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User Topic: why does a ws have a character change (general discussion)
sullymeishadomi
Member
Member # 16305
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, December 22nd (Sunday)

I wanted to post this when it happened, but the last two days were hell and I was in a bad mood.

Anyway....Friday, I was in the corner snarfing down some awesome soup (no time for a proper lunch) and doing paperwork when ow's cousin came in and glared at me from the other side of the room.

After she left a customer and I laughed over the glare. Customer said "this town is a real Payton Place".

She began to tell me about our chief who was having an affair with a bubbly but agressive coworker of hers. I was shocked but asked if the affair began about 3 yrs ago. She thought for a moment and then said "yes".

I had noticed a change in him. He went from authorative and nice/funny to authorative but with an edge of condescending assholeness about him. Time line matches up.

I knew a coworker who was having an affair. He was boss. Many people who worked under him complained he was an utter asshole. He also prefered people who were mean and nasty (like him?). When the affair ended, he changed

Idiot, I can tell when he fights with her because he is an asshole to everyone. When he fights with me, he is an asshole only to me.

What is with the Mr. Hyde behavior toward others, not just their bs? The fact everyone knows about it, its not like they are sneaking around. **I** (I.e. purely my opinion, not fact) doubt there is shame involved bc of the openness of the affair. So again, what is up with the Mr Hyde?

[This message edited by sullymeishadomi at 10:37 AM, December 22nd (Sunday)]


People tell you exactly who they are...why expect them to be what they are not ....will be divorcing the selfish creep.

Posts: 8270 | Registered: Sep 2007
nomistakeaboutit
Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, December 22nd (Sunday)

Here are three guesses.

....maybe it's due to a lowered level of self esteem?

...maybe it is the transference of anger and disgust, which they direct toward others instead of at themselves?

...or, maybe they're just really assholes and have stopped hiding it because they feel so self satisfied.


Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 944 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
devasted30
Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, December 22nd (Sunday)

I agree. I think they are disgusted with themselves and their behavior (in most cases) and therefore with everyone else they come in contact with. I believe that is called "transference". And, obviously, with that goes the low self esteem.
But, just like nomistakeaboutit said, some are just assholes - through and through

Posts: 1188 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
MakingLemonade
Member
Member # 41143
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, December 22nd (Sunday)

Interesting. My tween is home early from visitation weekend because his dad is being overly hostile. I warned him, his dad and OW may be having issues and he is taking it out on him. You've only strengthened my suspicions.

I don't know about other situations, but my XWS was brooding and sarcastic. There were other reasons to explain it away (terminally sick mother and his business becoming a sinking ship), but it was actually the affairs/ONSs.


Me: 40's; XBS Him: 40's; XWS/NPD/SA
D-day 1: 5/2007- A #1; 7/2007 A #1 continued-R
D-day 2: 3/2013 A #2/multi-ONSs; 4/2013 A #2 continues to present
D: 7/2013 (25 yrs together; days shy of 22nd anniversary-GOAL MET!)
Our kids: teen & tween

Posts: 168 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Southern US
20Hopeful16
Member
Member # 40487
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, December 22nd (Sunday)

Although everyone has been shocked to find out WH is cheating, the initial shock has also been followed by... oh, so that's why he's been acting so strange.

Definite change in personality that lines right up with the start of the affair. No one really thought too much about it because we all thought he was just working through MIL's death.


Me: BS (39)
Three Beautiful Children 12,9,5
DD: 8/24/13
Heading for divorce
Moving on with life

Posts: 107 | Registered: Aug 2013
TheAgonyOfIt
Member
Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 12:30 AM, December 23rd (Monday)

Fascinating question. So many behaviors common to cheaters!!

Maybe it's also due to the sheer stress of living a double secret life!

Maybe all cheaters are just STUPID.

I don't care WTF their IQ is; they are nearly all moronic in their thinking and emotional idiocy.

They're idiots. the more I read the stories here, the more I keep saying to myself, oh what an idiot!!!

So its Stupid Stressed Out Idiot Cheaters being Assholes.

[This message edited by TheAgonyOfIt at 9:56 AM, December 23rd (Monday)]


Me BS 49, ExWS: narcissist! Jekyll Hyde. Left in secret early July, moved states. Now homeless but getting it together. Necessary but difficult(!) transition! Sad sad sad but hopeful.

Posts: 554 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
Healinggirl
Member
Member # 39747
Default  Posted: 3:23 AM, December 23rd (Monday)

FWH had no character change when he was paying whores. I never suspected a thing.

With the affair - massive difference. We were talking about this only last night. He said she was constantly texting and phoning, keeping it all in 'real life'. He couldn't compartmentalise it. He was afraid of being found out, and coupled with an amount of guilt he said when he wasn't with her he felt bad.

If a WS is basically decent at heart they feel guilt for going against their own values, and they fear being found out.

Just my thought.

X


Me 58
WS 58 Sexually abused as a boy
OW Prostitutes in double figures
OW number ??? Just another immoral female

D Day 11 November 2012
Reconciling

You can't scale a mountain in a single step


Posts: 145 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Uk
steadfast1973
Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, December 23rd (Monday)

Oh, when the porn amped up, so did the shame... So did his bad attitude, once he started contacting hookers, he became a total asshole, to everyone around him. Just plain pissy all the time. The stress of all that hiding maybe? I know that all of the justifications he gave himself, caused him to change very base principles. Plus there was the frustration of all of it not working, and needing to be amped up, once more... For the past 6 months he was occassionally himself (usually after a successful porn session, or chat), but for the most part, a totally different person.

[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 6:54 AM, December 23rd (Monday)]


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2256 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
Dawn58
Member
Member # 37656
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, December 23rd (Monday)

My WS affair had gone on for 4 months before I found out. I had no clue anything was going on. He was texting her while he was lying next to bed to me for two mornings in a row, trying to hide the screen from me - that's when I knew there was something going on.

He had been a nasty ass to me the last few weeks. I attributed it to the fact that the company he worked for was sold out from under him.

But no, it was because he was pushing me away, forgetting who I was, so he could move on with his next fix. I stood in the way of "true love". He was such a coward, never had the balls to tell me the truth. Just treated me like dirt. I remember how confused I felt, he treated me like I had just killed his family. With such disdain and disgust. I know now who's behavior was truly disgusting.....I have no respect for him as a person any longer. So very grateful that he is out of my life. His (now) fiancee mistress has no clue what is coming down the tracks.


I got into the marriage, because I loved him. I got out of the marriage, because I love me.

Posts: 468 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
Dawn58
Member
Member # 37656
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, December 23rd (Monday)

Maybe it's not a character change but an unveiling of who they really are......


I got into the marriage, because I loved him. I got out of the marriage, because I love me.

Posts: 468 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
7yrsflushed
Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, December 23rd (Monday)

Maybe it's not a character change but an unveiling of who they really are......
^^^This times a billion!! This is especially true as it relates to LTA's. For the truly unremorseful WS's, the person they portray to their spouse is the mask and the real person is who they are during the A.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1903 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
MakingLemonade
Member
Member # 41143
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, December 23rd (Monday)

Think Dawn is on to something there. Crazy stuff came out of my now XWH's mouth when we separated. Felt like after 25 years of knowing him, I was getting a glimpse through a window into his mind and how it really worked and viewed the world. Self consumed sicko who has little to no regard for others.


Me: 40's; XBS Him: 40's; XWS/NPD/SA
D-day 1: 5/2007- A #1; 7/2007 A #1 continued-R
D-day 2: 3/2013 A #2/multi-ONSs; 4/2013 A #2 continues to present
D: 7/2013 (25 yrs together; days shy of 22nd anniversary-GOAL MET!)
Our kids: teen & tween

Posts: 168 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Southern US
Eudaimonia
Member
Member # 32445
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, December 23rd (Monday)

I can tell when he fights with her because he is an asshole to everyone. When he fights with me, he is an asshole only to me.

I''m guessing this is because you are still "villain #1" to him? I wish I had some kind of concrete (even if generalized or approximated!!!) dates or timeframe because then I could demarcate the freaking behaviors!!!! My guess is that my case is probably very similar to everyone else''s. Though, I didn''t see any hint of it. At all.


So long, and thanks for all the fish!

Posts: 472 | Registered: Jun 2011
sullymeishadomi
Member
Member # 16305
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, December 23rd (Monday)

I dont know how to correctly explain this next comment but I will do my best: its part of the drill that the ws treats the bs like crap. They need to find a way to justify their wrong doings. The insist to themselves and everyone else the bs is a complete shit and thats why they cheated

What I am questioning is the overall behavior change. How they behave to everyone around them.

Lets take the chief of police. Like I said I have known him for 13 yrs. There was no question he had authoirity but he was kind and funny. Then about three yrs ago something changed. There was an air of nasty sarcasm (as opposed to funny sarcasm). Its not that he has to hide anything. Infidelity is common place where I work. I have called the town Payton Place as has my client. Chiefs slut isnt one to hide it. To say those skanks (both. ws and ap) have no shame is accurate.

So if they are not ashamed of what they are doing then why be the jerk?

My one coworker knew what he was doing was wrong. He would fit the standard ws of whom knows what he is doing is wrong...when he removed his head from his ass, he was a decent guy.

The now exmayor is an ass who is a serial cheater.

To recap, I can see why a ws is nasty to a bs and why. I am just baffled why they would be a jerk to everyone...esp when they dont have shame.


People tell you exactly who they are...why expect them to be what they are not ....will be divorcing the selfish creep.

Posts: 8270 | Registered: Sep 2007
Topic Posts: 14