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Reconciliation
User Topic: MC said what???
hpv50
Member
Member # 39703
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)

We don't think our MC is very good at affairs, but today took the cake. He noticed we both seemed calmer, more relaxed, and I mentioned th we were working through the EA issues on our own. The MC said "still? At some point you have to say enough is enough already."

Say what?

It's been 5 months since I found the emails confirming his EA in process...

Even my WH was incredulous.


Me: BS - 50; Him: WH - 51, vulnerable NPD
married 19 years, maybe 20th soon?
DD1 4/22/13 (hpv diagnosis)
DD2 5/9/13 (gaslighting begins)
DD3 6/30/13 (admits EA)
DD4 7/7/13 admits "trying to date other women" for 3 years

Posts: 129 | Registered: Jun 2013
ms521
Member
Member # 12008
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)

That doesn't sound healthy. I'm under the impression that feelings need to be acknowledged and validated. Not buried because "enough is enough already." I'm pretty sure any MC worth their credentials would tell you there's no time limit on healing and thoughtful discussion.


Madhatters.
Me: FWW (STA 2002), now a BW.
Him: FWH (OW1: 2006-2007), now just WH (OW2: 2010-2013)

I will never stop trying... because when you find 'the one' you never give up. (Cal Weaver)


Posts: 429 | Registered: Sep 2006
Blobette
Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)

Why are you still with this person? Get a new MC!


BS (me): 49
WS: 50
Married: 25 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1051 | Registered: Aug 2012
iwillNOT
Member
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)

Wow, just...wow.

I am just a couple weeks behind you and can't imagine our MC saying that. I'm glad your WH didn't take that as ok. That could have done some real damage if he took that statement as license to expect you to " get over it."


Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Kiddos 2,6,8,10
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.

Posts: 468 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
jo2love
Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)

It doesn't sound like your MC understands at all. I would seriously consider finding a new MC.

Posts: 33686 | Registered: Mar 2011
womaninflux
Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)

That is insensitive. Worse than my MIL, who is a psychiatrist, looking me in the eye and saying I will get over it. And that was pretty bad.

Would you consider switching therapists?

At the very least, I would call the therapist and express my dissatisfaction with that remark. It's pretty hard to get blood from a stone as we all know. When the WS is not forthcoming, the issues take a lot longer to process. Just 2 weeks ago I got a timeline of the affair and I am 9 months post DD.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 855 | Registered: Jun 2013
hpv50
Member
Member # 39703
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)

IWillNot: right, I was glad WH reacted that way. He even said to the MC, who suggested WH focus on himself and not on me, "you mean if my wife feels bad or has a question for me I should just say forget it, I've done enough?"

This from the guy who often lately diminished what he'd done, and made some pretty bone-headed boundary "mistakes." but today I felt very supported and validated by him.

Yes, the MC is bad at this, but very good at other things I think we need, such as anger issues and depression. Also, quite frankly, this is our fourth MC and this one is the least bad. Fortunately we both have excellent IC.


Me: BS - 50; Him: WH - 51, vulnerable NPD
married 19 years, maybe 20th soon?
DD1 4/22/13 (hpv diagnosis)
DD2 5/9/13 (gaslighting begins)
DD3 6/30/13 (admits EA)
DD4 7/7/13 admits "trying to date other women" for 3 years

Posts: 129 | Registered: Jun 2013
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)

I remember 5 weeks - WEEKS - in, our former MC said, "so when do you think you will be done with the questions?"

Done? I'll tell you what I am done with!


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2102 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
jjsr
Member
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)

I knew our MC was a keeper early on when he told FWH that I could have questions for years and he would have to answer them because his behavior put us in the situation


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1586 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Texas
RidingHealingRd
Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)

I am stunned, absolutely stunned at his ignorance.


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 60 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 3.5 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2080 | Registered: Nov 2011
sudra
Member
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 6:23 AM, December 19th (Thursday)

We're still dealing with it 3+ years out. It's why we go. Our marriage wasn't that bad before the affair - the MC is to rebuild it after the affair, so we talk about it.

I'd still look for another MC no matter how many you have to go through. A really GOOD MC is invaluable, IMO.


Me (BW) (54), Him(SAWH) (57)
Married 21 years, 1 son (19), 1 stepdaughter (27)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1425 | Registered: Nov 2010
Topic Posts: 11