User Topic: I'm sad about this, but i'm grateful about it too
Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, December 21st (Saturday)

Okay, we all agree this kind of pain sucks like nothing else.

But does anyone else also know and see and feel the real gains that we are getting, even glimpses of why we had to go through this? I'm starting to.

The Benefits of Going through hell (for me):

1) Getting out of a relationship which was not healthy from the beginning, but which I was too enmeshed into break away. I needed to break away. I think the only way I would have done it is this way; otherwise I would have wasted my entire life with a man who sold me swampland in Florida! And then I refused to believe I was living in a swamp! I was drowning! Now I'm swimming and it's hard as hell but, oh, my analogy is failing! I hope it makes some sense!

2) Recognizing that I was living an illusion. Getting more in touch with my own reality and hopefully being smarter in the future.

3) Single life is very, very scary but I've always loved adventure and I used to love exploring new things! I will have so much new to explore! I've been so bored and stuck for so long; time to spread my wings and fly!

4) In my case, when my Dad died, my brother and I got into a big problem about the house. Never resolved. I think this is going to indirectly force that issue toward resolution, which is a positive!

5) FINALLY get out of this town and back to where my family and my heart is in my home town. I've wanted out of here FOREVER; now i have no more strings.

6) Finding out how strong I really am. I can fall apart, and I know I will get up. I gain strength every day (NOW, not at first) by surviving, and then waking up. Every day is different and every day I am surviving.

7) Gave my mother an opportunity to finally be there for me. It was very healing for us both.

8) Brought me and my sister in law closer.

9) Other....

I wouldn't have been able to see any benefits before, but now i can. I'm not completely over the hump but I'm getting So much closer, every darn day!!!

Me BS 49, ExWS: narcissist! Jekyll Hyde. Left in secret early July, moved states. Now homeless but getting it together. Necessary but difficult(!) transition! Sad sad sad but hopeful.

Posts: 554 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
Member # 20125
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, December 21st (Saturday)

Yes, I can relate.

I'm grateful for my growth during this hell. I'm learning to transform poison into medicine.

Of course, I'd much rather have a faithful partner, but heck, I have no control over that. However, I can choose to love and cherish myself more out of this hell.

[This message edited by lemony.2008 at 9:46 PM, December 21st (Saturday)]

Feel the feelings and drop the story. - Pema Chodron

Posts: 2243 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Member # 36307
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, December 21st (Saturday)

One word


BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
So done,

Posts: 618 | Registered: Jul 2012
Member # 18622
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, December 21st (Saturday)

Another word:


[This message edited by Chicky at 11:19 PM, December 21st (Saturday)]

There's a difference between giving up and knowing when you've had enough.

Posts: 558 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Somewhere Over The Rainbow
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 11:34 PM, December 21st (Saturday)

I'm happy for you. I, too, have gained some positive things, as a result of surviving my xWW's infidelity. Unfortunately, I'm not sure my 4 year old son and seven year old daughter will count this as a plus in their lives.

Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 957 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 12:32 AM, December 22nd (Sunday)

I didn't see the positive side for me until I really detached. I saw a few little poitives but the big ones came later. At first it was being able to decorate and having control of the remote. Now I see so much more.

1. I had always done anything to help xWH and the kids achieve their goals. I left mine on the wayside. I am following my dreams and finding out that it is okay for me to have my own life.

2. I am able to have direct relationships with the kids and other family members without xWH being in between. Those relationships are much better and more honest.

3. I had given so much of myself without asking for anything in return, I lost myself and my own value. I have both myself and my worth and I will never lose either again.

4. I found my pride.

I love this thread, thank you.

Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1778 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
Member # 41441
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, December 22nd (Sunday)

Nicely said! And perfect example of what the 180 is all about--You and gaining back your self-respect.

Me: Divorced 2012
I know that when I truly love & honor myself I am at my best & most complete; and I will never settle for anything less from myself or from anyone else ever again!

Posts: 336 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Have not decided where to land yet!
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, December 22nd (Sunday)

Recovery in Action!!! Love it.

Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2713 | Registered: Jan 2010
Member # 41631
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, December 22nd (Sunday)

So nice to hear about the positive effects. Very inspiring Thanks for sharing!

Me: 35
2 amazing kids DS DD
almost Divorced!

Posts: 283 | Registered: Dec 2013
Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, December 22nd (Sunday)

Everyone here posting, thank you for reading and responding and thanks for the nice comments!

I hate that I had to go through this to gain things, but I really wonder if it had to be this way. Like I really needed to get those things, and this was, for WHATEVER reason, the only way.

Makes one wonder. Makes me wonder!

And I'm not being all Pollyanna about this. I'm actually NOT grateful for suffering. But I am grateful for the gifts of suffering, the opening of eyes, the freedom that comes from FORCING myself out of my situation, even with fear and trembling.

And I'm still a ball of anxiety half the time, and can't eat. I'm skinny and weak somedays and I'm still struggling. But that's okay, well it sucks, but it's kind of okay because i see the gifts and I want them much more than i want my old life back.

Hugs to all. And myself. ((I need hugs too.))

Edited for schmaltz.

[This message edited by TheAgonyOfIt at 5:09 PM, December 22nd (Sunday)]

Me BS 49, ExWS: narcissist! Jekyll Hyde. Left in secret early July, moved states. Now homeless but getting it together. Necessary but difficult(!) transition! Sad sad sad but hopeful.

Posts: 554 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, December 22nd (Sunday)

Someone posted something like this the other day, and it's stuck with me. I don't remember the original thread or who to give credit for the quote, but I think it's applicable to this thread:

"New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings"

Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, December 23rd (Monday)

New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings


If we get to this understanding, the pain starts to lift. It may not be gone, but we're moving through the trial.

Now all I need is a huge injection of courage, and damm the anxiety that has my stomach a flurry.

[This message edited by TheAgonyOfIt at 10:51 AM, December 23rd (Monday)]

Me BS 49, ExWS: narcissist! Jekyll Hyde. Left in secret early July, moved states. Now homeless but getting it together. Necessary but difficult(!) transition! Sad sad sad but hopeful.

Posts: 554 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
Topic Posts: 12