The what ifs were agony for me.
There's a saying I love "the harder you work, the harder it is to surrender."
I can't tell you how often I burst into tears. At the shops, at work, just walking down the street, whilst having a coffee and even during a work meeting.
I also wondered how everyone could just go about their business - didn't they realise the world had fallen off its axis?
I felt like I was in a bubble of despair, furiously trying to connect but I just couldn't because I was completely and totally broken.
4 day after DD I had to attend a charity battle of the bands event. Thank god I wasn't on stage that year. I'm usually running around talking to everyone - I know everyone, I'm the life of the party even stone cold sober. 4 days out from DD I could almost see the barrier between me and everyone else. I felt like my grief was so palpable people were avoiding me like a wary canine would. I felt so detached from the world around me.
Truth is *I* was fundamentally different - they were exactly the same.
Then there was the sneering at happy families. I used to move seats if some happy family happened to be foolish enough to be near me.
I no longer feel that way. I'm plugged back into my life and the world around me.
It passes, I promise. I didn't believe it when they said it to me but they were spot on. Keep up the NC and pour your energy into yourself. He is AWOL, FUBAR - gone.