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User Topic: And my night just went to shit.
Jules1111
Member
Member # 41463
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, December 16th (Monday)

He just walked in. I said nicely something about him calling first an he looked at me so coldly and said "remember, things have changed." He is still SO pissed I told my son. He said its still his house too and that he will come and go as he pleases. I am terrified. He really does want a divorce and I don't even know who he is. I told him that he knows I need to finish school and get a job and he was indifferent. Said "Yep" An then he said I did this an screwed everything up by putting my son in this and that I did it to hurt my son. He's wrong. I told him that is not why I told DS and that why couldnt he or other woman have said NO to the sleepover at OW's house? I told him my counselor told me I did the right thing and he said "well we will see when we go to the lawyer if your counselor an friends were right". It was a threat. I feel it in my bones. I cannot make it if he files now. I cried and told him he knows I need to do this first and he knows I have to keep my insurance bc of the breast cancer thing in my family. He said "but you don't have it." I said "Not now!" OMG I am shaking. How can he be so cold and so indifferent. He is punishing me now for telling my son. Tomorrow I am going to call for an appointment for a lawyer to double check my options. I just cannot believe this is who he turned into. And I feel completely abandoned by his family whom I was so close with. I am back in the throes of terror and despair.

Posts: 132 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, December 16th (Monday)

I think I missed where you told your son. Can you re-explain?


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7944 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
sailorgirl
Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, December 16th (Monday)

gonna,

See Jules's thread "I think I'm going to die"

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=516480


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
scaredyKat
Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, December 16th (Monday)

You have a lot to process. One thing I think you shouldn't be worrying about is health insurance. Not to get political, but the new law is MADE for people like you. I just priced a policy for my DS, 31, pre existing conditions, the bronze policy is about $200 a month....

Not to mention you most likely have some coverage through school. DON'T let him bully you! Or take away your amazing academic accomplishments!


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3463 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
sailorgirl
Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, December 16th (Monday)

Jules,

I'm so sorry. Definitely go see your own lawyer tomorrow. You might want to post in Separation/Divorce because they are very familiar with laws regarding child support, alimony, insurance etc.

Keep breathing.

An then he said I did this an screwed everything up by putting my son in this and that I did it to hurt my son.

Everything out of that man's mouth right now is lies. He screwed everything up, and he hurt his sons. You respected your son by telling him the truth, and protected him from hearing it at school, or on the soccer field. Besides, he can't spend the night in that toxic household with OW and OBS in in-house separation and fighting.

Your WH is blaming you and threatening to punish you for his wandering d!ck! Get mad, Jules and let your anger push away the fear. You are going to come out ahead now matter what that desperate loser does.


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
anewday78
Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 10:09 PM, December 16th (Monday)

Why did he come in? What was his purpose for being there?

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
anewday78
Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, December 16th (Monday)

Said "Yep" An then he said I did this an screwed everything up by putting my son in this and that I did it to hurt my son. 
I'm wondering if these are truly his thoughts or if these are words being whispered in his ear by a certain socio-whore.

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
Jules1111
Member
Member # 41463
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, December 16th (Monday)

I am so scared now bc he has all the cards. If we separate or divorce now, I will have to get a job for sure and there goes fulltime nursing school. We have a lot of debt and I was trying to pay that off too. 200$ a month for health insurance is not possible. Child support and spousal support will not be enough to get me through school. My kids don't deserve to lose their house, I don't deserve to have to give up school to get a crappy job because HE screwed around. He is punishing me right now because he is mad. And now plans to come and go here as he pleases. this was my sanctuary, now he can pop in anytime, bc its his house too and he pays for it. I get it. But what the hell did I do to deserve this? I was doing ok. I was doing better! I sounded so weak tonight to my own ears pleading with him (nicely) to let me finish school first for me and my kids. I know what the last lawyer told me. And the funny thing is, he never mentioned a lawyer. He was ok with waiting the 2-3 years. Once I told my son, OW told him that her lawyer told them NOT to tell their kids bc it has nothing to do with kids. so his whole "Well we'll see what the lawyer says about whether you and your counselor were right". I feel so so lost.

Posts: 132 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, December 16th (Monday)

(Thanks SG.)

Jules. You NEED to 180 this guy. No more crying, begging, or pleading.
Also. JADE this guy. He has COMPLETELY checked out on you because.....(brace for it....) he just doesn't give a shit.
Do Not justify/argue/defend/explain yourself to him. Cradle yourself with the knowledge that you are an intelligent person who loves her kids. So long as it was done age-appropriately and respectfully (and it sounds as if it was), you did the right thing by telling your child. He thanked you for being honest. Can you imagine his horror and shame if he had heard it through the school grapevine?

You are in unknown territory and it is expected that you will be afraid. But you will be okay.

I said nicely something about him calling first an he looked at me so coldly and said "remember, things have changed."

Response: "Yes they have. YOU don't live here anymore."

You are going to need a super-strong shield and spine to deal with this guy.
The saying goes: "he didn't change. his mask just fell off."


{{{hugs}}} for the family abandonment thing, I get it because it happened to me too. (Now)stbx had a new OW prior to any type of D papers being filed and my MIL and SIL told him that they were glad that he was *happy* again. I haven't spoken to either one of them in over 2 years now....and now he's on to his latest *chickie*, and those 2 are thrilled.

As SG said....find your anger at being treated so atrociously by this guy. Life gets better when you start sticking up for yourself and pull yourself out of the swamp of despair.....


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7944 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
myowndystopia
Member
Member # 41340
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, December 16th (Monday)

Another thing you may want to look into - and I know very little about it- but I think there are additional grants available for education for single moms. You may want to contact your financial aid office about that. I just don't want you to feel trapped in this situation and know that there may be other options to explore.


Me- BS
Him - WS (the Grub)
married 28 years/4 kids(mostly grown)

"'Cause there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew.
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true "
Set Fire to the Rain
Adele


Posts: 408 | Registered: Nov 2013
Jules1111
Member
Member # 41463
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, December 16th (Monday)

He came to see the kids before he went to work. Never called once today. Just showed up. My friend said he is mad at himself and taking it out on me. I do not want to sell the house and make my kids leave everything, but one of the things I will ask the lawyer is about if I have to divorce now, if it is possible to take the kids to another state so we can live with my dad and step mom while I go to school. That is the very last thing I want to do to my kids. The very last. It's a 12 hour drive from here. And they don't deserve to have their lives disrupted anymore than they already have. Plus WH would fight me tooth and nail. At least if I knew I would be able to do it, he may back off and let me finish school. I am hoping he will calm down in a few days. This all went down Saturday night. But he was ok- not shitty- when he picked the boys up for sledding yesterday...but today was a whole different ballgame.

Posts: 132 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
Jules1111
Member
Member # 41463
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, December 16th (Monday)

I cannot do the "you don't live here anymore"... because he would just move back in. He has every right. that is why OW and OBS are living together. He moved back in bc lawyer told him neither had to leave.

Posts: 132 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
Jules1111
Member
Member # 41463
Default  Posted: 10:22 PM, December 16th (Monday)

and I have been 180'ing. HARD. It was working. I was feeling better. And then this happened. Friend also said he doesn't like seeing me "ok" so is picking a fight so I will hurt. Bc he is pissed at himself and its easier to be pissed at me. I dont know if she is right or not

Posts: 132 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, December 16th (Monday)

check your PM's.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7944 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
sailorgirl
Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, December 16th (Monday)

It sounds like he is using anger to avoid feeling shame. He is lashing out at you because he can't stand for this to be his fault. Right now, he feels more shame then ever because your son knows. He's desperate to stop feeling like a shmuck. So he blames you for shaming him, strikes back at you, and feels righteous anger instead. But underneath is festering shame. Underneath is the knowledge that he's a horrible role model for his sons and a pitiful person.

You could google shame and anger or the shame/rage connection.

Wishing you sleep tonight.

[This message edited by sailorgirl at 11:02 PM, December 16th (Monday)]


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
iwillNOT
Member
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, December 16th (Monday)

Jules -

I am so sorry he is being such an ass.

You can do this, you can make it. There are extra loans and grants available for single moms, there will be insurance options as well, there is often subsidized childcare/ ins coverage for kids/ food stamps that are income based. Try to be calm, pick one thing per day to research or look into. Ask each person or agency you speak with if they can think of any other resources or agencies to help you. Go talk to financial aid, also go to your local unemployment/workforce development office, often they have workforce training funds that will pay for 2 year programs.

Someday you will be working a nursing job you enjoy, making good money, independent and you will be so very(rightfully) proud of yourself.


Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Kiddos 2,6,8,10
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.

Posts: 493 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, December 16th (Monday)

I can't add anything else to this thread, there are some great voices here helping you.

But I did want to say that you have been heard. I will keep you in my thought and prayers. Hold your head high dear Jules. Your a good person and a great Mom.

There only way out of this shitstorm is THROUGH IT! And the slog goes on...

Trust in yourself, try not to let fear drive your decisions. I know its easier said than done...

Try not to react to the crap your WH is slinging. Your son told you he appreciated the truth. That is golden.

You got this!

(((((Jules and her beautiful kiddos)))))


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1138 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
Kalliopeia
Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, December 16th (Monday)

I would hit up the local domestic violence shelter. aside from the fact he is abusing you, they have a lot of links into local resources that could be very supportive to you. so you will get validation, coaching through a difficult divorce and not feel so helpless or alone.

My first marriage was awful. I got a lot of help and it truely made a difference. My family was very supportive, also, but getting that external validation and community support was priceless.


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
heforgotme
Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 11:58 PM, December 16th (Monday)

Jules,

When my parents got divorced, my father was required to pay for my mother's health insurance.

You really need to get to a lawyer and find out what your rights are. You need an idea of the worst and best case scenarios in the divorce. He won't be able to terrorize you so easily if you know the deal. You might be in a much better position than you think. Which of course, he doesn't want you to know. But even if you aren't, at least you'll know for sure.

I was a student when all this went down too, so I can really feel for you.

Let us know what the lawyer says. I don't see how you can keep doing this for years.....

ETA: Don't forget SI has a Separation and Divorce forum. I bet there'd be some great advice in there from people who have BTDT

[This message edited by heforgotme at 12:04 AM, December 17th (Tuesday)]


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1077 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 1:21 AM, December 17th (Tuesday)

I am getting off of topic here, but I hope I can be of help..

Have you confided in your nursing dean or a school counselor about your situation and intention to D...It is possible that they can steer you toward some financial resources for those studying nursing who are/become underprivileged financially..

Are you interested in working at a hospital where you did a student rotation ?

Typically those are the hospitals that offer you a job just before your graduation, if there are any openings..You would start work after graduation and work under an RN as a GN until you pass your state boards..

If worst comes to worst and you have to work full time before you finish school, try to find a certified nursing assistant job in a hospital that provides benefits and tuition reimbursement..

In my state and in my hospital the nursing assistants get the same level of medical insurance as the RNs and other employees...

If your WH backs out of helping you thru school, and you can't find a job that will give you tuition reimbursement there are some programs in which your school loan can be forgiven.. You may qualify.. You would be required to work in one of the hospitals participating in the loan program.... Usually these hospitals are located in underserved areas..The minimum tenure of a job like this is about two or 3 years before your loan is completely forgiven...

I apologize for being long winded..I just wanted to let you know that your WH doesn't really have all the cards and in reality he doesn't control jack sh***t....He is just trying to intimidate you into fear so that he can manipulate you..


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1171 | Registered: Nov 2011
headdesk
Member
Member # 40787
Default  Posted: 1:29 AM, December 17th (Tuesday)

I can imagine this is scary beyond belief. Trust me though, while this is hard on kids, it isn't your actions that are doing it. It is his. Don't take any of the blame for that.

Also, kids are way more resilient than you'd worry about. Stuff is just stuff. Yes, they'd probably like to live in the house and the city that they are now in, but if it doesn't work out that way it will be ok. I live in a nice neighbourhood in a large home. I was honest when I told my husband I'd rather live in a crappy old leaking trailer than live with him here when he was hurting his family like this.

Schooling - you can do it. You need to as others said really start looking into the grants/bursaries available to single moms. I had a friend who was left by her WH. She was in debt and had no job as she was a sahm and was homeschooling the kids. She went through university while still teaching her kids (and having friends like me help too) and is now a successful social worker who is going for her masters. It is daunting and scary as hell, but just take it a day at a time. Focus on only one thing, not the whole mountain.

Hugs and hang in there girl. Learn the best places to stab him with a needle, or the drugs that will make his willy fall off.


Me: 39
WH: 42
DDay:Sep 19 2013 (only TT of EA)
Oct 4th 2013 revealed PA through snooping.
Marred 16 years, together for 20. Looking to R at this time. We have awesome kids (12/14).

Posts: 273 | Registered: Sep 2013
RedWheelBarrow
Member
Member # 38966
Default  Posted: 2:29 AM, December 17th (Tuesday)

He is a fucker, Jules. I bet living in another state - away from him - could be the perfect thing. I was told by a atty that I could do this, as my dad is older and would need my help. Also, jobs are harder for a long-time SAHM in my particular area. There are angles to explore - for you and me. But he is blowing off steam right now too. He may settle into some "quiet and comfortable" existence and give you time to get ducks in a row.
I still feel panicked, as you do now, a lot. My therapist tells me to remember that I have way more power than I know or realize. I bet the same for you. Get your kids in therapy too, with you and individually.
(((hugs))))


Me: BW 50
Him:Rockstar late 50's
DS: 10 , so precious.
Married 14 years, together 17 years
DDay #1 Nov.2012, plus more, more, more!
OW : 25 years younger than him, left her BH for my prize beast.
He moved in with her April,2013.
Divorced!

Posts: 106 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: NW
refuz2bavictim
Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 3:01 AM, December 17th (Tuesday)

Well we'll see what the lawyer says about whether you and your counselor were right". I feel so so lost.

What he is going to tattle to a lawyer? And then what?
Look, a real man would have told his children the TRUTH, himself.

The more difficult he perceives that *you* make things...the more real this gets for him, and her, the harder it is for them to maintain the fantasy.
One of these days...he will wake and see the reality. But today is not that day. So you must protect yourself from him.

He is not going to be your protector or get you through school. He is your adversary, who only cares for himself. You need to treat him as such.

All that nice talk in the beginning, where he was going to help you blah blah blah....that was just talk. To keep you quiet and out of his way. But that is impossible and it always was...Only in a fantasy land, can you betray so many people, and come out unscathed.

This is why he is escalating his bullying tactics to the next level.
Stick to your guns, and do not allow him to scare you with his puffed up empty words.

Do NOT worry about school.

Right now you need to take back your power, and find your anger. Not the raging plate breaking anger...the calm calculated anger that gets things done, and takes no shit. The kind of anger that will get you through this, through school....the productive kind.

The harder he fights, the angrier he gets....is a sign that you have hit a nerve. I know it is scary...but hitting those nerves has exposed his achilles heal.
You need to know those areas, so you can protect yourself from his passive aggressive attacks. Most of what he says will be designed to bully you into compliance. You could not trust him in the marriage, you can not trust him out of it....and I mean even his threats. This man does not "do" what he says he will do, he does the opposite. Remember that.

You and your children deserve much better.
You are a wonderful mother. You will be an excellent nurse. You are a fabulous wife, friend and daughter (DIL). You are honest and loyal, and when it comes to defending your family you can be fierce. I am so sorry that he is too self obsessed to see that.

I think you may want to get back to the lawyer, now that he has revealed he never really had plans to play nice. Tell no one of your plans. You need to start taking actions without him having any knowledge. Maybe you should visit ALL the lawyers in your area for a consult, to make his own search a bit more daunting.

Hang in there.

Get back to 180.
Get armed with information, anger and plans to finance your schooling....this will empower you, but don't let him know anything, as you find solutions.
Let him think he is holding all the power, so you can have a break from his verbal bully sessions, while you gather your resources.

You may not think you can do this...but you can.


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
Jules1111
Member
Member # 41463
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, December 17th (Tuesday)

This morning on his way home from work he called and politely asked me to open the garage so he can get something for his mom. And then he shut the garage and came in to go out the front door. The kids were home Bc they are not feeling well. Told him the kids are sick and staying home. He wiped his boots on the towel i had laying by the door and told.me nicely (almost asking) that he was going to go say hello to them. I said ok. I went in to the kitchen and he went to talk to them. Then he left without a word. I swear it makes no sense. I think maybe the 180 was getting to him and he didn't like that I was ok..(or im a good faker at it) and he is feeling guilty and shamed and its so much easier to be mad at me than to be mad at himself.deep down I know I did the right thing and the intense panic I had last night isn't as heavy today. Continuing with the 180 and reminding myself this is all his fault, calling
the lawyer for a consult, and reminding.myself that he wouldn't screw his boys. Its an empty threat to scare me Bc he is angry. And the anger he has he is projecting onto me. I know there is nothing to do but wait it out and keep.moving. thank you all for your support.

Posts: 132 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, December 17th (Tuesday)

You are way too dependent on a POS who is showing you he doesn't care about you, or what happens to you.

STOP begging him. He is getting off on it. He has complete control and power over you. He holds all the cards..and he is using them to abuse you.

No..the kids don't deserve this...no you don't deserve this either. but this is the situation he has put you in. Nothing about any of it is fair. But you must stop depending on this POS. You need to apply for assistance. You need to get your own attorney. You need to file for a D so he can get the fuck out of YOUR house.

IIRC, you have 2 more years of school. You can not continue like this for the next 2 years. You can not depend on this asshole to do ANYTHING for you. He does not care that you need insurance. He does not care that you have 2 years of school. He does not care...period. You can not trust him to stay married until you finish school,etc. He isn't going to wait. And, let's say he does wait. Until that day, he will continue to abuse you,hurt you, treat you like shit, and all the while, those kids are watching the way dad treats mom. Your DD will think this is how a man treats his wife..your DS will think the same.

Stop the abuse. You need to depend on you..because he has shown you you can not depend on him.

You need to apply for assistance,housing,food stamps, whatever you qualify for..NOW. Today. You must become independent.

Also..my exhusband had to continue to cover me on his insurance for a few years after our divorce.

Have you talked to an attorney..without your WH present?


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7321 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
sailorgirl
Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, December 17th (Tuesday)

I'm glad you don't feel as heavy today and the panic is subsiding.

I agree with three of your plans:
Hard 180
Remind yourself that he caused this
Consult an attorney (top priority)

As for whether he will screw over his boys, I sincerely hope not. From what you've said, he was a kind, responsible father pre-A, and maybe he will be again when he gets his head out of his ass. Right now though, his behavior says that he is more motivated to avoid his own negative feelings (such as shame, guilt, remorse) than to take care of himself or his family.

Has he taken full responsibility for breaking up the family and apologized to your sons? If not, he is screwing them up right now. An honest relationship with their father and a good moral example is far more important than whether they might have to move and change schools, or do without some material things.

Your WH will be required by law to support the boys financially with a divorce. What I hope is that he goes to a kick-ass IC, reads Not Just Friends, joins SI as a wayward and becomes the kind of man your boys deserve as a dad. You don't have control over that, but it could be the wake-up call he needs if you stick with the 180 no matter what garbage he spouts and see a good lawyer no matter what it costs (can anyone loan you the money?).

Whether he wakes up or not, you have to 180 and see a lawyer to protect yourself and your boys, not just financially but emotionally, too.

[This message edited by sailorgirl at 12:36 PM, December 17th (Tuesday)]


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
refuz2bavictim
Member
Member # 27176
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, December 17th (Tuesday)

he wouldn't screw his boys.

He already did, when he thought it would be OK that they stay with MOW, and when he imploded your family. Any harm he brings to you...affects them...but he doesn't really see it that way, does he. It's all your fault.

You are doing a great job bringing yourself back to a position of positive thought after a dip into the negative....just be careful on the upswing.

Don't make the mistake of thinking that what you believe is best for boys, is what he thinks is best. His thought processes are those of a self obsessed prick right now, and even your boys are collateral damage of his selfishness. His reasoning skills are full of justification, blame shifting and victimhood. He is not a good decision maker.

Most importantly...I don't believe he is holding all the cards...I think the reality is that you are, but you don't fully realize it, and he doesn't want YOU to know it.

The day you realize your own power is a day he dreads. It's why he works to keep you in line. One minute cold and calculating, and the next "asking for permission" to enter your space. Keeps you confused and off balance.
Like he's reeling in a fish. Relax, tension, relax tension, relax and YANK!
If you have never known him to be calculating, right now I believe he is and if it's not in his nature, I do believe that he is under the influence of someone who is.
He can NOT be trusted. Do not trust his threats...or his promises.

Honestly I have to ask..If money, school and health insurance were NO issue, would you be handling this any differently?

(There is no right or wrong answer to this BTW. It's just a question for you to consider.)


BS:ME DDay: 7/18/09 Last of TT 7/11/10
MOW's EA/PA all were my "friends" but one


Posts: 2372 | Registered: Jan 2010
Jules1111
Member
Member # 41463
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, December 17th (Tuesday)

Thank you. And to answer your question if money ins and school weren't an issue I wouldn't be as scared. Id still be heartbroken and still in disbelief Bc this does not at all resemble the man I married. Midlife crisis guy is a complete stranger. I don't know how differently I would handle this except that over time it would be easier to tell him to fuck off maybe. But it would still hurt just the same. He has apologized to my son and told him what he did was wrong but I do not know other details. My other son has no contact with OW and is too young so I have not told him. Had OW or WH been smart enough tell either of their kids NO regarding sleepover I wouldn't have told my oldest yet. But I know I would have soon due to the complicated nature of this and their friendship. And I didn't want him to hear it elsewhere.

Posts: 132 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
Jules1111
Member
Member # 41463
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, December 17th (Tuesday)

Thank you. And to answer your question if money ins and school weren't an issue I wouldn't be as scared. Id still be heartbroken and still in disbelief Bc this does not at all resemble the man I married. Midlife crisis guy is a complete stranger. I don't know how differently I would handle this except that over time it would be easier to tell him to fuck off maybe. But it would still hurt just the same. He has apologized to my son and told him what he did was wrong but I do not know other details. My other son has no contact with OW and is too young so I have not told him. Had OW or WH been smart enough tell either of their kids NO regarding sleepover I wouldn't have told my oldest yet. But I know I would have soon due to the complicated nature of this and their friendship. And I didn't want him to hear it elsewhere.

Posts: 132 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, December 17th (Tuesday)

Jules - I get wanting to get done with school and trying to make it work for the next 2 years, but honestly I think that this an unrealistic expectation, because every time you fall out of line with what he wants, and how he wants you to behave, he will threaten you and frighten you. You are allowing him far too much power.

Are you in an actual nursing program? If so talk to the program director or your counselor about how to proceed with school if funds dry up, also find out if the school has an resources to assist you financially, emotionally, and housing wise. Some schools have on campus housing for student, even moms, and if they work for the University they can live there rent free.

See another Attorney on your own, find out what your rights are, his responsiblities, and how to take control of this situation. If you are partially through school find out if you could work as a tech or nurse asssistant at the local hospital, or nursing home. YOU NEED this experience anyway. You will learn more than you ever thought possible, and by working may be eligible for some benefits like insurance. Since you are a SAHM he should absolutely be responsible for carrying the kids on the insurance. And even if you can't afford to cover yourself for a period of time, you can't be excluded for a preexisting or family history of condition. Also if you need yearly mam's there are all kinds of resources out there for underinsured and uninsured women.

You need to start reaching out to people. If your councilor at school isn't a help then go to the local social security office and find out what help is available. There are also many grants available to single moms for education. Many hospitals offer tuition reimbursement too.

You really need to stop and step back. Quit seeing thing through the narrow horrible vision he is giving you, and see what the possiblities are for you. You are ahead of the game given that you are in school,and know you want to become a nurse. There is help out there. Find it.

(((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8247 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Jules1111
Member
Member # 41463
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, December 17th (Tuesday)

I have to finish these last two classes this spring that are prereqs for the program. I need to apply by April 1st so that I can start this fall. As far as single mom grants I checked. I am not single and my taxes this year still need to be filed married joint. Since I am switching my BA over to a BSN I am going through the 2 year program at the community college first so that I can start working while I take the remaining classes for my BSN. I understand what you are all saying but some of that does not apply to me yet. I know he doesn't hold all of he cards and I have my Ace that I do not want to play unless forced. I dont want to move to my dads but I will if I have no other options. If that does happen he and his family will be devastated. He is a good dad in all other respects but this affair. And his family is really great. I would hate to hurt my kids or them by taking them away but will
do what I need to do and fight for that right so I can finish school. If he gives me no other option he is only hurting himself. I called one lawyer today and they want 150. Not possible right this second so I got the name of another I will call tomorrow for a free consult. I was freaking out last night
and in a panic. Its only been 3 weeks and I'm still a mess. I know I will get through this and if he pushes my dad will give me the money I need to get my own lawyer (which I will ask for WH to have to pay some of) and I know I will be ok. Crickets since this morning. I am sure he will stop by to see the kids before work tonight. And I don't really care. I know in my bones he is angry at himself and taking it out on me. But I don't care. I know that given the debt situation and the school situation I will be fine as he cannot afford to do anything yet anyway (from the lawyer I saw this summer) . It really is in his best interest in 100 ways to let me get this done.

Posts: 132 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
Jules1111
Member
Member # 41463
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, December 17th (Tuesday)

P.s. its not the yearly mammo's that scare me without insurance, it is what happens when they find something with no insurance. I know a woman only a year or 2 older than me that is now stage 4. Single 3 kids no insurance. While insurance may seem silly to some of you all of our situations are different and on mine it is a big factor in my fear.

Posts: 132 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
anewday78
Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, December 17th (Tuesday)

Jules, from what you've described, you've got him by the balls so try not to allow yourself to go in panic mode. He doesn't have the resources to follow through with any of the legal moves. And even if he does have enough to get the ball rolling, he didn't have enough to put up much of a fight if you come out swinging. Open up an account in YOUR NAME ONLY and start siphoning funds into it as you also work on passing down the debt over the next two years. Every little bit helps - even if it's only a few bucks per week. You have far more of a plan than him/them, so you have the competitive advantage.

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
RippedSoul
Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, December 17th (Tuesday)

(((Jules)))

As someone who raised 4 children on $13,000/year when my SAWH was in grad school, believe me when I say there are programs that will help you through this. Don't let fear get in the way of your 180, of your way back to a place of dignity and strength. I understand being afraid, but I hate that he has the power right now to make you grovel. You can't change one little thing about him, but you can empower yourself and your children.

First, check into subsidized housing. You'll usually find it under the heading of Housing Authority of New York City or Housing Authority of Wichita County. You MAY not be able to apply yet since you've still got income, technically. But you could ask questions, get the paperwork started, find out what housing is available (some apartments are within public housing; some--better IMO--are within other, non-public housing apartment complexes). When we first signed up (when we started grad school), we were told the wait list was 2 to 5 years!!! I was floored! But, for us, it was only 6 months. There is a waiting list and certain things put you at the top of the list: handicaps, being "underhoused," having your current rent be a much higher percentage of your income than it should be, etc. We had 3 children (of different genders) in a 2 bedroom apartment. That, plus our extreme poverty vaulted us to the top of the list. We ended up getting Section 8 vouchers and living in student housing at the university. No one--but us--knew.

Second, back then (15 years ago?), we paid for our student health insurance, but our children were covered under Medicaid. Free. Of our $13,000/yr, we paid $4500 ($1500/semester for our insurance--no dental, no vision) for the two of us. Medicaid paid for all well-child visits, dental, vision, etc. You do NOT need to worry about being so poor. Being that poor, strangely enough, has its advantages. We've only been that poor 5 years out of our lives, but it was better than the first 5 years post-PhD when we no longer qualified for anything. Our kids had a better life when we were poor than when we were middle class. That's not to say you will stay there; that's meant to encourage you and let you know that the window of poverty while you're in school is workable. Your boys can get scholarships for swimming lessons/basketball leagues, etc. from the local YMCA, B&G Clubs, etc.

There's also WIC, food stamps (we didn't qualify because our minivan was worth too much), etc. to get you through the tough times. Others have talked about help from your university. You DO have options. You really do. Your hands are not tied and you are not helpless.

It's not fun to be poor, but it's not the end of the world, either. Living with your WH, depending on his charity, being verbally and emotionally abused by him, worrying about when he might pull the rug out from under you/your sons--that's what's truly miserable. Please put all your energies (aside from studying and mothering and breathing) into finding out what resources are out there for women in your shoes. You can do this. We're all part of your cheering section!!!


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 446 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
peoplepleaser
Member
Member # 41535
Default  Posted: 2:09 AM, December 18th (Wednesday)

Jules, I'm so sorry. And I'm impressed by your courage, strength and commitment to yourself and DS.

I almost posted this last week, but your financial situation should you divorce (while not great) is not as bad as it may seem. Most courts do not award alimony (although in your case with your schooling and his indiscretion, you might have a chance). While that's not great news, it leaves you in a position to go on government assistance as a single mom in school full time. I read that you are trying to pay off your debt, but you might consider financial aid for continuing school, as well. I know that many of us have moral and ethical reasons for not considering these options, but they are there for situations like this.

With regard to him coming into your home, I was reminded of a friend of mine who separated from her WS. The WS attempted several times to come into the home without permission before her name was off the title. Since they had agreed to separate and since WS had moved out, she had no claim to enter the home without BS permission. If you haven't visited an attorney, I recommend doing so soon so you have all the knowledge you need about how the situation can play out. I fear you are worrying about things more than is necessary, which breaks my heart for you as you wade through your emotions.

Hugs to you.


WS: 39--2 EAs
BS: 39--me, faithful
DS: 6
9 year relationship in R.
DDay #1: September 6, 2013 EA for 5 weeks August 2013.
DDay #2: January 2, 2014 EA for 6 weeks summer 2011.
"I am still learning." -Michelangelo

Posts: 560 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Midwest
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, December 18th (Wednesday)

Jules - One last thought, if you don't have the up front $$ that attorney's are asking for then please contact your local abused womens shelter.

You are an abused spouse at this point. You will need help these people are anxious, and happy to help you. Esp someone like you who is breaking the cycle, and becoming an independent woman who will be more than able to support herself and her kids.

There are many many many nurses out there that have walked in your shoes, or a path similar to yours. You will do this. You will be ok, but please do not be reluctant to utilize the resources that are at your fingertips, and do NOT allow your WH to manipulate the situation.

YOU are STRONG, SMART, FIERCE, and YOU WILL SUCCEED!!!!!


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8247 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
crisp
Member
Member # 34236
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, January 10th (Friday)

The various programs available and the benefit they provide are highly dependent on the state you live in. Are the place you currently live and the place your father lives in the same state? The support laws also vary from state to state. You should educate yourself so that you can make informed decisions. For instance, if you find that there is no spousal support in the state your father lives in, but there is medicaid expansion for you and the kids, you might decide to file for divorce and then move to your father's house. Conversely, it might make sense for you to move to another state, establish residency there and then file.

The internet has the basic information you need to get the outlines for what the strategic benefits afforded by each possible locations. If you find that task daunting, PM me with the locations and I might be able to help you. For example, if you live in a state that accepted the Medicaid expansion under the new health law, you you would be eligible for FREE health care with no deductible so long as your CURRENT income is below $26,000 a year (family of 3-you and 2 kids) after you separate.


Endeavor to persevere. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=csEzTwKemwY

Posts: 374 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: NE US
Topic Posts: 37