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User Topic: not sure ...../sigh
spond
Member
Member # 41686
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, December 19th (Thursday)

Wow… where to start.
Back in August 2013, my WW was traveling a bunch for work. One day I was using the “find my iPhone” feature to find the kid’s iPad and to my amazement, my wife was 5 minutes away at a hotel. So snoop mode turned on. This was on August 27th. I started looking through her emails, Facebook, etc. I found where she was going to have some sexy pictures taken, on the 28th, for my birthday. First off, she is very self-conscience when it comes to her body, so this was something a friend did for her hubby and she was trying it with me. So I thought, well, she was staying in the hotel because she needed to get ready and whatnot before the pictures. I then start watching her phone all the time. She went to her picture session, which was legit, and came back home later and I think she went to work. I’m like … ok cool… she is doing something cool for me.
Then Thursday she had to go back out of town for “work”. Yea, like I wasn’t going to check. Bam… back at the same hotel. This time I went over there. Showed up and texted her from the parking lot. Tried to get the hotel room number from her. Threatened to her to call her god mother and disable her truck so it wouldn’t start in the morning. She finally came outside. We talked for a few minutes in the parking lot, she claimed she was getting picture taken in the hotel room by the same photographer. But I had seen the Facebook convo's and the photographer had never mentioned anything about a hotel room. WW said she would be home after the pictures but didn’t come home until the morning.
We talked, didn’t shout or yell too much. She said she hadn’t been happy and I was pushing her away. I said it seemed like she didn’t want to be bothered. See she has been through a lot. Parents married and divorced multiple times, raped once as a kid, been thought 2 battles with ovarian cancer, 1 time with cervical cancer, and currently kidney cancer. So here she is sick all the time anyways. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not trying to make excuses, just making sure everything is out on the table. I spent a lot of time playing online video games with other people, as I look back, too much time on them.
But anyways, she said no one was with her (other than the photographer). Denies an affair, says she needed some alone time. Stuff does not still line up. I keep digging and digging. I find the wonderful program Dr.Fone for iOS, and recover deleted text message from her iPhone. That’s when I discovered the OM. Sexting and lots of it. I knew they weren’t from me, because we never sexted (would have been great if she did). That afternoon I came home from work early and confronted her with the explicit text messages. She starts going into defense mode. “You were just ignoring me” “Not showing me affection” etc etc etc. Which yes.. this is a true statement… caused by lack of communication and ignorance. I’m not blaming myself for the EA…. I’m simply stating that these actions resulted in these feelings. It was still her choice to have the EA. Which she renamed this person a few times, but I had the phone number now.
But there are still facts that don’t make sense. These text message aren’t just sexting and talking about personal life, they include work stuff. And not just work talk like when she talks with me at the end of her day. It’s talking with someone that knows people there and operations, etc. So I confront her again, and she comes clean with that it is an hourly just on the production floor. She is the HR manager, which is another reason for my shock. I told her to cut it off. It stops… no more..... She agrees and I’m under the impression it is over.
We sign up for counseling right away and have an appointment the following week or so. We go to about 3 or more sessions. We are already communicating better and start the healing process. There are a few bad days, but the good days far outweigh the bad. We are talking like we have never talked before. We weren’t really getting anything from the MC, so we choose to stop. TBH, I wasn’t that impressed with the MC myself. September goes by, then October and then November. Everything is great for us, or so it seems.
She had using a company phone quite a lot and something started to feel strange. I start snooping more. I have the phone number of this phone. She never talks to anyone on it… just texts. I used some contacts that I know and learned it was NOT on a company account and that it was a pre-paid phone. So I went on the cell phone provider’s website and got access to the account. I saw that there were lots of text messages, but it doesn’t show who they were from or where they were going.
I confront her about it. She said she wasn’t ready to end it. She didn’t want to end it on my terms, she wanted to end it on hers. She sent him a text and told him it was over. This happened last week. There are things that still don’t add up and I’m tired of looking, TBH.
We scheduled MC with a different one, hopefully this one will be better. I want to try and make this work, but all the lies make it sooooo hard.
She is remorseful and takes ownership of her actions. I out’ed her to her best friend today, as she didn’t know. Not sure why exactly I did, but I needed another ear to listen to me. Anyways… that’s all for now.


BH(me) | fWW
2 Kids - Married 2002
D-Day TT & EA | D-Day #2 PA
Reconciling

Posts: 358 | Registered: Dec 2013
stronger08
Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, December 19th (Thursday)

Dude your situation is very typical. Her reaction to being busted is textbook. First off, she has no remorse and without it things are never going to change. She is most likely caught up in what we call the fog. Simply put her head is filled with bullshit fantasy that is an A. And unless you do something to snap her back into reality your misery will continue. And that something needs to be firm and with 100% resolve. Personally I would show her the door and expose the A. Also find out who the OM is. If he is M inform his W. Threaten to inform their employer, being she is the HR director she should know better than to sleep with a co-worker. At this point you must assume the worst. You must treat this situation like you are going to divorce her. Consult an attorney and find out your rights and responsibilities. Be prepared to file the divorce also. She must be made aware that your not going to sit there and be made a fool of. Will this pull her head out of her ass? Perhaps, perhaps not. If she wants to change she will show it in her actions, not in mere words. You also should have a list of demands that she needs to follow if your going to offer the gift of reconciliation. Be prepared is much more of this story to trickle out. I'm sure she is only telling you half truths at best. Take some time to process this and act accordingly. Don't try and nice her back to you as it will only show weakness and she will use that to her advantage. And don't think you can try and have a logical conversation with her at this time. She will not listen to sense, so don't waste your breath. Also keep in mind that no matter the condition of your marriage, you are not responsible for this affair. She had choices and she chose to take the cowards way out and cheat. You need to make this affair as difficult as possible if your marriage stands any chance of surviving.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5558 | Registered: Nov 2007
spond
Member
Member # 41686
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, December 19th (Thursday)

I forgot to mention. She agreed to take a polygraph.


BH(me) | fWW
2 Kids - Married 2002
D-Day TT & EA | D-Day #2 PA
Reconciling

Posts: 358 | Registered: Dec 2013
spond
Member
Member # 41686
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, December 19th (Thursday)

~bah..double post~

[This message edited by spond at 4:57 PM, December 19th (Thursday)]


BH(me) | fWW
2 Kids - Married 2002
D-Day TT & EA | D-Day #2 PA
Reconciling

Posts: 358 | Registered: Dec 2013
stronger08
Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, December 19th (Thursday)

Good, call her bluff and schedule one. $100.00 says she balks when its test time.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5558 | Registered: Nov 2007
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, December 19th (Thursday)

I'll cover for spond.
Loser pays to SI.
Deal?

Posts: 6423 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
azxyrn
New Member
Member # 40928
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, December 19th (Thursday)

Spond.

I'm sorry for what you are going through, I wish I had a cure all for what's happening - but I don't. If anything I can say to help you is trust your gut and read the betrayed spouses faq. What your getting is a lot of gas lighting, denial, and disassociation on her part. I say this from experience as my WW has done almost the textbook same behaviors/actions. I've come to the conclusion (in my case) that my WW is so self centered at this point that whatever she texts, says, or does is the bare minimum to keep me on the hook; keep me kicking the can down the road for another day, (add any other cliché appropriate). I read a book called "Love Must Hurt." The book itself is a hard nose, no-nonsense approach to end the relationship (either the A or yours). It might not be something you want to read, but it does shed some light on the subject at hand, it is Christian based, so you can skip the quotes if that bothers you or just incorporate it in to your reading. I hope my two cents help; stay busy, focus on yourself, I think we can both agree at this point your WW certainly is staying busy focusing on herself...


Posts: 2 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Broken Heart, USA
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, December 19th (Thursday)

She is remorseful and takes ownership of her actions.
I''m sorry but her actions sound more regretful at this point than remorseful.

She gaslighted you with the photographer story.
She blameshifted by saying your actions were the reason.
She took it underground by getting a prepaid phone and claiming it was a company phone.
She said she wanted to end it on her terms and not yours. Her point kind of ignores the fact that she wasn''t supposed to start it to begin with so how it ends isn''t something she has a "right" to insist upon. This was a power move on her part intended to maintain control in the situation. Think about it, if she had even been truly regretful when you caught her at the hotel she wouldn''t have lied further and then gone back to the room.

Quite frankly I think you need to be prepared for two things.
First that the EA was in fact PA.
Second that the A is not truly over.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3652 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
RealityStinks
Member
Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, December 19th (Thursday)

Sorry you're here. I agree with brandon808. It's probably a PA, and it's unlikely that it is over.

Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
spond
Member
Member # 41686
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, December 20th (Friday)

She blameshifted by saying your actions were the reason.

Well she only did this for a few days back in September, since then she has mentioned that it was her fault for the EA and hasn't put the blame on me once since.

The polygraph is scheduled for Jan 8th.


BH(me) | fWW
2 Kids - Married 2002
D-Day TT & EA | D-Day #2 PA
Reconciling

Posts: 358 | Registered: Dec 2013
Edith
Member
Member # 38337
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, December 20th (Friday)

Hi Spond,
Gently, you do realize that the vast majority of people do not use hotels for EA purposes. But then, you already know that. My H tried to get me to believe nothing physical happened in the hotel....turned out to be another lie.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

E.


Lies are manipulations. Always.

Posts: 339 | Registered: Feb 2013
jb3199
Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 6:10 AM, December 21st (Saturday)

Stick with the polygraph. We can go on and on about how reliable/unreliable they are, but I am a strong advocate for using any means to get to the truth.

Your wife isn't remorseful.....yet.

That will be determined in her future actions, not her words.

You are still real early in this painful journey that you didn't sign up for, so I will just suggest that you read and post here often. Work on yourself. See an attorney, and learn your rights. Consider individual counseling, if you feel it may help.

These are the basics. Once you accept that you cannot fix your wife, only yourself, you will be on the start to recovery. It is hard work, but definitely worth it.

Good luck.


BH-46
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 1983 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
jackson
Member
Member # 18819
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, December 21st (Saturday)

Well not many people book a hotel room just for an EA....propably not one in a thousand. Maybe I missed it but were you given any photos from a hotel room.

Posts: 790 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Midwest
spond
Member
Member # 41686
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, December 21st (Saturday)

Well you guys were right. Today she revealed the full blown A to me, during the month of August.

She revealed details and answered my questions.

Only time will tell from this point on, but hopefully my next post about us, will be in the recovery forums.

Rough Day!


BH(me) | fWW
2 Kids - Married 2002
D-Day TT & EA | D-Day #2 PA
Reconciling

Posts: 358 | Registered: Dec 2013
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 2:15 AM, December 22nd (Sunday)

Only time will tell from this point on, but hopefully my next post about us, will be in the recovery forums.
Please, please, please do not get ahead of yourself. I know you hope for R. I understand that, but we''ve seen it time and again when the WS confesses and answers some questions. I fear this doesn''t indicate remorse on her part as much as an attempt to spin things and control the discussion. You caught her...more than once...and she is now admitting to things.

BS are often advised they have to be prepared to lose the M in order to save it. Your WW needs to see that you will not live with her being in an A.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3652 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Edith
Member
Member # 38337
Default  Posted: 6:52 AM, December 22nd (Sunday)

So sorry Spond, the exact same thing happened to me. You are being trickle truthed, the WS version of damage control. I wish I had done things differently on D-day, but sadly I was lied to and manipulated. He told me he had gone no contact, but continued secretly for 3 months. I believe much of my pain could have been avoided if I had been stronger and put my foot down.

Please read up on the 180, and I would strongly advise you to destroy some of her favorite stuff, i.e. phone, iPod Touch, tablet, PC, underwear, etc. A nice little conflagration in the family barbecue would be a good start, but remember, safety first. Wish I had destroyed some stuff, it probably would have helped me feel better.

Take care, I'm sorry you are going through this.

E.


Lies are manipulations. Always.

Posts: 339 | Registered: Feb 2013
jb3199
Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, December 22nd (Sunday)

Listen to Brandon. The quickest path to failure, is to attempt to rush through this process. I know that you want to reconcile, but your wife has to be of reconcilable material to do so.

Look at your first post in this thread, just two days ago:


She is remorseful and takes ownership of her actions.

to this:

Well you guys were right. Today she revealed the full blown A to me, during the month of August.

I am not showing you this to be an asshole, I just want you to know that I understand that your mind is racing in every direction, and you want to get past this misery that you have been in for the last few months. But you have to keep in mind that dealing with infidelity is a process, and takes a lot of time to work through...even with a remorseful spouse(which I don't believe you have at this moment. She may be on the right path, and defogging, but she has a way to go to find real remorse).

She has to do some deep digging. She has to learn to become a healthy, safe partner for you to engage with. As bad as her affair was, it would be worse to have more in the future. And this is where your WW needs to get to work. She not only betrayed you, but she betrayed herself, and that is hard to live with....unless she keeps the wayward mindset.

It's a long road ahead, but if you two are committed to reconciliation, then that is a good start. There will be a lot more pain along the way, and it has to be dealt with....healthily. Don't be afraid to analyze everything until it all makes sense to you. Make sure that your gut feels secure, and you are confident that you have knowledge of everything that you want to know(I didn't need every dirty detail, but my WW would have given me that information if I asked).

Then process it. Absorb it. And learn from it.

You have all the time in the world, if you are recommitting together. Don't rush this. Let her EARN your trust back in her.


BH-46
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 1983 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
happyman64
Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, December 22nd (Sunday)

spond

She is trickle trothing you.

Listen to the previous posters.

Your wife is still lying to you.

Keep the polygraph date. If she balks then make her leave and expose the affair to everyone.

Make her get tested for std's.

Get the OM's identity and expose the affair to his spouse.

Do not tell your wife you are going to do this. Show her real consequences.

Because if she does not start telling you all the truth and showing you real remorse then you have nothing to work with to reconcile.

Keep posting.

HM


Posts: 790 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
jjct
Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, December 22nd (Sunday)

Important point, bears repeating so you don't miss it:

Do not tell your wife you are going to do this.


Posts: 6423 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
spond
Member
Member # 41686
Default  Posted: 7:21 AM, December 23rd (Monday)

I asked her some painful questions last night. About the A nights and the encounters. She answered every one of them and didn't try to avoid the questions.

I went to Walmart and bought her a cheap silver wedding band and asked her to wear it until she has earned her real ones back. She agreed.

It was a very rough day yesterday.

Today though I'm feeling better.


BH(me) | fWW
2 Kids - Married 2002
D-Day TT & EA | D-Day #2 PA
Reconciling

Posts: 358 | Registered: Dec 2013
spond
Member
Member # 41686
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, January 13th (Monday)

Well it has been a while since I have updated...

Last week I called the AP's SO and informed her of the affair. She left work and went home and confronted him immediately. He works a goofy shift so he was home at the time. I emailed her with what proof I still had left. AP talked with my WW @ work and told her that, "We shouldn't talk at all...even if it's work related." Which she had already texted him saying work only communication, but I guess his SO thought otherwise.

Which brings up another point.... NEVER EVER... destroy proof. Early on(Aug/Sept) when I learned of the EA/sexting, I deleted the text messages. So they weren't there when showing the proof to the AP's SO.

Before I thought I couldn't move on without one of them leaving the company they work at, but since the AP's SO know about it know, I think it will be possible.

MC was last week as well and another this week. I like this MC better then the one we had in Sept.

WW has been completely remorseful and honest lately. She has spent a lot of time trying to understand why she did it. She has plans on starting IC soon. She has also spent a lot of time on these forums as well and reading books on affairs and recovery. She owns her actions 110%.

Anyways... still hope.


BH(me) | fWW
2 Kids - Married 2002
D-Day TT & EA | D-Day #2 PA
Reconciling

Posts: 358 | Registered: Dec 2013
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, January 13th (Monday)

Before I thought I couldn''t move on without one of them leaving the company they work at, but since the AP''s SO know about it know, I think it will be possible.
Do NOT let your guard down just because the OM''s BW knows. That is another scenario that has played out ad nauseum. Many A''s have continued/escalated/restarted even after it has been outed to both BS.

"We shouldn''t talk at all...even if it''s work related." Which she had already texted him saying work only communication, but I guess his SO thought otherwise.
Ok, this bothers me. You are assuming his SO thought otherwise. Please make sure. It is possible your WW texted him the NC message but then spoke to him later and said "I had to send that." Please remember that she was the one who said, not once but twice, "I can''t see you." instead of "I don''t want to see you.".

Anyways... still hope.
I don''t want you to stop hoping. Remember that all great teams hope to win, but they make that hope a reality by preparing against losing. Do not stop protecting yourself. Know the saying "Trust but verify"? Well you honestly should not even attempt trust at this point so all that is left is to verify. Always verify.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3652 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Topic Posts: 22