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User Topic: My mom is dying
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, December 19th (Thursday)

She told me the day after Thanksgiving.

Stage 4 lung cancer. Small cell carcinoma.

Im not sure what Im looking for. Prayers? Hugs? Support? Advice? Medical opinions? A miracle? Please?

FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 7671 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, December 19th (Thursday)


Posts: 11742 | Registered: Mar 2008
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, December 19th (Thursday)


I am so sorry hun. You are in my prayers.

Choices, Chances, Changes.....You must make a Choice to take a Chance or your life will never Change.

Posts: 13803 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, December 19th (Thursday)

I'm so sorry, C6.

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

Posts: 8073 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, December 19th (Thursday)

(((((((confused & mom))))))) Oh, honey.

Sending you and your mom everything I've got.

You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana

Posts: 25694 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, December 19th (Thursday)


That's the same form my mom had.

Best advice I can give you is become her health advocate, weighing each procedure and proposed treatment very carefully.

She'll need someone in her corner.


Fidelity isn't a's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!

Posts: 21068 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, December 19th (Thursday)

I'm so deeply sorry.

Sending hugs and prayers. We've been through something very similar (swap lung for gastric). Please PM me anytime.


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17785 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, December 19th (Thursday)

((((confused)))) I am so sorry. Hugs and SI mojo to you both.

BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson

Posts: 9793 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, December 19th (Thursday)

(((confused & mom)))

I'm so sorry. Saying prayers.

Posts: 35801 | Registered: Mar 2011
Member # 33338
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, December 19th (Thursday)

I'm so sorry.

Hugs and prayers, Sweet friend.

Me, 47
Him, 40 (JMSSC)
married 17 years. In R. We are making it. The past does not define who we are today.

Posts: 2776 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: South Carolina
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, December 19th (Thursday)

(((confused and mom)))

Sending along my prayers to you and your mother.


Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.

Posts: 52570 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
Member # 21281
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, December 19th (Thursday)

I am so sorry, it took my dad too

What I can tell you, my dad was 72 when diagnosed, July 13 was day of diagnosis Aug 26 he passed, it was fast for him, he received radiation treatments to alleviate pain, and pain medication nothing for life prolonging procedures as nothing would have helped

I agree with AJ's mom, be her advocate, let her wishes be heard, my biggest concern with my dad became him not being in any pain, I couldn't bare to see him suffer

I spent as much time as I could with my dad, I was lucky that I could, I had known others with this form of cancer and they didn't last long, time with my dad became precious

You and your family are in my prayers,

Posts: 386 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Canada
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, December 19th (Thursday)


Bless you.

Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5859 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, December 19th (Thursday)

(((HUGS))) I'm sorry. I lost my sister to the same cancer. I hate cancer.

Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011

Posts: 9814 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Member # 41463
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, December 19th (Thursday)

Sending prayers for you and your mom. ((((Hugs)))))

Posts: 132 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, December 19th (Thursday)

I am so sorry. It must be frightening for you.

(((Hugs and strength.)))

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3845 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, December 19th (Thursday)


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live

Posts: 37370 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, December 19th (Thursday)

(((((((((((((((((Confused and Mom))))))))))))))))))))))
Just be there to listen. Write down stories, video or photograph as appropriate. Wish I had more video of my Mom.

Praying for a miracle for the two of you

Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6605 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
Member # 25341
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, December 19th (Thursday)


I'm so sorry to hear this news.

Make the most of whatever time you have left together with her. This is such a difficult thing to go through, but it is a gift that you know now and can plan for the end (should this be the end).

Thinking of you and sending you and your mom strength.


Me (BS), Him (WH): early 50's
3 DS: teens!!! :)
M: 24 (19 1/2 at Dday), Together 29
Dday: Dec 2008
Limbo-ish, again (after multiple S) -- weighing my options

Posts: 2604 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: EU
Member # 31722
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, December 19th (Thursday)

I am so sorry, confused.

Just spend all the time with her that you can.


Me: BS
Him: WH

Posts: 1299 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From:
Member # 34835
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, December 19th (Thursday)


I will keep you and your mom in my prayers. Sending you strength as well.

Posts: 231 | Registered: Feb 2012
Member # 26531
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, December 19th (Thursday)


I'm so sorry... my prayers are with you.

Me: BSO - 46
Him: FWSO - 69
DS - 13
D-Day - 12-11-09,
R - he finally came home
Your life is an Occasion. Rise to it. - Mr. Magorium, "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium"

Posts: 24591 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Florida
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, December 19th (Thursday)

I'm so sorry. I was in your same position 2 years ago with my mom. Stage 4 bladder cancer.

Spend as much time with her as you can. Hold her hand. Reminisce. Ask her lots of questions about her youth and your childhood.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson

Posts: 7823 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
Member # 25643
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, December 19th (Thursday)

((((confused))). I am so sorry; you will be in my prayers.


Posts: 1107 | Registered: Sep 2009
Member # 99
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, December 19th (Thursday)


So incredibly sorry. I lost my Mom this year. Sending you lots of hugs and prayers.

"Anyone perfect must be lying; anything easy has its cost. Anyone plain can be lovely; anyone loved can be lost." Barenaked Ladies

Posts: 2481 | Registered: Jun 2002 | From: North Carolina
Member # 15300
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, December 20th (Friday)

Fu*k cancer! Hugs and prayers to you. You just give your Mom all the love you can in her remaining time.

Age: 64..ummmmmmm,, hell born in 1947. You figure it out!

"I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance." Garth Brooks

Posts: 7278 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Toronto, Canada
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, December 20th (Friday)

I am so sorry Confused.

This is usually an aggressive cancer. Please be there for her, and support her in her decisions, and always encourage her to consider quality of life vs quanity.

Also please talk with her and her treatment team about options in palliative care, and Hospice.
One thing I have found is many, too many people wait until it's far too late to get the benefit of these fields of practice. Both allow your mom and family to know that cure isn't an option (when it becomes clear that it isn't) and that you switch focus from "Get Well, Get Well Get Well" to "Ok we cant' fix this, but we can treat you in a manner that will give you the most quality with time you have left."

It can be amazing for patients and families to actually be given the opportunity to wrap things up, make ammends if needed, and eventually say their goodbyes. It also helps the families to grieve a bit.

((((and strength and peace))))

Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8687 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, December 20th (Friday)


My Mom is a former nurse, she worked in radiation oncology. One thing she offers to do for friends/ friends of friends is to go to the doc appointment with them. She can take notes and ask the right questions, then be able to explain them later to the patient.

You are so emotionally raw while in the doc appointments, it would be good to bring someone else with you to take notes/ask questions.

me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings

Posts: 4180 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 5:19 AM, December 21st (Saturday)

I am so very sorry...sending you huge hugs.

~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 6:26 AM, December 21st (Saturday)

I spent some time with her yesterday. She has a good attitude. She is determined to be here for another 2 years. My sister is in jail(a whole other thread and heartache) and won't be out for 2 years. So she is highly motivated. So that's good.

But. I have spoken to my aunt who was with her when she was diagnosed. She told me the truth, no sugarcoating. (Mom tends to only tell us what she thinks we need to know to "protect" us..she has always done this.) I am a realist. My mom has been in poor health for a long time. She has lived off cigarettes and pepsi for 30 years..with a little food tossed in for good measure. She is very frail.

She has stopped smoking. That is HUGE. I stopped by her place a few weeks ago,unexpected, and she was gone. I cleaned up a bit. On the way home I realized what had been bothering me and asked my FWH if he recalled smelling smoke at her house,or if he say any ashtrays. He didn't. And yesterday, the house smelled smoke free.

We are all being very positive, telling her of course she will be here when Chasity gets out of jail. We are lying. We all know that isn't true.

She is getting help from various agencies in town. She got her wigs yesterday.

I did really good. While I helped her put on her wig...while she was telling me if there is anything I want of hers I can take it now..or later...and I didn't cry while she was going through pics and giving them to me. But I did cry when we were leaving. No sobs,just tears. She told me not to cry,that she isn't scared. That she is worried about us(her children) but knows we will be ok.

I sobbed uncontrollably all the way home.

Thank you for the prayers,hugs, and kind words.

FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 7671 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, December 21st (Saturday)


My dad has been diagnosed with lung cancer. We haven't gotten any other details yet. My heart goes out to you-I'm still a little numb.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5256 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
solus sto
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, December 21st (Saturday)

Oh, no (((confused)))...I'm so very sorry. I lost my mom to the same disease. I don't know where your mother is on the timeline, but if you get good hospice lined up BEFORE you need it, it is a godsend, in terms of ensuring peace and comfort (for all of you).

Millions of hugs to you.

BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8829 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Member # 18179
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, December 21st (Saturday)

What a terrible shock to get, and a great sadness to have entered your life. I'm so very sorry.

Others have posted most of what I would have (advocacy, quality vs. quantity, ...) but one are that I don't see is her estate. Hope this doesn't sound insensitive but it is pragmatic. This advice springs from a situation that developed with a family member who was diagnosed in early December a couple years ago and died the end of January, maybe 8 weeks later.

Ensure her affairs are in order sooner vs. later because later may come sooner than expected. If she owns a home or other property, probate may be avoided if titled in such a way as to pass automatically upon death to the survivors. Knowing what she has and where is important; accounts, property, etc. Ensure any deeds or other legal documents have every detail correct; a mistake can make the best-laid planning get blown to smithereens. Getting her to establish durable POA with a trusted family member is also very important.

Sending you strength.

You can't fill a cup with no bottom.

Posts: 3890 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: a new start together
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, December 22nd (Sunday)


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3620 | Registered: Oct 2011
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, December 22nd (Sunday)


Posts: 35801 | Registered: Mar 2011
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, December 22nd (Sunday)

I am so sorry....sending prayers and healing thoughts for your family

Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15288 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, December 22nd (Sunday)


..there are no words!!!

just sending hugs and prayers to you, your mom and your family.


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf

Posts: 4129 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
Deeply Scared
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, December 23rd (Monday)


I'm really and your mom are in my prayers

"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.

Posts: 198232 | Registered: May 2002
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, December 23rd (Monday)

(((confused615))) Thinking of you and your mom.

"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3119 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, December 23rd (Monday)


Don’t get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well. 

Posts: 2702 | Registered: Jan 2010
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, December 23rd (Monday)


Just saw this thread. My condolences and best wishes to you and your family.

Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 4002 | Registered: Dec 2011
Member # 15334
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, December 23rd (Monday)


{Him}FBH - 43 (WifeHad5)
{Me} FWW - 44
2 kids 7 & 12
Reconciled :)
Beauty and folly are old companions.--Benjamin Franklin

Posts: 10730 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Midwest
Member # 19197
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, December 23rd (Monday)

You are in my prayers, and I believe in miracles. Hugs.

Me: BS
Him: FWH
Married 30 yrs. w/ 2 grown kids
Dday 1: Very early 2007
Dday 2: Mid 2008 (same MOW, 14 month false R)
The affair was the aberration, not the marriage or the man.

Posts: 817 | Registered: Apr 2008
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, December 23rd (Monday)

I'm so sorry.

Posts: 3419 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
Member # 34602
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, December 23rd (Monday)


An extra big hug because you deserve it.

Me (BW): 32
WH: 33 TimeToManUp
Married: 11 years, together 16 years
3 daughters: 9, 5, 3, and and 2 angel babies (2013 and 2014)
D-Day: 12/21/2011
Confronted him: 12/22/2011

Posts: 1727 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, December 23rd (Monday)

you and your family are in my prayers. I'm so sorry to hear this.

sending strength and Mojo

BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2977 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Member # 32265
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, December 23rd (Monday)


Divorced 1/3/14

Posts: 627 | Registered: May 2011
Member # 37293
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, December 23rd (Monday)

Oh, I am so, so sorry to hear this news. Sending gobs of strength for you and your family.


"Taking the high road, and doing it with class."


Posts: 154 | Registered: Oct 2012
Member # 41759
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, December 23rd (Monday)

Prayers coming your way. My mother is battling breast cancer and we don't have the perfect mother/daughter relationship but I can say that this tragic situation has made me realize I need to make things better. Spend as much time with your mom and enjoy the moments be in the moments all other life issues will be here when you have the time. Life is precious. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

Posts: 61 | Registered: Dec 2013
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, December 23rd (Monday)

My mom died of lung cancer 7+ years ago. Spend all the time with her you can and say what you want and need to say. Sending you good thoughts

Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1647 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
Member # 16590
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, December 24th (Tuesday)

((((confused)))) I'm so sorry

Me: BW - I'm much too young to feel this damn old
Him: FWH - Midlife crisis with a pathetic porn wannabe
D-Day: August 2004; Lots of false R until February 2005.

It takes all kinds of kinds....Miranda Lambert

Posts: 3245 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: So Calif
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, December 25th (Wednesday)

(((Confused))) thinking of you and your mum.

Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5123 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 52