User Topic: When is sex ok/ not ok?
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, December 22nd (Sunday)


We haven't had sex in about 7 months. His decision. Pretty sure that's when it switched from EA to PA.

Anyway, I just miss being with him terribly. Feeling him hold me, etc.

I so badly want to go to the store and buy some condoms and ask him if we can have sex on Christmas Eve or Day. So badly. He had clean STD testing a few months ago, but did not end his A, and I'm not sure if they are still using condoms or what....

...but I just want to be with him so badly...

On the one hand, I tell myself he is my husband, and therefore I am actually the person it's ok for him to have sex with! OTOH, it just seems like it could be a bad idea on a lot of levels.

Please give me some advice.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, December 22nd (Sunday)

You want to be with the man you thought you were married to...he is gone.

He is not interested in R.

Please do not sell yourself short like this. Start healing you, take control of your life.

If you have sex with a man who isn't interested in your marriage you will feel empty, hurt and even more alone.


Please love yourself more.

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3845 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Member # 41407
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, December 22nd (Sunday)

That is a big problem for me as well. When I'm lonely, hurt, aching....who do I want? The man I've spent the last 23 yrs with. However, that's the same man who shattered my heart.
I solved it for me, I left. Lonely? You bet your ass I am

Me: faithful wife 62.
Him: WH 64 , prostitute 20 yr old
DDay: 8-13-2013
Status: boinging up and down like a yo-yo

Posts: 479 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Florida
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, December 22nd (Sunday)

but did not end his A, and I'm not sure if they are still using condoms or what....

..sorry, but the answer has to be a resounding "NO".. simply is not worth the risks and sends him the wrong message.

..if he is still involved with OW, why would you even consider giving him a pass?

..he isn't going to respect you for that, is he?? true to yourself and your values..


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf

Posts: 4129 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, December 22nd (Sunday)

I understand. I did have sex with X when I knew he was still in contact with OW. Even after the D.

Honestly, it was a set back every time. It was confusing and it hurt me. I felt cheap afterwards.

So from personal experience, I do not advise it.


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17679 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
Member # 18442
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, December 22nd (Sunday)

oh my heart hurts for you. thats a hard spot to be in. I have to say I totally understand your spot. I have caved in to this. was it worth it? for the 6 minutes... then I was back to knowing my husband was still screwing other women. if anything while it was happening, I would have moments I just wanted to cry. it didnt happen each time, but some and it was cause I was realizing he was sharing that same type of moment w another person :(

its not worth it. you will probably hurt even more.

the person you married is no longer. they changed. you have to mourn that. maybe even try to date or just hook up with someone else to feel some power.

many hugs

6/07 EX had several Emotional/sexual A
FALSE Reconciles. cheats again. D 5/09
2013- 10 month marriage &D to friend. he was a lyin, freeloadn biploar mess.
NOW? Living my life and loving it.

Posts: 691 | Registered: Mar 2008
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 12:12 AM, December 23rd (Monday)

Nekorb, this is not a good idea - and one of the big reasons why you're risking what remains of your self-esteem here is that HE is the one who stopped having sex!!!!!

You need to be aware that at this point he probably thinks having sex with YOU would be infidelity - to the person he now thinks of as his partner.

Very very gently and with great empathy for a situation I have been in, I say you need to let go of this now. You have NOTHING to lose by doing so.

Work on accepting what you cannot change, and then healing yourself.

Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.

Posts: 872 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 2:32 AM, December 23rd (Monday)

I found that whenever I did what your planning, I felt worse afterward...just empty and dissappointed. Not because sex was bad but because it wasn't the feeling I used to get from him. When your pretty sure the A is still going on, sex can take you too another bad place sometimes. Just my experience. I felt like crying because my husband is gone and I'm now with a ws...they aren't the same person, just the same face.
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank

Posts: 5130 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, December 23rd (Monday)


Advice duly noted and TAKEN.

Thanks. Idea shoved out of head and heart. Well no, heart still wishes for it, but head will rule on this topic thanks to your advice and sharing your experiences.

It makes me sad.

Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, December 23rd (Monday)


When you think about it, come here and post. Keep busy.

You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7761 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Member # 41666
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, December 23rd (Monday)

We went thru about 5 days of this so called "hysterical bonding" with lots of sex. I am the betrayed. The affair was many years ago, but I just confirmed all this.

Since then I have been so haunted with images in my head, that I have a lot of trouble with sex. Only about twice in the last 2-3 weeks.

This may sound strange, but I think other men will understand. When it comes to the big, romantic, bedtime scene, I can't handle it. Kissing, etc makes me imagine her with him. Its like Lifestoshort mentioned, you know they have done this with someone else. Devastating. I can, however, handle the quick, toss her across the bed and get after it scene.

Before you condemn me, she (really) is fine with that right now.

[This message edited by Justgreatnews at 8:11 AM, December 23rd (Monday)]

Posts: 261 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, December 23rd (Monday)

As our MC said when I complained about SAWH not wanting to have sex, " you can't force someone to have sex with you, sex is off the table for you right now."

I don't mean this disrespectfully…but maybe you should invest in a vibrator.

BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, December 23rd (Monday)

nekorb - It sounds like you know that you will only end up feeling more lonely if you do end up having sex with WH.

My first thought was to go to the Adult Toy Store, and buy yourself a really great Christmas present, and I still think you should do this if you haven't yet. Sexual release is a great stress reducer, and can make you feel better.

But I also get that you are lonely on an emotional level, and hoping to get that from your H is only going to result in you feelin more alone. I haven't seen a post from you in while, and can't remember your exact set of circumstances, but if he is still carrying on his A, why are you staying, are you planning your exit? If not you need to. NO ONE deserves this level of disrespect, and pain. However you are the only one who can end it.

If you are planning your exit then it's even more important for you to love yourself. Treat yourself well. Do nice things for you everyday. It's lonely now because you are allowing or by necessity be exposed to the person who was supposed to be your go to in times of upset, needs, and pain. He however is incapable of being this person anymore.

You are responsible for your own happiness, stop thinking about him, start thinking about you, and give you what you need.

You are strong, smart, capable, and you will become stronger, smarter, and fierce as you go through this, and at the end of this road you will be amazed with the new person you have become.

((((and strength))))

Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8687 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, December 23rd (Monday)

You are responsible for your own happiness, stop thinking about him, start thinking about you, and give you what you need.
^^^This. The loneliness is something you can work on now. He has abandoned you emotionally so don't rely on him to help you feel better. Spend this time focusing on you and what you want to do. If you choose to D in the future you STILL have to work through the loneliness and learning how to be okay by yourself. IMO, get started on it now and help yourself out. You are never wrong to spend time focusing on you.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 9:46 AM, December 23rd (Monday)]

D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1910 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, December 23rd (Monday)

It is natural to desire your "Spouse", I do it but if your spouse is still in the affair then I wouldn't. It's like I having your cake and eating it too.

Now he has sex with you and her.

Your mind is going to play tricks, thinking:
1. Am I better than her
2. Does he think I am better than her
3. I will show him how much better I am than her.
4. I bet she doesn't do this or that...

You are setting yourself up for mental destruction. Images will creep up, and he may say certain things and you will think "I bet he said that to her"...

Unfortunately, once your WS gets into the PA then the whole things of sex becomes so cheapen. He has to end the affair, get TESTED again and again and prove himself. Sex is an event that used to have meaning and he has to make it mean something to you and you should want it to mean something to you, even if you want to get off for a bit and relieve yourself, I would almost recommend you get a vibrator and let go...

I unfortunately have had sex with my wife recently, even though I believe the affairs are over, I can't shake the images of her with the other men, and the things she did...

Sex, especially for men, is like what affection is too women. She basically told some POS that she loved him and is willing to do anything to make him feel loved.

*Also during my wifes affairs, i haven't had sex for over 7 months...*

[This message edited by LostSamurai at 12:54 PM, December 23rd (Monday)]

I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
Member # 38719
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, December 23rd (Monday)

I wish I could give you the biggest hug right now. What you are feeling is really normal, I hope the feelings pass soon.

Me- 40
Him- 47
March 9, 2013- the day my heart died

Posts: 247 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 16