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User Topic: All My Fears Confirmed
stanley
New Member
Member # 41695
Sad  Posted: 6:04 PM, December 17th (Tuesday)

I've been in a committed relationship for twelve years with a woman I love unconditionally. My first wife gave me four wonderful children before she passed away from breast cancer. My current relationship started out as a wonderful deep friendship that evolved into a deep, passionate and loving commitment. I first suspected a year ago when "the" guy showed up at an event we were hosting. She introduced him as a guy she worked with. She had never mentioned him before so when they wandered off to talk to each other I suspected then that something was not quite right. She leaned in and whispered something in his ear making him smile. I also noticed that when I shook his hand that he wouldn't make eye contact and he seemed uncomfortable. I tried to not let it bother me, but "that" feeling was still there. After he left she was overly affectionate towards me and we made passionate love that night. She fell asleep early that night but I could not as "that" nagging feeling was still there!I got up and checked her facebook and sure enough he had left her a message. He wrote "ily:)" I did some more "research" and discovered he was just recently friended as well. I was so hurt by this, but I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt and not jump too an obvious conclusion. The next day I couldn't shake "that" feeling so I went over to a mutual friend and coworker of hers and that is when I discovered that the rumor was that she was having an affair with this man and it was all the talk around the water cooler. His boss had "warned" him that someone had seen them in the parking lot at work and he should be more careful! This was more than I could take so I gathered what was left of my sanity and I calmly confronted her the next day. After a lot of tears, "me" and a lot of denial "her," and I am the only one in her life she convinced me it wasn't true. I wanted to believe her so I somehow managed to put it away. It was from this point on that she began to slowly but gradually pull away, they continued to be the talk around the water cooler and his wife got into the picture and that is when I thought things would get better for us. It did for a brief time and she even gave me a ring to repledge her love and commitment to me. Then another rumor came out and this time I saw them together and another confrontation ensued. Again she convinced me. I just didn't want to believe the truth. The more time I thought about this the more troubled I became and slowly my brain began making decisions where my heart had before. I made a conscious decision to find out the truth, so on Nov.16th I followed her and in doing so all my fears were confirmed. I caught them not only together, but they were abusing alcohol and drugs. I was devastated. I confronted them. He slunk away and she was repentant. I wanted to be mad at her in that moment and I had always thought I knew exactly how I would react to this situation, but my reality was so different than I imagined. I didn't hate her, I still loved her and I never felt so much pain as I did in that moment of truth. It has only been just a month since this all happened and so much has transpired. She says she is torn between us and I just feel alone and mute! The day that it happened I told her I forgave her, because of the realization that I loved her more than any anger that I had. We talked through the night initially about this and the hardest part for me to deal with was that she couldn't promise that she wouldn't see him again and she could't promise that she wouldn't be intimate with him while she figured this all out. She says she is torn, but I am torn in two. I love her with all my heart! I have expressed this to her many times and she does seem to be torn, but in reflection there were so many lies and half truths from her in the past year, that I am afraid that even though I have forgiven her, I don't know that she will be able to forgive herself enough to repair this. This last month has been a blur for me with so few high moments and so many low ones. One minute I think she is coming around and the next it's heartache. Most of the time I go through my days with a sick feeling living life in a fog! I have lived through some tremendous pain in my life, holding my first wife's hand as she took her last breath and losing my mother and father with in four months of each other, but this pain is something that has completely overwhelmed and consumed me and is far greater emotionally than anything I have experienced. I still love her so much, maybe more than ever, and I really don't want the thought of living with out her in my mind!I feel like a fool sometimes, I feel weak, I feel lonely and isolated, I feel angry, I feel hurt, there are times of extreme desperation when my spirit feels crushed beyond repair. All of these emotions and I really don't know how I am feeling from one moment to the next! When I am lucid I know I love her and want desperately to fix what is broken and be happy again. I am actively seeking counsel and answers, devouring any information I can, it's just that right now it feels so one sided and lonely. I don't understand how you can say you love someone, tell them that you can see us together in the future and that you can't picture him in your future but you can't commit to not sleeping with them at least until you figure out who you want in you life! I feel like she has pulled my heart from my chest, torn it in two and is stomping on it every time she sees him

Posts: 13 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: NorthWest
marionwendy
Member
Member # 41303
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, December 17th (Tuesday)

I am so sorry for all the pain you are feeling, Im only 3 months past our DD so I cant give you much to go on . I feel sick for you as I know all the pain you are feeling. I wish you WW could understand it but it sounds like she is in what they call a fog. You found the right place to post and vent I wish I would of found this site sooner. Im sending you great strength and many hugs. Please take care of yourself. try to eat and drink water, that helped me. I also did a lot of reading... this is not easy but it does get easier. Please take care I hope your wife comes out of her fog sooner than later.


BS-49
WS-50
Married-18
Together-21
Children-2

Life is not measured by the breaths we take
but by the moments that take our breath away.


Posts: 216 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: canada
self-rescuer
Member
Member # 35059
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, December 17th (Tuesday)

Dear Friend - your journey is just beginning.

First, you must drink water constantly. Always have water near.

Second, get any nutrician you can. Scrambled eggs? Yogurt? Anything that sounds remotely appealing - try and eat.

Third - gently but I need to be direct. She DOES NOT have the option to be torn. You are her mate. She must chose you. If she does not, she chooses him.

She has no right to toy with your feelings and keep you hanging until she decides what she wants.

You are her mate and she is your love. You do not deserve to spend a single hour in limbo.

Post here and feel the support. Know you are worthy of honesty and commitment.

Take care and know there are many here who care.


BW 53 WXH 56 & still bewildered
D-Day 9-15-11
Divorce 3-13-13

Just trust yourself, then you will know how to live.
~ Goethe


Posts: 504 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: the south
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, December 17th (Tuesday)

This...
She says she is torn between us
...says it all. She is torn between you and a married man who could not even look you in the eye.

You cannot fix this. It takes two of you and she is still in the A. So the question is how long will you continue to accept this situation. You hoped the OM's BW would change things. However, the change needs to come from her.

You say you've forgiven her. Except she hasn't agreed to even stop. So my question is how has her actions truly asked for any forgiveness?

Until she demonstrates true remorse I would advise against continuing the relationship. Sorry if that sounds harsh but the reality is so much harsher because of her actions.



xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3785 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, December 17th (Tuesday)

I''m so sorry that you''re here. I''m glad that you found us, for support. And I am very glad that you are not married to your WGF and that she has no claim on your children.

You cannot nice her back. If you could, then every one of us on this site would not be here. She needs to make a choice she is either with you and completely NC with the OM, or she is with the OM and needs to leave your house. If she says she can''t or won''t make the choice, then that IS her choice. She needs to leave the house. There is no room for 3 in a relationship. And if her OM has a BW or BGF, that person needs to know whats going on too. Because they have the same right to expect faithfulness from their SO as you do.

I''m really sorry. I know it''s tough. But you didn''t cause this, your WGF did.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4785 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, December 17th (Tuesday)

The sad thing is if you took a hard line with her now and made her choose between genuine reconciliation and saying goodbye, you would probably get her back. But it doesn't sound as if you are in the state of mind where you are able to do that. You need to risk the relationship to win and again you are not prepared to do that.

I am surprised. You suffered such tremendous pain as you held hands with your dying wife as she passed away and you don't have the strength to kick this cheating slut to the curb where she belongs?

She didn't actually accidentally fall in love with a married man she willed it to happen and permitted it to proceed to 'love,' betraying both you and his BS in the process. Just sheer selfishness, and as such she deserves your contempt.

she could't promise that she wouldn't be intimate with him while she figured this all out.

That makes me mad. What utter narcissistic behavior. One day you will see what a worthless person she really is; but I fear you have much pain to go through in the meantime.

Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
JustWow
Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, December 17th (Tuesday)

she could't promise that she wouldn't be intimate with him while she figured this all out.

probably need to let the OM's wife in on this. These things thrive in secrecy, the light of day tends to make all the fairy tales disappear.

Sorry you're here, but glad you found us.


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3616 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
Gr8Lady
Member
Member # 36307
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, December 17th (Tuesday)

My heartbreaks for you. In some small crazy way it also shows me men can and are in truly committed relation ships
So very sorry, for your hurt and pain. Devastating.

Take it a day at a time, read what you can in the healing library.
This site is a haven.


BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
So done,

Posts: 611 | Registered: Jul 2012
myownmaster
New Member
Member # 35317
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, December 17th (Tuesday)

I hope for your sake that you hit the "anger" or "enough is enough" stage sooner than later. I say this because it's generally the people on here who choose not to take the bull by the horns approach that don't take the VERY good advice on here or at least not to the extent they should.

They convince themselves that their love will guide them in the right direction, but in reality it kills them bit by bit. They spin their wheels so to speak until there is no tread left. They lose a part of themselves that they will never get back and will always regret that they lost it.

I understand everyone has to go through the process, and when you're ready, you will have a lot of advice here so I don't need to add any, but again, all I will say is I hope for your sake you hit the anger stage sooner than later (you will get it later on I suppose).


Posts: 46 | Registered: Apr 2012
lqqk4answ
New Member
Member # 41662
Default  Posted: 12:22 AM, December 18th (Wednesday)

Found it hard to read because all it too close to home, feelings and all. I started shaking reading it and I feel for you as no one should ever have to go through this. I wish I could offer good advice, I would if I could, but if I could I wouldn't be here. All I can say is hang in there and that you are not alone!


D-Day: 5 Dec 2012
NC date: waiting
Me, BS, 57 years
WW, 53 years
Married 30 years at time.

Posts: 31 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: NM
Dare2Trust
Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 1:22 AM, December 18th (Wednesday)

Stanley,

I'm extremely sorry for the pain and turmoil you are going through.

I suggest you seek counseling/therapy to help you deal with the immense pain you are going though, and to help you understand WHY you are willing to accept such horrific, unfair, hurtful treatment from this woman? She has made it clear - she's having a sexual affair with OM; and she is not willing to STOP.

You need to inform OM's wife that this affair is actively going on - she deserves to know.

I can't believe it's possible to "forgive" someone who purposely continues to hurt you in such a way ---Do you even know exactly what it is you are "forgiving?" CHEATERS are liars - so I doubt if you even know the "truth" about this affair.
Please take care of yourself.


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6115 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
stanley
New Member
Member # 41695
Default  Posted: 1:34 AM, December 18th (Wednesday)

I really didn't know what to expect when I signed up for this site and I am glad that I did! Thank you to all who responded to my pain. I just wanted an opportunity to be heard. The loneliness and isolation of this mess is unbearable and being able to speak and be heard is so helpful. To get insight and advice is more than I could have hoped for!!! Thank you so much!

Posts: 13 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: NorthWest
stronger08
Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 3:30 AM, December 18th (Wednesday)

Stan my man, when your in a relationship with a woman who sits on a fence, torn between yourself or her married lover the best advice I can give is to shove her the hell off that fence. You need to take immediate steps to ensure that your own emotional health is protected. The first being to remove yourself from this drama ASAP. She is living in a fantasy world with this OM. Its all roses and unicorns in fantasyland. She needs to be smacked upside the head with some reality my man. Tell her to go to OM, that he can have her. Do you really think this guy wants her ? Sure he wants all the NSA sex he is getting. But I'll bet a weeks pay that all he wants. You need to make this A difficult for them. And the way you do that is to expose the truth about what they are doing. Inform this guys W as to what you have found. I'm sure their boss would love to know about the drugs and booze. I understand that you love her and your afraid of losing her. But the sad fact is that you have already lost her. She is screwing another guy, making you a distant second on her list of priorities. She has no remorse for destroying your life and cant even decide what she wants to do. Pick your balls up off the floor and fight back my man. The longer you allow her to dictate policy here, the longer your misery will be. she has been lying to you for a long time. When she could no longer lie her way out of it she gives you the old I'm confused bullshit. All that does is give her a free pass to keep screwing her AP while she drops a few crumbs your way just in case she wants to run back to you when her A implodes. Those crumbs are just enough to make you think she will snap out of this insanity. But in all honesty unless you take action she will keep doing what she is doing. The choice is all yours bro. You can continue to sit there and be made a fool of, or you can man up and do what needs to be done. Action begets action, while inaction gets you nowhere. Hang in there brother, I've been in your shoes and it sucks. But unless you do something to stop this it will never end. I wish you strength and peace. BTW, read up on the 180 in the healing library. I think it will help you.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5652 | Registered: Nov 2007
standinghere
Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 3:53 AM, December 18th (Wednesday)

Keep in mind that you have nothing to prove to anyone.

Do not accept this arrangement. Clearly define what is acceptable behavior in your relationship. Then, if she will not agree, protect yourself by doing the 180.

You cannot control her.

You cannot nice her back.

This has nothing to do with you either.

She just did one of the cruelest things you can do to another person, and she is not remorseful.

I don't understand how you can say you love someone, tell them that you can see us together in the future and that you can't picture him in your future but you can't commit to not sleeping with them at least until you figure out who you want in you life!

Because she is really messed up emotionally. Far more than you realize.

Why does it hurt so much?

I know what that feels like...as do many others here. I think it has to do with thinking in our own heads that this has something to do with us, it takes a long time to get past that, but over time you will realize that you didn't do, or not do, anything that led to this. Eventually, you realize, that you were just a passenger in the plane when it crashed.

Hang in there, the first three months is pure hell. I didn't find this forum till almost two years had passed. It is a good place.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 968 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
alback
New Member
Member # 41336
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, December 18th (Wednesday)

Stanley,
Are you married, or is this a living together relationship? Either way I will refer to her as your WS.

Know that your WS has already made her choice when she says she is not prepared to cease her relationship with this AP. She has chose him, she is willing to risk family, friends and you for him. Your feelings to her are unimportant at this time, her actions is her true feelings for you, not what she says.

She flaunts her affair at work, she brought him to your house and decided to be with him in front of you.

The more you do the soft sell trying to earn her back, the more she disrespects you. Don't be her doormat, she has made her decision - you make yours. She has been deceptive, lying and cheating on you for more than a year. She has finally found the strength to tell you she is not going to give up on this guy, she has given up on you. Do you really want to continue with the person you now know?

Time to protect yourself, seek a lawyer and start the paperwork, protect your finances, and your health from her relationship. Get tested for STDs. Tell your family and friends, of your situation. If this guy works with her, inform the HR department of the situation. Be sure to tell his wife how serious this has become.

If your lawyer agrees, pack her things and deliver them and her to either his house, her parents, or her work.

I really feel for you, I am also a betrayed husband. Time to grow a pair.


Posts: 31 | Registered: Nov 2013
stanley
New Member
Member # 41695
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)

Thank you everyone for the advice on the 180! it took me awhile to find it. " I was looking for it in the articles section instead of the BS FAQ section" It was not at all what I thought it was. It is way better and I feel like it is the perfect approach for me. I am a fixer who is usually in control but this affair has left me feeling emotionally chaotic standing in the eye of a hurricane! For the first time in a long time I feel like I have at least one foot on the ground. I put the 180 on my phone so I can carry it with me to remind me and refer to when I am feeling weak, so it is being referred to a lot! Thank you Everyone for the support!!! If you are new here like me the 180 can be found in "The Healing Library" under the BS FAQ section and it is question #11

Posts: 13 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: NorthWest
damaged71
Member
Member # 36004
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)

Stanley there is GOLDEN advice in this thread PLEASE heed it.

I was in the same place you were. I wanted my relationship to work so bad. I was willing to do anything. My wife was in "lurve" with the OM. She didn't know what to do. I was convinced that I would win if I were just kind and nice enough.

She made me pay for every act of kindness and understanding with unbelievable pain.

I finally said "screw this shit" this isn't worth it. This phase is what the other folks refer to as the "anger" phase. You WILL get there.

I finally kicked her off the fence. I called his wife. Guess what, he wasn't going anywhere. He had no long term plans with my wife at all. He kicked my wife to the curb so fast it was shocking. The force with which she was thrown under the bus was amazing. I almost felt bad for her.

I reached a place where I realized that she wasn't the prize I was. I let her stop controlling everything and things got better.

So this is what's going to happen if you start to 180 her. You will see her try to get closer as you pull away. She wants to control the situation and she will absolutely play you to do so. She has a cape with a big "M" on it for Manipulator. She will teach you a thing or two about that. She wants you waiting while she makes up her mind. As long as you wait she WILL NOT make up her mind. She simply won't do it.

Your ONLY move is to choose not to participate. Tell her you won't be the third person in this marriage and to let you know when she has decided. Tell her that either decision is A-ok with you. If you do this things will change.

Everyone here will tell you the same thing and I mean everyone. You cannot "nice" your WW back into the relationship. You can't win this one by being nice so don't try. You aren't going to be the lone case where this works.

I am 20 months out and the only thing that keeps me up at night is wishing I could have a "do-over" on D-day. It would have saved me so much pain and agony.

I would have simply walked away and filed for divorce. I still wanted to be married but it would have shortcut everything. Instead I tried to be nice and got two solid months of her not being able to make a decision. That two months was the worst of my life.

Don't make the mistake I did. I am sure a lot of others would beg you for the same thing. For us it's like watching someone walk into an oncoming train. We know how to prevent it. We've been there.

Best of luck to you....


I didn't know there was this much emotional pain in the universe!
Me 42
Her 44
D-day 5.18.12
Currently in R

Posts: 342 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: damaged71
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)

Stanley, I’m so sorry you’re here.

Everyone is right. As long as your wife has options, she won’t choose. She has everything she wants right now. Why would she give that up? Because you’re hurting? She’s proven that her wants trump that already. Don’t wait for that to change – it won’t.

The other problem with trying to be nice is that you become ‘weak’. No one wants a weak, spineless spouse. People like confidence and self worth. If you allow your wife to continue to have a boyfriend, she will absolutely view you as weak. She will tell her boyfriend about it (yes, although she isn’t sharing much with you, she’s telling him everything so he feels important. In turn he’ll make her feel important. That’s how this game goes.), and her boyfriend will use it to his advantage to continue to portray you as weak, and then tell her she really should cut you loose. Guess what? She will!

You MUST appear strong, even when you want to crumble. You MUST push her off her fence and take away her options. You MUST not allow her to continue on with her boyfriend. Make it clear that if she does, even one more time, she will need to move out. DO NOT SAY THIS IF YOU DON’T MEAN IT.

You probably will need to kick her out, btw. She’ll think you’re bluffing. Show her you aren’t. If she cares, she’ll come back and stop being a cheater. If not, well you saved yourself some heartache that’s coming your way anyway.

I’m sorry this is so blunt and direct, but as others said, we’ve seen this before. The longer you let it continue, the less chance you have of your wife ‘choosing’ you.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
7yrsflushed
Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)

You already have some very good advice on the thread but I just wanted to add that I was one of the people "myownmaster" described. I stayed an additional 2 years in a marriage with an unremorseful, fence sitting, cake eating wayward spouse because I thought my situation was "different or unique". The reality is these Affairs and the waywards reactions are very similar.

My advice kick her ass squarely off the fence now by removing yourself from the equation. A M can't survive with 3 people in it.

but you can't commit to not sleeping with them at least until you figure out who you want in you life
May seem counterintuitive to you at the moment but your heart is fucking with your ability to think logically. Over time your heart WILL catch up to what your mind already knows. In the meantime if you want to save yourself a metric shit ton of hurt heed the advice given. In response to the quote above, you pack her shit up in hefty bags, sit said bags on the front lawn and proceed to tell her that she doesn't have to commit to a damn thing because you are making the decision for her. Then tell her to get out and go be with her married boyfriend. Put your foot down now and do it decisively. You are no longer dealing with your SO, significant other. You are dealing with a pod person and this pod person has lied to you repeatedly for an extended period of time and will continue to do so. See how quickly she changes her tune once she sees that you are serious and are kicking her out. If she doesn't change her tune then she was going to put you through pure hell as she lied and figured out ways to see the OM behind your back.

You can't beg, plead, manipulate, or nice your SO back into the relationship. The only person you can control is yourself. The longer you let her sit back and whine over her lost luurve with the OM the more damage is done to your soul. Free yourself and start focusing on you and what you want. The 180 is your best damn friend ever right now. None of this is your fault. She chose to go out and sleep with another man and nothing you did caused her to make that choice. You will be fine just remember to take care of yourself and keep posting it really does help.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 3:35 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1902 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Mr. Kite
Member
Member # 28840
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)

When I am lucid I know I love her and want desperately to fix what is broken and be happy again.

I am a fixer who is usually in control

I didn't find SI, or any other person or site that knew what these people know until 2010 - 16 years after D-day 1. Take full advantage of the experience and advice that is available here. I struggled all those years bouncing between being Mr. Nice Guy and being a mean bastard. Neither one worked. Most men I know, including myself, tend to be fixers. But you can't fix her, you can only fix yourself.


Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: Mid-Atlantic
damaged71
Member
Member # 36004
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)

Stanley...

you are probably wondering how it's possible that we are all saying the exact same thing.

It's the playbook. Cheaters follow a script. It's shocking how all these situations are similar. All of these people cheating think they are setting the world on fire and they are out on the edge doing something new and unique.

Folks here can probably tell you with shocking accuracy what your WW is going to do next. It's because their WW did it too, guess what, so did mine.

For us this is a movie we have seen a few hundred times. We KNOW how it ends. We know what all the characters are going to do. When know when the bad guy is on the other side of the door.

This is the same as us yelling at the screen trying to warn the hero of the story. We know what's going to happen please take the advice of the people here.


I didn't know there was this much emotional pain in the universe!
Me 42
Her 44
D-day 5.18.12
Currently in R

Posts: 342 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: damaged71
7yrsflushed
Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)

I am a fixer who is usually in control
Stanley, I bumped a thread for you to read about codependancy. It's titled, "Codepedancy in a Marriage, the BS's common mistake". Fixer usually means codependant. I was a fixer as well and it just about drove me crazy. This situation can't be fixed by us. They MUST fix themselves and many just can't do it. Anyway check out the thread and there are a few books that may help if you feel you may have codependant tendencies. "Codepedant No More" is one of them. You will get through this.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 2:43 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1902 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)

stan - remember to do the 180 for you, to give you space and strength. It is not a manipulative tool - it won't work that way. Do it for you and you alone (just a heads-up).

Another reason everyone's saying the same thing is that when we were new to this (like you are now) - it sounds opposite of what we want to do.
It takes awhile to 'sink in'...it's so counter-intuitive.

Be strong and respect yourself. Love yourself. That, you deserve.

Not this shit sandwich she's trying to make you swallow with a smile.

Don't kick her off the fence, kick the fence down when you jump off of it yourself!

As a side note: I forgave, but it doesn't mean you have to accept unacceptable behavior. I divorced anyway.
It has helped me reach indifference to her cruelty and abuse.


Posts: 6570 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
self-rescuer
Member
Member # 35059
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, December 19th (Thursday)

This is the same as us yelling at the screen trying to warn the hero of the story. We know what's going to happen please take the advice of the people here.

This is brilliant. Indeed, we are all now screaming at our computers, trying to save you from the mistakes which we made.

Please post an update. There are many here who are very concerned.


BW 53 WXH 56 & still bewildered
D-Day 9-15-11
Divorce 3-13-13

Just trust yourself, then you will know how to live.
~ Goethe


Posts: 504 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: the south
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, December 19th (Thursday)

*****She wants you waiting while she makes up her mind. As long as you wait she WILL NOT make up her mind. She simply won't do it.

Your ONLY move is to choose not to participate. Tell her you won't be the third person in this marriage*****

^^^^From page 1.


Play this song for her: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCyL6pa_L4M

....then tell her that you dumped her shit on the OM's porch.......*they* caused all this drama, let THEM deal with it.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7996 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Firewalker
Member
Member # 18804
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, December 19th (Thursday)

Stanley, I'm going to give you a slightly different perspective. I put up with this foolishness for 30 years.....yes, 30! Why?....because I loved my husband.

I'm 8 years out now, happily divorced. And guess what? I still love him. When you love someone unconditionally, you can't just turn it off. You can't just decide you'll stop loving them. That's what keeps some people holding on far too long to someone they love -----who can't or won't love them back.

My XH is a wonderful XH. We're great friends. I love him. But nothing could convince me to be married to him again and go through the hell that once was my life because he was incapable of commitment and true intimacy.

You can still love them......just love them from afar.


Posts: 130 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Florida
TooAloof
Member
Member # 12764
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, December 19th (Thursday)

(((Stanley))) So, so sorry...
And pissed off

I feel like she has pulled my heart from my chest, torn it in two and is stomping on it every time she sees him

That's because she has, and she is, and she doesn't care. Would you do that to her? to anybody? Can you even imagine doing it? of course not.
She no longer considers you, or thinks about you, except to try to figure out how to manage you/ manipulate you so you'll play along (I'm not saying she's doing this consciously, on purpose, but she is doing it).

Please re-read all the posts, including your own...If someone else had written it, wouldn't you advise that person to heave that spouse out on her butt?
Others have said, and it's true: Her confusion is her decision. She has decided to keep torturing you. To keep all her options available.
to allow you to suffer. To keep disrespecting you in front of her work colleagues.
How does it feel to know she doesn't even try to protect your feelings or honor or standing as her life partner, by flaunting her disgusting affair in front of all her co-workers.

It makes me so mad for you. So angry.
I don't want to badmouth your wife and call her all the names she deserves, because I don't want your natural tendency to protect her/ defend her to rear up... because you love her, and it will.
I too was once where you are (duh, we all were) and I remember feeling sorry for my WH at the time because of his "confusion" and "agony" over the impossible situation he found himself in: in love with 2 women, through no fault of his own! (puke)
I urge you to please follow the advice above, and I will add my own:

Tell her you have decided, and she must leave now
Tell her this in a calm, respectful manner
That you love her, but you cannot continue one more minute in this situation---If she wishes to reconcile, you will consider it, but on your terms only. All contact with OM ends, or else no discussion.
Do not badmouth OM (makes the lover want to defend them).
Do this sober as a judge, so that you can maintain control (wish I had followed this advice).
I know how scary this is, I know, I remember, I can still feel it. I know deep in my heart, that if I had acted this way sooner (much much sooner) things would have turned out differently. It's too late for me, but maybe not for you.

Please gather your strength, and stand up for yourself. You deserve better than this.

Also, ouch, this might hurt, but see Bdell's thread about his own situation with his WS, and how she is acting; that's true remorse, and is almost unseen/ unheard of here... Your WS is following the more common cheater's path. To the letter.

TA


The cure for anything is Salt Water; Sweat, Tears and the Sea
Isak Dinesen

Posts: 747 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: PNW
jb3199
Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 6:18 AM, December 20th (Friday)

Stanley,

Just another person here echoing the great advice that you have received on this thread. I'll throw in my $0.02 to see if any of it resonates with you:

The term I described to myself when I first came here was a "codependent doormat". I was the man, so I HAD to be able to fix this. I was also the weakest member to ever join this site, because I couldn't---just COULDN'T---heed the advice that I was given.

Fast forward 2 years from my initial discovery. Yes, I had moments of strength, but when it came to making a hard decision, I couldn't do it. So much fear of losing what I(we) had. All the while, the same advice that you are receiving now, went mostly ignored---again, out of fear and love for my WW.

Finally, it hit me like a ton of bricks: I can't fix her---she has to do that herself. But I can fix me, and I certainly did not want to live my life like it was any longer. So I followed the advice given here, because at this point, I WAS ready to walk out the door for good. I hit my limit. And since that point, my life has resumed a near normal state.

Read what I stated here---TWO FUCKING YEARS!!!

How was that possible?!!! What did I fix in that time???

The truth is that I made it worse by my inactions. I didn't work on myself, and I didn't stand up for what was right. And when I see a post like yours, it all comes flooding back. I want to scream at my laptop so fucking loud, that you can hear me from any point in this country. Damaged71 couldn't put it any better---we have all lived this story, and we have the answers for you. We just have to get you to believe us.

This shit takes time. You don't have your world destroyed, only to pick up the pieces a few hours later. But if you keep reading here, and believe it as truth, then your recovery will start a lot faster.

You only control you. Your partner can come home today, pack her things, and leave with OM...and there is nothing that you can do about it. But if you work on yourself, realize that you WON'T live like this anymore, then it will be the difference between you begging her to stay, or helping her pack, so you can get her out of your house and your life. You deserve better---don't sell yourself short. One piece of advice you will see here over and over again, is that you have to be willing to lose your relationship in order to even have a chance to save it. Plain and simple, because she will NEVER change with the status quo. She has two men vying for her, which is an ego boost that she will never let go of.

Unless she is forced to. It's your call.

[This message edited by jb3199 at 7:43 AM, December 22nd (Sunday)]


BH-46
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2052 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
stanley
New Member
Member # 41695
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, December 20th (Friday)

Why can't I be mad right now! I read everyones advice and I feel like I should be pissed off but I'm not! All I feel is sadness and despair! I know what I need to do and how to do it I just can't seem to pull the trigger. All I can think about is how much I love her! I have ALWAYS been a know what to do, strong, tough, no tears kinda guy and this has reduced me down to nothing. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't make a decision. I can't function. just realized Christmas is five days away and I don't have our tree up yet. I haven't bought any gifts for anybody yet and I am at the end of my rope! I feel like I'm drowning in a dry pool! This is madness..

Posts: 13 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: NorthWest
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, December 20th (Friday)

Don't worry, stop putting up should be expectations on yourself.
stan, we're grieving with you.

Posts: 6570 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
suckstobeme
Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 11:45 PM, December 20th (Friday)

Stan, I'm so sorry. I know you think about how much you love her and that it can be hard to find your anger. I remember being so sad for so long after the world exploded. Nothing but sadness ensued for a long time after DDay. But, I filed for D anyway. I knew I couldn't let him chip away at my soul anymore and that the husband I knew and believed I had was long gone, replaced by a cruel, heartless monster. Even through the sadness, I knew I had to protect myself from any more of his damage.

It's ok to be sad now. It's expected really. At the same time, don't let any emotion - sadness or anger - paralyze you. Believe me, sitting in this horrid limbo position where you hope like hell that she will come back soon, is no place to be. Limbo is the worst. She has all the control in limbo land while you do nothing but wait and hope. Once you do what needs to be done to take back your control, you will still be sad, you will eventually become angry, but guess what? You will also find peace.

I lived for a few agonizing months in limbo. The day he finally moved out, I slept better that night than I had in a long while. I didn't have to worry anymore about whether he would come home, or whether he would come home drunk. I didn't have to listen to his lies anymore. I didn't have that weak in the knees feeling when he didn't answer a call or a text. I wasn't looking anymore for the next sign of the A to hit me in the face.

I was still sad after he left. Truth be told, I still get sad on occasion and it's three years later.

But my life is no longer plagued by that asshole who looks and sounds exactly like the man I once knew as my husband. This man now? He's no one I would ever want in my life. He saw my pain - he SAW - and he chose to ignore me. He chose to treat me like I didn't matter and that I was nothing but a bother in my own husbands life. He abused me just like she is abusing you.

You can't fix her, my friend. You are already standing directly in the eye of the storm. Start taking cover.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2788 | Registered: Jan 2011
booger bear
Member
Member # 26584
Default  Posted: 12:44 AM, December 21st (Saturday)

Welcome. You are in the right place. We will do all we can to help you.

Please take care of yourself, stat hydrated, eat, try to sleep. Don't make any rash or hurried decisions about what to do with your relationship. Everything is in emotional fast forward at warp speed. Wait. Breathe. Take care of you. Hold her to the no contact, absolutely NO CONTACT with OM. Read up on the 180, it is hard to do by it helps, it really is a soul saver(was for me)

(((stanley)))


I am fiercely independent and I won’t apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18766 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: OK - Hot as hell here !!!!!!
self-rescuer
Member
Member # 35059
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, December 21st (Saturday)

Of course you're sad. You are not only in shock but you are grieving. The sorrow is like nothing any of us had felt before.

It took me a long time to become angry. Actually, it took me months. But the pain and sadness directed my actions. My ex, like your wayward, told me he could not decide between me and the OW. It was this declaration that made me kick him out of the house. Mind you, I'd been married for 25 years and considered him my one true love. Also, I would have done ANYTHING to save our marriage. But his decision - not to make a decision - and keep me in absolute hell, made me know I had to protect my heart.

Having him out of the house gave me space and time to consider my next step. Remember, if the cheater is remorseful they must do the hard work of regaining our trust. My ex was not up for the task so my options were made clear.

So my suggestion is to give yourself space to sort yourself out. No one here doubts your love for your partner. But love should never equal pain. Know that we see your worth and value. Know that you can lean on us until you begin to see them again as well.


BW 53 WXH 56 & still bewildered
D-Day 9-15-11
Divorce 3-13-13

Just trust yourself, then you will know how to live.
~ Goethe


Posts: 504 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: the south
happyman64
Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, December 21st (Saturday)

Stanley

You are in shock but you will get over that feeling of despair when you show your wife consequences.

Tell her to go to the OM.

Report their drug abuse and alcohol abuse on the job to their manager.

Let the OMW know about their affair.

Start thinking with your head and not your heart.
Take action and you will slowly start to feel better.

You deserve better Stanley. Demand better from others.

Let her give sloppy seconds to someone else. She is being selfish and disrespectful towards you.

HM


Posts: 849 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
Firewalker
Member
Member # 18804
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, December 21st (Saturday)

Stanley, when my marriage was coming apart I reconnected with a former neighbor. Her husband was dying of cancer. We were both coming to terms with saying goodbye to our partners. I used to look at her and say to myself---well, at least I'm not going through that. I think she had the same thoughts about me.

The day I filed for divorce I also found myself at her husband's funeral. She was surrounded by her family and hundreds of friends. For hours, people spoke about the wonderful man her husband had been and how much he loved her. She left that service physically, emotionally and spiritually supported. I left alone and went to my lawyer's office. I had been wrong. I was the one in the worst situation.

I have a feeling you may be asking yourself how you could endure your wife's illness and death and yet have this situation take you down. Infidelity is unique in that it combines the three wounds of the soul----betrayal, abandonment and shame. It is a triple whammy that those who have not experienced cannot appreciate.

Be gentle with yourself. Sadness is not a weaker state that anger. Under all sadness is anger----needs were not met. Expectations were not fulfilled. The future has changed.....forever.


Posts: 130 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Florida
momentintime
Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, December 21st (Saturday)

She has no incentive to choose or change her behavior, because for her there have been no consequences. You know, you forgave, you wait on her deciding to pick you, and she continues to disrespect you and even says she won't promise not to be intimate with him. She has the balls to do this because you are letting her decide everything and she isn't feeling like she will have to pay.


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2964 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, December 21st (Saturday)

Stanley...

Hey Bro....welcome to SI....have you read the healing library? If not...please do...yes...the whole damn thing.....then reread it again....

Your wife...she still in her affair? the OM....he married? His wife needs to know.....

First thing you need to do is do everything you can do to get the affair over.....everything!! The 180 is a really good place to start....that....and exposure...Your wife is a fog....theyre soulmates.....belong together.. ...yada...yada...yada..

Shes seeing rainbows...unicorns ....pots of gold.....and its all bullshit. Affairs are an escape from reality.....and she needs a "reality check"...my FWW didn't defog until I filed for divorce.....and I did a lot of the wrong things before I discovered this website...a lot!!

Dude...you will NOT nice guy her back....nor will crying and begging work....expose the affair...and hit the 180 really hard....if shes still with the OM - file for divorce...a lot of divorces get filed - that never get to the final hearing....mine is like that.

I have done the 180 on two separate wives - both cheaters....one ended in divorce (my choice) and the other on to a really good "R"....as she did all the right things to win my back.....this R thing is a really long and hard road....BUT It can happen....feel free to read my story in my profile - the 180 does work. It is not a secret plan to get your wifes head out of her ass - just that is what frequently what happens....its designed to allow you to detach from a toxic relationship - and having a wife that has a BF is VERY TOXIC!!!

Time to go "alpha male" on your wife - let her know what you will tolerate and what you wont....set limitations and boundaries...and be prepared to back them up...

Know this is not your fault....

Keep us posted....

Bufffalo

[This message edited by bufffalo at 10:31 PM, December 24th (Tuesday)]


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5822 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, December 21st (Saturday)

double post.....oops...

[This message edited by bufffalo at 2:12 PM, December 22nd (Sunday)]


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5822 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, December 23rd (Monday)

Stanley.....just checkin' on you.

Bufffalo


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5822 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
stanley
New Member
Member # 41695
Default  Posted: 3:06 AM, December 24th (Tuesday)

Thank you to EVERYONE who has posted advice to me. I was desperate to have a voice and to be heard and I stumbled on this site by accident. It has been exactly what I need. Thank you especially to Bufffalo for checking up on me. I am lost at the moment because she won't communicate with me until after Christmas is over and at the moment I am in the I don't give a shit, fuck it stage so I will be focusing on the kids and trying to keep a smiley face until we can talk about this again. The only bright spot is the pencil dick she's torn over has left town for the holidays with his wife and won't be back for a couple of weeks. This will give me the time I need to "grow a pair" and say what needs to be said. She is beginning to make it easier for me to be angry now because she is acting like she's the queen of control. I think she is mistaking my sadness and hurt spirit for weakness and in doing so she is only hardening my heart towards her. So far everyone has been right on the mark about what she is doing and how she is acting. I know what I have to do, it just goes against the way I feel about her and how much I love her. I will just keep rereading these posts, because each time I do It strengthens me to do what I know needs to be done! Thank you again to everyone!

Posts: 13 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: NorthWest
still-living
Member
Member # 30434
Default  Posted: 5:17 AM, December 24th (Tuesday)

Stan,
A wise man once told me, "you are what you were when you were value programmed, and you are value programmed between the ages of approximately 7 and 17, and the only exception to this is when a person experiences a major life traumatic event such as rape, murder, near death experience, divorce, death of a child or spouse etc." My point is, I recommend that you take a good, practical look at her history to see the pattern. You might find that you are precisely the type of person she likes to pray on. Also, you can't nice her into changing herself. This event needs to be traumatic for her, enough for her to self assess and realize the way she's been doing it hasn't been working for her, and then change. You can be respectful, yes, but she needs a full dose of reality, not nice.

Also, the brain chemistry is a battle, you need to reinforce no contact big time. She is addicted to him because of the brain chemistry.

[This message edited by still-living at 5:19 AM, December 24th (Tuesday)]


BH(me)47
WW 47 FOO Issues
DDay 11/09 Coworker
High School Sweethearts
Married 06/91
8 months TT
Sons 19 and 14
Recovery is constructing a pyramid of inference from which to see clearer.
The process involves using the reflexive loop.

Posts: 737 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ches
7yrsflushed
Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, December 24th (Tuesday)

Glad your doing relatively okay Stanley. This shit sucks and it will suck for awhile. Take care of yourself and your kids. Remember your WW does not get to control how you deal with the shit sandwich she laid in your lap. She is either 100% in or she isn't in at all. Best of luck and keep posting it really does help.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1902 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, December 24th (Tuesday)

Stan,
Try to stay focused on your needs and your kids. Your wife will demonstrate her true stripes over time with actions not words. You can't control her or the outcome directly. Please care for yourself, this shut sucks let alone during the holiday.
LHAP?


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1897 | Registered: Nov 2010
cliffside
Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, December 24th (Tuesday)

I just read through your story and am so angered by this woman's actions and complete and utter disregard for you and your children.
My FWH was one that became remorseful and threw the OW under the bus. If he acted like your WW I would have kicked his ass to the curb.
You're not married, right? I would make her a lovely Christmas card that says this:

I can not be in a relationship with a drug abusing whore. It sets a bad example for my children. Therefore, I'm giving you a week to find yourself a place to live.

Merry Christmas!

If she gets angry with you for calling her that ask her what she would call a woman who does drugs and has sex with married men?

You deserve so much better.... Re-read all of the messages on here daily. You'll soon see that she is a cliche' - they're all pretty much the same, unfortunately.


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 269 | Registered: Mar 2013
jb3199
Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, December 24th (Tuesday)

Have you read up on the 180? It is in The Healing Library, Betrayed Spouse FAQ #11...I think.

I didn't see it mentioned in the previous posts, so if I missed it, just ignore the following.

The 180 is a detachment tool. It will help you distance yourself emotionally from your partner, and will let you see things in a much clearer light. It is also extreme counterintuitive to the newly betrayed's mindset:

I know what I have to do, it just goes against the way I feel about her and how much I love her.

That is how we all felt when we started this mess. That is what the 180 is there for---not to win your WS back, but to get you on the road to recovery. And being that your current method has not been working well(don't worry---we ALL have done this), what have you got to lose?

It comes down to the damned textbook behavior of a wayward mindset. If you do stand up for yourself, and refuse to allow her continued behavior, one of two things is going to happen---(1)she will wake up from her poor behavior, or (2)she will not. Being that you can only control yourself, and not her, you have to prepare yourself for option number two. And the faster that you get yourself emotionally detached, the faster your recovery.

You may be asking yourself: "If I do detach from her, won't I drive her away? Also, will I be able to reconnect with her, if she does commit to me?"

The answer to the first question is a resounding "NO". If she chooses to leave you due to you standing up for what should minimally be expected from a partner, then there was nothing to save. Would you want a partner that wouldn't fight for you---especially after they cruelly betrayed you?

The second part of the question---can you reconnect after disengaging, is entirely up to you. But remember, the important part of that equation is that if you do decide to recommit to her---if she pulls her head out of her ass, and recommits to you---is that it will be of your own free CHOICE....not one motivated by fear of losing her. That, my friend, is what we call a healthy choice.

Keep us posted. We know how much "easier said than done" this really is. It is a nightmare that seems impossible to escape, but you can. And you will.


BH-46
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2052 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, December 24th (Tuesday)

Stanley, your last post was very encouraging. I think you now realize that this is a power struggle and the one who is prepared to risk and potentially lose all, will triumph. If you can't metaphorically bring your wife off that pedestal of arrogance and superiority she will not regain any respect for you.

I won't sugarcoat it, you are in for a lot of pain. Most of us have been through this ordeal but you will come out stronger and equally determined that you won't let her dump over you ever again. just keep posting; we are all fervently supporting you.


Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
self-rescuer
Member
Member # 35059
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, December 24th (Tuesday)

She is beginning to make it easier for me to be angry now because she is acting like she's the queen of control.

That you can recognize this is great. For many of us it took far too long to get to this point.

Keep reminding yourself that you are enough, enough, enough. We all see it and want you to see it as well.

And keep posting updates. There are so many of us who are in your corner.


BW 53 WXH 56 & still bewildered
D-Day 9-15-11
Divorce 3-13-13

Just trust yourself, then you will know how to live.
~ Goethe


Posts: 504 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: the south
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 2:02 AM, December 26th (Thursday)

Stan....

the pencil dick she's torn over has left town for the holidays with his wife and won't be back for a couple of weeks.

Dude.....does the OMs wife know of the affair? Have you talked to her?

Your wife is NOT a good source of this information....cheaters lie.

One more question....are "they" still in any contact....any at all???

R...should you choose that.... WILL NOT happen if they are in any contact...

Keep us posted....you have received a lot of good advice here...from a lot of folks that have BTDT (been there done that)...all affairs are different...BUT some of the patterns of behavior are the same...its almost as if the cheaters have a handbook they read first....

You will NOT nice guy her back...lay down what you expect from your wife - be prepared to back it up....No...I didn't want a divorce...wanted a cheatin' wife even less...KWIM?

My wife didn't want to "discuss her affair" either....shit...I told here that's ok...."you can listen".....then proceeded to "draw that line in the dirt"....like Travis at the Alamo - let her know what you expect....your expectations and your limitations, Bro.....banging some other "swinging dick" is a no-no in my book - should be in yours, too...then act accordingly....

I have cattle...(yeah...im a redneck) one of my cows jump the fence to visit the neighbors bull - shes goin to the sale - I hold my wife to the same principle....."honey - im cuttin' you loose as long as your bangin' some other dude".....

Shes in a deep fog...rainbows, unicorns, warm fuzzies and bullshit....she needs a "reality check".....and fast...Bettin' you've heard the "ILYBINILWY" speech - yeah...its fantasy bullshit too....right outta the cheaters handbook.....My FWW pulled that "soulmates" line too....of course "youre soulmates"..."meant to be together"....yada....yada...otherwise youre a whore.....KWIM?

Stan..until I got a "snotting, blubbering, crying, im SO sorry I hurt you, mascara dripping off her chin" apology.....I was in a full court press 180.....and I lawyered up.....im certainly not a fan of "sloppy seconds"....if my wife doesn't think im the greatest thing since "cleavage and sliced bread".....I don't want her either...."fake it till you make it", bro....shes gonna hump your leg as long as you let her....(pun intended ...OK?)...

Not trying to 2x4 ya here....nor am I tryin to beat you up....

Lots of good advice here....seen this play out over and over here on SI over the years...

3 in a marriage is one too many.....

Keep us posted, Bro....

Bufffalo


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5822 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
stanley
New Member
Member # 41695
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, December 26th (Thursday)

Ok, so I am ready to confront her with an ultimatum and make her choose him or me. I am ready to stand by my decision to do this and more importantly I'm ready stand up and walk away if I have too. What I need help and reassurance with is this, "Can or should I give her time to process my ultimatum?" Do I give her an hour, a day, a week? Any and all thoughts on this would be helpful!!!

Posts: 13 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: NorthWest
crisp
Member
Member # 34236
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, December 26th (Thursday)

No time-line is necessary. Just tell her that you cannot live and love someone who has another love interest. Start the process of disengaging. If and when she decides to try to jump aboard the moving train as it leaves the station, you have the choice of possibly helping her aboard. That is your choice. What is not your choice is whether she wants to try with you.

Start disengaging, let her know and move on with your life. You will arrive in a safe place. It might be with her and it might be without her. Start the journey to the safe place now, otherwise you will be prolonging the pain and putting off the healing.


Endeavor to persevere. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=csEzTwKemwY

Posts: 382 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: NE US
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, December 26th (Thursday)

I would give two minutes (if that much).

Do not make it an ultimatum between you and OM. She already chose you when you got married so an ultimatum treats it like you and OM are somehow on equal footing vying for your WW''s affections. Guaranteed that will just feed her ego even more.

The question is whether she is willing to do what it necessary to keep you as a husband because after all of this crap she is, in all honestly, lucky you even want her. Permanent and immediate NC with OM is just the beginning, correct? Also "choosing" between you and OM makes it more about her and what she wants. This is about what you are no longer willing to accept.

She''s got some serious work to do fix her crap. She''s played on your hopes of R and made you afraid of alienating her. Enough is enough. She needs to grow the hell up and treat you and your kids better.

p.s. I would even go so far as to recommend you not put this to her as a choice or decision at all. Just get your ducks in a row and file for legal separation and tell her "You said <various insane things about OM and the A> and made it clear you''re not remorseful for the incredible hurt you''ve inflicted, you''re not motivated to do any work to rebuild the trust you broke so what did you expect?"

[This message edited by Brandon808 at 1:33 PM, December 26th, 2013 (Thursday)]


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3785 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
crisp
Member
Member # 34236
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, December 26th (Thursday)

The reason why ultimatum time frames are not helpful is that any response is "all talk." What you need in any reconciliation is action. Such action includes both active efforts and cessation of certain behaviors. Both of these thing take time to manifest themselves, if they even begin at all. Just tell her what is up and start moving on. You will either see effort from her or you won't. You will be able to make decisions based on how you feel as you move on from infidelity. DO NOT stop your detachment just because she says something--consistent repeated action is required before you should even consider letting her back in.


Endeavor to persevere. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=csEzTwKemwY

Posts: 382 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: NE US
sudra
Member
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, December 26th (Thursday)

Don't give her a timeframe, and don't give her an ultimatum. Simply tell her you cannot remain in a marriage with another man in it. Tell her it's over and disengage.

If she wants you, she will let you know, and she will show you with her actions. If she does, you can decide if you still want her.

And really, would you be comfortable with her if it takes her a week to decide if she wants you? That's just demeaning.

[This message edited by sudra at 1:44 PM, December 26th (Thursday)]


Me (BW) (55), Him(SAWH) (58)
Married 22 years, 1 son (19), 1 stepdaughter (27)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1465 | Registered: Nov 2010
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, December 26th (Thursday)

WElocme Stan - I have to chime in here, and offer my 2 cents worth, and you can take it or leave it, but Bufffalo has given you excellent advice, as usual.

So you are finding your voice, and you are no longer so broken by what she has done that you can actually think halfway straight. Great. NOW WHAT?!?!?

Now you tell her you deserve more, and you demand more. You will no longer be a 3rd person in your relationship, if she wants to carry on the A, great, have at it, and there's the door, and I will be happy to hefty bag your shit up for you. If you want to stay great, but the deal is absolutley no more contact with this other douche, and she sends a NC email/letter/phonecall immediately. If not there's the door.

If I understand right you are not married so that makes throwing her out easier legally. Also busting this thing wide open to all involved, or being affected by it helps tremendously when it's time to bring it to an end. That means telling the other man's wife, and if your kids are adults, letting them know at a minimum that you are having relationship issues.

Next you need to see your Dr and get some pharmaceutical support if you are having trouble with the basic three, sleeping, eating, and staying hydrated. If you can't do this you cant and won't think straight. You need to sleep you need a minimum of 800 calories daily. If you don't want antidepressants that's fine, but at least get something to take the edge of the anxiety you are experiencing.

I can tell you that even taking a hard nosed approach to R. Can be fraught with missteps, and pain, but R can be possible if you demand the respect you deserve, if you don't she will continue to cakeeat, and abuse you. Yes this is a form of abuse.

Take time for you every day, do something nice for you every day. You will survive this, with or without her, and like all major life traumas you will be stronger, smarter, and even more capable when you recover from it.

If she is willing to jump in with both feet be prepared with your list of expectations so you can immediately work toward healing.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8420 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Getting to Happy
Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, December 26th (Thursday)

Buffalo said this better than I could:

Stan....

the pencil dick she's torn over has left town for the holidays with his wife and won't be back for a couple of weeks.

Dude.....does the OMs wife know of the affair? Have you talked to her?

Your wife is NOT a good source of this information....cheaters lie.

One more question....are "they" still in any contact....any at all???

R...should you choose that.... WILL NOT happen if they are in any contact...

Please inform the other BS. It is imperative. Their trashy tryst cannot survive the light of truth.

I feel for you Stanly, putting up with a lover in the fog. A shit sandwich for sure!

Please grow your pair soon. I hate to see you disrespected. Take care my friend.


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, December 26th (Thursday)

Stanley, everyone here is right about telling his wife. If she had been the one to discover the affair, how would you feel if she didn't tell you, and the affair continued, and she knew it, and she still didn't tell you? You would be very angry, and somewhat humiliated because everyone knew but you.

Here's another thing about not letting his wife know the truth: You are helping him. That's right - you are keeping his secret from his wife. You are protecting him. Don't do it.

Remember, you would want to know, no matter what.

Do NOT tell your wife you will be letting OBS (other betrayed spouse) know. She will tell OM, and he will make up something about you being crazy and jealous and all kinds of nonsense. Just tell her. Then tell your wife you've told.

If you're worried about angering your wife, don't. All WSs threaten to leave if you tell. They all try to manipulate it. They are protecting their AP. They didn't leave you yet so they aren't going to because you told OBS. In fact, in the 3 years since my DDay, I have yet to see one WS that left because OBS was told. I'm not saying it's never happened, but I've never seen it.

You may have heard she is crazy, or unstable, or doesn't care because they have an open marriage. You may have heard they're married in name only, or that she has attempted suicide before, or that she is violent and will lash out at your wife. The reality is she's just like you - a loving spouse that is being destroyed behind her back by OM.

If you can say, honestly, that you would rather not know, then don't tell her. If you are glad you have the truth, no matter how much it hurts, because it's better than the lies you were fed, then tell her. She will feel the same way.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, December 26th (Thursday)

Regarding giving her one last chance to make the right choice:

I agree with not doing it as an ultimatum. Simply tell her that you are done being a part of this sick relationship. Tell her that you have decided that you will not spend one more minute as a married man whose wife has a boyfriend - not one more minute. Therefore, the ball is in her court. She can choose her marriage and the life you and she built, or she can choose being a married man's mistress, but she cannot choose both. YOU will no longer be disrespected, and YOU will no longer tolerate selfishness from someone that claims to love you. You are done, and you have boundaries.

If she asks for ANY time at all to think about it, say 'sure' and then grab a trash bag and start putting her things in it. When she gets upset and asks what you are doing, tell her you're helping her to go wherever she's going while she thinks about it, because she will NOT stay where you are. Let her know you are dead serious, and you are taking action now. No more doormat, no more time given, no more being told that there will be no discussions. No, YOU are controlling your world now, not her.

You can do this Stanley. You really can, and you will feel so much better as soon as you do it, no matter what she says in response.



The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Abbondad
Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, December 26th (Thursday)

Start the journey to the safe place now, otherwise you will be prolonging the pain and putting off the healing

Stanley,

Just caught up with your thread. I'm so sorry you are going through this shit. You are being abused. Pure and simple. I gave my STBX ultimatum after ultimatum. Once she realized after the first one had passed with no follow-through by me, it was a free license for her to continue her affair, and it just got worse and worse.

In hindsight I would have given her one ultimatum--him or me and our children--and then been on the phone with my attorney. One minute to decide. Then keep the divorce process going to the very bang of the judge's gavel. Her actions between the ultimatum and the gavel will show you in no uncertain terms what she wants her life to be.

Don't be me.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1610 | Registered: Dec 2012
Abbondad
Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, December 26th (Thursday)

you are probably wondering how it's possible that we are all saying the exact same thing.

It's the playbook. Cheaters follow a script. It's shocking how all these situations are similar. All of these people cheating think they are setting the world on fire and they are out on the edge doing something new and unique.

Folks here can probably tell you with shocking accuracy what your WW is going to do next. It's because their WW did it too, guess what, so did mine.

For us this is a movie we have seen a few hundred times. We KNOW how it ends. We know what all the characters are going to do. When know when the bad guy is on the other side of the door.

This is the same as us yelling at the screen trying to warn the hero of the story. We know what's going to happen please take the advice of the people here.

Stanley,

Damaged's post looks so familiar I believe he posted it to my thread at some point in the past year when I was exactly where you were. Please believe every word of it. I did not at the time. The stories are identical. The people here really did tell me firmly and unerringly what would happen. I did not listen because I was certain they could not possibly know. My situation was different. It wasn't, Stanley.

Remove yourself from this pain. I assure you, it gets unimaginably worse.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1610 | Registered: Dec 2012
self-rescuer
Member
Member # 35059
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, December 29th (Sunday)

Stanley? Just checking on you. Update when you can.


BW 53 WXH 56 & still bewildered
D-Day 9-15-11
Divorce 3-13-13

Just trust yourself, then you will know how to live.
~ Goethe


Posts: 504 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: the south
stanley
New Member
Member # 41695
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, December 30th (Monday)

Ok, so I read everyones advice about not giving an ultimatum to her. I am so glad I am not acting and doing these things before I get counsel on them. In retrospect everyones advice makes sense, it's just that I am amazed at how fuzzy my brain gets when it comes to this and thinking clearly is no longer normal for me. We had another long talk and in doing so I have realized that she is not only using blameshifting to turn her affair back towards me but it is something she has always used in our arguments in our previous conflicts. I just never knew what it was and how it applied. It is like being slapped upside the head for being hysterically stupid! She had the nerve to tell me that I should get off my high horse and stop being the victim! She also told me she didn't like the fact that I was "sharing" our personal problems with strangers on the internet and in one of my very rare moments of clarity, I responded to her by saying That I didn't like the fact that she was "sharing" her mouth and her vagina with another man's penis! Needless to say she couldn't blameshift that! The conversation was essentially over after that, but at least my balls have dropped back down and I am not feeling like a pushover any longer. She still is not showing remorse, but I can see the struggle she is having internally and my confidence is growing daily as well as the callus on my heart!

Posts: 13 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: NorthWest
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, December 30th (Monday)

She had the nerve to tell me that I should get off my high horse and stop being the victim!
And what if that means making that final break and kicking her out of your life forever? Would she be so insistent then?


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3785 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
stanley
New Member
Member # 41695
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, January 1st (Wednesday)

Happy New Year I just spent the last six hours listening to how this "just" happened and I didn't want this, that I forced her into this because I was neglecting her! That she wanted to love me but I wasn't trying hard enough and she doesn't really love him he's just fulfilling her needs right now and fucking give me a break I sat there and played her game with her doing everything the way I shouldn't have and it just freakin hit me. I tuned her out and started thinking about all I have read here and all the support and wisdom you guys and gals have given me and at 6:02am I interupted her and I said you know what I have had enough, Fuck you! You are no longer worthy of my love and understanding! and I walked out! I have completely blown past angry to I don't know what. What I do know is I have more than earned my way out of this mess and I do not want to look back! I have been a naive fool for so long and I can guarantee you that if I hadn't have searched out for help here I would have been in this shitpile for a very long time!!! I feel like puking right now but, I feel better for some reason too. No more thinking for me until I can sleep!

Posts: 13 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: NorthWest
toomanyregrets
Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, January 1st (Wednesday)

Finally !!
You've taken a step in the right direction.
Now it's all up to your WW.

I think this is a great comeback," I responded to her by saying That I didn't like the fact that she was "sharing" her mouth and her vagina with another man's penis! ".

Really tells it like it is.

See your lawyer ASAP, in fact see a few, the more you talk to, the fewer your WW can hire.

[This message edited by toomanyregrets at 8:24 AM, January 2nd (Thursday)]


BH - 64
fWW - 60

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 466 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, January 1st (Wednesday)

toomanyregrets gave some sound advice there


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3785 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
stanley
New Member
Member # 41695
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)

Here is the email she sent me after I told her F you, you don't deserve my love and understanding. Does any one have any thoughts or interpretations on this. Now that I am in full blown anger, nuclear meltdown stage, I see everything as negative and F it, and F you. So in essence I still can't think straight. Here is what she wrote... "Hi, I am truly sorry for all the pain I have caused you! I Never wanted to cause you or anyone else any pain. I can not change any of the choices I have made and I know I have made a lot of bad choices. If you think this is easy for me, or that I am not dying inside as well, you are wrong. To have to let go of so much history, you are a part of my family- how ever weird that may sound, is unthinkable to me right now. I am numb. I think- you think, I am having this wonderful grande time, (rainbows and unicorns is what you said) when the fact is I am barely functioning and it shows. Your right I am in a fog. I have no right to ask or expect you to be willing to wait for the fog to clear. You need a resolution/decision/choice immediately, but for me, to be put on the spot to make a decision right this minute, is more than I can handle. I have made so many bad choices lately- I don't want to make it worse, if that is possible. To make a pressured, pushed, hurried, impulsive decision would be a mistake. I am sorry- I need time, I am confused, I don't have an answer. I am in a big mess, and those kind of decisions are what got me here. I know I hurt you terribly and I do feel so so bad. To say goodbye and never have contact again, is also so unthinkable to me, but I have no right to ask anything of YOU. I am not going to fight you on your decisions because I know this is what you need to do for YOU."
I can't interpret this because I'm so angry,I am holding on to the anger so the old me doesn't do the usual obvious stupid thing. I don't know what the right thing is to do? HELP!!!

Posts: 13 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: NorthWest
JustWow
Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)

I read it as pure victim bullshit speak. See, she might want to believe she made impulsive decisions to have an A, maybe she did, maybe she didn't. THAT choice was her bad choice. It betrayed her vows (which presumably she did not make rashly), she betrayed you and betrayed herself. Telling her to stop NOW or get lost is not asking too much. Boo f-ing hoo to her.

Tell her not making a decision IS a decision. You have your answer. Bakery closed on your end.

So sorry stanley, she's clinging to a false self-image and image of her A.


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3616 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
jb3199
Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)

Stanley----What do you want?

Be honest with yourself, and look at the best possible outcome from where you stand right now.

If you have had enough, and want to divorce at this point, then the path is easy from here. Through the state laws and processes, you work on dissolving the marriage.

But if reconciliation is the goal, in my opinion, you still have to work toward the path of dissolution....although it doesn't have to be as rapid as possible. It starts with you giving yourself ultimatums---how much you will or will not tolerate, as she "tries" to defog. I always believed in a set of bare minimums....rebuilding blocks....if you will. Things like No Contact, a verbal promise of recommitment to you and the marriage, Individual Counseling for her, and so on. These are things that we shouldn't have to ask of our exclusive partners, but alas, here we are....doing just that. But at least it is a starting point. Without these minimums, consider it to be a total LACK of commitment, and proceed toward the inevitable(divorce).

I will go into detail on my next post, but I wanted you to at least consider what I am saying. Don't accept the current status quo. Have her commit...knowing that there is a LOT of work along the way...or head in the opposite direction.


BH-46
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2052 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
trojan007
Member
Member # 36960
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)

I totally agree with justwow, she's telling you stop playing the victim. What an insult. That right there shows she has no respect any concern from you and your feeling. She's well aware of what she's been doing. don't forget that and now she's playing the victim. Filed for divorce and apply the 180

Posts: 58 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Valencia, CA 91355
bestbecameworst
Member
Member # 31507
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)

Stanley - kick her out. NOW. Please. My WS is heading out the door tomorrow and I am going to lose all my retirement funds to support him financially for just over a year but I am holding my breath waiting for him to go. I found out about the A 3 years ago. I wish I'd kicked him out the night I found out and divorced him immediately. Once they repair the damage they have (and they have damage self inflicted not your fault!) then and only then, if you love her, can you even consider reconciling. IMHO.

BBW

PS hUGS and

She also told me she didn't like the fact that I was "sharing" our personal problems with strangers on the internet and in one of my very rare moments of clarity, I responded to her by saying That I didn't like the fact that she was "sharing" her mouth and her vagina with another man's penis!
was effing BRILLIANT.


Me: BS
Together since 1997, married Jan 2010, EA started Feb 2010, PA June 2010
D-day1 Oct 20 2010 / D-day2 Oct 21 2010 and following week / found this site Mar 2011
He didn't do work to reconcile.
DIVORCED in 2014 and HAPPY!

Posts: 595 | Registered: Mar 2011
bestbecameworst
Member
Member # 31507
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)

PS and by damage I mean SHE has an ego or whatever problem, and needs help. You can't provide it. But she can drag you down. I was the codependent fixer in our relationship and I am now for the first time in my life having mental health issues. Do not go there, there be dragons...


Me: BS
Together since 1997, married Jan 2010, EA started Feb 2010, PA June 2010
D-day1 Oct 20 2010 / D-day2 Oct 21 2010 and following week / found this site Mar 2011
He didn't do work to reconcile.
DIVORCED in 2014 and HAPPY!

Posts: 595 | Registered: Mar 2011
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)

The brass nerve. From reading her e-mail I gather she is saying that, in essence she cannot choose between you and the OM. At this moment she is in a deep fog and just cannot select the 'lucky' candidate. You will need to wait until she is in a better frame of mind, then you will be notified of her decision. Of course, she dispenses sexual favors to the OM while she deliberates on her situation.

Then she asks you to understand how much pain she is in knowing she is going to have to disappoint one of the candidates for her affections. Such arrogance.
The process of falling in love with the OM was not immediate, she allowed it to happen and so created the present dilemma.
I suppose she agonizes about being torn between two lovers etc.

I would file tomorrow. You should have more pride and self-esteem than accept such insulting behavior.


Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)

My response?

*Crickets*

Cut her out of your life without another word. Why? Because her response is a load of self-serving delusional crap. You''re supposed to feel bad for her "pain". Is she for real? Do not get sucked into any kind of debate or discussion.

It should be simple. She should be able to see she made a bad decision in cheating on you with OM. She should be able to see undoing that decision is the right choice. She doesn''t. Why? Because she doesn''t want to give up OM or you. She wants more time to cake-eat. What she wants is for one of you to either "win" her or cut her loose so she doesn''t have to be an adult and make the decision. These are the actions of a child. A thoughtless child who made a horrible mess and wants sympathy for feeling bad about the mess and then whines when told they have clean it up.

You deserve better. You''ve given her more than one chance to try to hold on to you. She is the one who killed the relationship you had. What you wanted her to do was to choose to try to build a new relationship. She won''t do that. Move on.

Oh, and she claims she can''t make a decision. Guess what...that IS a decision.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3785 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
RealityStinks
Member
Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)

Brandon808 +1

She wants more time to cake-eat. What she wants is for one of you to either "win" her or cut her loose so she doesn't have to be an adult and make the decision. These are the actions of a child. A thoughtless child who made a horrible mess and wants sympathy for feeling bad about the mess and then whines when told they have clean it up.

I whole heartedly agree, but pulling triggers and setting things in motion is hard. I have no doubt I could "win" my WW back, but I am not playing that game. It's me or him, make up your mind. Period. I'm not interested until then.

stanley - I feel your pain. I've got a string of texts that are almost verbatim what your email says. I think it's Chapter 4 in the cheater's handbook. And it's all bullshit. I'm confused?? Heard that a million times. So, I unconfused my WW.

I told my WW to get out. I've felt better since. I also told her I've got a time limit, and then I'm out. That limit is coming up soon. You have to push them off the darn fence, or they'll just sit on it forever (what it seems like in my case).

You have to "draw the line in the sand" and stick to it. Otherwise, you're setting yourself up for this to happen again one day.

Good luck brother.


Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
painpaingoaway
Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)

Hi Stanley,

Welcome to SI. I am so very sorry for your pain.

I can't interpret this because I'm so angry
Let us help you.

IMO, what her bullshit letter says is this:

I need to buy time to see how things are going to work out with the OP. He is still with his wife, and I need to see if he will commit to me and dump his wife. If he will commit to me and dump his wife, then I am going to dump you Stanley. But I need time to see how this will play out. Because if I dump you right now, and things don't work out with the OP, then I will have no one. So, I have keep you, Stanley, on the hook until things are settled.

Stanley, you MUST come down hard. You can not waiver. The only hope of saving this marriage (if that is what you want) is to be willing to lose it.

In my case, it wasn't until I saw a lawyer, and then moved out, that my H realized that I meant business. He suddenly found his 'remorse', and was literally on the floor, crying, holding onto my feet, begging me not to divorce him.


Stanley, "you must do the thing you think you can not do". Eleanor Roosevelt

Stay strong Stanley, you can do this.

PPGA

[This message edited by painpaingoaway at 8:52 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)]


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7056 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
Twitchy
Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, January 3rd (Friday)

Her inability to deside is her decision. She cannot give up her OM and commit to you. Tell her that. Reply with something like:

"If you cannot deside to be with me, then you're telling me you cannot be without him. I cannot accept a relationship with you on those turns. If you need time, you got it. All the time in the world. The D papers will be sent shortly. Good bye."

Then crickets. Let her stew.

[This message edited by Twitchy at 8:14 AM, January 3rd (Friday)]


BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot


Posts: 627 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, January 3rd (Friday)

Staley......

Your wifes fog, you want her out? heres how:

Dude.....does the OMs wife know of the affair? Have you talked to her?

Your wife is NOT a good source of this information....cheaters lie.

One more question....are "they" still in any contact....any at all???

R...should you choose that.... WILL NOT happen if they are in any contact...


Your wife is a cake eater....

To make a pressured, pushed, hurried, impulsive decision would be a mistake. I am sorry- I need time, I am confused, I don't have an answer.

This is WW code for "my OM hasn't left his wife yet"....

You have the power to turn off that oven - and take away her fork.

You need to knock her off that fence....she needs a reality check. She is disrespecting both you and your marriage....

My wife sounded just like yours.....till I had her served papers. Set your limitations - convey them to her - then....back It up. I heard the same old bullshit....blameshifting, the rewriting of our marital history...

I NEVER once believed that crap either.....as long as she is in any contact with the OM....or believes that soulmate bullshit....R will NOT happen....

You have 3 in your marriage - time to get your ass out. You filing for divorce will NOT push them together - hell, theyre together now....

Your wife is in a ego stroking, escape from reality...shits and giggles affair - till her fog lifts...shes just humping your leg....I think its time for you to quit trying to reason with her - with the unicorns, rainbows and fairy dust she got up her ass - you can not negotiate with her.....of course theyre soulmates - otherwise shes got to accept that shes a slut....

got her off that fence - you do not have to take this....

keep us posted...

reread the healing library...hit the 180....hit it hard....

Bufffalo


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5822 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
toomanyregrets
Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, January 3rd (Friday)

It didn't take you WW long to make the choice to cheat on you, so why should it take any longer to make a choice to R?

Give her 24 hours, no more.


BH - 64
fWW - 60

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 466 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
painpaingoaway
Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, January 3rd (Friday)

Give her 24 hours, no more.
Agreed. And that's being generous.


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7056 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
MC_Jack
Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, January 3rd (Friday)

I agree with Brandon and Buffalo.

Yes your WW is 'confused' because she has conflated feelings with reality. You kicking her off of the fence will clarify that distinction.

'Needing time' is ridiculous. You have a marriage already, she already supposedly chose you, there is no new contest. That being said, as your WW is completely irrational and self-delusional, she probably truly believes that getting more time makes sense. She is not acting out of cold rational manipulation, but as an immature ninny like Brandon suggested. A spoiled child.

You need to be firm. You don't need vitriol or anger or cruelty. You need just firmness, resolve and clarity. You have been married long enough for your WW to decide if she wants the M. 24 hours seems to be enough time.

Plus, when you enforce your boundaries and kick her off of the fence, you will find yourself filled with more self-respect and as a more attractive human being.


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" because I like the Music City. I did know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 867 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Mountain West
Abbondad
Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, January 4th (Saturday)

Stanley,

I can only echo again what everyone is telling you: she is reading from an incredibly cliched, selfish script: I need more time, I am confused, blame-shifting, marital rewrite, on and on. And on from my STBX. For over a year. And I waited, humiliated, as she "made up her mind." She never did. I finally came out of my fog when I realized she would NEVER actively "choose." Her inaction, as the others have said, is a choice. With consequences.

So I made up MY mind and filed for divorce. If she had her way, nothing would have changed: she would have her husband and her boyfriend. And all that I value--my integrity, my pride, my masculinity, my role-modeling for our children--would have died a final death.

Reality is now hitting her hard--the grass, it seems, is not greener (shock)--and she has made a pathetic attempt to "come back." I'm done. So should you be, Stanley. Don't put up with this abuse, please.

Wishing you strength and determination.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1610 | Registered: Dec 2012
Tren0R201
Member
Member # 39633
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, January 4th (Saturday)

Confused and pressured.

What about exactly?

In terms of R or remorse, you couldn't get much clearer in regards of what a truly remorseful person needs to do to even come close to repairing the incredible damage one has made by having sex with someone else.

There is only confusion if the pull towards her AP is strong enough. There is only pressure if her feelings are unresolved and she's not ready to commit fully to you.

You're getting your b*lls back, but the last push is truly the hardest. Being resolute enough not to take any blame shifting and setting down conditions which must be met absolutely. Is she willing to lose you? Then you must prove to her you can walk away if she isn't willing to fight for you.


Posts: 144 | Registered: Jun 2013
mike7
Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, January 4th (Saturday)

or.... you can feed her back her shit.

Honey, I understand that for you to make a decision between him and me, you need time. A pressured, hurried, decision isn't right for you.

I too have to make a decision. And I know immediately that if my spouse continues to have an affair even one more day, I will divorce her. I have to for my own self-respect. it's unfortunate that you need more time, when in fact, I can't allow any more time. I sure wish you hadn't betrayed me and started to cheat. But once you did, I ran out of time for that. I will give you till tomorrow morning. Then you need to either begin packing your bags or stopping your cheating.

Again, I'm sorry that my need for a faithful wife requires that you don't have time to make a thoughtful choice between us.

and if that doesn't work, throw the cheating bitch out.


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 542 | Registered: Mar 2013
mike7
Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, January 4th (Saturday)

but really do it. throw her out.

This will shock her. She will think about it then she will call you and want to talk. At that point you say, "I'm sorry, I've decided I really don't want to talk to an adulterer. I haven't decided if I want you anymore. As you know, these decisions shouldn't be pressured or rushed. I will think about things and let you know if I want to hear from you again."

Does this sound tough? Well... it's not as tough as cheating on someone.

She will not respect you until you respect yourself. When you finally decide to respect yourself, you will start to realize she really isn't all "that." KWIM? She's an adultress. She's not special at all.

She has proven she's not worth you. So don't rush into taking her back.

but first. But First! Stop the fucking cheating or throw her ass out. If you don't do that, you will have months perhaps years of hell.

Abbandondad knows what he's talking about.


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 542 | Registered: Mar 2013
Abbondad
Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, January 5th (Sunday)

Abbandondad knows what he's talking about.

I sure do, Stanley. And I assure you, I don't say this with arrogance: I say it with acute pain. Pain for myself, pain for my children, and now pain for you.

One of the best threads on SI is written by someone years out from D-day, entitled "What I would have done in hindsight" (or something like that). Read it.

After my D-day (November 12, 2012), my STBX literally fell to her knees (I had tracked her phone to her OM's) after I told her I wanted a divorce. She immediately texted the OM a NC message in front of me. Wrote me a letter blaming herself, only herself, assuring me that she would get help and spend every day for the rest of her life proving her commitment to me and our family.

So I backed off my threat of divorce.

Within two weeks she was back in contact with the OM.

What I should have done? I should have filed the next day. And gone through with it, as I am doing now. Doing so would have saved me almost a year of limbo hell, sheer hell, as she wavered back-and-forth between me and the OM. Several more times I threatened divorce, and each time she feigned remorse. Each time I bought it, and she knew I bought it.

She had lost all respect for me after I backed off the first time. In hindsight, I had lost all respect for myself.

Don't get me wrong, Stanley: I backed off not because I am a wimp. I backed off because this was my wife, the mother of my children, the love of my life for ten years. But that first instance of not following through with my declaration of divorce was a slippery slope. Whether she saw me as a wimp--consciously or not--doesn't matter. She saw me as someone who would put up with her emotional abuse. And I did. Until finally the pain became so unbearable I did what I should have done on November 12.

Just...Stanley, don't be me. I know you love her, and I know that this is SO HARD. Your head is locked in mortal, excruciating combat with your heart. You MUST listen to your head and act. Your heart is whispering falsehoods, and those falsehoods WILL cause your heart to shatter even further.

Gather your self-respect. Now. Do not wait, do not make excuses to yourself. She MUST know that you are serious. Against all your emotional longing, extricate yourself from her; make your decision, as she clearly has made hers.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1610 | Registered: Dec 2012
Justgreatnews
Member
Member # 41666
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, January 5th (Sunday)

Stanley, your comment about "sharing her mouth and vagina" was brilliant.

Mine has been great about accepting blame, but one time mentioned she felt lonely. I ended up saying how that was no excuse, there are better ways to address loneliness. I certainly didn't force another man's dick into her.

Also, here is that thread about hindsight that was just mentioned:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=446349

[This message edited by Justgreatnews at 8:42 AM, January 5th (Sunday)]


Posts: 261 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
happyman64
Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, January 5th (Sunday)

Stanley

Make the decision for her.

It really is not too hard. I know you two have history. I know she has a relationship with your kids.

But that must not mean too much to her to make the bad decisions she made.

So listen to the crew. Knock her off that fence.

Send her packing.
Have her served at work.
Contact her boss regarding both of them.
Inform the OM's wife.

Make those decisions.
Act like a man who respects himself.

I gurantee you that she will realize how little she respects you and just how little she respects herself.

So show her what respect looks like.

Give her consequences.

Share her the divorce papers. Then she can decide what to do with her mouth and vagina.

Be strong. Be fearless.

HM


Posts: 849 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
bufffalo
Member
Member # 21854
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, January 5th (Sunday)

Stanley...

your WW still in any contact with her boyfriend? any at all?


Bufffalo


DDay 9/25/2008
R started 11/10/08
BH-me

Posts: 5822 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Texas
stanley
New Member
Member # 41695
Default  Posted: 3:19 AM, January 6th (Monday)

We had another "discussion" and it was more of the same crap. Her fog is way deeper than I realized or maybe I am just clear headed and can smell the skunk now? She has left and will not communicate with me at all, which has given me time to "sober" up! She is showing a side of her I have never seen before and has NO remorse and seems completely oblivious of what this has done to us let alone me! For me I guess this was what I needed. I am at my ropes end and have had enough. This is the email I sent to her just minutes ago.
Hi, since you won't speak to me you can read what I have to say in your email. I will be short and to the point.
The last thing you asked me was to define "remorse" and I told you exactly what that was. This might be a lot easier for you to understand because it ties in to a comment you made to me the other day. The opposite of remorse is way easier and doesn't require an "education" a "playbook" or even a "MR. KNOW it all!" This one sentence you said to me covers it all......
"You just need to get off your high horse and quit playing the victim"
If you feel this way then you have zero remorse and or your so deep in the fog that all you see is the merry-go-round......
I am not gonna ask you for anything you don't want to give and I am not gonna beg you for your love. You know how I feel about you and what I would like for us to do. I am prepared to do anything in my power to heal us, but if you don't care about me or what you have done to us, then what's the point. We can't even begin to heal while he is still in the picture! There will be no more ultimatums from me. It is just simply this, I will not be your partner and try and work on us while you have a boyfriend, that is a boundary for me that is not negotiable. If you can't choose, then your not choosing me and I will make it easy for you, you can have him! I'm sure his charm and wit more than make up for his obvious shortcomings. If you choose to help repair what we had/have then you will have to agree to certain conditions, the most important being NO contact with him ever. There will be NO drugs! We will draft a letter of No Contact for him so he is clear of the boundaries and I will deliver it to him. His wife must and will know the truth what ever you decide. If you choose me then you will tell her personally and she will be given a copy of her husbands No Contact letter. You will answer any questions I have about this mess truthfully and completely whenever I choose to ask them because you have hurt me deeply and I deserve to know the whole truth. A marriage/partnership cannot survive with three people in it. I will not be a part of that any more. If you don't want me in your life any longer then that's fine, I don't want to be where I am no longer needed or wanted! If you truly are remorseful and can find that love for me that you so quickly and easily cast aside like a used condom, I know we can make it. If you can't then I will not stand at the gates of hell any longer begging to be let inside. The choice is yours and you must decide! I will give you until Friday to make a choice! On Saturday I will be starting fresh, either with you or with out you! I will not waste any more of this New Year worrying about this Bullshit! Just an FYI, the betrayal was bad enough, but after all we have been through together, the straw that broke the camels back for me is your complete and utter insensitivity and total lack of remorse!!!

Posts: 13 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: NorthWest
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 4:40 AM, January 6th (Monday)

Stanley, that is a great e-mail. Now, crickets. It is up to her to show if she is interested and is willing to do what is needed. Be strong, you can do it!

(((Stanley)))


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9628 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
crisp
Member
Member # 34236
Default  Posted: 5:43 AM, January 6th (Monday)

Great progress and great communication showing progress. In future communications (if any) please show even more progress by not being so unconditional in your love of her. You are almost still begging her in the email.

Throughout your email, you basically tell her that your love is so great for her that you will take her back if she shows remorse. Reality is that you may not feel that way down the road when you totally defog and the intentional harm she has caused you fully sinks in.


Endeavor to persevere. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=csEzTwKemwY

Posts: 382 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: NE US
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, January 6th (Monday)

She will ignore this Fridays deadline as part of her power play. From your e-mail she is confident she can get you back anytime she wishes if her affair with the OM doesn't work out. Sadly only when you take irrevocable steps to move on will she get alarmed. Right now she considers you are in a waiting mode, which will continue until she says it ends, not you.

She is not the woman you knew. In the grip of strong feelings of infatuation she is capable of being very cruel, as you have found out. Don't expect rational decisions from her until her feelings for the OM have dissipated. Very little you can do to control that.


Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, January 6th (Monday)

After further thought, I believe that she will use your Friday deadline has a decision maker. Since she will not/cannot make her mind up before then she will now claim you have made her mind up for her. She will choose the relationship with the OM.

At least now you have shifted her off that fence and as I said before the emotional and sexual connection with the OM is such that he is her first choice anyway; you are a distant second; a fall back option.

Until the affair is over and she is no longer infatuated with the OM you have no chance at reconciliation. She is overloaded with love hormones and no matter what you say and do she can only change herself. All you can do is move on and be non-hostile and friendly as you build a new life for yourself. If she comes round sometime in the future, then thats another decision; this time one you have control of.


Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
cliffside
Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, January 6th (Monday)

I think Friday is waaaaaay too much time. I'd give her 24 hours. Better yet, when you see her next just state "I've re-thought my timeline and Friday is really too much time for me to live like this. Your decision should be simple so I'd like to know right this minute and if you can't do that I'll have to assume that means you'll be choosing him and I will be filing for divorce immediately."


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 269 | Registered: Mar 2013
movingforward13
Member
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, January 6th (Monday)

24 hours is way too much time. You need to make her choose now. You are her husband for fucks sake. This isn't a hard decision.


Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 638 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
Abbondad
Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 5:40 AM, January 10th (Friday)

Hey, Stanley,

How are you? Keep posting. We are all rooting for and are here to help!


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1610 | Registered: Dec 2012
allatsea
Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 6:01 AM, January 10th (Friday)

I need to buy time to see how things are going to work out with the OP. He is still with his wife, and I need to see if he will commit to me and dump his wife. If he will commit to me and dump his wife, then I am going to dump you Stanley. But I need time to see how this will play out. Because if I dump you right now, and things don't work out with the OP, then I will have no one. So, I have keep you, Stanley, on the hook until things are settled.

This is an excellent summary of a WS stalling tactic. I've experienced it first hand. It took me 6 weeks to learn the truth and then I filed for divorce. It took Abb longer because she fucked with him and led him on a goose chase.

Good luck Stanley.

be strong


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now has new baby
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 680 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
stanley
New Member
Member # 41695
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, January 10th (Friday)

Well, here I go! Today's the deadline I imposed for her and in all honesty I believe as some of you have stated that she is going to call my bluff! Her fog is deep, but my resolve is deeper, I am in full 180 now and have had zero contact with her since my email. Her stuff is packed and in storage and I am moving forward as if I were a single man. As I sit here and write this I am amazed that 12 years of so much good can be reduced down to what is essentially one bad choice. Trust is such an all or nothing proposition, you either truly trust somebody, or there is some doubt. Love for me on the other hand has so many different levels, like the love you have for your children, or your mother and father and Grandparents and then there's the love you have for your spouse. The love I have had for her was so implicit because of the trust we had built with each other and she has crushed that with one bad choice! Pain means different things to different people, but I think betrayal for the betrayed is such a universally felt combination of panic, anxiety, pain and anguish! To feel all of those things and still love someone so much when their back is turned towards you truly feels like your standing at the gates of hell begging to be let inside. My initial sadness and anguish that eventually progressed to anger has now settled back to sadness! It has become this bittersweet sadness for this woman that I have loved so imperfectly, but yet with all of my heart and unconditionally through good times and bad! I am resigned to the likely hood that she will not contact me today, because she has never been the kind of person to admit her mistakes, but I am determined to move forward, learn from my mistakes, become a better father, man and partner for my future. Trust will be my Holy Grail and I suspect I will find that only after I have put many miles between me and those gates I very nearly walked through!

Posts: 13 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: NorthWest
movingforward13
Member
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, January 10th (Friday)

She is clearly showing you that she doesn't choose you. I am very sorry.


Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 638 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
stanley
New Member
Member # 41695
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, January 11th (Saturday)

Well, my deadline came and went as of friday and she blew it off, but she did manage to text me today! I am still holding onto the 180 and haven't opened the text yet. I am getting that same sick feeling I got on D-Day! If I wasn't still in love with her and didn't have that slim ray of hope, I would just wash my hands of this and start over!

Posts: 13 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: NorthWest
toomanyregrets
Member
Member # 37740
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, January 11th (Saturday)

You might as well read the e-mail.
If it's good then there's hope.
If Not, then you need to show her you mean what you said and start to move on.


BH - 64
fWW - 60

"Affairs are not mistakes, they are a series of deliberate choices." - CrappyLife


Posts: 466 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Upstate NY
mike7
Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, January 11th (Saturday)

she blew off the date.

regardless of what she says in the text, if you suck up to her now she will never respect you for the rest of your life.

ask yourself why she purposely didn't respond on your deadline. She didnt' because she's letting you know that you're not the boss, she is.

She'll let you know what she's going to do when she's good and ready and not before. And you're going to like it!

honestly, if you cave to this nonsense, I don't have much hope for your happiness with this woman.

the only way you can let her back is if she comes back to you blubbering, snot-nosed, mascara running, begging for forgiveness. otherwise, you're just her plan B while she makes up her mind.


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 542 | Registered: Mar 2013
Twitchy
Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, January 13th (Monday)

Stanley, How's it going, man. What happened?


BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot


Posts: 627 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
trojan007
Member
Member # 36960
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, January 13th (Monday)

Stanley hope you're okay, keep updating buddy

[This message edited by trojan007 at 11:35 AM, January 13th (Monday)]


Posts: 58 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Valencia, CA 91355
stanley
New Member
Member # 41695
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)

I had a four hour conversation with her and my take away from it was that she has climbed back on the fence. She says she still loves me, but is afraid of ending it with him! She doesn't want to clean the crap from the sole of her shoe because she's afraid that she will be asking herself the rest of her life "what if" he's the one
I told her where she could pick her stuff up at and that I don't want her in my life anymore because I don't want to wonder "what if" I might find some one who loves me unconditionally and wants ME in their life! I told her I am taking what's left of my dignity and self-respect and I will share it with someone who I can trust and will treat me with respect and dignity!
I don't know what the cheaters handbook says will happen next. I do know her well enough to know that she will be too proud and arrogant to right this wrong. She will get thrown under the bus, ran over and kicked to the curb before she see's her head stuck up her ass and finally admits her mistakes!
I am so broken by this and so very sad, but I have faith and hope that love and happiness will find me again. Win the day one day at a time!

Posts: 13 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: NorthWest
Twitchy
Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)

You're not broken. You're just terribly hurt. But it's like taking the bandage off all at once rather than millimeter by millimeter. (I'm Canadian)

Now you can go no contact and be proud that you did all you could to save things, she just couldn't see that.

No Contact = No New Hurt.

Don't worry about what she does or what she's thinking. Just worry about you and your beautiful children.. Let this wound heal. It will take alot of time.

And BTW. You did great.


[This message edited by Twitchy at 5:31 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)]


BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot


Posts: 627 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
movingforward13
Member
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)

By not choosing you, she chooses him... So give her exactly what she wants.

Sometimes the best punishment is to give someone exactly what they asked for.... And then not being there for them when they realize how wrong they were.

No contact. Do not contact her for any reason. Do not respond to calls, texts, or emails. Tell her to talk to your attorney.


Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 638 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
jb3199
Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, January 15th (Wednesday)

I don't know what the cheaters handbook says will happen next. I do know her well enough to know that she will be too proud and arrogant to right this wrong. She will get thrown under the bus, ran over and kicked to the curb before she see's her head stuck up her ass and finally admits her mistakes!

See, you DO know the cheater's handbook! That is exactly what happens.

She is telling you what she wants, and that is to continue the new status quo. I will assume that this doesn't sit well with you(as it shouldn't), so your choices now are to either (1) accept it, (2) or not. I believe that option #2 will suit you better.

Keep moving forward, away from this mess. The further you get away from infidelity, the better things will be for you. Trust us.


BH-46
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
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Posts: 2052 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
Topic Posts: 108