SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
New Beginnings
User Topic: Do I be the bigger person? Or do I continue nc as I have?
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, December 22nd (Sunday)

So.... my daughter's sperm donor and his mother have not willingly seen my daughter since she was about 4 months old. She will 17 months old on January 3rd, 2014. The last time they saw her, was not willingly. It was at the Social Services office when they forced him to come in for a paternity test (as he did not come to the hospital the day she was born - my choice) and he just willingly signed paternity and opted out of the test because it would have cost his mother like $300 and they knew Piper was his.

We tried to let his mother hold her and she gave my sister the look of death and snapped at her, "NO I DON'T WANT HER!" and refused to hold her. Piper was only 9 and a half months old at the time. The social services lady said, "Its their loss!"

Piper has 2 adopted grandmothers....a nana...and a maw maw who are unrelated to her but have taken her as their own and treat her as such. She does not know the difference. My mother is a whole different story for another time....but is also not an active part of her life. Long story.

Anyways...so I found out that his mother is dying of pancreatic cancer. It could be tomorrow....or 6 months from now....but I think she will inevitably die. I spoke to sperm donors ex-wife, who I keep in contact with because she has 2 children that are Piper's half brother and sister and I want Piper to know them. We get along well. She told me that his mom has made amends with everyone....BUT...told her that *I* am the only one that she refuses to make amends with.

I don't know why this woman hates me so much. The only thing I did was not let her come to the hospital for the birth and that was because I heard she was spreading rumors that Piper wasn't her son's child to her grandchilden and she was denying her. I didn't want the stress of having someone there that was not supportive of me, especially when I was attempting natural childbirth without an epidural and needed to concentrate. Plus, her son never came to appointments and when I broke up with him around 8 months pregnant...he just stopped all communication and didn't show any interest in the baby since we were no longer a "couple." And, his mother did the same (which I found odd).

So....here is my question. Do *I* be the bigger person....email her...and tell her that I'm sorry about her situation and wish she had known her granddaughter before she died....or do I continue with NC as I always have and reduce the stress that she has from our mere existence by staying away.... and let her go to the grave with this hatred in her heart because that is her choice to do so?? I hate to speak ill will of anyone who is dying....and I would never wish cancer on my worst enemy.... it is such an unforgivable and unbias disease.... BUT...she was a cold hearted cruel evil BI#CH at social services....

I'm actually thankful sperm donor has stayed away because according to his ex-wife...his 11 year old son has nothing to do with him and he blows off his 13 year old daughter....promising to spend time with her and then not answering her phone calls. He's a worthless POS and his mother enabled him for so many years that she created a 38 year old monster with the mindset of an 8 year old boy!

But, I can't help but feel sorry for his mother and I don't understand why she hates me so much. I've never done anything to her to deserve such discontent.... but maybe it is for the best to just let her die in whatever she considers peace. Even if it just seems so wrong to write off an innocent child like that. But, maybe God is doing Piper and I both a favor by keeping these toxic people at a distance.

Thoughts? Opinions?

Does this make me a bad person by just going on with our lives.....raising my daughter to be a happy and healthy girl....and not making any more attempts at salvaging her biological connections, knowing that one of her blood grandmothers is dying of a horrible disease? I think the holidays have trudged up a lot of emotions on this topic so I had to get it off my chest. Thank you for listening.

Guidance please....

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 11:04 AM, December 22nd (Sunday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
justabrokendream
Member
Member # 3075
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, December 22nd (Sunday)

I would let sleeping dogs lie. If she should reach out that would be another thing. No need for more drama......

Posts: 306 | Registered: Jan 2004 | From: CA
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, December 22nd (Sunday)

You already ARE the bigger person. Don't invite their bullshit back into your life.

Fuck them.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7772 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
clralb
Member
Member # 17185
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, December 22nd (Sunday)

Personally, I would continue the NC. She made this choice.

And no, I don't think it makes you a bad person at all. In fact, even considering reaching out to her makes you a loving and compassionate person.

Some things just never get resolved. You tried.

Save your precious little girl from seeing this bitch lying in a hospital bed. My opinion, anyway.

[This message edited by clralb at 11:22 AM, December 22nd (Sunday)]


"To keep the body in good health is a duty... otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear."
Buddha

Posts: 681 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: southeast
hurtbs
Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, December 22nd (Sunday)

Continue NC. If she wanted to reach out, she would.


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays 2006, and then numerous more
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15325 | Registered: Jun 2006
alphakitte
Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, December 22nd (Sunday)

You are being the bigger person by maintaining NC.


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 350 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
thebighurt
Member
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, December 22nd (Sunday)

I don't understand. Did she actually want to be at the birth, and why would she want that if she denied her son was the father? Did you mention it to her at the time or just ban her? Tough situation for a woman to navigate while giving birth, anyway.

I agree with the others that it's best to stay out of it given her most recent behavior


Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 2388 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
Must Survive
Member
Member # 34533
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, December 22nd (Sunday)

Continue NC. If she hasn't reached out to you by now, she is not going to. Like SS said. Her loss.

The only reason I would consider it, is would it help you. Would it bring any peace to you. Are there questions you need answered from her?


Me BS
WS: Just a squished bug on the window of my life!
Divorcing, STBXH is engaged/living with OW#3

They have a choice: they can live in my new world, or they can die in their old one." Daenerys Targaryen


Posts: 785 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Must Survive
suckstobeme
Member
Member # 30853
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, December 22nd (Sunday)

No, NC is best.

You would have a choice to make if sperm donor or his mother contacted you directly to make a bedside apology. But, you got this third hand from his ex who confirms that family is definitely not the most important thing to these people..

Shelly, you are obviously a very nice, caring, compassionate lady. But, very gently, the way your post is written its very clear that you are way too concerned about why this woman doesn't like you. That concern, if acted on, will only lead to more hurt.

While this is very sad and horrible that Piper won't ever get to know her grandmother, this was all her choice. What we've learned from the mess of infidelity is that we can't control anyone else. You can't control the fact that she wants nothing to do with you or Piper. What you can control is your acceptance of this fact. Who knows why? She's obviously got a lot of issues. She's obviously not a nice, caring person who comes from the same emotional place as you. She's not your problem and you setting a boundary, sticking to it, and making sure to steer clear of any new hurts for you and your daughter does not make you a bad person.


BW - me
ExWH - "that one"
D - 2011
You get what you put in, and people get what they deserve.
Hard as it may be, try to never give the OP any of your power or head space.

Posts: 2842 | Registered: Jan 2011
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, December 22nd (Sunday)

I agree....NC it is!! That's what I figured you guys would say. I think the holidays are making me soft....and making me feel bad for her situation. I will let it go and leave her in peace...if that is what she has.


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Amazonia
Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, December 22nd (Sunday)

Sounds like she reached out to everyone else to make amends, and has chosen not to reach out to you. It might be different if she reached out to you, but she hasn't, so I would agree with the consensus of NC.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13801 | Registered: Jul 2011
Mousse242
Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, December 22nd (Sunday)

You owe her or sperm donor nothing. NC is best. You're not going to change whatever is in her that is broken and you're only going to get hurt if you go there.

Posts: 5473 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
Bluebird26
Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 9:27 PM, December 22nd (Sunday)

Don't pet the drama llama. Don't initiate contact, you will be opening Pandora's box.


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1361 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, December 22nd (Sunday)

I'm not going to say anything to her. She made her bed.....now she can lie in it. I did nothing wrong...except protect myself and my child from their BS. Period. I don't feel bad about that.


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
persevere
Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, December 22nd (Sunday)

I think it's empathetic and kind of you to consider this action, but under the circumstances, it doesn't make sense, because it opens you up to yet more of her toxicity.

If she were to reach out, you might consider things differently, or you might not - it's your call. But, if she's not reaching out, I wouldn't give it a second thought. This is something out of your control.

((Hugs) Shelly and Merry Christmas to you and sweet Piper.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4611 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
gahurts
Member
Member # 33699
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, December 23rd (Monday)

I really think reaching out to her would cause more drama that you don't need.

One thing you could think about is to tell the sprem donor's ex that if the mother was interested in making amends before she dies and meet her sweet adorable little grand-daughter that you are willing but that she has closed the door so she needs to be the one to open it again.

The reason to do this is not for the mother but for you! This would be for your own piece of mind that you did everything you could do but you cannot control their actions or their behavior.


"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie


Posts: 3432 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, December 23rd (Monday)

Who the hell needs these kind of assholes in their life? Dying of cancer or not, she made her choice.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3415 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
ajsmom
Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, December 23rd (Monday)

Just as you can't make people like you (or in this case Piper) you can't make them feel guilty about their own boundary.

For whatever screwed up reason she has it, it's hers to carry to the grave.

There is no relationship here, which is a good thing seeing the high level of toxicity around the both of them.

Trust me - Piper will appreciate a whole lot more the loving people you've put into her life versus someone who keeps denying the truth to herself.


AJ's MOM


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21071 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
She11ybeanz
Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, December 23rd (Monday)

You know....tonight was the 3rd day of my vacation that has been spent basically just my daughter and I.... and we laid on my king-sized bed and wrestled around....and she sat on my chest and grined that big cheesy baby grin at me....her eyes full of happiness, joy, and pure love... and awe ... for ME... her mommy....and it overflowed my cup of love for her...

I'm glad I don't have to share those moments with hateful, hurtful, and toxic people. The social worker was right.... it truly is THEIR LOSS..... I'm the luckiest woman on the planet....

I got my Christmas present early.... a happy... giggly... smiley... gorgeous....healthy baby girl... and she is mine.... all mine. And, I will love her forever....


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Topic Posts: 19