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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: I went to a party!
Pass
Member
Member # 38122
Cool  Posted: 9:45 AM, December 19th (Thursday)

Back when I was diagnosed with depression, I was also told that I have social anxiety. This has caused huge problems for me in the past, and has kept me from getting the socialization that I really needed to help me with my depression.

The Princess always knew that I had this problem (even before we had a name for it). I would try to just stay by her side at parties, because she was a "safe" person for me (there may be some irony there), but she would often end up ditching me (and then giving me shit if I just hung out with one person the whole evening!). Whenever we would bring the kids to a party, I would hang with them - and then I would feel badly about it, because it's not fair for them to be their dad's crutch.

Of course, my other old reliable crutch was many glasses of wine.

Well, I was invited to a party with a bunch of my new musician friends the other night. I felt the usual fear as I was getting ready to go, but made myself go anyway. I brought my mandolin with me. I've gotta tell you: I fucking thrived!

I had recently read that the best way to meet people at networking events is to approach anyone who is standing alone, or in groups of two people, so this is what I did. I "interviewed" people by asking them about their latest projects, where they're going for their holidays, etc. Whenever the demons in my brain would tell me that this person probably wanted to get away from me, I followed my shrink's advice: I asked myself, "What is the evidence?"

So I looked at the evidence. The person who is chatting me up, with a smile on his/her face, and keeping the conversation going, probably wasn't looking for a chance to get away. I may even be likeable.

And of course, music ended up breaking out at one point. That made things easier as well.

Parties? Pfft. I can do that!


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after married 17 years, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1665 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
BAB61
Member
Member # 41181
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, December 19th (Thursday)

WooooHoooo wtg! So proud of you for just doing it! (((Pass)))


Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
Lola2kids
Member
Member # 32789
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, December 19th (Thursday)

Love to read these updates from you, Pass.
I can relate to so many of your fears/successes.

Good on you!!


BS: (Me) 47
Kids: twins DD(10)
WS: Him 49 (Together 12 years)
D-Day April 18, 2011, Him:out Sept. 11, 2011..moved June 27, 2014.
"They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I am growing more and more fond of his absence"

Posts: 1302 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Ontario, Canada
ItHappened2Me2
Member
Member # 32503
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, December 19th (Thursday)

Pass - I have been reading your posts for a little while and I must say, it is WONDERFUL to see your recent victories in self-confidence.

I am so sorry that The Princess took so much of you. Of course you are wonderful human being with interesting talents -- why wouldn't others want to talk with you???

Love these positive posts!


BS - me (52); WS - him (52)
DD 15yo, DS 11 yo
Married 25 years (together 27+/-)
DDay #1 - March 18, 2011
DD #2 (after 3 + month TT and false R -- the affair had gone underground) - June 28,2011
DD3: June 19, 2013 - he started up again with the

Posts: 241 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Texas
dmari
Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, December 19th (Thursday)

I'm so happy for you!! This is a HUGE accomplishment!


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 18, DS 15
Mediation date: 7/10/14 and 7/22/14
Final final court date: Oct 2014

Posts: 2110 | Registered: Oct 2012
Lyonesse
Member
Member # 32943
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, December 19th (Thursday)

Not only did you survive the party, it sounds like you actually had fun!


Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1772 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
cantaccept
Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, December 19th (Thursday)

What a great accomplishment, build on every success!

Instruments are such a great equalizer, makes you feel part even when you don't talk.

I am going to my first party on Saturday, terrified. I have not been out on my own since WH returned last January. While he was gone the first time I went out once and it was hell. I don't think I was ready, it was two weeks after dday, I was still a zombie!

Now, he is still in the house until next Thursday but I am trying to keep going, finding the positive. Still scared to go alone but I am going anyway.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1233 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Pass
Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, December 19th (Thursday)

Thanks so much, everyone. It seems weird that whenever someone says something nice to me - like y'all just did - it makes me tear up. I've been wanting someone to say nice things for my entire marriage. It seems odd that I'm getting it from strangers instead of the woman I loved.

But I guess I can hardly consider you strangers with the way I've been spilling my guts, eh?

And yes, I definitely had fun: I talked, I played music, I woke up without a hangover.


cantaccept: Good for you! You've got this. I just read your profile, and you're not so fucked up as you may think you are (that's meant as a compliment, even if it may not read as one!). You can enjoy yourself too.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after married 17 years, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1665 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
suckstobeme
Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, December 19th (Thursday)

Pass - look how far you've come - you should be so proud of yourself and looking forward to a new life that doesn't include an anchor of abuse around your neck!!!!


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2693 | Registered: Jan 2011
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, December 19th (Thursday)

I've gotta tell you: I fucking thrived!
I love this SO much, pass. Woo hoo!


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24376 | Registered: Aug 2011
JessicaFL127
Member
Member # 26864
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, December 19th (Thursday)

Nice job, buddy! Good for you.


BW,32
divorced for 6 years
mom to two awesome boys,10 and 9

"But you said your vows, and you closed the door
On so many men who would have loved you more" -Cath, DCFC

"The most amazing things can come from some terrible lies"


Posts: 1244 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Missouri
k94ever
Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, December 19th (Thursday)

See....... youze a good person.

Smart tactical move on leaving the banjo at home BTW.


k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6451 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, December 19th (Thursday)

Smart tactical move on leaving the banjo at home BTW.
A banjo (like any other instrument) is a joy in the hands of a skilled musician.


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24376 | Registered: Aug 2011
abbycadabby
Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, December 19th (Thursday)

I've gotta tell you: I fucking thrived!

That's because musicians are cool!

Keep up the good work.


Posts: 1207 | Registered: Feb 2010
NotFixable
Member
Member # 41608
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, December 19th (Thursday)

That's great! You are much stronger than you ever thought you were. Way to go!


Me-BS
Him-WH
Married 13 years
DD #1 03/12
DD #2 11/20/13
Status: Separated and planning D
___________________________________

Nowhere left to go but up!


Posts: 101 | Registered: Dec 2013
Chrysalis123
Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, December 19th (Thursday)

Way to go!

I know how hard socializing is because I have the same issue. X-NPD always ridiculed me for it too.

Good for you!!!


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2605 | Registered: Jan 2010
PurpleRose
Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, December 19th (Thursday)

Music is your thing pass... Use what you got!

I'm so happy for you-- keep up the good work!


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3515 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
PurpleBirch
Member
Member # 39170
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, December 19th (Thursday)

Good for you :) I think you used a good strategy with those people. However, being somewhat introverted, I see nothing wrong with hanging around one person all night. Just sayin.

I'm glad it worked out well for you. Some of my favourite parties in the past have been where all these talented musicians would just take out whatever instrument and just sing/play. Great idea bringing the mandolin.


Me: BS (32)
Him: WH (31)
Married 3 years.
Confessed to PA April 21 2013.

DS (6), DS (18 months)

Aug 30 2013 He gives me back his ring with an ultimatum: "Get over it or get out".

Status: Done like dinner


Posts: 277 | Registered: May 2013 | From: The frozen North, eh?
Pass
Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 12:30 AM, December 20th (Friday)

Thanks y'all. I really am feeling quite proud of myself! This is something that has always been a HUGE battle for me.

And for the record k9, I would be just as proud if I had done this with one of my banjos, instead of my mandolin!


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after married 17 years, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1665 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Topic Posts: 19