in the future, it can only be better than what has come before.

Please be careful. It is so easy when you are hurting so badly to slip into an unhealthy decision. It feels like you will do anything to relieve the pain. His coming back relieved my pain but it was only temporary, very temporary. His lack of emotion and effort in a very short time just increased all the pain, the feelings of being "not enough". It was such a hard struggle to get to the strength within me while being so distracted by trying to R. It was damaging to me. I would not wish this last year on anyone. To have to live through the betrayal and then not only heal yourself, but try to forgive and love someone that does not value you and is not willing to go above and beyond to soothe your soul is crushing.

If you even consider allowing him back, make him prove himself first. Not with the easy things either, the gestures are easy, the emotional commitment is what really matters, the compassion when you are at your worst. Don't hold back let everything out and watch how he reacts. Is he being proactive in changing himself, reading, therapy and talking about the changes, the new found self awareness. Learn and speak about what you need from him and watch him. Just be very careful and don't make the decision to "try" too quickly. Love yourself first.

Just felt the need to warn you, we are all so vulnerable right now. It is so hard to let go of our beliefs of what we thought we had.

It sounds as if you are doing really well and taking care of yourself. I wish you all the strength and peace to heal yourself, protect yourself and your babies.

Can


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1361 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, December 17th (Tuesday)

I don't think he has "woken up". I think he's feeling sorry for himself because unicorn fartland isn't as wonderful as he thought. His email seems more about HIM than anything.

He sure knows the right things to say though. Maybe he googled them? Because I received a similar email from my XWH.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3364 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Iamacrab
Member
Member # 40410
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, December 17th (Tuesday)

I had the same experience as cantaccept.
Literally, except my false R lasted for 7 mo.
Now he says he just cannot to pretend to be (insert whatever word here) with me, we don't work in a marriage. We should be D soon.

Crickets, for your and your babies own protection.


Posts: 103 | Registered: Aug 2013
Exit Wounds
Member
Member # 32811
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, December 20th (Friday)

I'm inclined to believe things are not going so well with his whore and wants you to be his soft landing.

Copy that!

Also, and this is the one that kept me from allowing my husband back into our lives...

If he did it to me and the kids once, he will do it again. -That thought gave me the motivation and the drive to make it through some of the toughest times in my life alone...

Stay strong, we are here for you.

[This message edited by Exit Wounds at 3:24 PM, December 20th (Friday)]


Posts: 2486 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: With my dad...and my dog...
pregnantandsad
Member
Member # 40141
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, December 20th (Friday)

Thanks again everyone for all the responses. Since getting his email, my emotions have been all over the place. I know it's all about him- I just couldn't understand what motivated him to send it to me. Problems with ow? Was he just feeling guilty and writing that lessened some of the guilt? Is he wishing he had us back? And then of course I wonder, what if he truly regrets it and wants to fix things? Could I ever possibly get over all the damage he caused? And, would he ever be able to put in all the work that would be required to even try and fix the damage? Ugh, sometimes I wish I could just shut off my brain for a few hours!

So yesterday was our DD's preschool Christmas performance. It was my first time seeing him since getting his letter, and I was nervous of how I would feel. He showed up late and comes up to me and asks if I want to move my seat so I can sit and watch with him? No thanks. I look over at him a couple times during the show and I remember what a miserable person he is. The show is unbelievably adorable and every person in the place is smiling and laughing. He is just sitting there like he would rather be anywhere else but there. This is how he always has been, just a sad sack. And seeing this again finally sealed it for me. I don't want that person in my life. I am tired of his misery. I am a happy person who loves to laugh and smile. He took that from me for so long and now I am free.

I don't care what caused him to write that email. In the end, it doesn't change a thing. My girls and I deserve so much better and I just want to keep moving forward. I am feeling very free today, and it's a good feeling!


M 7 years, together for 12
2 kids- DD4 and a newborn
D-Day 7/2013 he didn't want R and moved in with OW
Filing for D

Posts: 155 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
ItHappened2Me2
Member
Member # 32503
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, December 20th (Friday)

My girls and I deserve so much better and I just want to keep moving forward. I am feeling very free today, and it's a good feeling!

Yes - you do deserve much better!


BS - me (52); WS - him (52)
DD 15yo, DS 11 yo
Married 25 years (together 27+/-)
DDay #1 - March 18, 2011
DD #2 (after 3 + month TT and false R -- the affair had gone underground) - June 28,2011
DD3: June 19, 2013 - he started up again with the

Posts: 241 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Texas
IrishLass518
Member
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 12:49 AM, December 21st (Saturday)

The one thing that stood out for me was the part where he said he knew how much he hurt you. I don't believe that for one second. He has no clue, he didn't stick around to care for you and the hurt he caused.

The only response I would even consider would be "I know you are sorry. It doesn't change a damn thing."


Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1760 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
Topic Posts: 31