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User Topic: new ow just called me
cantaccept
Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, December 21st (Saturday)

She would not give her name but apologized. He told her he was going through a divorce.

She told me that they have known each other for years. Ran into each other during the summer.

Texting just got flirtatious over the last two months.

He is a lying piece of shit.

Sorry to post this here. It just feels like my home.

I made it to work. Really really hurting. My body and my mind.

He sat with me in therapy every monday and lied. He watched me cry, he heard me cry in my sleep.

He is a monster.


"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divor


Posts: 1425 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
learningtofeel
Member
Member # 39543
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, December 21st (Saturday)

((((((cantaccept))))))

I am heartbroken for you.


M 1989
3 young adult kids
D-Day 4.13.13
WS (him): 7 OW over 15 years
BS (me): had no clue

Posts: 101 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, December 21st (Saturday)

Gawdammit! I''m so very, very sorry.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4935 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, December 21st (Saturday)

You know cantaccept, I sure hope this doesn't sound shitty, but I am relieved to know this. Because he kept having all the signs in the way he treated you. Lack of remorse is just lack of remorse, you know? And as hard as we try to fit the square peg into the round hole, we are proven time and again that it doesn't work.

YOU did all you could. It has been proven to you again that this is not about YOU.

Steel yourself against his love bombing. I think he will try to come crawling back again when this goes to shit. "now I finally hit rock bottom" kind of thing. Go NC honey. Shields up!!!


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6549 | Registered: Jan 2011
StillStanding1
Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, December 21st (Saturday)

^^^^^. Me too. I can't stop thinking about you. This is just an awful way to end it. Couldn't he have just given yo your freedom long ago and not made you suffer more? Did he think he was doing you a "favor" by staying and going through the motions???? I just can't fathom the lack of conscience or empathy. Sick. Just sick. So glad you threw his shit outside. He deserved it.

Hope the OW kicks him to the curb too. Hope karma is on his tail. Couldn't happen to a nicer guy.

Lots and lots of virtual hugs. Is your son home???

ETA: Lots of us posting simultaneously.... My "^^^me too" was for being heartbroken for you. That said, I totally agree also that you need to steel yourself against any groveling. He is not
worth your time or pain.

[This message edited by StillStanding1 at 12:06 PM, December 21st (Saturday)]


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 715 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
PinkJeepLady
Member
Member # 37575
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, December 21st (Saturday)

Just one more unbelievable turn on this crazy journey. What do you think about her apology? Sounds like there might be some trouble in "paradise" brewing??? Too freakin bad!!!!

You go girl, just keep on going!!! I know you are hurting all over, so be nice to YOU!!! You have to make your personal care a priority. You are in crisis mode, take breaths, drink water, take time outs from the crisis at hand.

You will not only survive this but go on to a truly happy life. We are all right here behind you, pulling for you every step of the way!!! Hang on!!!


Me: BW-54. Him-FWH 54. DDay June 1st 2012 cheating with prostitutes overseas
R-ing
"Not everything that counts is counted. Not everything that is counted counts." Albert Einstein

Posts: 490 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Out West
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, December 21st (Saturday)

She wouldn't give her name huh? Why? Because when you find out she's lying you won't know who to hate?

Sorry - I know there is no OW venting here. That isn't a 'vent'. It's an observation. If you have nothing to hide, why hide your name?


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
jjsr
Member
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, December 21st (Saturday)

I agree, if she is telling the truth why not tell you her name?
But I would certainly have my spidey senses up


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1647 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
cantaccept
Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, December 21st (Saturday)

just checked the phone log. they are texting all afternoon.

I just cannot believe how long this has been going on.

All the dday antiversaries I suffered through alone, he was texting her.

The exact same shit all over again. Even his excuse, "I gave up", "our marriage was over". stupid , what forum am I in???

a little psychotic posting today.

I am doing a lot better tonight. Tomorrow I will be even better.


"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divor


Posts: 1425 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, December 21st (Saturday)

((Cantaccept)) not sure it really matters who she is. You know enough. As others have suggested in your other thread you are no longer in limbo. Choice made,

Hugs to you!!


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5280 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, December 21st (Saturday)

just checked the phone log. they are texting all afternoon.

Exactly. She's really sorry, huh?

I'm sorry Can. She's trying to make herself feel better, but she isn't sorry.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
StillStanding1
Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, December 21st (Saturday)

Ok. The vindictive side of me just is curious if he discovered his belongings yet? Where is he living?

So glad you are already "bouncing back" a bit. I think that, because you (we BSs) have suffered so much already, we already are stronger and better equipped for
this additional heartbreak.... Perhaps because our guard has remained up to some degree. Just glad you are not despairing. You will be better off once you clear him out
of your life.

[This message edited by StillStanding1 at 5:42 PM, December 21st (Saturday)]


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 715 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
steadfast1973
Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, December 21st (Saturday)

Since when can we not OW vent in General? I've been avoiding the R board, because I still have a lot of venting!

Sorry to hear this, Can...

[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 6:22 PM, December 21st (Saturday)]


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
Kalliopeia
Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, December 21st (Saturday)

I was kind of wondering where he is at right now, too.

I am depressed for you.


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
JerseyCowgirl
Member
Member # 41441
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, December 21st (Saturday)

He deserves the worst that fate can throw at him. Please take good care of yourself right now.. you just got hit
with another truck. My thoughts will be with you tonight as you try to start to heal.


Me: Divorced 2012
I know that when I truly love & honor myself I am at my best & most complete; and I will never settle for anything less from myself or from anyone else ever again!

Posts: 336 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Have not decided where to land yet!
sad12008
Member
Member # 18179
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, December 21st (Saturday)

(((cantaccept)))

I'm so sorry. He so totally doesn't deserve you. FTG. I'm sending you strength.

You know it's not you; he's the shit, the total steaming shit.


You can't fill a cup with no bottom.

Posts: 3893 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: a new start together
somanyyears
Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, December 21st (Saturday)


..
He is a lying piece of shit.

..and what do we do with shit??? FLUSH him!

smy


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4129 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
cantaccept
Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 2:50 AM, December 22nd (Sunday)

Good morning everyone!

I am up very early again but this is nothing new. I fell asleep at 5:30pm until 8:30 then back asleep by 10 until 3. I think that may be a record! No nightmares!

My head keeps coming up with new questions but I answer myself with, "I just don't care anymore". It's true. Every quality that I loved about him is not true, it was all a façade. Sure cannot love a façade. When my heart gets that ache, I miss him, the rational is taking over, "no you don't, you only miss who you thought he was". It's kind of funny to realize that I really don't want him back, I want him gone from my life.

He pretty much is now. Just some stuff that has to be gotten rid of. The divorce that needs to be taken care of and in his words, "it's just a piece of paper".

I have plans for Christmas eve, my sons and granddaughter for dinner. Christmas day I am going with a friend to her families house and then to visit my sister and another friend.

As for stbxwh, he is living in a fleabag motel, saw it on his bank account. Maybe alone,maybe not, it's irrelevant to me.

He did not pick up his stuff. My son came over and we put it into garbage bags and into the garage with the clinging snow.

I had called the police for info and they told me not to leave it there as he could press charges against me but that putting it in the garage was fine.

He texted me yesterday, "please bring my stuff in. everyone already knows I am scum, you have made your point". Poor baby, feeling so ashamed.

His plans for Christmas, eve going to his brothers with all of his family, that have been so supportive of me through this whole year, knowing what he did, again. Knowing that he has been lying not just to me but to them also. I made sure they all know and how long it's been going on.

On Dec 28th, family vacation, his family a week in St. Thomas. He gets to stay in a rental house with his mother and sisters and brother in laws. His embarrassment is already packed, the one thing I packed for him, wouldn't want him to forget it.

Another piece to all this is that my mother in law and father in law are divorcing. Fifty plus years. He knocked her down and she broke her arm. He is also having an affair. I am thinking that mom might have a "bit" of anger.

My last conversation with mother in law yesterday. "honey there is something missing in them. You will be fine. Some man is going to come along and scoop you up and love you to pieces", that from my mother in law.

It really is easier this time and different. I am different. I didn't get too sad. Last time I was so broken, I felt like there was something wrong with me. I felt like I was not good enough and he found someone better.

Now, seeing how easy it is for him to find something new they both are irrelevant. They don't mean anything to him, he is just looking for that ego stroking. So, it's not that I am not enough, he is not enough, I am too much for him. I am too good for him. He just doesn't know how to handle a real woman, he is afraid. I show up his deficiencies.

I have grown so much in myself this year. I value me in a very real way that I never could before. I have standards and expectations! He couldn't meet them and I had really already decided I was done so that helps too.

What got me so angry was thinking about the months of effort on my part. I knew in my gut that he was not all in, I could feel it. Now that I know why, it all makes sense. I was driving myself crazy trying to understand what was wrong. He was lying to everyone, even his therapist.

So, I am looking forward to my new life. It still hurts but not nearly like it did last year. It's more of a sadness about having been "taken in" than that heart wrench feeling of abandonment and loss of love. Can't lose what you never had.

It will take some time to build a new life. I am already taking steps for that. I neglected my life, what was important to me, never again.

I just really do feel okay. It isn't what I wanted nor expected for my life but the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Now it is time for different actions! My insanity is over.

He on the other hand is still behaving insanely. When I was so angry the other night and he was packing, I was screaming every ugly thing I thought about him. In a moment of calm, I looked at him and said, "you should come with a warning label on your forehead". The look on his face was priceless. It is still making me laugh.

I will be good, not just okay but good. I feel it, not just think it but feel it. That is good.


"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divor


Posts: 1425 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 3:33 AM, December 22nd (Sunday)

So, it's not that I am not enough, he is not enough, I am too much for him. I am too good for him. He just doesn't know how to handle a real woman, he is afraid. I show up his deficiencies.

Love this! So happy for you that you've arrived at this place already. You're going to be okay when all is said & done. You're going to make it. You're well on your way!


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9827 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 4:21 AM, December 22nd (Sunday)

My last conversation with mother in law yesterday. "honey there is something missing in them. You will be fine. Some man is going to come along and scoop you up and love you to pieces", that from my mother in law.

This ^^[^ made me cry....I thought my cry-er was brokem

I wish you the most awesome future!!! Now you know, now you can start anew. I am sorry it couldn't turn out the way you wanted but you MIL is right :)


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5134 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
cantaccept
Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 5:35 AM, December 22nd (Sunday)

I think it turned out the only way it could if I am to ever have a chance to get what I want.

I sure was never going to get it with him!

I think it probably feels like when someone gets scammed for money. He scammed me for my heart. Well come to think of it, probably money too! He does not have the best work record.

What the hell did I see in him???

The truth is a wonderful thing. It is empowering.

Can


"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divor


Posts: 1425 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
ILINIA
Member
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, December 22nd (Sunday)

Just reading your recent posts makes me happy for you. Yes, it is a hard time, but you have such a feeling a freedom and lightness to you like that weight is finally gone and you can now fly!

I'm always touched when a member of the SI family hits a wall or bump and thinks of us and shares their wisdom and thoughts during some of the hardest moments of their lives. We are a family, a little dysfunctional but family!

Your MIL was right, you deserve to be loved to pieces!


Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 492 | Registered: Jul 2013
katmandude54
New Member
Member # 35992
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, December 22nd (Sunday)

Unless the in-laws have been through it, or unless they are exceptional people, they have no path but to support their kid, no matter what he/she did. Like your in-laws, Can, they are also in the throes of a OW/BS situation, so mil knows what is going on and can be supportive of her DIL.
My MIL, thou she was not affected by an affair, does have a very emotionally distant hub, whom might have had an affair, don't know. But she's been somewhat supportive of me and has said things to her daughter about the affairs, not that it has helped. That only served to push them apart some, since MIL told me things. Go figure.

[This message edited by katmandude54 at 9:19 AM, December 22nd (Sunday)]


If at first you don't succeed, you're probably screwed.

Posts: 39 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: FLORIDA
StillStanding1
Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, December 22nd (Sunday)

Can, you are so strong and I am so glad to "hear" the fight in your "voice"! I KNOW you are going to be fine. Better than fine. You are going to flourish in your new future. It is going to be so much more rewarding and enjoyable when you can finally direct your energy and attention to more worthwhile "causes". I'm actually getting excited for you. (I know it will still be a painful path but you will overcome!!!!)

I hope you have a peaceful Christmas !


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 715 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
cantaccept
Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, December 29th (Sunday)

she was a liar too. I met her. wh did work at her house I was there. met her and he boyfiend.

I figured it out tonight.

They ar all liars.

Why? why? I feel so crushed again for nothing. he destreoyed me for nothing.


"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divor


Posts: 1425 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
PinkJeepLady
Member
Member # 37575
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, December 29th (Sunday)

Seriously???? Another crazy turn for sure!
Wow, she sure is a good liar, what gets me is how fast they can come up with this crap. I mean really, it just flows right out of their mouths.
Exactly, WHY??? We will never know can, we just will never know.
I am so sorry you are still dealing with craziness. It is so hard, liars seem to run in packs don't they?
Geez, from your first post about OW I thought she sounded like someone who might be somewhat ok, like she had been lied to and didn't know about you. uh huh, not so.
Hang in there! Huge hugs to you tonight!
Take care


Me: BW-54. Him-FWH 54. DDay June 1st 2012 cheating with prostitutes overseas
R-ing
"Not everything that counts is counted. Not everything that is counted counts." Albert Einstein

Posts: 490 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Out West
MakingLemonade
Member
Member # 41143
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, December 29th (Sunday)

((((Can)))),

Because OPs are just as broken as WSs-deceitful, self absorbed, fantasy driven crazies.

We are dumbfounded because we are not that. We are decent and respectful people who live in reality. (That's why I love SI!)

You are on the beginning of the ride I started nine months ago. Your pain is still fresh for me. Know that I am cheering for you!

ML


Me: 40's; XBS Him: 40's; XWS/NPD/SA
D-day 1: 5/2007- A #1; 7/2007 A #1 continued-R
D-day 2: 3/2013 A #2/multi-ONSs; 4/2013 A #2 continues to present
D: 7/2013 (25 yrs together; days shy of 22nd anniversary-GOAL MET!)
Our kids: teen & tween

Posts: 168 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Southern US
jb3199
Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 1:58 AM, December 30th (Monday)

I figured it out tonight.

They ar all liars.

And THAT is why you are distancing yourself from them. They deserve one another.

(((cantaccept)))


BH-47
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2072 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
Topic Posts: 28