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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Upcoming Holiday
hurtmotherof2
New Member
Member # 28391
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, December 16th (Monday)

I am normally just a lurker.. but right now i could use some help....I really just want to go to sleep and wake up when it's January 1st... Our first Christmas as a separated couple.. Our little boys are sad and tell us this has been the worst year every for them.. I'm trying to remain strong for them but I keep breaking down... any words of encourgement would be a great help right now.


Posts: 47 | Registered: Apr 2010
StillLivin
Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, December 16th (Monday)

I'm so sorry.
This is a tough time. It's even worse that your little ones are feeling the effects of the A.
I can't make it better, but I can advise you to do your best to keep some normalcy. Routine will get your kids back into the spirit.
It's so hard to get up and do the simple things. But you will find that once you are actually "doing" stuff, it becomes a little better.
So take out the butter and bake some cookies.
Have some local kids or a neighbors kids come by and have them help you and your kids setup lights and decorate.
With everything, time heals, or at least dulls the wounds.
Everything comes and passes both good and bad. Everything. In a few months, you will be fine, one way or another.
Be kind to yourself. It's ok to cry. It really is. Just try and go somewhere private. Take some hot baths. Maybe set up for a relaxing massage. Even going shopping for some simple things can be helpful.
Do you have good friends or family close by? If so, lean on them right now. I didn't think my mother would be so supportive, she never has been in the past with anything. Shocked is an understatement! But, she has been my rock and given me some awesome advice. Between her, my sisters, and SI I am positive I'm recovering 5X faster than I would have on my own.
Don't try and do this all alone. We are here and reach out to others.
You'd be surprised how many people have dealt with this.
Play some holiday music, too! Maybe you and the kids go at night and look at the lights from neighbors' homes.
(((hurtmotherof2)))


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2358 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
yestopants
Member
Member # 41631
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, December 16th (Monday)

I'm hurting too! My first christmas in this. I went christmas shopping today and had to sit in the car and cry for a bit. It's not fun but we are lucky to have beautiful children. Keep your head up, you are not alone! We can do this….
When I returned to the mall after my cry I smiled at everyone that looked at me. I got some nice smiles back it felt good. Fake it till you make it


Me: 35
STBXWH: 38
2 amazing kids DS DD
almost Divorced!

Posts: 283 | Registered: Dec 2013
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, December 16th (Monday)

Oh, honey. I'm so glad you de-lurked! The first time through is so hard for everyone. It gets easier with each passing year, but for now? You just have to do the best you can.

Acknowledge your kids' feelings. It's ok for them to be sad - they have reason to be. Let them talk it out, and as hard as it is, try not to take their pain personally. (((hugs for all of you)))

Acknowledge your feelings (appropriately, of course) to them. It's ok to tell them you're sad, too. Follow it with reassurances of what ISN'T going to change - you will ALWAYS love them. Nothing can change that. You will ALWAYS be there for them. Good times and bad. They need to hear it, even if they already know it. (((more hugs)))

Look for small joys. Fresh snow. A lit tree. A pretty package. The way the steam rolls off a cup of cocoa. Point these things out and share the wonder of the small moments.

My biggest hurdle that first Christmas was inside of me. I wanted to keep everything just as it had always been for the kids. Wanted to cling to the familiar in order to keep the boat rocking to a minimum. It made me miserable and confused the kids. They knew things were changing and that things would have to be different. Once I let go of those unreasonable expectations, we dropped some of the old traditions and tried new things. Some of those stuck the next year, and we created new traditions. You will too.

Sending you all comfort. (((((hurtmotherof2 & kids)))))


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25850 | Registered: Aug 2011
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, December 16th (Monday)

((( hurtmotherof2 )))

Like the previous posters said, the first year of "firsts" is the hardest.

What helped me through Christmas is to make new traditions with the kids. I also tried to stay very busy (and kept my kiddos busy as well). We made a lot of really good memories that my son still mentions sometimes (and he'll be 18yrs old in a few weeks).

Hang in there. It gets easier with time.


Me - 42
SorryInSac (WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6597 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
tesla
Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, December 16th (Monday)

((((hugs))))

The first Christmas is hard. But look for little new things. Teslet and I drove around for a couple of nights looking at Christmas lights...that was our new thing.

We got one of those gingerbread house kits and made a mess.

Two very small things...but new things that brought Teslet and me joy.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4697 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
myowndystopia
Member
Member # 41340
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, December 16th (Monday)

I paid someone to decorate (ok that someone was my adult daughter) I just couldn't do it. But now that it's done- and slightly different from how I usually do it- it does feel nice surrounded by holiday coziness. It's still hard- but I can come home from work, lay on couch and think about all the shopping I should be doing. But seriously I do like having the decorations and lights:) (guess I'll be paying someone to pack it all up as well!)


Me- BS
Him - WS (the Grub)
married 28 years/4 kids(mostly grown)

"'Cause there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew.
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true "
Set Fire to the Rain
Adele


Posts: 408 | Registered: Nov 2013
Chrysalis123
Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, December 16th (Monday)

Maybe ask each kid what tradition they would like to do. Then you guys do it. That way you don't have to think up the ideas.

I am sorry you are suffering.


Don’t get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well. 

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jan 2010
gypsybird87
Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, December 16th (Monday)

((hurtmotherof2))

I agree with your boys- worst Christmas EVER. This is also my first one alone. No kiddos, just my furbabies, and thank God for them!

You've gotten great advice already and I don't have much to add, except to tell you are not alone.

Big hugs to your and your boys!!

((hurtmotherof2andboys))


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin


Posts: 945 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
Pippy
Member
Member # 16482
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, December 16th (Monday)

With all special days, I find the weeks leading up to it are the problem. The day itself passes quickly if you keep busy and then the day after it's pffffft! I'm good until the next holiday approaches.

I live alone because my kids are adults and moved far away for work, so I get especially lonely at Christmas, but I just keep telling myself, This too shall pass.

This year I'm going to make a special effort to visit relatives to see their tree.


I divorced him because I didn't like his girlfriend.
M 30 yrs.


Posts: 9588 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: East of the Rockies
hurtmotherof2
New Member
Member # 28391
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, December 16th (Monday)

thank you for all the replies and wonderful words of encouragement..I thank God for SI..i'm sitting here as I type this with tears running down my face.I never thought it would be this hard. I think the boys and I will drive around and look at some lights tonight. I know that will make them happy.. but i also know that as soon as we get home and they are in bed I will be a complete emotional wreck... Lord please give me the strength to make it through this trying time... :-((

Posts: 47 | Registered: Apr 2010
gypsybird87
Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, December 16th (Monday)

Hurtmotherof2,

I love driving around looking at lights too! Dreading doing that alone this year.... I think I'm going to take my little dog with me. He's always up for a ride in the car.

While you're out, make a stop or two. Pick up a decaf peppermint mocha from your local starbucks, along with a treat just for you (I highly recommend their cranberry bliss!). Then hit a redbox and look for a lighthearted Christmas movie like Elf or The Santa Clause. Nothing sappy! (It's been an eye-opener this year how romantic many Christmas movies are. Avoid!) Or do Netflix when you get home. Whatever... just have a fun plan for yourself, something to look forward to once the little ones are in bed.

Be good to yourself. You deserve it.


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin


Posts: 945 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
pregnantandsad
Member
Member # 40141
Default  Posted: 12:18 AM, December 17th (Tuesday)

I'm so sorry you are hurting. This time of year is hard for sure. I agree with all the previous posters- try and make some new traditions with your kids. DD and I have been picking a Christmas movie on netflix each night and watching it with a mug of hot cocoa. She looks forward to it every day. We've also made some ornaments, looked at lights in the neighborhood and are planning on baking cookies this weekend. I find it helps us both just enjoy the holiday season and focus on the little things that bring cheer and helps to lessen the feeling of things not being the same this year.


M 7 years, together for 12
2 kids- DD4 and a newborn
D-Day 7/2013 he didn't want R and moved in with OW
Filed for D, almost done!

Posts: 155 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
hurtmotherof2
New Member
Member # 28391
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, December 17th (Tuesday)

thanks again my SI family.... and I'm so sorry for the ones that are also out there hurting during this holiday season. I am doing my very best to not break down in front of the boys.. coming here to SI really helps with that...
Will definitely start some new traditions this year.. already started with the Elf on the Shelf ..it's a hit so far..

Happy Holidays!!!


Posts: 47 | Registered: Apr 2010
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, December 17th (Tuesday)

It's our first as well and I've gone with new traditions:

- No big roast dinner. It's just the children and I, so we're having a cheese fondue and dipping Christmassy food into it. I couldn't stand the thought of trying to recreate the roasts of all the past years, whereas this will be quick, easy and fun.

- new (to me) decorations so that I didn't have to go into the family Christmas decorations box. I got them from charity shops (US translation: thrift stores)

- a different elf on the shelf

- the day will be more child led. After church they've asked that we watch movies, eat and open presents. We can fondue in front of the TV if they fancy it

- Santa this year will be having a G&T with a slice of lime (rather than a whisky - why was it that WH got the drink and I didn't?) and crackers with a slab of brie

- The elf will gift everyone a pair of pyjamas and a shared bedtime book, to be opened on Christmas Eve night.


The new traditions are part of a new beginning for us.


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - Susp EA 'The Baker'
COW - EA/PA 'Fat Bottomed Girl'
COW - Susp EA 'MiniMe'

Posts: 1077 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, December 17th (Tuesday)

Love these new traditions you all are mentioning!

My kids were teens when all this went down, so that first Christmas, we threw out the big Christmas Eve extended family get together I hosted every year for wasband's side of the family (ugh - it was a KILLER) and turned the focus of Christmas Eve to DS' birthday.

Out with chili and oyster stew for 20, in with steaks off the grill and birthday cake for the three of us. MUCH more relaxed. MUCH more enjoyable.


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25850 | Registered: Aug 2011
EvenKeel
Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, December 17th (Tuesday)

My biggest hurdle that first Christmas was inside of me. I wanted to keep everything just as it had always been for the kids

That is funny NIK because I did the opposite the first year.....I bought a new tree, different decorations, the works. LOL. Just goes to show there is no right or wrong way to get through that first Christmas. Do what you need to do and what works for your family.

While the holidays are different now - it is a good different. I am no longer living in a M where ex is doing whatever he wants and trying to rugsweep, etc. So while the Christmas morning scheme may not look "traditional"....it is a healthier and honest life.

Hang in there....it DOES get better!!!!!


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2185 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
NotFixable
Member
Member # 41608
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, December 17th (Tuesday)

((HMo2)) I'm right here with you. This is my first Christmas since the split of just a little over a week ago. I did manage to put up the tree and inside decorations with DD, but my spirit hasn't lifted a bit. Each night I lay on the couch with only the light of the Christmas tree and cry. This is the worst thing I have ever gone through and just like you, I wish I could wake up when it's Jan. 1st. Later this week, my DD has a school Christmas concert and I am dreading that with every ounce of my being! I want to be there for her, but I'm also afraid of sitting in that crowd of people and breaking down. The OW will be there. Not sure about WH, but probably. He hasn't been a father for years, but now that it's an opportunity to hurt me, I'm sure he'll be all in! You hang in there. We are going to get through this in spite of it all. It's going to really suck for quite a while, but let's just focus on getting through the next couple of weeks, then it's sure to get better!


Me-BS
Him-WH
Married 13 years
DD #1 03/12
DD #2 11/20/13
Status: Separated and planning D
___________________________________

Nowhere left to go but up!


Posts: 108 | Registered: Dec 2013
Topic Posts: 18